.. a broken world without hope...

.. it would be really interesting to find out how we come up with this... we are selfish and full of pride.. liars, cheaters and greedy people...how did we come up with thinking we have a right to be perfectly happy and taken care of... how DID we ????

I think it is  something deep down inside, since we are made in the image of God, maybe there is some memory or idea how it should be... in the garden of Eden.. walking with the Lord, enjoying His love, attention, provision and care... right... that's probably why..

But back then, it happened, sin entered the world and brokenness has been the norm since... and until our eyes are opened by God's grace, revealing Himself to us and letting us get a glimpse of who we really are, corrupt and totally depraved, we have no idea and DEMAND all the good stuff, feeling entitled to judge others and get really upset that they are, as we are ourselves, totally unable to treat us that way..

Until 3 months ago, before getting involved at the Pregnancy Center I had NO IDEA!!! Oh, I had heard about people struggling, drugs, abuse, poverty... I had felt sorry and I had even prayed, given money for good causes etc. ... but, I had  no idea.

God had allowed me to reach out to hurting women and to extend His healing but that was all inside the church walls, ministering to people that already had received the most important gift there is..salvation through Jesus...

I am so thankful to have been led outside the walls in a capacity to try and make a difference for God's glory, to walk along side people that never had a chance... lost in a broken world, dealing with tough stuff, making wrong choices and just never able to get ahead and find some stability and hope.

How small even the "ultimate" betrayal by an unfaithful husband, the pain inflicted by some of the closest people stabbing me in the back seems in comparison to what these girls deal with on a daily basis..

Girls the same age as my girls, even younger, with so many scars already... so many losses and hurts...
and I am not saying that my girls have not been hurt by those letting us down, but I am realizing that through all this God has had us under His wings, protected for sure from greater harm.

Again, nothing compared to the 3 young women that I am mentoring now.. As I am praying for them I am fully aware that the biggest gift I have for them is not all the nice stuff they can find for their babies , or the help, support and encouragement I can give, but the one thing, that alone can make a difference in someone's life, the Good News, a relationship with the One who gave His life so that by His wounds we could be healed..

As I am relating to the women that come into the center, I pray that they would see Jesus in me and that His love would touch them and draw them close. I am thankful that sharing Him with others is something I love doing.. so as relationships are being established I will tell them about my best friend, the One who does not only have for me all I could ever need but who is always going to be there....and that He wants to be their friend too!!!!!!!!!!  :D

... a new morning....

... a new week...woke up with a headache, again... a long list of to do's... moving in less than a month...I really do NOT want to pack everything up again.... another consequence.. sucky...  "3" moves in one year... :(
The last few days were kind of grey, like the weather and for a while there I got a little discouraged.. I so want to be done with this...
Then, this morning, like every morning, I heard from God... He speaks to me from His word, and it is all very clear to me.. no surprises that we are facing trials.. but such a wonderful privilege to be called by His name... love His people, and that I do... feel His presence and know that HE is trustworthy and faithful... reliable... I guess that's one of the main things for me , and I shouldn't be surprised... promises broken leave you with a humongous need for someone who won't break His promises, thankfully I have known Him for a long time to be sure that I can trust Him...
Heading to Cambridge today, excited about that.. meeting with the lady I am working together to open our own Center tomorrow morning.. He is moving... in big ways and it is EXHILARATING !!!!!!!
So taking my eyes off the bleak, the grey and the painful ... fixing them on the One who calls me His sister and by His strength and grace I will embark on a new week... He gives and takes away... I will choose to say, Lord blessed is Your name!!!!!

...light and momentary troubles...

..this has been an interesting day...it's coming to an end, and that is a good thing. I am exhausted and spent emotionally.
This morning at RENEW, our Women's Bible Study, I was leading the discussion on how through Praise and Thanksgiving any circumstance becomes bearable because we are taking our eyes off ourselves and are fixing them on Him... how we are called to Praise God in the turmoil and thank Him rather than be negative and complain.
I thank God that tonight, confronted once again with the futility of life, appalled and saddened what a life lived without Him looks like in the later years.. I can praise my Father in Heaven once more for saving me...
rather than feeling defeated and empty after a quite depleting evening I  am reading all the "tweets" of the godly people I am following on twitter and I am being encouraged...
God is at work and He has amazing people out there serving Him in great and new ways...
Encouraged to look to Him and His Word rather than to the circumstances this is what comes to mind and points me in the right direction:
my light and momentary troubles are achieving for me an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So I fix my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Thanks to what He did for me, eternity is something to look forward to and not something to be feared...
even though a wave of sadness and loss came my way very unexpectedly this afternoon and made me cry..again... I rejoice that this day, like tomorrow is the day the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it... through Him, the One who is greater than my yesterdays, who holds me close today, who is the Lord of my tomorrows.... I can face whatever comes my way and Praise Him in the Turmoil...

... intended for evil...

10 months ago something tragic happened ( actually 10 months and 2 days ago to be precise) a dramatic and shocking turn of events, a tsunami that knocked the life right out of us.

10 months later, one thing has become very clear to me... God in His sovereignty , after sifting what was coming at us through His loving fingers, allowed what was intended for evil...  because He was going to use it for good, to bring about  His purpose in my life... (I am trusting that the same is true for God's purpose for my children...)

intended for evil... God turning it into something good... sounds familiar?
right, Joseph, his envious brothers selling Him as a slave... God allowing it and using the evil to make sure Abraham's descendants would not have to starve during the famine..

10 months later, the wounds that were inflicted are healing slowly, scars will remain, a sadness that will probably never really leave for what was lost, but at the same time it seems that by losing my marriage I was freed up to pursue what God had been preparing me for my whole life. Allowing heartache and wrong choices, allowing me to serve and learn in Women's Ministry for many years, he finally brought me to the place where my greatest passion and the biggest perceived need intersected... the place where I will be able to bring the most glory to Him..who prepared these good works in advance for me.

today I found myself to be the only one at the Center to welcome a young pregnant girl and offer her our help. I set everything up for her to start the appropriate program. She left with a bag full of maternity clothes, some baby items, a lot of helpful info material and an appointment to meet with me for her first session next week. entering her data in the system and preparing her file made me feel that I was helping this young girl to find support and hope.

it feels like "in the fullness of time" God is bringing to fruition what He had planned from before I was born..
it fills my heart with gratitude that He would have a purpose for me, a place where I can extend His love to needy and lost women in a crisis situation bringing glory to Him and representing Him to the women that will come into "my" Center one day...

So, what was intended for evil... by God's grace might turn into something good after all...

....winter is coming...

..the sun is shining.. it is a crisp fall morning.. the colors are intense even though some trees already look a little bare... winter is definitely out there, on it's way to us.. we can count on it.
for some this is horrible news and they are already plotting how they can get away from it...
for some, there are mixed feelings... clear, really crisp winter mornings are on the way ( makes me think of skiing.. so much fun ) but then again, the freezing rain yuckiness... horribly cold winds... slush and slippery roads... hmmmmm..
we know it is coming, we would like to escape, but we know we can't, or not for long anyways.. after all, we are in Canada and winter stays with us for a very, very long time...
We can be sure of one thing though, and that is that spring definitely will come...and summer even, after that..

isn't that what our lives are like too??? Sometimes we know that the road ahead will not be an easy one and if we could, we really would like to get away... we also know though we can't escape it and that even in the difficult times there will be moments of joy ( Christmas is in the winter!!!)
we also know that with God there is always going to be spring and summer on the horizon...there is hope, there is a future in heaven with Him that has been guaranteed, there are blessings throughout and there will always be a silver lining... like those beautiful winter days.

it might be harsh at times and cold, but there is always the warmth and comfort of the shelter we have with our Father in Heaven, who, with His love will keep us warm.....He will protect us from harm and keep us safe through the barren winter months...

there is a reason for winter... there is a reason for the valleys and difficult times in our lives.. new life springs from it, growth and beauty.
we just need to trust in Him, who made it all, who put it all together and who is in total control of EVERYTHING that happens in and to His Creation.
the more we know Him the more we can trust Him...He is always there, like an open book (His Word) all we need to know is right there for us. we can meet Him face to face and draw as close as we desire.. He promised He will be there always, until the end of time...

so don't be discouraged by what might be ahead...He has it all figured out!!!
I Praise Him for the sunshine of today!!!

... Unmerited Favor......

...He has already done all that I will  ever need for me.. He, by dying on the cross has reconciled me with the Father, He has paid the penalty for my sin that would have separated me from my Creator and kept me in this place  (hell = eternal separation from God)... He had no reason to ever do anything else for me.. I didn't deserve the gift of His salvation anyways... Grace, the unmerited favor...
But.. like I said earlier today... His love surrounds me like a blanket, it keeps me warm and protected, I can take it with me wherever I go.. so I did... first, I went to pick my daughter up...


Hostile situation # 1.... I got to the Dance Studio where she had the rehearsal .. and she was gone.. drove there for nothing, she had gone home with another dancer's mother, they were done an hour earlier..forgot to call me to let me know.. got home, there she was and her first words to me were: "I am sorry Mami...." (about the conflict the night before)
Answer to prayer # 1


Hostile situation # 2  went to see my father... prayed on the way to have a quiet and gentle spirit and stay under the protection of my Father in Heaven... discussion turned out well... God is meeting my needs...
Answer to prayer # 2


Next situation, not hostile, but potentially disappointing...
worked wonderfully, even had an amazing chance to share the gospel resulting in this person very close to me asking me to read to him from the bible...
Huge answer to prayer # 3


You can be sure that I am going to praise my Lord for all He has done for me today... I am loving Him more now than I did earlier...why? because He first loved me..why? because He showers me with His favor... why? because He has never let me down... even when situations didn't turn out as well as the ones today....why? because sometimes He gives us exactly what we are asking for... How cool is that?


This morning... my most amazing pastor read to us from Psalm 91.. using it to explain what it meant to stay under the umbrella of God's protection by submitting to Him and those He put in authority over us... that's what happened today.. that's what is happening every day of my life, no matter the circumstances...



He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
       will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 
  I will say  of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
       my God, in whom I trust."
  Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
       and from the deadly pestilence.
  He will cover you with his feathers,
       and under his wings you will find refuge;
       his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
  You will not fear the terror of night,
       nor the arrow that flies by day,
  nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
       nor the plague that destroys at midday.
  A thousand may fall at your side,
       ten thousand at your right hand,
       but it will not come near you.
  You will only observe with your eyes
       and see the punishment of the wicked.
  If you make the Most High your dwelling—
       even the LORD, who is my refuge-
  then no harm will befall you,
       no disaster will come near your tent.
  For he will command his angels concerning you
       to guard you in all your ways;
  they will lift you up in their hands,
       so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
  You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
       you will trample the great lion and the serpent.
  "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
       I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
  He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
       I will be with him in trouble,
       I will deliver him and honor him.
  With long life will I satisfy him
       and show him my salvation."


Thank You Lord...

... submitting... I am loving it!!

Went to church this morning all by my lonesome.. was a little subdued... huge conflict last night with my youngest... I am a little scared how her teenage years will work out... not off to a very good start... the "Ex" traveling to NYC... that was "our" place.. can't even count anymore how often we have been there together in the last 18 years.. not too sad, just another realization of loss...

So anyways... church.... so many amazing friends there... many hugs and loving words.. met someone who I couldn't wait meeting.. didn't expect her to be at church.. cool..

Worship.... drawing close.. makes me smile... a smile born from a never ending fountain of joy... His love.

Then, the great Pastor.... best used vessel of God in all eternity... (I just LOVE my pastor...) preaching.. on 1 Peter 2:13-3:7.... some of this has been the passage in JOG this week for me as well..

Anyways, you know you are not in step with the world when a sermon preached on submission makes you giddy with joy and happiness... I guess this is the truth.. I am not of this world,  I am a stranger, but chosen by God, my citizenship is in heaven.. the sanctifying work of the Spirit in me has made that clear to me a long time ago: Submission to God and to your husband is a wonderful gift from Him who cares more and knows us better than even we do ourselves ( after all, He is the manufacturer!!!!!!!!) 

Staying under the umbrella of His protection is the safest and most rewarding place anyone could ever be in. I guess, even though I never had that warm and cozy and safe feeling in the arms of my earthly father I definitely know it and feel it physically from my Heavenly Father. I am blessed beyond anything that He would even have this for us... following Him closely, drawing close, obeying and trusting... really, even in the bleakest moments of the last year, this has been a love drenched place... this is where the smile comes from...

cleaned my house when I came home and then sat outside on my deck, the warm autumn sun shining on me and my puppies as I was sharing my rice cakes with them... and I just couldn't help but worshipping Him again... His love is warm, it wraps itself around me.. I can take this love wherever I go... so it will come with me today... when I have to face a few hostile situations.. Praise God

... family pictures...

... tomorrow we are going to have our family pictures taken... outside somewhere hoping the weather will be nice and.... the puppies can come along... how amazing is that?

We will have fun and I am sure our great photographer is going to take some cool shots...
It will also be another "first", another sad reminder... over the years we have had family pictures taken every other year, this will be the first one without the husband and father in the picture....we always picked the nicest one and had it enlarged and framed...when we moved I realized that really, these pictures will never be hung anywhere ever again.. all our family pictures...  there is one done for the directory of the church I used to go to many years ago... our youngest was just 6 weeks old... school family pictures, more church directory ones... nice ones on a cruise... and then the "normal" ones... all to be kept in the basement, no longer fit to be hung up.. I asked the kids if they wanted some of the smaller ones in their rooms and they declined... what a waste... strange how as soon as a family is broken apart no one will want to look at those pictures again..
it still blows me away how many layers there are...
with those pictures I will get the Christmas cards done, and once again, a first... no Dad on the Christmas card...
it seems nothing is forever ...but then again... one thing is...the 4 of us are in another family picture which is never going to change...our names have been engraved on the palm of the hand of God the Father...He will never leave us or forsake us, He will not walk out of the family pictures... this family picture is eternal...it is reliable.... we can build our future on it, place our hope in it..
We are sisters of Christ now and forever more. This family is not build on shifting sand but on the solid foundation of the Rock, our Lord Jesus Christ..He has made us His own and His love for us will never allow Him to just walk away... the comfort that we can find in that fact is PRICELESS...

.... excited.........

... great night tonite..  a fundraiser for the Pregnancy Center in Cambridge...Matt Day...funny guy, with an amazing voice and gifted hands ( a piano player..)  Clean Christian fun... haven't laughed this hard in a while....

Best of all, I got to go for dinner with 2 great friends..and on the way home, I got to share with them my excitement about how God is working in my life.. Explained to them what a Pregnancy Care Center offers for women that find themselves in an unplanned pregnancy. From Pregnancy tests, Options counseling, one on one mentoring for expectant mothers, young mom's groups, post abortion counseling, adoption counseling, to free baby and maternity clothing, toys, strollers and so on....
I told them about the way God has been confirming that I am meant to be opening a center somewhere in the area in the last 4 weeks.. how He has provided a partner in this for me and between her connections and expertise and my counseling background and all that I am learning at the center in Cambridge God has provided a big chunk of what is needed to get this going. I am going to work on a presentation for the elders for their next meeting the beginning of November. God willing we will be able to start preparing for opening the Center next year after that.
Looking back, it is rather easy to see how God has been orchestrating the events in my life since I was saved 16 years ago. Really, how He has been watching over me, allowing the hard stuff all along to bring me to this place where my passion and my abilities ( because He has equipped me ) come together to finally lead me to the place where I need to be.. I am prepared.. I am willing...I am more available than ever before... Amazing, only He could have put it together like this..
Matt Day shared a scripture today that I love very much, it is  in Ephesians 2:10 :
For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
I love it!!!!

.... He keeps them safe....

... last night, I had just gotten to the DivorceCare meeting with my friend, I got a text from my daughter that she and her roommates were at the hospital for carbon monoxide poisoning.... the water heater had leaked gas.. the girls had unplugged the fire alarm a few days ago because it kept going off, they had cooked and thought it was because of that... everyone went home for Thanksgiving, they had called the Landlord and told him about what they thought to be a faulty fire alarm or something...
they came back Tuesday and never noticed anything. they slept in their apartment... went to school feeling nauseous and having a headache..she was sick so she thought it was another symptom.. only to come back from school and find the fire department at their house... another alarm had gone off in the building...no one told them to get themselves checked out but my very concerned and very capable daughter called Telehealth...they told them to go to the hospital, that feeling faint and nauseous were symptoms of carbon monoxide poisoning...  the dr kept them on the oxygen for 5 hours before sending them home and advising them not to sleep at their apartment .... when thinking about this thankfulness wells up in my heart... they all would have died had they slept another night in this... I would have lost my precious child... I cannot imagine the loss.... I trust Him for them all and He proved Himself faithful once again... interestingly all the heartache of the last week grows strangely dim... all not that important when considering what could have happened..
Lord I thank you that you are looking out for my children... that you are in control, you are Lord over life and death..you have my beloved children in the palm of your hand... you are all they will ever need.. Thank you for sparing us all the deep, deep loss... thank you for putting things into perspective...
How blessed we are to be called your own... Let us never forget this... thank you for my children, for the joy they are to me.. please continue to keep them safe...AMEN

... uncontainable love.....

...Find rest my soul in Christ alone, know His power in quietness and trust...when the oceans rise and thunders roar I will soar with you above the storm... Father you are King over the flood... I will be still and know you are God......

What an inspiring song from Hillsong.... speaking to my soul and lifting me up, pointing me to the source of all my comfort and hope... I was blind, but now I see, I was lost but now I am found..

How sad to think there are so many that do not know you Lord... do not know that comfort, too proud to realize they need you... blind and not able to see you in your goodness.. Lord, you are calling us to go out and spread the Good News... how can we not like Isaiah say : Here I am, send me... Hearts filled with thankfulness and eternal love, following you wherever that will be....

My heart breaks for the people around me, that just won't give you the time of day, stubbornly holding fast to their own futile plans and efforts, fooling themselves... Lord, open their eyes to who You are, to their need for a Saviour... Lord that they might be confronted with their sin and realize how lost they are without Your sacrifice.. May they come to love you with all their heart and may they experience this sweet fellowship with You...

To know you is to be blessed beyond anything we could ever imagine... such love, not able to contain it,  it breaks forth from my heart in smiles and words of love and encouragement for your children., in acts of kindness and caring.... what a privilege to be a vessel for your love....

Praise You today, tomorrow and forevermore

...Thanksgiving....

Thanksgiving... a reminder to be thankful... choosing to be thankful in all circumstances.. understanding how blessed I am.. the God of all Creation thought of me before the beginning of time.
no one can top that one... I am His, for eternity... I am never alone, even if everyone around me deserts me.. He has all I need for me...  He blesses me beyond belief..
I am thankful for my children, they are healthy and wonderful ( no surprise there, after all, they are MY kids, how could they turn out any different .. just kidding ;)
I am thankful for my parents, they are where they are by no fault of their own and they brought me up and loved me as good as they could and... I do love them...
I am thankful for my friends... since becoming Christ's own He has allowed me to love and be loved by so many of His children... this blows me away every day..
I am thankful for the joys in my life... when I am able to share His love with others..
when I see His creation and His attention to detail takes my breath away..
when He touches my heart through someone... when my cute little puppies that are so soft and loving snuggle up to me... when my "adopted" daughters , and I have many... my friends keep them coming... run up to me and hug me... now that is amazing...
when I get a glimpse of what God has  in store for my life.. how I will serve Him in new places and capacities... mind boggling!!!
when He draws near to me as I am drawing near to Him...... and it goes on and on..
through the harder times in my life, present struggles included, I have sometimes lost sight of all the good that is going on... when stunned by hurt and rejection sometimes I think our senses get out of whack and we have a difficult time focusing on the good...
thankfully God will never leave us in this place.... still learning from Him how as the tears are streaming down my face because of all the sadness, my heart can overflow with thanksgiving to Him... now that IS mind boggling...
trusting and worshipping Him with all that I have.... Beauty in the turmoil.... Jesus manifested in my own experience... when He, focused on the joy laid before Him gave His life a ransom for many....
Thank You Lord... there are no words and there is nothing I could do to ever communicate to You how thankful I am...

.... on tour? for the Lord...

...community... it's all about community... I am saved for a reason, not to live as a Christian in solitude, but to live my faith in community... some very kind friend pointed out how I have been spending time with God and sharing it here rather than just journaling for myself.. and that's true.
God made me an open book and even before I started writing this blog He had me share more openly than maybe others what He was doing on my life.
I love Him and I think about Him pretty much all the time  I also "live"my faith constantly, that's what some people have called fanatic, but then again, how can it not all be about Him.. after all He is the source of all life and therefore also the reason we are here at all. How can we not want to know Him more and strive to please Him.
There is mindless wasting time staring into a computer screen and there is living out our faith in a
" modern" way....
Hmmmmmm....all I want  is for Him to use me and for more to get how wonderful He is.

He is the Most High, the King of Kings, the Creator of the Universe, the Mighty and Sovereign God..He also is the Father of the Fatherless,  Redeemer of my soul... He is the One who humbled Himself to come to this earth, live a sinless life and give himself as a sacrifice for the sins we are prone to commit on a regular basis... He is the One that has compassion on us, loves us with an everlasting love... He came so that we could we be reconciled to God the Father and that we would know Him in His suffering and by that draw closer and closer to Him.
 It pleases Him to see us striving to know Him more...the moments of stillness in His presence are PRICELESS...nothing, even the best moments in your life can ever prepare you for the peace and delight that sweeps over you when being in the presence of the Saviour and Lover of your Soul....

He has given us the Counsellor, the Holy Spirit and He in  us is perfecting and guiding us. He is growing His fruit and we can feel Him nudging us...that's what I felt yesterday in church.. He was the one saying to me, do not spend that much time on the computer for the wrong reasons... if my focus is on   me, then my motivation is not what it should  be... if my focus is bringing honor to Him by being authentic and using my" make-up" which is that I have no trouble sharing ... than there is nothing wrong with that.
I trust Him to give me the self control I need, I trust Him to use me, I trust Him to be in total control of my time and how I use it...I am allowing Him that total control... so, I guess He has me up in the middle of the night, He is speaking through me to you, as He is revealing Himself to me.

speaking to this very dear friend of mine today... I had this vision...I guess I am not just here to minister in one place.. I think He has freed me up now to prepare for what He has for me in a few years... what comes to mind is far bigger than what I have been thinking until now.... I will just leave you with a picture.... I believe I got it from God... we will see... He definitely took my eyes off myself, where they needed to be for a bit again, and put them on Himself and how I will serve Him in the future... this is the picture.....  :)

Forever Yours by Michael W Smith...

... I'll be forever yours....

...I really want to be positive... others have heard me saying I have a very good Ex husband... considering the circumstances this is the best girlfriend he could have... we are better friends now..our daughters spend more one on one time with him  now than before....less stress in the home...freedom might even taste good for a moment..but then... then it comes back to one thing... He promised... He did. And he didn't keep that promise.. And the little girl in me that believes in people and promises just can't get over that...


My bestest ever Artist in the whole entire Universe  :) ... Michael W. Smith... just came out with a new Album... so many most amazing songs on there...two are especially wonderful... wonderful and yet sooo painful right now. Anyone who knows me knows that even as a child I would listen to songs that made me sad over and over again, crying my eyes out and I guess processing my sadness... so, I am doing it again....those are the songs he wrote for his wife Debbie... you know, that's what I like about him as well, what an amazing Christian man and husband and father he is...


But anyways.. over the last week, when life has been especially tough again, and my Ex-husband once more has proven to me that he very much was worth me wanting to stick to it, stay with him and do everything in my power to make things work out...that he is a man that was worth me promising to love forever...he has been the one this week picking up the pieces for me ... how crazy is this...


My friends know that I have accepted what is going on, I am not trying to get back together, I don't think there is a possibility for that, on both sides... but the girl with the broken heart, the one that is still very sad that the promises that were made were broken.. that one, is having a hard time... and chooses, rather than trying to focus on other more encouraging things, to work through the pain, accept it and go with it... and Michael, I can count on him to have a song that speaks to me.. he has this one...


I'm swept away in this moment,
I hear your heartbeat next to mine,
My hands are trembling
it's overwhelming,
a whisper breaks through the silence,
a vow to test the breadth of time,
"Until forever, I'll be forever yours"
Not just tonight, 
I'm by your side,
 for all your life,
till death comes between us,
 and the heavens steal you away,
I'll stay yours forever,
don't you worry, don't be afraid.
The heart can shift like a shadow,
the deepest passions start to wane,
stay ever tender,
 never surrender..
Come waltz with me through the twilight,
and we will dance as seasons pass,
we'll move together,
I'll be forever yours.
So hold me tight, say you'll be mine,
for all your life...
till death comes between us,
 and the heavens steal you away,
I'll stay yours forever,
don't you worry, don't be afraid.
Come what may.. 
So all we have is this moment,
 but moments come and go so fast..
Until forever,
I'll be forever yours
there is no other,
I am forever yours.....


Told my girls that that's why the Lord has all these rules... don't be unequally yoked, no sex before marriage.... so that they won't find themselves committed to someone who is not committed to them....but rather find the man God has for them...


Maybe I will find this one day too???

....do not worry....

... okay, so today I was catching myself worrying about how I will be able to afford the house I bought...things are not working out the way I thought they could or should....now that in itself is hard because it has so many layers of unfairness and disappointment.. it's difficult to even sort through...

.....but all these things put aside, I am at a place where I have to prove if I mean what I say, walk the talk, put my trust in God, or not....

So as I realized that I was worrying about it, I stopped and prayed right there...I used to say to whoever wanted to hear it that if I could choose I would prefer love and peace in my small little shack over the tension and coldness we had in our "mansion".. what are beautiful things compared to love, peace and acceptance...

Well... I guess the choice was made for me... someone left, the tension and constant criticism decreased, other hurt and pain was added because of the breaking apart of a family, and the mansion had to be vacated...

There is more peace in the daily life... the new house is going to be smaller and less "fancy"....my need for security that I am fully aware of for the first time in my life is not being met...  so this is now where the rubber hits the road... do I trust Him for my financial security or not...

He has proven Himself to me in so may ways, how could I not trust Him now.. I have put my trust in Him and chosen not to fight about all these issues when settling this part of the separation agreement... trusting that there is something He has for us, me and my girls, and I believe this with all my heart. Somehow I thought things would be a little different still, but, no matter what he is the One that will give me and all of us all we will ever need.

Hebrews 13:5+6 says this:

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 

"Never will I leave you; 

 never will I forsake you." So we say with confidence, 

 "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid." 

 1 Timothy: 7+8 says:

For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. 

And lastly Matthew 6:25-27

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life....

So there, no surprises here, the Word has the answer...I am blessed, my Ex-husband is taking good care of our financial needs for now... the "security" that I would have found had my plan worked out is so much better safely held in my Father's hand... He will provide, Jehovah Jirah..... after all that's who He is...

I love how He grows me, there is so much I still need to surrender.. I am amazed at how gentle He is exposing one area at a time... His love blows me away, once again...

Oh, how He loves you and me... We Praise You Lord...

... just keep on reaching....

... have you ever felt like you want to just run away and hide from all the horrible stuff you are dealing with? I hate how the dysfunction that surrounds me pulls me down... can I just shake the dust off my sandals and leave?
Medicating is a new word I am hearing... it's when someone dealing with trauma and grief just wants to numb himself... thanks to God the only " addiction" I have is to "Kinder Bueno"....not good for my tummy but not mind altering...I thank God for making me stronger than that, stronger than having to flood my brain with alcohol or drugs, stronger than having to throw myself into a new relationship for some illusion of security... I am thankful that He is REAL to me, more meaningful than any disappointment inflicted by lost and fallen people, people that even though they should have my best interest in mind can only see themselves ( and no, I am not talking about my EX-husband)...I am just so very very thankful that 16 years ago after praying to God for 6 months and begging Him to reveal Himself to me He did....and now I have the mind, strength, power, peace and joy of Christ in me... never to disappoint me ever... Wow...
Okay, so now I already don't want to run away anymore... I marvel at His love and grace... I love Him for who He is... the fog is lifting once again, not the first time in the last few days... I can see Him clearly... the smile He has in His face... actually His eyes are smiling with a love that we can never ever see here on earth.. and it makes me smile, smile through the tears... smile back at Him...
and I keep on reaching... when my destiny is out there in the distance...but the road ahead is a mine field in disguise.. and you keep on moving... you will make it through this... just give it time, you gotta give it time..This is what you're made for, standing in the Downpour, knowing that the sun will shine, forget what lies behind you, heaven walks beside you... YOU GOT TO GIVE IT ONE MORE TRY....
( Michael W. Smith.. One more try  / Wonder )

...Thanksgiving...

Thank You for a beautiful, sunny, fall morning..
Thank you for a wonderful time of chatting with me, Daddy
Thank you for receiving my burdens and taking care of them for me
Thank You that I can trust You for the impossible
Thank You that Your plans for my life are to prosper me and not to harm me
Thank You that you will complete the work You started in me.
Thank You that You are sovereign
Thank You for revealing Yourself to me so amazingly


Thank You for walking with me and carrying me
Thank You for a day that is going to be spent serving You
Thank You for a 4  day weekend coming up!!!!!
Thank You for time to be spent with all my girls
Thank You for a " I love doing bathrooms" when telling my youngest tomorrow we will clean the house...
Thank You for loving me and my daughters ..
Thank You for the abundant life You have for us....
Thank You for caring and being faithful...
 I shall forever praise Your Holy name.... serve and love You with all my heart, soul and mind..
You are amazing...

Amen

...Divorce is final...

... so, on Monday, the day the offer for the new house became official... that Monday, the judge signed the Divorce papers and I got them in the mail today....

Grief, the process one has to go through after a loss... learned about it at the Post Abortion Counseling Seminar, at DivorceCare, at the Women's Retreat and at the Adoption Advocate training I am doing.... have been learning about it  personally for the last year and a bit.... the finality of it, the loss, since December 18 last year....

I have screamed, I have been in shock, I have been angry , I have been sad and depressed... I have forgiven and accepted, I have gotten new hope... and so shouldn't I be happy it is finally official, and, as the "goody two shoes Christian girl" I have been trying to be, I now am allowed to enter into a relationship if it so happened that this amazingly on fire for God, good looking, fun and serious at the same time, cool and computer savvy guy, who LOVES children and doggies...just walked up to me and wanted to take me out on a date..... how come all I am feeling is this profound sadness.....

I learned that the healing from the losses you experience does not go on a nicely uphill path... that there are ups and downs, and again, personally have been there.. just the last few days have been especially trying... with hashing it all through again with my mother, hearing what my cousin has been saying, how she rationalizes what she has done to me...with the kids celebrating Thanksgiving with their Dad and his girlfriend and them struggling emotionally with this too.......so really, this is to be expected and it is needed...

God is still who He is and He still loves me, I lost my husband, I lost his affection, his love, his commitment, his protection, my security, our future, our hopes and dreams, his support and help in every day things, I do not "belong" to anyone anymore and I am very hurt and LONELY, but I have not lost the one who will never leave me or forsake me...

All these feelings are highlighted today...I am processing as I am writing this, I need to. I know that my faithful Daddy is holding me tight and giving me all that I need, while He stays with me in the turmoil of this wave... until it all calms down again and He will put me on my feet and we will walk together again... oh what a friend I have in Jesus... what would I do without Him?

... forgiveness extended...

Forgive us our debts, 
      as we also have forgiven our debtors. 
 And lead us not into temptation, 
   but deliver us from the evil one. 
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. 
(Matthew 6:12-15)


it's pretty straight forward.... no ifs or buts... Jesus is clear in His teachings about forgiveness.. 


why is it we are having such a hard time??


when a sin has been committed against us we are longing for justice... everything inside us cries out for it to be dealt with swiftly.. Now, have you ever thought about why the Lord is so adamant about us forgiving, even those who have not asked for it, even those that continue to sin against us ( 7 times 7 )... 


Revenge is mine says the Lord.... wonder why He says that? Because He is the only one who can be just, since He is the only one who is holy and without sin... how just could we really be when someone has hurt or humiliated us or someone we love?


right... that's why... also, forgiveness is a choice, it does not mean that we excuse the sin, it does not mean we say it is okay, it does not mean that we necessarily have to reconcile, that depends totally on the circumstances... wisdom is sometimes telling us to stay away for good..


forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a choice. It is also an issue of obedience between us and God... when we forgive we accept to live with the consequences of the other persons sin and say that we will never bring it up again...


humanly this is not possible... with Christ like everything else He asks us to do, it is possible.. it actually will allow the healing, the feelings to come... the chain that has kept us connected to the one who sinned against us is broken when we forgive and we are now free to move on.


forgiveness is something  I didn't deserve when Christ chose to take the punishment for my sins and to die on the cross for me.. as He so willingly paid for my sins so that I could be forgiven, how can I not in turn forgive the one who has sinned against  me. 


today I acted upon the forgiveness I had granted to someone very close to me... I took it a step further by trying to reconcile.. by that I have exposed myself to the possibility to be hurt again.... but even this is something I can do through Christ who is my protector and healer... if there will be another blow from this person I will do what I have done many times, I will accept the pain that is inflicted and forgive.... I will need to take time to heal... I will need to draw closer to my Lord and I will love Him more...I will appreciate Him more and will depend on Him more... I know that because that is the way it has been working out for me for the past 16 years....


following Him with all my heart, soul and mind is not an easy road, but it leads me into the embrace of my Saviour every time and that is and will always be the best place for me to be...

... Hope... a reality...

.....rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him....He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth. When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to Him who judges justly.....


DirvorceCare was rather depressing yesterday...anger was the topic... somehow the hope we have was not communicated well enough...I get that we need to allow the anger and not try to fix each other with scriptures... but, where is the hope when we don't do that?
Allow people their feelings... yes, and definitely every one has to process them in their own time...


But... as Christians we are called to a higher standard, and not only that, we HAVE a much  "higher" hope... we have the only hope... and we have an example.. Christ Himself... He was accused, abused and killed, He never retaliated... and He interceded for His abusers and killers before He breathed His last breath...


With Him in us, we too CAN do this, once we decide to let go He is the one who will work it out in us and through us...if we do not look to Him we are stuck in our circumstances and I agree, that's a horrible place at times, hopeless and bleak, dark and cold..


But this is the point, this is not the reality of a Christian.... no matter the circumstances we have the peace that passes all understanding at our fingertips.. we just need to take hold of it, and I can say this... it  never leaves me for much longer than a few hours...as much as I appreciate that I am loved even if I continue to struggle and that I do not have to "perform" for the Lord.. that He has compassion for me and allows me to experience the pain and all the feelings attached ( and yes this does include anger ) His love and comfort are always leading me out of it to the place where I can let go, have to let go... forgiveness is the key... humility, surrender and gratitude for what Christ has done. 


It just left me feeling weird... last night... it all sounded as if there was no hope.... but there is... even if the circumstances are dire and don't seem to be changing.... He is our Hope... and He is all we need...the Hope is in Him, not in our circumstances changing for the better... if this is not helping us then what is our faith anyways??? 


I am thankful that the Lord has had me on this road of seeing myself for who I am, my brokenness and my sinfulness..I know I have no "right" to happiness... I am rejoicing in the fact that He chose me and I am precious to Him, even if rejected by men...


It is all by grace, the undeserved gift He keeps on giving to me.... and all I desire is to thank Him for that by living my life authentically before Him and the world and share Him with those around me...

...a light in the darkness...

staying... rocking back and forth in the pain... curled up and tired.. sad, realizing more and more that this is something you CANNOT avoid... so you better face it... like going to the dentist.. escaping is only possible for a time, but will only lead to more complications.. this world is a world full of troubles, heartache and injustices... man in his fallen and broken form only cares about himself and is prone to continually make the wrong choices that will lead to painful consequences, not only for himself but many around him... lost in a lost world... until the LIGHT penetrates the darkness and the God of the Universe finds us. we are not even necessarily looking for Him, but He comes anyways, He actually has had us in His mind from before the beginning of the world and His heart has been breaking watching us stumble around in the darkness until the fullness of time finally was here...full of love, compassion and joy does He then follow us right into the middle of the turmoil, holding us as we live through the emotions that assault us and then gently leading us out of the darkness into His marvelous light..

laying down His life, His rights, His comforts, His closeness with the Father... to bring us back to him... enduring His own heartache and wounds.. so that we could be healed.. is there anything greater than this? once He opens our eyes and takes the blinders off we are overwhelmed with who we are, how depraved and broken we really are and our heart and soul instantly fills with thankfulness and awe... with a love that leaves our hearts welling up with tears every time we draw closer into His presence... He is there, He can be found, He is LOVE, He is CARE, He is LIGHT, He is my All in All...

tired, bruised and sad.. I curl up, rocking back and forth and let Him tend to the deepest little niches hidden away in my heart.. any place that since my "prenatal state" has been hurt and damaged... and with His loving touch the old wounds get cleaned, dealt with... finally healing, slowly.... from here onwards it is all about believing that He did just this... staying close to Him and abiding in Him...

Because I know this to be true...
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
 we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

He claimed us as His own and that's what we will be... it is safe in the arms of our Shepherd, our Saviour!!! Never alone ever again!

... A Prayer of Lament....

Lord... I know you know everything that is on my heart and on my mind....I knew there was no reason for me to ever try to hide my feeling from you, and thanks to You I never felt the need to do that..., after all, You know everything... You also are the one who put me together the way I am...You made my brain, my emotions, You are fully aware of my behaviour patterns and dysfunctions... You can take it when I am angry ......Right now I just need to tell You what I am feeling.

I love you for that, that I can be real with you.. you love me... Your love for me is much bigger than that, you can take a prayer of lament...

Lord when I tell you that I feel a little tired now, that all of this is just not fair, that I am kind of tired of facing trials, and as much as I am so thankful for knowing you more through all of this and really, I would not even want to go back to who and where I was before the whole ordeal happened... sometimes I am just tired of it.

I am also a little scared, and I do not have to pretend to have more trust in You than I have.. You know that it is my prayer to know you and trust You more.. but I am afraid... what if there will never be a "flesh and blood " man to really love me and cherish me? What if there is no one for me , what if your plans are very different... yes, I know that whatever it is You will bless me,.... but You know me enough to know that I LONG for this earthly happiness... it bugs me right now that You DO care more about my holiness than my happiness... and I get it... I know and I appreciate it... I am blessed beyond anything I could have imagined to be Your daughter, Your friend and that Your love for me is everlasting...
But... and there is the "but"... I really , really, really so long for love HERE.....

I know You are at work in me... I know You are transforming me into Your likeness, I know that it is not about me, but about all the others you will let me minister to, and yes, it is fulfilling, actually, I love it...but...... here I go again...... but please, please...a man to share my heart for ministry with, a man to worship You with, a man to care for and to love and respect.....for once in my life to have someone love me like you love the church....
Lament... crying out, being real, authentic.... because when we verbalize it, when we give it to You we also have the chance of maybe leaving it with You...You know my heart, You know how much I want to surrender, and the truth is I AM, but still.... I am still wondering and hoping and wishing....

I love you... can You just pick me up and hold me? Can I stay in Your arms? With my head on Your shoulder and my eyes closed... hearing Your heartbeat... feeling safe....
Thank You Jesus, You are a GEM....I praise You, and I choose to trust You again, tonight and always..

Thanks for caring, thanks for allowing me to be real....thanks for giving me the courage to keep on going...I praise You.....AMEN

... The Holy and the Horrible???

....spent the last 4 days focusing on my faith and sharing it with friends.. worshipping, with my heart on my sleeves as always, drinking in His love. More convinced than ever that I am on the right path...the concert was a real treat...out of this world...  :)


Learned so much at the women's retreat, what an amazing speaker we had, never met a more genuine and humble woman, confirming what I have been learning in the last years... especially the last 14 months.


The Holy and the Horrible...what an interesting topic. The Holy God of the Universe...the Maker of Heaven and Earth, The One who sent His only begotten Son to this earth to endure the ultimate suffering and to give His life so that we could be reconciled to Our Father in Heaven, He, the Father is orchestrating the conflicts and tragedies in our life to make us into His likeness, restoring us  back to what He had made us to be in the first place.


...Jesus, knowing what was going to happen pleaded with His Father and asked that the cup would be removed if at all possible... He was in agony and pain, felt left alone by His disciples that could not even stay awake and pray as He had asked them...He surrendered His will and embraced the Father's will, fixing His eyes on what the sacrifice of His life would bring to us, the healing we in our fallen state would need.

As the Father uses the hurt and pain that the brokenness of this world inflicts on us, He walks with us through it, staying with us in the turmoil, empathizing with the numbness, the grief and the anger and helping us to let go and find the healing He has for us...


As our wounds are being healed, we are becoming closer to our Saviour than we have ever been.. we are learning how much we are needing Him and nothing is more precious to us than knowing Him more, in His sufferings and in His victory..

Our core longings are being met, walking so closely we can see the way He looks into our eyes...we know He loves us, because he faithfully has been staying with us... could it be that He considers us worthy of His love and even His own life? 


How wonderful that this truth might penetrate our hearts and maybe one day we will believe it fully...


Wondering what you have for me Lord... driving home, still soaring on Eagle's Wings I received some texts and had 2 phone calls....more pain and conflict...I guess I was asking for it when I stated that one thing I learned is to face my life with open arms inviting the pain, because it makes me draw even closer to the Lover of my Soul, my Redeemer and best friend... He will never let me down..


Thank you, Lord...

...why divorce hurts so much....

 I am learning so much, kind of cool, but then again, I could have lived without some of that knowledge.

It happens all the time,  in 2009  38 % of marriages in Canada  were divorced before their 30th Wedding anniversary...so it shouldn't be such a big deal, right? But it is... it is because it is just not what God had in mind when He created marriage...

The man said,
       "This is now bone of my bones
       and flesh of my flesh;
       she shall be called 'woman,
       for she was taken out of man."

 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. ( Genesis 2: 23+24)

Another scripture:

Another thing you do: You flood the LORD's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands.  You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

 Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring.  So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.

  "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself  with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty.
      So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith. ( Malachi 2: 13+16)

God hates divorce, His heart breaks when we separate something the He has joined together...
it breaks mine as well, after all , this is one of my favorite songs:

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to Eternity  ( Hosanna, by Hillsong)

It breaks our hearts for what it does to families, the ripple effect it has...
The pain is so excruciating because what became one is ripped into two halves rather than neatly taken apart to its original two people... the wounds are gaping and deep... the grief that follows is substantial and only Jesus can heal it... like someone at my DivorceCare support group said: The damage is so bad, it takes the manufacturer to fix it... I liked that a lot :)

Another reason the pain is so deep is that there are so many losses... for me some of them are:
loss of my husband, loss of  my dreams, loss of our future, loss of our regular time together.... vacations, holidays,  routines... loss of security, loss of someone who cared, who would hug when things got bad...
 ... my daughter mentioned "loss of a tree house" as one of the things she lost...

All those losses need to be grieved.. and grieving needs to be done or we are not healthy enough to live life well.... So, as much as I would like to be fully healed, and I feel like I am a lot of the time now, I am far from being done grieving these losses..... I have no problem with crying... so I did some today... and I know it will not be the last time......

... A heart hidden in Christ..

...God is good... All the time.... All the time... God is good... I love this, because it is true, and I am learning to trust Him for this more and more....
I really and actually bought my first house last night... haven't paid for it yet, but it is going to be mine... kind of cool....
At the Divorce Care meeting last night I realized again, that in this all, I am having a really "good divorce".... crazy, but true..
I have the relationship with my, still not but very soon to be, Ex-husband that I always would have liked to have, a relationship of mutual respect and appreciation.. weird , that we can do this now, and just never got it together before.
We have worked everything out without lawyers and we are getting along and... yes, hard to believe but we trust each other...
Over the last few days God has brought me to a place were today through the guidance of my beloved Counselor and friend I was able to get a grip on something that has been eluding me for all of my life...
As God has allowed me to find myself "single" for a longer period of time for the first time in my adult life, He is rewriting my view of myself... 
For a little over 16 years I have known in my mind and more and more in my heart that I am a beloved and chosen child of God, that the Creator of the Universe actually sent His only Son into this world to die for me , so that I could be reconciled with Him, that I am the daughter of the King, a co-heir with Christ, free from condemnation, a delight to my father in Heaven, loved with an everlasting love.... and yet, until my husband walked out of my life, I was not aware that I was still believing a HUGE LIE, the lie that only when loved by a man I was whole and valuable...
Having been rejected and tossed in the garbage by the one who supposedly was giving me this value, I had been diminished to nothingness.. worthless, alone and only to be redeemed by the love of another man...
Today I am realizing that this is not the truth, that I am whole because that's how God made me and I am not defined by my relationship with a man. I am perfectly and wonderfully made by a all knowing, all powerful, amazing God... who loves me with an everlasting love.
Lack of the love of a father and many other hurtful circumstances had me in this place of feeling unworthy and in need of someone to give me value..


Thankfully God has been gently showing me more and more that He is the One that loves me and that I do not really need a relationship to define me, what defines me is Who I am in Christ I understand that I am a precious Jewel, made by the King, who deserves a man that cherishes and loves her like Christ loves the church...


I knew that, I believed that, but I was not aware that deep down inside I still doubted this
So today I am embracing singleness, I am surrendering my hopes and dreams, and I am going to try very hard to not take them back again...I am saying to my Father in Heaven that indeed He is enough for me and that I am going to trust Him. I am dedicating my life to Him and only if He calls me to a marriage will I enter into a relationship again...


.. because: 


An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. (1 Cor 7:34)


And I am going to devote my life to Him first , my kids second and third to the people He by His grace will bring into my life to extend His love and healing to.


I am going to counter the lies when they come to my mind with the truth that I have been shown, I am going to choose to walk in obedience every step of my journey. I am going to live with the joy and the hope that only He can bring as I am staying closely in step with what He has for me... however this will look like.