..till death do us part...

...one week from today the man who promised to love me until death would tear us apart is going to make this same promise again... even the best man is going to be the same one.... my daughters will be at this joyous event and many of the people that one day were friends of "us".....
as the day approaches I would be lying if I were to say that I am totally fine... the truth is, I am, in regards to him no longer being my husband, to him moving on so quickly, I am, I am fine with that... I am actually relieved that I am no longer in an "existence of pain" but rather in the process of moving "through the pain"  nearing the end of it... so, all this is good, but I would still be lying if I said it didn't make me sad ... I know that my girls are going to have an awkward time and it is going to be hurtful for them to have to be a part of a ceremony that will just manifest once again that the family that was their security and meant to be a strong foundation, no longer exists... no news for them but sharing in a day like this will bring it right to the surface... difficult to say the least... I wish I could be there for them but they will have to face this one alone, not alone, but without me ... love them so much , my girls ...
heading to Nashville on Wednesday and looking forward to it so much... so thankful to be blessed this way....
today some wonderful people painted the office of Hope for Life... so exciting , measured the Care Closet for the shelving we will get put in...I have boxes full of beautiful baby clothes in my basement waiting to be sorted and put out.... all is starting to shape up, God is so good... a year ago this was a thought that was starting to form, now it is becoming reality...
Prince Charming hasn't shown up yet, he might never, but right now that is a good thing I think, really need to be there for those that do love me and need me around... and for those that need encouragement and help that I haven't even met yet... what a privilege to be of use.. so thankful for the purpose God has for my life... for His continued love and support... His blessings and provision.... the abundant life that He has promised...  and the fact that He does keep them... the promises that is... #SoliDeoGloria

.... the lover that never forsakes...

... today is July 18th...  one year and 7 months after the final break down of my marriage...
for the last 2 months or so I have been able to say that I think I am actually realizing I am fine.... it is still kind of weird for me to say that... kind of like when you have been sick for so long and you are surprised to be healthy again... especially because it seemed like something that didn't cease to shock me and leave me baffled... for a long, long time...
I remember saying to myself whenever thinking of the whole thing before ( which happened a lot... and now not any more..hallelujah) "I can't believe he did that"....
somehow I am no longer baffled... no longer hurt even... weird to say that... never had anything that hurtful happen to me and really see it being healed... so I guess that explains my surprise...
for me, this is just one more proof that God is actually really doing what He says... He tells us to be obedient and forgive and He will deal with the emotions and heal us...
as the wedding of my Ex husband is approaching I am finding myself to be totally fine with this...
I am not saying that what he did was right, and I still believe that God does not want marriages and families to fall apart, but, when people in our lives choose to sin, and we forgive them, He is faithful and heals our wounds...
I am also not saying that I am not still confronted with the consequences , especially as my children are each on their own path to healing, I am also not saying that there is not a certain regret and sadness that I believe will always be there... I am just so thankful that God has come through for me once again.
 not only has He been there all along, walking alongside me on the path to healing that led me to the deepest depths of pain, but He has kept His promise... He has restored the years the locusts have eaten...
the best thing about this is that I am not feeling this way because the man in my life has been replaced and some man is now making me happy, not at all, it is a state of contentment and joy, of realizing that my life is blessed, that I am loved and accepted... that I am never alone and that living pursuing my God given purpose in life , growing in my relationship with Jesus and persevering on the path that He has laid out for me in itself is fulfilling and a gift from Him...
I am surprised that it didn't take longer for this to happen... I am so thankful...
yesterday in church we sang one of my favorite songs.... Jesus, Lover of my Soul....
it is almost 9 years ago that my cousin was killed in a car accident... she was only 29 and had a little son... the only thing that brought me comfort at this time of grief was this song..

Jesus, Lover of my soul,

Jesus, I will never let you go

You’ve taken me from the miry clay

You've set my feet upon the Rock, and now i know

I love you, I need you,

Though my world may fall, I’ll never let you go

My Saviour, my closest friend,

I will worship you until the very end

I realized as I was singing this song yesterday that even then He was teaching me and preparing me for what was going to happen... to cling to Him no matter what happens around us... to pursue Him and hold on to Him, trusting that when I didn't even have the strength to hold on to Him anymore He indeed would never let me go.....

I decided then and there that I would always worship Him, no matter what happened... I accepted His sovereignty and decided to believe that even in death His plans are always the best for us.

I thank Him for giving me this kind of faith... I never questioned Him knowing best... even when I couldn't  see what could be good about what was happening in our lives...

speak about believing that there is light at the end of the tunnel when you have no way of seeing even a glimpse of it....

He has never disappointed me and I am in awe of His great love.... it is, I am sure, something that will never change, it is what He wants me to tell other's about... it is all in His Great Master Plan... in His great love He saves us and gives us a purpose... He sustains us and carries us... He gives us so much more than any human being could ever give us... we need to let one another off the hook... how can a bunch of broken, sinful people ever be able to treat one another well enough, without hurting one another? let's face it, that is just not going to happen this side of heaven... so I am choosing to do it God's way... try to with His strength do my best and let go of the hurts that I am sure will continue to come my way... after all, who else can I rely on? so far  His advice has always worked out for me...

#SoliDeoGloria

.... the longings fulfilled....

Seek ye first the Kingdom of God... and His righteousness....

our hearts are longing... for  healthy relationships and closeness, for excitement, for fun and satisfaction, for success and pleasure... even for knowing Him more, for serving Him, for knowing the plan He has for our lives, our purpose.....

but rather than focusing on those longings, we are called to seek the Kingdom of God...

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us— yes, establish the work of our hands. (Psalm 90:14 +17)


In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.
Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.  In him was life, and that life was the light of men.  The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it. The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. ( John 1:1-5+14)

Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. ( Jeremiah 29:12-14)

Seeking the Kingdom of God... He is there, He will be found... He who brought the light, He is the Word, the Word became flesh... knowing Him, seeking His kingdom and His righteousness, finding satisfaction and joy in the morning.... we need to come before Him, engage in a relationship, know Him, and since He is the Word become flesh there is such an easy way to do that...
seeking Him in the scriptures He will speak to us directly, His Spirit communicating with the Holy Spirit within us and giving us all we need, filling us up with His love, with joy, with direction, with purpose, His Spirit never giving up on us, slowly changing us and growing the fruit of the Spirit in our hearts...
there is so much to be gained by seeking Him first each day... we say He is our life, our best friend.... spending time with Him can be a delight... not a duty....  a time with the One whose unfailing love will never ever leave us....

Seek first the Kingdom of God... Seek Him in the morning, and let Him fill you with His love
#SoliDeoGloria

... perhaps love is like a shelter.....

Love... the deepest longing, to mean something to someone else, to belong, to matter.... it seems like the bigger part of all popular songs are talking about love... it is a mystery and we all want it....

good for us if the first two people in our life have loved us well, our parents, we do not wonder quite as much if we are worthy being loved... constant rejection and hurt seems to make the quest for love so much more important..... security, comfort, self worth all wrapped up in those two most significant relationships... then,  as life goes on we get hurt because those that we thought loved us walked away or replaced us, just didn't want us anymore, maybe never loved us.... 

but....consider this:

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.  (Zephaniah 3:17)

This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. ( 1 John 4:10)

if we have met Jesus, and have accepted His gift of salvation... we are sure that He loves us and we cannot help but love Him....the longing is fulfilled... the hole in our hearts filled with Him and His love..

it saddens me to see how we struggle with finding this love here on earth when the expectations we have are God given, only to be met by Him.... they are there to keep us searching for Him.... because He alone loves perfectly, without selfishness and sin....

and still.... there is love to be found here and this again is a gift from the One from whom all blessings flow... going to Him in the morning and having my heart filled up with His love allows me to love well and to feel so loved by whoever God has put in my life.. no matter how imperfectly this person will love... it  will lead to a heart overflowing with love... I love that thought...

Perhaps love is like a resting place

A shelter from the storm

It exists to give you comfort

It is there to keep you warm

And in those times of trouble

When you are most alone

The memory of love will bring you home

Perhaps love is like a window

Perhaps an open door

It invites you to come closer

It wants to show you more

And even if you lose yourself

And don't know what to do

The memory of love will see you through

Oh, love to some is like a cloud

To some as strong as steel

For some a way of living

For some a way to feel

And some say love is holding on

And some say letting go

And some say love is everything

And some say they don't know

Perhaps love is like the ocean

Full of conflict, full of change

Like a fire when it's cold outside

Or thunder when it rains

If I should live forever

And all my dreams come true

My memories of love will be of you.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. ( Romans 8:38-39)

Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all those things will be given unto you.... 

life was never supposed to be without Him as our top priority..... # SoliDeoGloria

... facing the bad and the ugly....

..Come see... come see with spirit eyes.....
a weekend that did not bring out the best in me... I have to admit it... thankful for the "deposit" that has been made in my heart... to guarantee my inheritance until the day of Christ Jesus... the Spirit.... revealing to me my short comings.. had a 24  hour window where: "why do I always have to do what is right for everyone else" won the battle.... decided not to and hurt my daughter's feelings....
allowing some deep and hidden stuff in her to come to the surface... and again... He never wastes our bad decisions....He is so wonderful.... that's the sunny, making everyone feel fine so that she can feel at peace, one... confronted with the fact that there are big things that are not fine... good for her to see that she too, even though she really did not want to go there, needs to face how the break up of the only family she has known has affected her....
oh the ripple effect... it makes me feel sick... the bad choices I have made along the way... even though forgiven by God for them, it breaks my heart how my dear unsuspecting children have been hurt by them...
...others have added their mistakes... in all of this, He still is sovereign... now to wrap your head around that one... :S

yesterday was a great day otherwise though, church was once again what it needs to be.... expressing to Him how important He is, spending time worshipping Him and being filled with His Word... then, the Volunteer training... a great group of women, a lot of God given wisdom ... understanding shared about what this life is all about...

news flash, it is NOT about "white picked fence happiness".... that's not why we are here... that's not even why we are going to be opening the doors of the Pregnancy Center in September...
 it is to point people to Him, who alone has the answers to our questions... who is the real reason we are here... who we get to know better as the bad choices and the sinfulness that are a fact of this broken world assault us... who is the only Hope for Life we have... life abundant and life eternal...

watching your children grow up and mature... a blessing but also hard.. very hard... especially when guilt that has already been nailed to the cross could be the outcome... now that is not what God has in mind for anyone....
heard something very good and encouraging yesterday: we all are children of the perfect parent, God... and see how we are struggling... He never has made any mistakes and yet, we are rebellious, stubborn and just don't get it right.... He let's us figure it out... after asking my daughter  for forgiveness and promising her to be the one who will do what is right for everyone else next time her father comes to visit and acts accordingly, I am now just letting go of my need to control things so that my child is happy and let her figure it out... my prayer is that she will learn to go to her perfect father.... the One who is mine as well..... because He will never let her down, like I did yesterday...
#SoliDeoGloria

...the heat is rising... get out of the pot and be holy

when reading the Word throughout our lives as followers of Christ.. drawing close to Him, getting to know Him better, it is inevitable to understand more and more that even though He loved us when we were still His enemies, even though He knew of all the sins we would commit in our life time on this earth and paid for all of them when He gave His life on the cross, even though He will always welcome us back after we have turned away and gone astray for a while..... even though all of this is true... His Word tells us again and again that we too need to be Holy, like He is Holy....

overwhelming and unattainable without Him, still extremely hard with His Spirit in us...

wondering if in the big scheme of things the Lord also allows others to sin against us so that we can get a better understanding of how Satan really works... how subtle he is in deceiving us...

together with a dear friend who finds herself in a similar situation, trying to process what happened, it became clear to me that the sinning, the utter disregard of what we know is right, is not something that happens randomly all of a sudden... rather it is the consequence of slowly drifting away, distancing ourselves from God and buying into one little lie at a time...

 this is why this is so very dangerous... this is why we all are more than capable of all the sins out there, even though we might not want to admit it...
the husband starting an affair did not get up from His amazing quiet time with His Lord , celebrating His vibrant relationship with Jesus.... just to make a 180 degree turn and dismiss all he ever believed in...
no, it must have been a slow process of accepting things as okay that were  in the " grey area"

be holy... be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. Hebrews 12:14

when walking down the slippery slope of disobedience, at first we are just giving in a little bit to something... the escape route is still pretty wide...and easily accessible... each lie we believe takes us further down the road that leads away from God.. and the window we could climb through to escape becomes so small, the effort to squeeze ourselves through ends up to just be too much... in the end... we just take the last little plunge... it is not such a big step anymore...

so what are we to do... we need to be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
1 Peter 5:8

and... we need to pray this...
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
   test me and know my anxious thoughts.
 See if there is any offensive way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:23-24

and deal with it... repent... walk away, stop before, like the frog in the pot of water on the stove is slowly getting used to the heat and dies, we are so okay with sinfulness that committing that sin is no biggie anymore....

As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance.  But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do;  for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”
1 Peter 1:14-16

#SoliDeoGloria

.... "There She Stands" by Michael W Smith...

I have to apologize to my Canadian friends...  I am so thankful for having been able to live in this wonderful country for the last 19 years, I became a Canadian in 2004, and I am proudly voting whenever I can, pay my taxes and studied all about the provinces and everything... have never been out West, but all the way to Prince Edward Island... all I have seen is beautiful and it is such a privilege to live here...

today, though, is the 4th of July... and, listening to the man sing about this neighbour country of ours, who plays the strings of my heart like no one ever has or ever will ( yes, that's what I believe... I will gladly allow myself to be proved wrong :).... singing  "there she stands"... with a music video that has no comparison... ( something to be learned here Lady Gaga and fans :S ) tears well up and my heart resonates in a way that I cannot comprehend or explain...

thinking about this on Canada Day.... born a German.. chosen to leave my roots behind, I have embraced what I think is my citizenship in Heaven... this is not my home, neither is Germany... nor even the United States of America, even though I cannot lie... I would love to live there one day... Franklin Tennessee really sounds like a great place to me right now..... ;)

we are not of this world yet called to live in it... for one reason only.. to share the Good News with those that do not know and freely share His love with others... this is wherever he will call us to be and do that..
working on the finishing touches of the website for Hope for Life today, I am in awe and full of excitement again at the opportunity... so, it doesn't matter.... Hope for Life in Georgetown, Ontario or Miriam's Promise in Nashville, TN.... ( yeah... that's what they have there... now if that is not a sign I want to see one...) or an orphanage in South Africa or an agency working fiercely to stop Human trafficking in India.... when He asks me " who will go?" my answer is: "me... use me...."  Because I want to be right smack in the middle of His will for me... because I am sure that this is the very bestest ever place for anyone who loves the Lord like I do!!!!

in the meantime I am getting busy with what He has entrusted me with for now.... so exciting!!!!!!!!!
#SoliDeoGloria

.. @MichaelWSmith in 36 days... GOD is GOOD all the time

Canada's Birthday today... 144 years... do you know that the little 1000 people village I come from in one forgotten valley of the Black Forest was first mentioned sometime 1000 AD????? so sorry, I cannot relate...but, anyways, I am thankful and blessed to have spent the last 19 years in Canada...

trying to figure out what we were usually doing on Canada Day we came to the conclusion that very often, even last year, we were at the cottage... this year, no cottage, one daughter on a fun road trip with her Dad, for a week, so much fun, I am very happy for her... and then, the other two, we had a nice late breakfast on the patio... did some tanning... but now they are both gone... to see the boyfriends... and I am happy for them, even encouraged them to go... sweet girls....

God knew that I felt a little lonely and left out today... and, He prepared some piece of amazing news for me today... it could have been announced yesterday, or tomorrow... or any other day.... but it was put on facebook today...

so , when coming inside because it was just a bit too hot, I went online and I saw it.... it could not have been any better news for me... there is nothing that could have made me feel more loved and taken care of....... today Michael W Smith's Event Manager, a great guy called Derek, put it up..... there is a concert in Franklin, Tennessee, at the Franklin Theatre, a concert to benefit the theatre... by, you guess it I am sure, Michael W. Smith.... this concert is on August 6, 2011.....

it makes me cry to think that once again my God has cared enough to meet ALL my needs, not necessary, because I would have been fine, but so very precious.... once again, He is using one of His followers, the one the has used the most in touching my heart in my journey of turmoil of the last 2 years,
to be there to minister to me on a very difficult day, the day my Ex husband is getting married...

I am so much better, but it is to be expected that this is going to be a difficult day... so now, I don't just get to go and do something fun with friends... I get to travel to Nashville, to Franklin, for a few days and on the day get to enjoy a concert of the World's bestest ever Artist, in his hometown... missed the weekend there with him, because of my little daughter's health scare... but now am rewarded in such a way... it blows me away... I am crying... because, let's face it..... isn't He just so wonderful to me?