... so, on Monday, the day the offer for the new house became official... that Monday, the judge signed the Divorce papers and I got them in the mail today....Grief, the process one has to go through after a loss... learned about it at the Post Abortion Counseling Seminar, at DivorceCare, at the Women's Retreat and at the Adoption Advocate training I am doing.... have been learning about it personally for the last year and a bit.... the finality of it, the loss, since December 18 last year....
I have screamed, I have been in shock, I have been angry , I have been sad and depressed... I have forgiven and accepted, I have gotten new hope... and so shouldn't I be happy it is finally official, and, as the "goody two shoes Christian girl" I have been trying to be, I now am allowed to enter into a relationship if it so happened that this amazingly on fire for God, good looking, fun and serious at the same time, cool and computer savvy guy, who LOVES children and doggies...just walked up to me and wanted to take me out on a date..... how come all I am feeling is this profound sadness.....
I learned that the healing from the losses you experience does not go on a nicely uphill path... that there are ups and downs, and again, personally have been there.. just the last few days have been especially trying... with hashing it all through again with my mother, hearing what my cousin has been saying, how she rationalizes what she has done to me...with the kids celebrating Thanksgiving with their Dad and his girlfriend and them struggling emotionally with this too.......so really, this is to be expected and it is needed...
God is still who He is and He still loves me, I lost my husband, I lost his affection, his love, his commitment, his protection, my security, our future, our hopes and dreams, his support and help in every day things, I do not "belong" to anyone anymore and I am very hurt and LONELY, but I have not lost the one who will never leave me or forsake me...
All these feelings are highlighted today...I am processing as I am writing this, I need to. I know that my faithful Daddy is holding me tight and giving me all that I need, while He stays with me in the turmoil of this wave... until it all calms down again and He will put me on my feet and we will walk together again... oh what a friend I have in Jesus... what would I do without Him?
That's the question Miriam. What would you do without Him? What would any of us do? Nothing good, that's for sure. I read your words with the greatest empathy. The reasons that you and I found ourselves abandoned may be different but the surprise and shock is quite similar . . . neither of us saw it coming. Still, something really wonderful has come out of our pain. We have both had a far more intimate and comforting relationship with our Lord, knowing His love and peace in very different ways that previously. I wouldn't change that for anything in this world. You are farther along in the tangible process than I am. Our house should have sold a long time ago. It looks like I will be stuck here in the woods of Speyside for another winter. We aren't even legally separated, just living apart and according to Keith never to be together again. We don't argue and fight. Our Father has given me an abundance of what I asked Him for . . . Fruits of the Spirit. Self control has been given to me in HIS full measure otherwise I couldn't have acted with dignity and honour about any of this. But you see, there is the proof of what I said earlier. He has held us in His protective arms, cradling us in our misery assuring us in His love that He is walking with us. Did we fail our marriages in some way? Maybe. We are human. We ask our Father for forgiveness and take His hand and ask Him to lead us forward. Our men failed us too especially because if they felt something was wrong with the relationship, they should have told us and worked with us to honour their vows. I am married to an unbeliever. I think it was easy for him to leave.
ReplyDeleteMiriam, I think the finality of a divorce is traumatic for most people. In your circumstance though, it's even harder. I feel rejection but I wasn't replaced. Your path is certainly hard but please do not give up. Keep fighting for your sanity, for the recovery your heart requires and most of all, know that our God sees every tear and knows all of your pain and insecurities. He sees beyond that too. He sees into your soul, the one He personally and carefully created. NEVER stop trusting His plan. We have to believe and trust Him to lead us forward until the day He takes us home to be with Him.
Love in Him Who has claimed us as His own.
ps R U going to go to Audrey's Bible study group on Wednesday evenings?