...unexpected punches out of nowhere...

.. it's like an earthquake, shaking up what was presumed to be peaceful, solid ground... coming out of nowhere,  leaving me curled up on my bed.. falling asleep with tears flowing, whimpering like a wounded animal... AGAIN.... drifting away as a measure of escape...
u'd think someone my age would know herself a bit better... what is it about the break up of a family that continues to allow punches to hit so totally unexpectedly..
waking up with the sick feeling in my stomach.. knowing that another consequence has come up that needs to be lived through, oh....to be able to escape...
connecting with a friend this morning one thing we shared was that maturing and "growing up" comes with understanding and accepting that there are things we just have to face, as something that just "is what it is"... and that as much as we would like to change it we have to be courageous and make the best out of it, not necessarily for ourselves but for others, like our own children...
so today... I wish it was over... I wish it would finally be done .. I wish I wasn't knocked out like that anymore... and as much as I know that nothing will be able to shake me, or destroy me, because my house is build on the solid Rock,  still,  fifteen months later I so would wish  the punches in the stomach would stop....
I was planning to meet with another friend today, then work on some stuff for the center, instead I was debilitated , trying to regain my equilibrium, getting together the courage to continue on the path that has become mine... trusting Him for the strength to get up from my bed, wipe the tears off my face and keep on keeping on... one minute at a time..
the question I have is:  Will it end?

... pouring out my brokenness.....

... sometimes I wish I  lived when Jesus was walking this earth, I would have wanted to be Mary, sitting by His feet and listening to what He had to say, soaking in His presence, basking in His gentleness and love.... hearing truth , spoken by the "Way the Truth and the Life"..... but then I would have had to go through the heartache of losing Him, seeing Him again, just for Him to leave for good... to have known Him "personally" though would have been so amazing... wondering if I would have loved Him more than I do now... or believe in Him more...

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him (1 Peter 1:8 )

Loving Him, enjoying His presence.. staying at His feet, pouring out my love, my heartache and my sadness... my joy and my excitement... my worries and my brokenness...letting go of any selfish notion.. makes me think of a new favorite song...

Here before Your altar

I am letting go of all I've held

Of every motive, every burden

Everything that's of myself

And I just wanna wait on You, my God

I just wanna dwell on who You are

Beautiful, beautiful

Oh, I am lost for more to say

Beautiful, beautiful

Oh Lord You're beautiful to me

Here in Your presence

I am not afraid of brokenness

To wash Your feet with humble tears

I would be poured out till nothing's left

And I just wanna wait on You, my God

I just wanna dwell on who You are

I just want to dwell on who He is, how much He loves me, how much I love Him, and how I can serve Him and follow Him...

I am still wishing though I was there when He was... because sometimes I feel He isn't there. sometimes I am feeling alone, I know that He is always there, but sometimes His presence escapes me..  I am a touchy, feely kind of person and to be able to really see Him will one day be just amazing...

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." ( Hebrews 11:1 )

considering that faith is a gift from Him... I am going to hold on to what I know to be true... that His presence is always there, that He walks with me wherever I go...

because that is what His Word, the truth, says: "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” ( Matthew 28: 20 )

..I am looking forward to seeing Him in all His glory when He takes me home one day... and I am sure that He will...