a callous heart??????? no, rather not!!!

I do get so overwhelmed by my feelings sometimes.
so many thoughts are swirling around in my mind.
trying to make sense of them is one of the reasons I have to write.

yesterday, when worshipping in church, lifting high the name of Jesus,
once again my soul was overwhelmed by this wave of deeply felt joy..
it never fails to make me tear up.. good tears straight from my heart
I am so looking forward to what moments like these are a foretaste of.

then the sermon.
admonished to not walk any longer like someone who doesn't know God.
no longer blinded to truth.
no longer foolishly rejecting God who has made Himself known to everyone through creation
no longer having a hardened heart...

I can, maybe even unknowingly, choose to become hardened again,
callous, if I am walking like those that don't know Him,
don't belong to Him
I will, as I am exposing myself to sensuality and every kind of impurity become greedy for more and more of the self satisfying lusts that are luring me away,
I will become callous and will start accepting evil as normal

oh may it not be so.
because,
how could I ever become callous, numb and unfeeling towards the glory of my Lord??????

I do not want to be less satisfied in Him
I love being satisfied in Him
basking in His love and glory
in the wonderfully illuminating light and warmth of His presence.
that's what overwhelms me

when I listen to a dear friend and her husband sharing the story of their 8 year long journey with the son they finally were able to adopt,
when I get to hear my own child and her husband pray with humble hearts,
when my husband shares with me something only God could have put in His heart...
when I know that God is at work,
the waymaker, miracle worker, promise keeper, light in the darkness that He, and only He, is!

then my spirit soars with the Holy Spirit in me
in perfect harmony
and my soul gets a glimpse of what hanging out at the mansion with Jesus will one day feel like.

oh how marvelous is He, how beautiful is He to me
drawing near, He is holding me close, I can hear His heart beat
and all my stress, my fear and my anxiety leaves my body..

so I pray.
I ask Him to help me love Him more,
to want to know Him more,
to trust Him more and to always, always, always, always
want to walk with Him, only Him.

what does the former life of mine have to offer?
it's all worthless and foolish,
promising satisfaction, and never coming through..
all lies.

thanking Him for the ability to discern,
through His living and active Word that is sharper than a two edged sword,
to know the intentions and desires of my heart...
a heart that is wicked and deceitful..
I am not trusting it, but rather HIM....

This God,
His way is perfect.
The Word of the Lord proves true.
He is a shield to those who take refuge in Him.

so loved.
by Him.
soaring with Him

... to sin or not to sin?????

so..... what motivates you to do good things?
 ( instead of bad things )

is it so that others like you more?

or even love you ?

is it so that others don't get upset with you?

to avoid conflict?

is it just something that you do ( because you are such a wonderful human being ;)

what is it??

the next question would have to be, what are these good things and who defines what is good anyways?

and am I capable of doing the good things or will I fail if I rely on my own strength to change my behaviour??

as a Christian I am believing a few things when it comes to these questions..

1.  I am a sinner.  and (apart from some common grace that God just distributes to anyone )  I am utterly selfish, proud and a slave to sin. I am lost and separated from God who is holy and cannot tolerate sin.
2. God sent His son to the world to pay for sin once and for all, and to defeat Satan ( and with it sin ) by rising from the dead.
3. Believing that 2. was done for me by Jesus, acknowledging that I am a sinner in need of a Saviour I receive the free and undeserved gift ( grace ) of forgiveness for my sins and I am now restored to a relationship with God. I become a child of God.
4. His Holy Spirit comes to dwell in me and because of this the power that resurrected Jesus from the dead is in me, I am no longer a slave to sin and can choose to sin no more. 

as a Christian I also by default have become a disciple, a follower of Christ and the calling that God has given me is to be holy, as He is holy.

BAM.
there you go

that's not something I can achieve... or can I?

so, what motivates me?

is it gratitude for what He has done for me?
would that mean that I have to try and repay Him for what He did?
work my way to somehow be worthy of what He has done for me?

is grace something that has to be paid off?
like a debt?
NO... obviously not... it is, after all called a free gift...

so then what?
is it my delight in Him?
because I love Him that much
because I treasure Him over everything???

that's sounds better somehow..

 but can I ???

For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.  For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand.  For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being,  but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.  Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.

Romans 7: 15-25

so my flesh and my spirit will be fighting this out until He takes me home.

can I ever reach this holiness goal?

will I ever be able to not believe the lies sin is promising?

not completely while in this body, but with an ever increasing ability..

as I am looking to Him

treasuring Him

believing Him to be worthy

relying on Him

seeking His presence and to stay there..

only when I believe that, like when He gave me grace when He saved me,

He also will continue to give me grace.

that all the promises He makes He will keep

that being His and living out this eternal relationship with Him is far greater than anything I could ever wish for or imagine.

believing that He is who He says He is...

only because He is so much more committed to me 

than I could ever be to Him

only because He is faithful, always,

 when I am not....

only because of faith in future grace can I stay the course

no matter what kind of storm is raging around me and inside of me...

because He is who He says He is

and He does what He says He will do

that's what motivates me

there you go :)