real life.. difficulties, disappointments, frustration and let downs... normal every day life... slowly taking over again, allowing some of the feelings that so far had no room to surface ... ever so slightly... but still there...
the transition from deeply hurt and so utterly dejected to being relatively fine again... happening so slowly, almost undetected.... amazing, really, but still, especially in a time like this, the reality of it all still can throw one off....
listening to the song that started my journey over 2 years ago when I heard it for the first time at the first Michael W Smith concert, made me think of who I was then, and how it had so amazingly ministered to me...
Sitting at Your feet is where I want to be
I'm home when I am here with You
Ruined by Your grace, enamored by Your gaze
I can't resist the tenderness in You
I'm deep in love with You, Abba Father
I'm deep in love with You, Lord
My heart, it beats for You, precious Jesus
I'm deep in love with You, Lord
it was there when He showed Himself to me, His tenderness... seeing myself lying on the floor, broken in thousands of pieces, He stooped down and picked me up, so tenderly, so full of love, saying, I know what's going on with you, and I care.......
by then I had already discovered that they were emailing but did what every wife that is cheated on does, I kind of denied it to myself... it was a horrible place to be and somehow I had been questioning why God wasn't doing anything......
knowing Him as the Lover of my Soul, in a sad and violated marriage invigorated me and led in the end to the big change of heart that He brought about in me...
today, listening to this song, it kind of didn't do as much good.... thinking that I never have been loved by a man, not by my father with whom "best case scenario" meant He was "just" absent and not also emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive, or my husband... not enough anyways to take me with my faults , just for who I am, and stay....
so today, alone, obviously not loved by a man, not cared for or cherished, it was difficult for me to reconnect with the comfort these words have given me before....
it might just be time for another total immersion into what He says in His Word.... to meditate on all the verses of His unfailing, eternal love.... today was a more bleak kind of a day... and they do still happen, not very often any more..... there is a totally different quality about them.... no more "how could he" and "if he hadn't done this" but more being overwhelmed by what reality is.... in this regard.... and I know that this does not define me... and still... today, not so good a day for my heart.... it is fragile and tender....
the cry of my heart tonite is for His tenderness to be so strong and so obvious, that I won't be able to resist it.....
