.... love trumps EVERYTHING...... even Michael W Smith

up in the middle of the night... troubled more than I first was when we got the news yesterday afternoon, troubled about what I should do about my plans for this weekend... I have been looking forward to this for some time and for where I am today this is the best thing not even only since sliced bread but so much more special...
a weekend in Franklin / Nashville Tennessee with my most favorite in the whole wide universe artist... Michael W. Smith, 3 concerts with him and one worship service, an invitation to his ranch for a BBQ and an Open Air concert... meeting his family.... his music has been an instrument of healing, hope and grace in my life since the unthinkable happened almost 18 months ago.....
and now, I am up and can't fall back asleep because I am sure God is telling me I need to cancel this weekend... I need to cancel it because the news we got at the Dr's office has been a bit disconcerting...
because I have a child that is struggling, has been struggling with what has been dealt her in the last 18 months... a child that has had to be okay with her mother spending a total of 4 weeks away in the last two months, and even though she understands that my mother needed me, she needs me... she has been assaulted by some very bad blows, and she needs me now...
yesterday's news of a "mass" in her right kidney, which could be anything from just a shadow, a bright renal column showing up weirdly on an ultrasound to cancer....there is another mass, which could be a kidney stone, or just another mass.... mass.... I hate this word.... she has had pain for a long time... all over the place, it looks like she also has gastritis which is completely stress related.... duh..... the poor kid.
so, as she has been clinging to me, this little independent child of mine, so not her at all.... I think I need to let everyone I was going to meet in beautiful Tennessee know that I won't be coming after all....
I need to do what I did two months ago when I dropped everything and rushed to my mother's ICU bed... my love for my mother trumped any other responsibility, obligation, my aversion against flying and anything else that was important to me.... and today, this early morning my love for my daughter and His Spirit inside of me is telling me I need to drop everything and be with my child.
I am not anxious, I trust the Lord for her health and her emotional needs to be met, I just know that as her mother I need to be there for her...I want to be there for her, like I needed to be there for my mother and wanted and want to be there for her... talking with her on the phone yesterday as well I felt so sorry for her, crying a bit on the phone with her... I can't be there right now... I just can't...
so... long story short... I will  email everyone and give them the news... I know that Michael will be disappointed... ( I wish ) but .....
There is a time for everything,
   and a season for every activity under heaven:
 a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build....
a time to travel and have the most fun ever in your life
and a time to stay with those you love...
thankful to have my children to love, what a gift they are to me, same as  my beloved mother,
it is a privilege for me to be at their side whenever they need me... this is just one of those times...
the rest my Daddy, my Abba Father will look after... I just need to be there....

.... a glorious day @ GAC

have I ever mentioned how much I love my church family????? when I first was saved I was surprised to feel such love for people in my church... making friends on a totally different level than ever before..
connecting because we love the same "guy" with a passion that supersedes anything we have ever known..
anyways... this morning, after copying and folding and setting up.. walking into the sanctuary, seeing, hugging and talking to some friends I was surprised I wasn't nervous... the sanctuary was full .. so that's I think about 500 - 600 people... and I was going to have to go up there and speak, only for 4 minutes but nonetheless...
celebrating what God has been doing in the lives of the members of our congregation always is a wonderful thing.. hearing little testimonies ... age range 10 - 65 maybe, and I am only guessing... how uplifting and heart warming..
when it was my turn and I was walking up, my "family" applauded me.... my friends, you have no idea how that made me feel....
it was as if Jesus Himself was saying: "way to go, good and faithful servant".... my prayer before I walked up was that what I was going to say was going to be just about Him, not about me...
life is after all... all from Him and all about Him. He alone is to be praised for anything we ever accomplish...
so basically that's what today was all about... to let my family know that there is a new ministry that is all about the love of Christ... loving the brokenhearted, leading them to Him, who came to bind them up, to restore what the locusts have eaten.... to walk alongside the weak and hold them up with His strength...
I am thankful once again that He is going to use me, a battered, bruised and broken vessel... with all kinds of blemishes and holes, some because of my own and some because of the choices of others...
His love is uncontainable... the more holes the more His love can flow freely through them when we allow it...
over the last few months I have been "out there" in the world and have gotten some interesting responses to my faith and my world view... it definitely is foolishness to those who have not had their eyes opened and their ears unstopped....
my prayer is that through Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center Jesus' irresistible love will flow to many women, young and old, and their families, boyfriends and husbands... may they come to know Him and be filled with His uncontainable love.... SOLI  DEO GLORIA

... there is Hope for Life... and Life abundantly...

... rain, and rain, and more rain... I guess we can rejoice in the fact that it has not snowed like it did in Celerina yesterday...
up again very early, don't understand even though I was never able to sleep before 3 am while being over there I still wake up at 4 am here every day... there is just no winning this battle just losing sleep on a regular basis.. it's all good...
a little sick... I am convinced  I picked this cold up from this guy that was sneezing all over the little train at the Zuerich Airport... what was he thinking not covering his nose :S
anyways... this is the day that the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad in it...
working all day on  preparations for today's activities at the church... I have been given 4 minutes to tell the congregation about Hope for Life... not a lot,  but we also will have an information table during the BBQ for those that are interested in finding out more..
working on my little "speech" I couldn't help but marvel at God's sovereignty and His care.. the way He brought about the launch of this ministry today is so Him... which really means so perfect... the way He works all these things out baffles my mind... details so small and yet not overlooked..
letting me lose what I thought was my security only to point me to Himself over and over again..  my heart emptied of earthly things He then filled the void with heavenly things...
we do not know what the future of Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center will be, He does though....
every precious life saved, every soul saved, every sin repented of and forgiven is Christ manifested and honored...
so today I will talk really fast... just kidding, I will trust that what those in the sanctuary will need to hear about this ministry will be communicated by Him... through me, through the Holy Spirit nudging and directing... and all for His Glory Alone.... SOLI DEO GLORIA

.. celebrating a birthday... and life affirming choices...

twenty three years ago I was at Mount Sinai Hospital in Toronto, not knowing that I would not have this baby for another 15 hours... labor 20 hours  and then a C-section... at one point I was actually deciding I didn't want a baby after all and leave... I didn't think I could go on... going on I did and today we are celebrating my oldest daughter's 23rd Birthday..
she has grown up to be a wonderful loving and caring young woman, with a degree in History, enrolled to go to school for another 2 years to get equipped for her real passion, to open a bakery...
She continues to bring me joy and her outer and inner beauty reflect that she is indeed a daughter of the King.. I praise Him and thank Him for her...
this morning I am also going to meet with the Steering Committee for the Pregnancy Center... we have been given a few minutes during the service on Sunday to present this new ministry to the church... afterwards, when the church comes together for a BBQ lunch, we will have an info table for those that want to know more...
considering that my oldest is my "replacement" child... the one I just needed to have to be sure I was able to have a baby after my abortion, the one I had been buying little outfits for for years, that I had been hiding in my closet .... it only makes sense that today we would be working on what the Lord is going to use my bad choice for...  making this calling He placed on me a reality... one step at a time..
my mother walked up and down the hospital hallway for ten minutes yesterday, but also has a slight fever again...  nothing is ever easy but the perseverance and character it teaches us is worth it in the end...
I praise Him from whom all blessings flow...in His goodness he has been there all along...
to Him alone be the glory forever, Amen... SOLI DEO GLORIA

.. heading back, trusting Him...

it is 6:05 am in beautiful Celerina... I am packing the last few items and getting myself ready while my little daughter is still sleeping... the train leaves at 7:05... the start of our 15 hour journey back to Canada..
God is faithful.. we had a great day with my mother yesterday.. alert and not in too much pain... walking around as if nothing has happened... and I am exaggerating ... but, considering that the night before she fell asleep while lying in bed trying to brush her teeth.. and last night she was standing in her little bathroom and took a good two minutes brushing, then changed her nightgown and walked all the way back to bed..
today hopefully some of the tubes will be removed and getting around will be even easier..
we had a tearful Good bye but it was something that could be done... God is so good, He answered our prayers for a good last day.... how hard would it have been leaving her had she not improved...
so now, it is back to good old Canada... looking forward to my own bed and my little sleep companions, the white and fluffy ones..
I am thankful for the way God has provided for us to be here, for the surgery to go well, for recovery to happen, for love and communication, for patience and peace, for funny times together ... today my brother is arriving to take over the care of my mother.. very soon the second leg of her journey to complete healing will be done.. then on to Chemotherapy... and she will make it through that as well..
the truth is as much as she is resisting the Lord, He is still with her and will give her all she needs... because that's who He is...
But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy,  made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved..... He pursues us relentlessly... He won't give up on my cute, rebellious mother... I trust that...
so off we go now... trusting Him for safe travels... and everything else we need, as always...

... an update from the dry and weary place...

once again I kind of thought I should stop writing, stop boring everyone with the up's and down's in my life... and sure enough there are some that say they miss it... really?
anyways... the long awaited update...
the last few days in the hospital have been heart wrenching...
this again was a major surgery and no matter that my mother was really doing very well before and this was not an emergency like it was the last time, no life threatening sepsis happening.. it still is VERY hard on her 71 year old body and her mind and attitude...
suffering just sucks... it's true... no one likes to feel pain... when every little movement hurts and life as you know it is as far away as it can be... so sure she is having a hard time...
some, or maybe a great deal of the pain she has caused herself when the first day after the surgery she was trying to escape her status quo by trying to get up every few minutes and trying to get out of her bed... not good on a freshly operated on tummy.... it is our instinct to flee and I guess my mother is a very strong person... disoriented after all the drugs... all she did was follow her instinct and try to get away...
obviously that was not a very good thing....
the last 2 days have been a little more peaceful yet hard... seeing your mother like that, sedated and whimpering to herself and groaning because of pain and discomfort when all we can do is offer her some tea or broth... putting more lotion on her dry lips and helping her to sit up for a moment....
on a positive note, the sun has been shining and it is just so marvelously beautiful here up in the mountains... my daughter is such a delight to be around... so compassionate and caring, funny and smart... I am blessed to spend that much time with her...
so we are going to leave tomorrow (Wednesday), I am praying that today will be a much better day ... because otherwise leaving will be very hard...
I am feeling quite dry spiritually, like being in a desert, I am hoping in the Lord for continued healing, but I am exhausted and I am missing the joy... I know it is there for me ... I read this just now:

O God, you are my God, 

   earnestly I seek you; 

my soul thirsts for you, 

   my body longs for you, 

in a dry and weary land 

   where there is no water.

  I have seen you in the sanctuary 

   and beheld your power and your glory. 

 Because your love is better than life, 

   my lips will glorify you. 

I will praise you as long as I live, 

   and in your name I will lift up my hands. 

 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; 

   with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

  On my bed I remember you; 

   I think of you through the watches of the night. 

 Because you are my help, 

   I sing in the shadow of your wings. 

 My soul clings to you; 

   your right hand upholds me.

Psalm 63

this is where I am.. He is upholding us... my mother is fighting Him.... when will she just give in ???

but He knows best... and that is true.. so there... an update... hope you like it ;)

on a VERY happy note... 9 days until I leave for NASHVILLE..... see how He is blessing me... amazing!!!

..hope in what?

pondering all that is on my mind and heart...my own issues, those of family and friends... some of the things seem unsurmountable... thinking about praying and hoping and trusting I thought I go and check out what this hope that we as children of God can have really is... so what is hope...


I found these verses and thought that the context is quite important as well... 


so here we go, Romans 5:3-5


More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.


and a little further down...
 Romans 8, 18-26:


I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.  The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed.  For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope  that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.  Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.  For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.


so hope in God, not in luck or chance, or destiny, or the stars... in God, will not put us to shame, or disappoint... because by His spirit in us... we are able to trust and wait patiently.... and even when our hope does not get fulfilled exactly the way we wanted it.. we continue to trust and believe that the One who saved us knows best and in the end all will work out for the good of those that love Him, that have been called according to His purpose...


so, my hope for a successful surgery and a full recovery for my mother, my hope for one day living without grief over my loss, my hope for a family dispute to be solved amicably and for dear friends to find healing and peace... is in God, in His perfect plans, in His Mighty Power and I will patiently wait and continue to lift those worries up to Him...tell Him about it in our closest moments... and I know, that He is never ever going to let me down... because if there is one thing I am sure of it is that I love Him for eternity....


May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

... Nurse Miriam and choices.....

.. a birthday spent with my mother... the last few hours I have been nurse Miriam, dealing with her preparation for her Colonoscopy tomorrow.. a privilege for sure...
getting up early to make the 2 hours trek down the mountains with her  2 hours up again after... will take her to the hospital Thursday afternoon for the surgery on Friday...
have been thinking what this day also used to be a bit more the last few hours.. difficult... just watched a documentary on German TV about abortion... hard for me, the intellectual, totally faith-less way of looking at things.... made me think about what happens in a world without God... where man/woman decides lead only by their own feelings... void of a deeper responsibility for their own choices, an accountability to God.. our own feelings become our guide... because we feel a certain way we have no trouble at all justifying those choices even if our conscience bothers us....
staying in a marriage that fails to make me happy????  I just want to be happy... really?????
a child, a baby... not convenient, or scary... without God no hope for support and help...  sad, so sad...
I know what I am talking about... I left a marriage many years ago for that reason, I had an abortion because I had no support, and it was just not a convenient time... I do understand it, I am guilty of doing the same thing...
I also know the consequences... I know the impact my choices have had... on me, my children... I wasn't aware of my responsibility and accountability... back then....
but I know it now... and my heart breaks for all those poor unsuspecting people that are so empty inside... no one tells them about that God has indeed given us His "rules" to protect us from the consequences... that He is there to help... the unhappy marriage..with His help and a willingness to humble oneself and repent and follow Him by both partners there is HOPE, there is happiness...
the baby... with His help and support we can do it... we can.....

living with the knowledge that my choices have caused others consequences, that my children are the ones that are walking around with them does one thing in me for sure... it makes me passionate to share with them and everyone who dares to talk to me about these issues ;) it is not worth it to disobey God... there is no real benefit in the end... happiness.... a very fleeting feeling... the blessing of obedience... eternal....
today... my prayer is that He will continue to use me .... that those wrong choices of mine are by His grace bringing about something good after all.... choices that honor God... I love you Lord...

... Birthday Celebration.....

..so different than my last visit here... such a blessing, something I would have taken for granted up until then, my mother sitting on the couch with me in Celerina... staying at our family’s place during my last visit was weird... because it was really only a place for us to sleep and change clothes... I think we had one ”real deal meal” there the whole 2 1/2 weeks I spent there.... no hanging around talking for hours like my mother loves to do... well, this time... all 3 of them standing there at the Celerina Bahnhof... picking me up... I had been wondering if my mother would come to pick me up or if it would be too much for her... but there they were... all three of them..... so very happy to see especially her, looking as well as on the pictures from Mother’s Day.....
“lounging around” on the couches for hours talking, my mother, my daughter and I... a gift from God....


today, my mother’s 71st Birthday.... born in 1940 during the war... her first 5 years, with a father absent because of war, a mother trying to bring up her baby with limited resources, my mother remembers distinctly having to go to the bomb shelter in the middle of the night... leaving her with a deep seated fear that manifested itself when she was expecting her 3rd child... she only had 2 hands... what if she had to flee somewhere, she could only hold on to two children at once... thanks be to God she never had to run from anything when we were little...


waiting to start the birthday celebrations with a beautiful breakfast and  the opening of gifts I am marveling at God’s plan for our lives... the fact that every little detail is His, from Him, that nothing escapes the sovereignty of our Father in heaven... from the day we are born into this world until we pass on to be either with Him or apart from Him for eternity He is intricately involved in our details.... allowing our choices bad or good only to lovingly teach us and refine us... never because He doesn’t care but because He cares.. changing us gently... the goal always to make us more like Him..


I do love the English language.. one of the reasons is this saying... when difficult things happen they can either make us bitter or better...He always has the better in mind... but we have the choice... we can become bitter and full of resentment and hatred, choosing not to forgive... or we become better, more like Him, learning to forgive quicker, trusting Him more and becoming more patient and peaceful... more like Him...


as Christians we can be sure that around the next corner the next challenge is awaiting us... it is our choice... will we willingly walk with our Saviour and be transformed into His likeness more and more or will we resist and fight against it.. to the detriment of those around us and our own... because... let’s be clear about this.. He will bring about the changes in us, it just depends how much pressure it will take... how many heartaches and conflicts.. in my mind it is a no brainer.... being obedient is the better choice.....

... train ride through the mountains...

....five and a half weeks have gone by since I have been on the SBB, the Swiss Railway... never thought that I, the one who hates the whole “flying to a different continent thing” just because it makes me ill.... my body can’t really take it... never thought I’d have been to Europe 3 times in the last 6 months... crazy....

first trip was in December... to Poland for the World Championship of Dance with my daughter... then, an emergency, my mother suddenly in the hospital... my mother ... she was not supposed to ever get sick... but there she was, needing her children around her.... and then this time... it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow and I promised her when she  finally woke up after 10 days in the ICU that I would come back for her birthday...

remembering as a little girl how much I loved to sneak into my Mami’s bed at night, when she was still up... sinking my face into her pillow... the smell of comfort security and love...

her skin so soft... her eyes so loving... taking such good care of me....

how could my feeling dizzy and nauseous for days keep me from bringing her joy on her birthday... a birthday that could so easily have been the first one we just would have been able to remember her... a horrible first... missing her instead of celebrating it with her...

now my mother’s birthday for many years also used to be my anniversary.... last year was the first year for this to be a day of grieving and heartache for me... a nice trip last year to Italy, Capri to be exact... celebrating my mother’s 70’s birthday... no compassion from her for me being saddened beyond belief...

this year... asking me a few times in the last few weeks if I was still sad and I admitted I was... so different from last year... thanking God for that......

so I am choosing tomorrow to focus my attention on the blessings at hand rather than on what I lost... what was torn from my heart.. I will be grateful for a mother who still smells so good and whose skin is so soft, and who, even though I wasn’t so sure if she loved me for a while, still looks at me with these eyes so full of love...

my heart is overflowing with love while at the same time the loss still hurts so much...

and through it all I am held... in a tight embrace, by the One who I love with all my heart and mind and soul, because He first loved me, when I was still an enemy of His... He died for me... so I might not have had much “luck” in love ... but I am assured of the love of the Eternal One, Emmanuel, God with us..  and as much as I am longing for a prince to come and sweep me off my feet... and to live happily ever after... I already have more than I ever need or deserved for that matter....

Praise be to the Lord..... I will be forever grateful.....

... great sermon sending me off...

.. just in between packing and getting everything ready for me to leave... a few thoughts...
great sermon, once again, so blessed to be part of an amazing church family, led by the most amazing Pastor and Elders...
there are no "bad " things happening to His people... sad things, painful things, "unfair" and sinful things happening, making us sad, hurting us beyond our worst imaginations, conflicts and trials... hard stuff, but not bad... because God promises to work EVERYTHING out for the BEST of those that love Him...

trusting Him for that and really believing it is the key to finding the peace that is ours in Christ Jesus...
believing that He really came to die for my sins... the price that He was willing to pay for me to be saved... being authentic and open and in community with my fellow believers... I don't have to carry my burden alone... and lastly... focusing on what it is all about... eternity with Him and following well while here... taking our eyes off ourselves and pressing on.... in His strength...
looking back over the last year and 5 months... all this has been proven to be true.....
as much as I sometimes cannot see what the good that God will bring out of this is... most of the time I can... and even if I couldn't, I definitely trust Him more for this today than ever before..
My church family has been my support... and still is... I know that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I needed for Him to die on a cross for my sins.. and He did... and... taking my eyes off myself since last summer definitely has helped in giving me strength to keep on going...
All for His glory... so, as everything is a bit hectic and I am leaving my kiddies and puppies alone AGAIN... I am trusting Him for them as well.... my youngest still sick, please pray that she will be getting better each day... even without her Mami being there....
getting on this plane tonite... thankful and full of hope, for God turning everything into something good for those that love Him, that have been called according to His purpose....
# SOLI DEO GLORIA

... pondering life....

.. so we didn't get the BBQ today after all... but we still had the burgers and the full spread.. my girls are making Birthday cards for my Mami... it's raining and my Jesus is loving us... God willing when I come back I will have a screen door and a new thermostat that I can actually set to the temperature I want... now that would be a treat...  ;)
my little puppy as always, attached to me...sitting on my couch pondering life...
when He came and rescued me from the pit of hopelessness and self destruction, senseless and meaningless striving... futile and frustrating struggling.... He saved me because He loved me... but that was not the only reason... not at all.... He saved me to make Himself known to the world, the world He created that is dismissing Him, belittling Him and disobeying Him... He laid out the path of my life, being the All Knowing God that He is... to need Him, to cling to Him, to love Him with that passion He created in me, to have my heart broken just for Him to catch me... to be heart broken by what breaks His heart.. to love like He loves, to be compassionate like He has compassion on His people, to seek Him... to share Him and to depend on Him for everything....
 to thank Him for everything, to ascribe worth to Him in the presence of those who deny Him, and don't know Him.... SOLI DEO GLORIA....
it's all from Him... without Him I am not able to love, to bless, encourage or comfort...through Him I can be like Him, by His grace He transforms me, trial by trial... more and more into His likeness and that... that is worth all the tears... to know Him is what it is all about... to draw near to Him and find the acceptance and the love, the value, the significance... to be able to accept HIs will and thank Him for it... not to worry about tomorrow... but to leave it in His capable hands... a decision each time, not always easy but the right decision nonetheless..
they are still working away my girlies... love them so much... missing the one who isn't here but so thankful she is blessing my mother right now... reunited with her on Monday...
God is good, he is merciful and just, He is the Lover of my Soul... I am known by Him... how precious..
He has prepared good works for me to do and... best of all, He has prepared a room for me in His mansion.... that beats all...... do you know Him?????

...what if Your healing comes through tears.....

... plans are shaping up... plane ticket printed, train schedule checked... plans made for the birthday dinner with my mom, on wednesday taking her down the mountains for her Colonoscopy and up again afterwards... praying the vertigo meds will work and driving myself will help as well... if all is okay surgery on Friday...  my head is spinning... actually my whole world was literally spinning earlier... heart racing and sweating... no idea why..... better now... phew..
wow... busy and crazy and so wonderful at the same time.... will see my mother on Monday afternoon... thankful to have her... loving her so much...
meetings all last week for the Center.. all of this is coming together as well... first volunteer meeting last Thursday... encouraged by the love and compassion that was felt in the room..
God is going to use us, what an amazing privilege...  blessings all around... looking quite different than imagined at times... but so much more precious and dear.. His loving hand never letting go, gently leading me along the path he knows will be best... for each of us...

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights 

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights 

Are what it takes to know You’re near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights 

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

such truth, such blessing.... this world, all our dreams and hopes and longings it can never satisfy... trusting Him completely to lead me... wondering how many sleepless nights and tears it will take......

Laura Story : Blessings

.."inviting" His sovereignty...

..I do love following these wonderful Christians and Christian organizations on Twitter.... many humble and wise people tweeting a scripture or a challenge.. I have found that very often something speaks to me and makes me think, and pray, and check stuff out in my bible..
this morning... after waves  of discouragement lately... I read a blog from one of the Nashville pastors I like a lot... ;) pastor of Cross Point Church in Nashville... Pete Wilson..
challenged by him to think about and realize what my "State of Deception" is... accepting the fact we all are in a certain state of deception at all times ... he quotes Proverbs 14:12 There is a way that seems right to a man,  but in the end it leads to death.
Jeremiah 17:9 explains it even better: The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
wow... scary.... so what is the "State of Deception" I am in?
I am guessing it is "feeling devalued and abandoned"... have stayed there for too long... time to move on, not just accepting God's sovereignty but inviting it, applauding it and celebrating it... truth is, that the plans He has are to prosper and not to harm, to give a FUTURE and a HOPE... it is true... it is something very good... I am special... He refines me... He uses me... He loves me... He blesses me beyond anything I could have ever asked for...
I am deciding to step out of this state of deception and let go of the "self pity" because what others might have intended for evil He only allowed because He has something so much better for me...
 so...what state of deception are you in?????

... Mother's Day....

...Mother's Day 2011.... the 47th Mother's Day I have experienced... and I admit... can't remember the first 3 or 4... I do remember picking flowers for my mother, Lily of the Valley and "Himmel schluesselchen" ( "Keys to Heaven"... one of my most favorite wild flowers... they don't grow here unfortunately)  making crafts for her and bringing my gifts plus some breakfast to her bed...
then, the last 22 years I have been a mother myself... beautiful paintings and cakes and flowers... hand made cards and beautiful words... have spent Mother's Day at Dance Competitions a few times already... today was another one of those...
last year, my mother hadn't quite dropped the bomb on me that she thought it served me well to have my husband lie and cheat on me and leave me... that happened a few weeks later... but I had found out that she too had betrayed me by, 6 weeks after he walked out on me, taking him and his "girlfriend" out for dinner...
this year... one of my beautiful daughters spending mother's day with my mother... posting pictures on facebook... arranging for a wonderful Mother's Day for her...
this year... talking to my mother I could hardly keep it together... because... I almost lost her 6 weeks ago... never before have I been that thankful for still having my mother around...
I don't think I have ever loved her more than I do today... the last 47 years of my relationship with my mother have not been without disappointment and sadness... I have let her down, and she has hurt me...
but we have forgiven each other and today there is only the love between a mother and a daughter...
today I missed my mother a lot... today I would have loved to spend the day with her...
sending a card over for her  was all I could do.... calling her and telling her how much I love her....
teary eyed even now thinking of her...  she looks good... what a miracle she is still alive and doing so well... spending these days in the ICU watching her vitals 24/7... praying for that exact miracle... tends to make one a bit emotional...
thankful for my daughters and my mother on this day... deeply touched by how blessed I am to be the mother of these three...  praising God for His mercy and love for all of us... the deep emotional bond we have... a bond that can never be broken... unlike other's we believe are there forever only to find out they weren't after all....  my heart is filled with joy and gratitude.... looking forward to seeing my mother real soon, celebrating her birthday with her... I am going to make every day I have with her count... count not only for the here and now but by His grace for eternity...

... ruined for this world..... a good thing...

... went through a little time of wanting to take my destiny into my own hands, helping God along a bit, you know... we all do it...  knowing full well that He does NOT need my help..... okay okay....
so... encounters with the "world"...... safely keeping enough distance ... but still... had to find out again... He does know best... who would have thought.... hahahaha...

reminded again, my citizenship is in heaven... I am not of this world... I am in the world, but I am a foreigner... when the Lord of Heaven and Earth claimed me as His own almost 17 years ago He basically "ruined" me for this world...

living mostly in this "Christian Community Bubble", where we all have the same kind of core values and beliefs.. I am shocked how different the values of the world really are... and how "weird" I have become in the world's eyes... the funny part is that only 2, 3 generations ago I would have fit in very easily....

 so am I some dusty, forgotten, old fashioned lady that is stuck in the past? hung up on things that have been "improved"...  someone silly and narrow minded?

this is one way of looking at it, but on the other hand...  God gave us morals and values and a guide to living thousands of years ago.... people have been following these laws and guidelines all throughout the ages... there have always been others that ridiculed them, even persecuted and killed them for it...
could it be that I should be thankful I don't fit in? taking every opportunity to reflect who God is to people and not be troubled that I am just not a citizen of this world but of heaven?

Philippians 3 :18-21
For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ.  Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things.  But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,  who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

for sure... in my case today I was protected again by my loving Father in Heaven...  faithfully answering my prayers of closing doors I shouldn't go through...

reality is, He doesn't need my help. I need more patience... I should not and can not compromise... I am His and that is the end of it. once again He rescued me from myself... I asked Him to and He did...

...the way of the wicked will perish... you wanna reconsider????

living in this cyber age... cool.. but then again.. so not cool at all... so great that I know what's happening with friends all over the place... can pray for them or contact them to see if they need help... nice to see pictures of joyous events, hear about news the moment it happens.. but then again... sometimes we see a lot more than is good for us...
children finding themselves in a place of harassment, bullying is rampant..because it is hidden ... things can go on in the privacy of one's phone.... pictures taken and broad casted instantaneously.... Saddam Hussein's beheading.. other things that should not be seen because they are immoral.. and then... evidence of things well known... but do we need to SEE it too????
being able to check in with loved ones... making sure they are fine... so wonderful... seeing a picture of something hurtful... just evil...
living in a world where Romans 1 is happening in VERY close proximity.... "Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done.  They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips,  slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents;  they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless.  Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."

at times the darkness is just a bit too much, because it is so near... allowed to come so near by those that can know better and therefore have no excuse....
there is going to be judgement... God will not be mocked...

this is truth:

Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.
But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.
Not so the wicked!
They are like chaff
that the wind blows away.
Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.
For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.

cyber age, science, technology and all the knowledge the world is so proud of... all material things and the so called "Good Life"... it all is not going to do anything for those that did not find it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God.... consequences will be dire... repent.. for the day is near... God cannot be mocked... and this IS the truth!!!

... A Royal Wedding....

..what a beautiful wedding.... a foretaste of heaven... a glimpse... a ray of hope.... 230 plus years of marriage between the 4 sets of grandparents... a strong Christian heritage...
a bride and a groom , devoted to each other, but most of all devoted to Christ and committed to following Him, living out the mystery of marriage, a picture of the relationship between Christ and His bride, the church...
never ever have I been allowed to witness something so wonderful and pure, such joy and happiness and emotions, openly shared by the parents, the siblings and the couple themselves...
beauty inside and out... filling everyone"s heart with hope and joy!

the other part of this for us, me,  "a wife deserted and distressed in spirit— a wife who married young,
only to be rejected" still reeling from the pain that resulted from those exact promises being broken by the one who pledged to be there for better and for worse...
my children...one of them breaking down, clinging to me sobbing, when the Father of the Bride  and the Bride danced the Father-Daughter dance ... this was the song they were dancing to:

She spins and she sways to whatever song plays

Without a care in the world

And I'm sitting here wearing

The weight of the world on my shoulders

It's been a long day and there's still work to do

She's pulling at me saying, "Dad, I need you

There's a ball at the castle and I've been invited

And I need to practice my dancing, oh please, daddy, please"

So I will dance with Cinderella while she is here in my arms

'Cause I know something the prince never knew

Oh, I will dance with Cinderella, I don't want to miss even one song

'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight and she'll be gone

She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed

She wants to know if I approve of the dress

She says, "Dad the prom is just one week away

And I need to practice my dancing, oh please, daddy, please"

So I will dance with Cinderella while she is here in my arms

'Cause I know something the prince never knew

Oh, I will dance with Cinderella, I don't want to miss even one song

'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight and she'll be gone

She will be gone

But she came home today with a ring on her hand

Just glowing and telling us all they had planned

She says, "Dad, the wedding's still six months away

And I need to practice my dancing, oh please, daddy, please"

So I will dance with Cinderella while she is here in my arms

'Cause I know something the prince never knew

Oh, I will dance with Cinderella, I don't want to miss even one song

'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight and she'll be gone

..in this moment, my little Cinderella allowed herself for the first time to feel the sadness and pain... to see and hear and feel the love between this father and his daughter... it was too much for all of us....

sadness, that when these precious daughters of mine will get married, the brokenness will be obvious to everyone... there will not be a godly Grandfather sharing advice and wisdom he has received from God, there will be Step- and Ex-es all over the place... there will be awkwardness and doubt... trusting in the promises will be so hard for them....

yesterday we were allowed to witness a Wedding more beautiful than even the Royal Wedding...  I knew that it would be emotional for me and for my girls... I didn't expect the break down but I am thanking God for it, she has held all this bottled up far too long... my poor, little princess clinging to me for dear life and shaking from the aftermath of the sinful choices made without any regard for her well being... it broke my heart nevertheless...

my prayer is that the chains will be broken by this generation,  the fact that my two older girls ended up discussing how important it is to be married to a strong Christian gives me hope, hope that maybe in a couple of generations there will be a young couple that can look back to such a godly heritage...  that those witnessing it would feel the blessing of God like all who were there yesterday ...

the Son was shining His light on this day and on the young couple... and it was beautiful... Praise be to Him from whom all blessings flow...