.... Christmas tree still up, fireplace going... wearing my new PJ's my youngest daughter gave me... wrapped in a cozy blankie..( a gift from a friend a few years ago.... sooooo soft ) one puppy on the counch with me, the other one on the other couch.... my pink laptop on my lap, watching "Happy New Year Charlie Brown"..... how much more relaxing and cozy can it get???Telling a friend today that I am actually quite happy being alone... even on a day like today, when once again all my kids are out, even overnight... and it is really just me, I am enjoying it, I am. I would not have thought that possible even a few months ( weeks) ago...
Well meaning friends told me I had to first be okay being alone, before entering into another relationship, I nodded my head but I didn't think that I would ever achieve that... now I think I probably have.. how cool is that????
It's all my Father's doing... yes, for the first time in my life I am resting in who He made me to be... this must be the most wonderful state of mind / soul / heart....
He is indeed enough for me... it is true, I wanted to believe it but I doubted it... I did, I can admit that...
I knew it had to be... I wanted it to be like this... I experienced it sometimes.... but still felt somehow weird about being alone... now, I still am hoping that in God's most amazing plan for my life is that one man that will fit with me so wonderfully that it will blow my mind away, but there is no longer that urgency.... I can take all the time to find this out... I am trusting Him...
Me being the impatient, task oriented yet emotional girl, I thought that there had to be some method of getting to that place of trust, that it took more bible reading and meditating, more praying, more memorizing ..... that there had to be some kind of action I had to take for this trust to become big enough to give me that peace I was so longing for... that feeling of being whole and worthy, without a man giving me that value by loving me... I was frustrated and I doubted... I figured I just had been messed up too much by the rejections of my life to ever be able to get there...
Oh, me of little faith.... I can't believe that even though I have seen my God in action... I have seen Him carrying us through tremendous tragedy .... that I still could not fathom that he would make all this beautiful in HIS TIME.... that it was whenever He had planned this, it would happen.... that no matter how much I tried to come up with all kinds of steps to get there, that it would be whenever the time was right He would have me where He wanted me to be...
My drawing closer and closer to Him, my reading, meditating, praying and memorizing were indeed very important, but once again, it was not what I did that made this happen, but rather Who He is... communing with me and transforming me, restoring my broken spirit, enabling me to soak up His love... saturated with it I finally just feel that "me" just me, is indeed good... made in His image.... wonderfully made, planned by my loving Father....
It is wonderful and I am taking it in.... understanding that growing up in one's faith , reaching new levels of closeness and peace come with a price...
I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death ( Philippians 3:10)
Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. ( Romans 8:17)
I wouldn't want it any other way... if this is the way my Lord orchestrated this... I didn't enjoy the pain and I am not liking it when it still creeps up here and there , but it seems maturity is bitter sweet and means so much more because of the price that had to be paid to get there...
He knows what is best and who am I to question the potter..... I am in awe of Him... and His goodness..
The Psalms have always been a source of comfort and hope for me, and the Lord has ministered to me through many of them... a favorite is Psalm 27 and the last few verses of this Psalm seem to be very fitting for this..
I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
As a new year is just around the corner, let's all just wait for the Lord.... we WILL see the goodness of Him if we are just taking heart and continue to wait on Him!!!!!
