I love my mother... I love her very, very much... to spend hours at her bed side, her looking so helpless, so fragile, so many machines and tubes and sounds and lights and.... it tends to put things into perspective...
yes, she might have been controlling, manipulative, negative, bitter and sometimes tooooo easily angered... she was not there for me when I had to go through the most horrible time in my life... but who cares?
She is my mother... and I love her... tears continue to come, anytime I look at her, when she , totally sedated and confused fights the nurse when doing things, seeing her facial expressions of fear and pain, it breaks my heart and I am feeling the over-protective unconditional love one has for her children... I would like to crawl up on her bed and hold her and take away any pain, happily suffering it for her... if only I could... today, she has been a lot more stable, no fever anymore, some functions becoming more normal with less meds... when spending 4 hours with her early this morning, I recited scripture, prayed and sang to her, all the german lullabies I have been singing to my kids over the years... stroking her hair, holding her hand and kissing her precious face...
I am at peace, my Abba Father is holding me, I am leaning my head on His shoulder... in the place where it fits perfectly and I am feeling His warmth and love flowing into me... He has givien me His hope for my mother.... and even though tomorrow's surgery will mean more potential complications and for sure a set back... I am trusting Him... with all my heart, soul and mind...
on top of all that I have had the most wonderful talks with my brother... open like never before to hearing me...not debating the validity of my faith but telling Him about His loving Father in Heaven...
there is, again, and it shouldn't surprise us, beauty in the turmoil....
I praise you my faithful God!! SOLI DEO GLORIA
