JOG meeting today... always a time of deep sharing and accountability.... not necessarily always the easiest time... who likes to realize things about oneself that are not that flattering or easy to deal with..."the black and white, get things over with" part of me is sooo tired of dealing with all this stuff STILL, after more than 14 months.. I guess I have been resisting some of the lessons I have to learn from this... seriously.....
at the end of the summer last year I sought some counselling to help me figure out if there was anything other than having been dismissed and thrown away by my husband that caused me to feel devalued and incomplete without a man who loved me and was committed to me.
we came to the conclusion that it was me believing a lie, the lie that only when loved by a man was I valuable and complete.. it frustrated me immensely because I knew so much better .... when I was first saved I was blown away by how much God loved me, that He had chosen me before the beginning of the world to be His beloved, that my worth was found in the fact that I was a child of His and that he had shown His love by willingly sacrificing His only son, so that I could have a relationship with Him... how much this knowledge and assurance in my heart had helped me through years and years of loneliness and hurt in a difficult marriage... and there I was now, falling for that horrible lie that I was only complete when I was a part of a couple...
Confronted with the reality of being alone I struggled with accepting that God had allowed this, knowing all along, without a doubt that He does have my best interest in mind I tried really hard to be okay with this.
The ups and downs I have been talking about so many times are a sign for the fact that I have not accepted this at all. I do not want to be alone, I did not want my marriage to end, it feels like Jesus is not enough for me and so I find myself being tossed back and forth, one day feeling loved and fulfilled by the love of my best friend and Saviour, just to have a sad pity party the next day, feeling so utterly alone and rejected that only a Knight on a white horse could rescue me from my despair.... oh how horrible is that... I had to realize today that I am not okay with the fact that I had no say whatsoever in this, that my pride and rebellious spirit tells me still that I need and should control this situation...
the truth is that this is not the case at all... I prayed this afternoon and confessed all this to God, I started telling Him that I was sorry about this and surprised myself when for the first time I told Him how very unfair and mean I think all of this is... asked before if I was angry at God I always , from the bottom of my heart declared that I was NOT... and I didn't think so, honestly....
I have not fully surrendered to where God has me now, I have not reached the place of being content with my circumstances, accepting God's sovereignty in my life... accepting that He wants me to be alone right now, that He wants me to really learn to come to Him and find Him sufficient, maybe even for the rest of my life... I don't want that... there I go again... I want something else... I need to surrender my will..... this is hard... I want to get it done, get it out of the way.. once and for all because I am tired of the back and forth and up and down... resting in Him at all times, content in all circumstances... no matter how "humanly speaking" unfair they seem to be.... I will keep you posted...
