funnily enough the sermon was on a passage in 1 Corinthians, the book my pastor has been preaching on since the fall..
it was a good sermon, a good reminder about what the Lord Supper is really all about and what we, as Christ followers have to do in preparation for this very important celebration..
one of the things we need to do is to make sure that we have done everything to be reconciled to whoever we had any "beef" with...
made me think of the one person that I just have had enough of.... legitimately, I have all the right to feel the way I do.. and still.....
have had to forgive him so many times already... him who is the main reason for all the dysfunction in my family..
a man that for all anyone close to him can see has ever only cared about himself...
who has been mistreating all of us for all our lives... shucks... just over the last few years, culminating in everything that has happened since my mother got so very very sick last year, there have been so many things that need forgiveness... and obediently I have.. forgiven that is..
but I guess, once again not the last few things.... and the weight of the overall damage he has inflicted that has come more and more to the surface and has been so very very frustrating........
so this afternoon, in the few minutes the pastor gave us to silently search our hearts... I didn't have to search, because it was right there..... I forgave my father for the last few episodes of ruthless disregard of my feelings .....
all by my lonesome at home tonite, once again making the mistake to listen to a beautiful love song I got a little bit sad... ( the loneliness just gets to me sometimes) and I was thinking of how he never was there to break my fall.... and he should have been...
forgiveness.. the most difficult thing to do.. the most important one too, though... it needed to be done.. it doesn't change the past... but it changes the present and the future... once again, chains severed, baggage released... rights surrendered... laid down at the foot of the cross, where He paid for my sins... sins that in the eyes of God are no different from those committed against me...
remembering the forgiveness that was extended to me... how can I not forgive those that trespass against me.. even if they blatantly continue to do so again and again...
I just can't hold on to it... the price is too high... feeling rather beaten up right now but I know I did the right thing...
And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins (Mark 11:25)
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14+15)
trusting that He will continue to heal the hurts... because He cares....
