When everything comes crushing down on you AGAIN... when your daughter called her dad, the one that gave her the example of what to do when the going gets tough which would be to walk away... when she calls him and asks him to pick her up because she can't stand it in your house anymore because since all this happened you only care about yourself and you are basically the worst mother there is?
When the day before you had to listen to that new life the man that promised to stay with you until death do us part, is living with his new love AND your children which leaves you not only without a man who loves you but ALL ALONE...
When all you have been doing for the last year is being on your knees and trying so hard to hold on and not loose it... when you are as lonely as can be and it all is so unfair... when you are not even allowed to engage in a new relationship because you are a Christian and even though you had no say in all of this you now again have to be the one that does things right......Can you voice those feelings even though you know that God is faithful and that being obedient keeps you under the umbrella of protection of the all loving and all knowing God you love so dearly and passionately.... even though you know that all you have to do is run to Him and find all you need?
Can you admit that not always do you act upon that knowledge that you have ingrained in your heart, soul and mind...that sometimes you need to vent and just want to run away yourself... stop doing what is right and go for what your heart longs for... the acceptance and love of a man... flesh and blood... someone to stand by you when like right now all is falling apart and running away is so enticing..someone who cares about YOU.... because it seems no one does... no one.
Can you tell people that... or should you figure things out and then come forward and praise God for His faithfulness and stay silent about your faithlessness.... well, I am feeling like I want to just walk away... faithless and ungrateful...selfish and needy...looking for what I need.. not what is right..
The truth is I won't, because thanks to my Lord and Saviour I know better, He has made it clear to me that as much as my human nature inside of me screams to QUIT doing what is right, this would be the worst thing I could do.
He gives me the ability to keep on keeping on when everything in me wants to give up....
Thanks to the Lord I am not really selfish, I am not really just going to go for what feels right at the moment... thanks to only Him and His grace was I able to hug my daughter and tell her how much I love her before she left.... thanks to only Him and His grace will I go on with my life and continue to try to do what is right... thanks to Him alone will I stay under the umbrella of His authority and will obey Him cheerfully....
But right now ... my question is, can I let you know, that I am sick and tired of having to be the one that continues to do what is right...
