"it's not supposed to be this way....."

a well known Christian author just recently released a book with this title, or at least something similar...

wasn't quite sure what she was talking about but just saw a picture of her and her husband renewing their wedding vows...so, I now know that her " not supposed to be this way" had to do with her marriage falling apart..

see, when I went through my marriage breaking up and the following years, I often called the hard stuff the "not-supposed-to-be-that-way" moments"

those, I knew it very soon into the whole ordeal were not just limited to the moment of impact. the moment I received the email that my husband was not going to come back. that he had decided to leave us forever, a week before Christmas.
they weren't going to be limited to me lying on the floor screaming ( I did compare it to a deer that had been hit ) and the agony it was to tell the kids... the Christmas I am not sure how we survived and the long hard weeks following the casual dismissal of a lifelong covenant...

no, they are not limited to any of this, in fact, they are still going on.
two weddings of my daughters made that very clear indeed.

it's just not supposed to be that way.

it's a true statement.

This is what Jesus said in Mark 10:2-10

And Pharisees came up and in order to test him asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”  He answered them, “What did Moses command you?”  They said, “Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of divorce and to send her away.”  And Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment.  But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’  ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

so, no, it's not supposed to be that way.

neither is it supposed to be that way that we hate a brother in our heart.
or that we impatiently make a hurtful remark
or think of ourselves above others...

the first "not-supposed-to-be-like-that-way" moment happened in the garden.
when Eve took the fruit.
when Adam didn't stop her but instead went along.
the rest, as they say is history.....

the good news is, that at the fullness of time God did indeed send the solution that He had planned before the beginning of time to earth.
the beloved Son, the Darling of Heaven, in the form of a baby, entered this world..
He came to lay down His life, the spotless lamb, wrapped in swaddling cloths as to not get any blemish on Him, sinless, and therefore able to atone for our sins once and for all, He was crushed for our sake.
He rose again and defeated death, so everyone who believes in Him can be free ..
free to have a relationship with God,
free to sin no more
free from fear
free from Satan's condemnation.....


I saw that this famous author's marriage was restored, new vows were whispered, promises made.
I am rejoicing with her and her family. God is indeed good.

for me, not that outcome.
no restoration of the marriage.
no miracle.

and yet, He did restore the years the locusts have eaten, He did use for good what was intended for evil, He got the glory and I got the good...

because one of the main lessons I learned was this:
my hope is in Him.
not in my miraculously restored circumstance.
not even in my children not being hurt and affected by this sin, over and over again.

no.
in Him.

in the meantime He has even restored some of the circumstances in wonderful ways.
scars, for sure, moments, for sure, but He, who is my hope,
He is always there.
He never disappoints
He never leaves or forsakes.

so.
how "not-supposed-to-be-that-way" are the "not-supposed-to-be-that-way"moments and trials and various griefs???

is He not sovereign over all of them?
have they not been orchestrated informed by His purposeful goodness???

I think so.

so I rejoice, even though I might be enduring trials of many kinds, since my momentary and light afflictions are achieving for me an eternal glory that FAR outweighs them all.

God is most glorified in us,
when we are most satisfied in Him

SOLI DEO GLORIA

a new creation. the old has passed away

a month or so ago my Highschool Graduating class had their 35 Year Reunion ( oh my goodness , I am OLD )
anyways, since this obviously is happening in Germany, I, once again, decided not to go :)

yesterday pictures were posted in a Dropbox so everyone could see them.

at first I didn't even recognize most of the "middle aged German people" ;)
it made me think.



I never felt I belonged or fit in, and don't get me wrong, I was well enough liked and ok ( at least that's what I remember )
yet I have not had any meaningful, if any at all, interaction with any of them, since the year we graduated and no desire whatsoever to make the trip to reconnect

nothing to do with the nice people over there... but most likely everything with me

sitting in church with a dear friend Sunday afternoon, taking part in the Celebration of Life of a sweet lady from my church, hearing all the wonderful things that were shared...
a life lived well representing Christ to her family, friends and Church family I once again marveled at how good God has been to me and how deeply in love I am with Him..

I have always been the black sheep, the odd one out in my family... I did feel that somehow I did not fit in with my surroundings..

when God through Jesus opened my eyes to who He is and who I am in Him and what His plan and purpose for my life really is, all this changed.

the sanctuary was filled with people whose lives had been touched by this wonderful woman of God and it made me think that between my new home of 3 1/2 half years in Michigan and my family of Christ in Canada I have also been blessed to have been woven into this colourful and special fabric of the family God has given me...

sharing what is the most important thing in our lives, our relationship with Christ makes for a deep connection like no other,  and this is a wonderful truth

outward differences like nationality, upbringing, economical status, age, race or anything like that is just not that important at all..

I am amazed over and over again how God so expertly connects us, how we support and encourage  and get supported and encouraged..

stirring one another up to a life of godliness is one magnificent purpose to have been given.
equipped with specific spiritual gifts He places us strategically where we can bless the most.

from walking alongside a hurting sister helping her work through a crisis to babysitting some little children, so the parents can go Christmas shopping... coming together as a group to celebrate a life lived well for Jesus and organizing women's events, taking flowers to a sick neighbour and spending hours praying for all those the Lord has put into one's life...

then, together we can reach out to those who are struggling in the world and with the compassion of Christ we can offer to them the hope that we have....
I must say I feel rich, richer than I ever thought I could be.

reflecting on yesterday's ceremony again I am hoping that when I have passed on to be in the presence of my Lord forever mine will also be a celebration of who He has been in and through me and He alone will get the glory!

As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious,  you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 2: 4-5

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works

Hebrews 10:24

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.  All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation;  that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation.  Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.

2 Corinthians 5: 17-20

presenting the cross through my suffering?????

it's been a few of these days... precisely 6 days of this actually...
hurt being inflicted, neglect, rejection and all those things that trigger those connections in the brain made in early, early childhood..

the soul, healed from the pain from way back when, taught how to deal with it better by God's Word, finds peace much easier, and that is good.
the body might still want to go into the panic mode and exhibit the same kind of stress related symptoms.... but hopefully even those will subside over time... sometimes I am telling my body to catch up... I am at peace about this... no headaches or gastritis flair ups necessary, thank you very much !!!!!

being able to take the silent treatment rejection, understanding that it's not me who is being rejected, but really what God is wanting to do, I can accept the pain resulting from it as suffering that God allows to accomplish His will,
and...... God has been lavishing some more insight and wisdom on me in regards to that...

( that's cool!!!!! )

so, reading in Ephesians 3: 1-13 this week I saw that I, too, am a steward of God's grace.. yup, like Paul, we all have been given God's grace and now have to be faithful stewards of what has been given to us and give it to others... not new, but just understood on a deeper level maybe?

I can share, be a steward of God's grace,
by forgiving someone's sin,
by being loving, kind, patient,
by being forbearing

also, like in the context of this passage,
I am to speak God's truth to others..
as in share the Good News,
but more than that, speak truth in love...

ha... so, by "just" being willing to forgive, I might allow a loved one to stay in their sin,
maybe being a minister  / steward of grace means that I can't just let my love cover over a sin any longer..
when does forbearing become forgiving without repentance from the perpetrator????
when does it become enabling and actually is hindering God from doing what He wants to do?????

so... I have been waiting,
I have been accepting the icy rejection.
I have tried to not take it personally ( this used to make me scream "IT IS PERSONAL" - God has done a lot of work in me, thank you Jesus )
I have communicated my love and my willingness to work on things
and I am waiting.

the punches that are thrown at my heart still inflict pain..
no need to pretend otherwise
because,
there is another new tidbit of truth given to me this morning  ( SO AMAZING )

Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking in Christ’s afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the church. 

(Colossians 1:24)

"God intends for the afflictions of Christ to be presented to the world through the afflictions of his people. ( Get your head around that.)

God really means for the body of Christ, the church, to experience some of the suffering he experienced so that when we proclaim the cross as the way to life, people will see the marks of the cross in us and feel the love of the cross from us. " John Piper

there.
I am:
a receiver of His grace
a steward of His grace
a picture of His grace
in my sufferings I am an example of what He has done for me on the cross - He suffered for my sins
in my sufferings I am an example of how He deals with me - with grace, forgiving and loving.

I don't deserve it
the people that hurt me don't deserve it...

but that's the path that God has laid out for me.

so I am waiting

in His time He makes all things beautiful,
trust Him xo

... cut the ties???

it's a weird feeling.
it's two things going on at the same time on a very deep emotional level

feeling exposed, raw, small, broken, abused, neglected, disposed, tossed around and trampled on, disrespected and disregarded..
and ...glowing joy... overflowing, unstoppable, overwhelming
that joy that comes from thankfulness and gratitude for the God who loves me and is so good to me,
from knowing that I do not deserve that God, the mighty and magnificent Creator of the Earth who reigns over EVERYTHING
who spoke galaxies into being and whose will cannot be thwarted, to stoop down to me, pick me up and hold me close...
that God choosing to become flesh taking on the form of a servant, considering the joy of making a way for me to be reconciled to Him worth being put to shame and nailed to a cross...
raising from the dead, displaying His might, defeating death and Satan...
it has my mind twirling around..

all along working my life out for his glory..
from the little 4 year old that loved the little memory verses and the Bible stories to the young girl that was hurt again and again by one she should have been able to trust.
a childhood where violence and angry outbursts ruled and somehow were twisted into a reality ...
the aggression, the demeaning put downs and painful words..... the fear and the anxiety, the insecurity and the belief that this was somehow normal and deserved...

hanging around the people that have shared and still might be bound by and connected to this reality much more than I am, is never ever good for me. I know it.
and now over the last months through the exposure to the "toxic" people remembering more and more of these incidents, I am sure by God's perfect design and purpose... He is doing something in me...

and as much as I do not agree with the whole " we need to cut ties of the toxic relationships" motto, I know that if this amazing Saviour hadn't entered my life 24 years ago I would for sure have to do just this..

some newer experiences have highlighted again just how detrimental the time spent with this original family is for me,
and, just how amazing God is ... surrounding me with a family put together by Him... my sisters and brothers in Christ...
who step in and bless so naturally, as if it was the most normal thing in the world..

this wedding a few days ago was one of those moments of clarity again... showers of blessings from God and His people making it the most amazingly magical event ... far outweighing the disappointments, frustrations and hurts inflicted by those that just shouldn't do that...

listened to an amazing sermon by John Piper on my way to Canada to take care of some of my family members right after the wedding...
this is what I heard...

everything that comes my way is GRACE... every hurt and pain and suffering is not wasted here on earth... somehow the small child that was beaten and screamed at was always safe and secure in her Father's arms... all along He had a plan, He was already working on refining and shaping, He was working on getting me to the place where He would personally lift me out of all this by revealing Himself to me... by binding up my broken heart, tenderly collecting all the pieces and putting them back together, holding me, comforting me and in it all He has been in the business of making me more like Him, through all the heartache and loneliness and fear and pain...

I thank Him that He allowed me to be desperate when I met Him
I thank Him that I already knew that I too was very capable of sinning
I thank Him that I had no more hope, my world was that bad and I was that weak that I had no way of being hopeful in anything anymore..

and then He showed up... and He is my hope
and I will never ever be casual about Him
or His people, His cause, His will...

I know that I have no good thing apart from Him.
I know that He is the One who upholds me with His righteous right hand
I know that it is only His power that gives me strength and makes me able to do good things

I know that it's not about me, it is all about Him

do I have to cut the ties?
He has already removed me quite a bit.
so, no, I don't need to apply some kind of self defense,
He is my defender, He lifts me up high upon a rock....and keeps me safe.

He is the author and perfecter not only of my faith but of every little detail of my life...
all leading up to what others meant for evil to be turned into good for me, who loves Him with all my heart, soul and mind and strength...

To Him Be The Glory Forever and Ever...

Escape?????

it's just too much sometimes 
and if there was a way to escape having to deal with issues 
I would SO go for that.

I know that there is no way, 

and that we have to face even worse things 

if we hide and blame shift and just go with our feelings 

instead of doing what is right.

I have seen it fail, all those things I could come up with myself..

fail in too many ways to count.

I have watched people around me.

my own parents,

other family members 

friends...

it never works

some try and escape by focusing on things,

nice things, things you can buy, or make or eat

or on other people, 

new people, people without issues ( for now) ..

-that can potentially turn out really bad-

some try and find some more fun things to do

add some hobbies

travel

be active - no time for reflection.. no

others go for the achievements

more titles

more money

more significance..

or pleasures...

alcohol

drugs

sex

in the end.. no one can escape 

staying in this place of 

"I JUST DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE"

is not a good thing

stubbornness keeps me there.

sometimes fear 

or some kind of hopelessness

sometimes even for a couple of days.

when it hurts too much to face it all

that's when I turn away and pretend I don't know.

all I can do is pray then.

just crying out for help

no eloquent prayers..

no battle plans.

just a cry for mercy

so thankful for the Psalms

it's the perfect place for me to go when I feel this way...

Incline your ear, O Lord, and answer me,

    for I am poor and needy.

 Preserve my life, for I am godly;

    save your servant, who trusts in you—you are my God.

 Be gracious to me, O Lord,

    for to you do I cry all the day.

 Gladden the soul of your servant,

    for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.

 For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving,

    abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.

 Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer;

    listen to my plea for grace.

 In the day of my trouble I call upon you,

    for you answer me.

time does not heal wounds

time does not make things better

new people don't make things better

a vacation or decorating the house doesn't make things better

me taking my eyes of the issues and the hurt and the mountain and fixing them on Him

that's what makes things better.

in His time

in His way

crying out and moving into Him

leaning into Him

opening my fists and letting Him pick me up

that's what makes things better

abiding in Him

staying in His presence

helps me to trust

again

because 

let's face it

there is no other way

letting His presence wash over me and fill me

surrendering my hurt and my anger

my entitlement

my rebelliousness

that's what makes it better 

not necessarily the issues

not necessarily my circumstances yet

I am better 

when I am with Him

better than when I turn away

fists clenched

just tired and so done..

can't escape it by myself

I just can't..

and...

I don't have to

SO THANKFUL FOR THAT

God is at work. He does not slumber. 

Christ intercedes. He does not fail. 

The Spirit comforts. He does not forsake. 

Be at rest. Be at peace. 

Your name at the end of the day is Beloved.❤️

.. suffering according to God's will?????

I was having a test done on a few weeks ago at the hospital and because of that had a phone conversation with a nurse asking me many health related questions.. out of nowhere came this one:

Have you ever been abused, physically, verbally, emotionally or sexually.....
it took me aback for a moment... did not expect a question like this to come up when having a colonoscopy done..

and then I answered yes .....just being honest.
when I hung up I was once again saddened that yes is the honest answer.






for 12 days before that phone conversation I had been taking care of my father, who, having struggled with Parkinson's for the last 10 years or so needs help and can't live alone anymore.
my sister takes care of him usually and I am forever grateful for her willingness to be the full time care taker  for now.
hanging around and helping my father for many days, it was not surprising to me that his anger would erupt at some point in time.
feeble as he is, he no longer is a real threat, but the tone of his voice, the words he used and the blow I received, no matter it being weakened by what happens to your motor skills when you have this disease, nevertheless took me right back...

believing and "preaching" to everyone, those that want to hear it and those who do not want to hear it alike ;) that God is sovereign, I have come to terms with my past and have taken the prescribed steps to healing.

I have forgiven and I love. I forgive and I love. I pray. and I love. I ask for guidance and wisdom. and I love

I have to admit I have struggled when it happened. I was angry. I saw this man and what his behaviour has done to me. and how it has affected the people around me. and how it still continues to affect us all. I see where my need to protect my children from any anger that comes their way comes from. how my mother felt she needed to protect us. how the sin done by him led to more sin. how without knowing the Lord we came up with our own defense mechanisms, we didn't think we could trust any man...
when I finally met Jesus 24 years ago I understood and was able to surrender these things. it needed to be done not only once, but many times.
I trust God and I know He is trustworthy.
I am thankful that He just slowly chips away all that this hurt has distorted in me.

it's a process and it takes time.
it frustrates me that I am still struggling with this. not as much, but I still do.
new scenarios affected by it are just another way of refining me and all involved, making us continually look to Him who alone is worthy of our praise... when I trust Him I can come out from behind my walls, walls that were erected because life just was too scary and too painful...
so we keep on believing and entrusting... slowly looking up and opening the arms, arms that had to be so tightly wrapped around us... allowing the pain and the fear to be taken away...

He is a good, good Father.

Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator, while doing good.

1 Peter 4:19

... should I... or should I not....

about 8 years ago or so, in the midst of me trying to find my way through the toughest part of my journey so far, I started blogging...

some days I just couldn't help it and wrote not only one post a day, but sometimes up to three.. it helped me process and bring order into my chaos..
God was faithful and used my writing not only to bless me, but many others ( or so they said anyways)



then, over the last few years, my passion to write somehow slowed down a bit, to be honest I felt I was repeating myself...
God was narrowing it down for me... He has been pointing me to two things, again and again and again...

His Sovereignty and our JOY....

for many years I didn't read anything but my Bible... not wanting to hear what God was saying to others as much as I wanted to hear and study and find out what He was saying to me... through His Word and His Spirit in me...

in the last few years I have been reading more books again .... not by too many different authors, but by one particular one... John Piper to be exact...

... I have started to write down things, little notes on my phone with things the Lord continues to show me, so that in my aging mind I wouldn't forget when I would feel the need to write it down sometime..

in the very last little while I have been thinking and praying and wondering, do I have something to say?
is there value in what I am learning and understanding - not just for me, because let me tell you, there is HUGE value in it for me -
is there value for others in what God continues to show me?

I am sharing this as I am living life where the Lord has planted me, and God has been bringing and continues to bring people into my life, as friends, counselees and ladies in my Bible study groups..they all tell me that what I share blesses them..

now lately though, as I am thinking and praying and wondering, a thought has been coming back to me... is what I have to say worth putting together for something bigger than just a blog post, is this something God wants me to do???

So, the point of today's post is simply this : tell me what you are thinking...

if you are a friend who has been on this journey all along I want to hear from you.
if you are someone who just happens to read this post, maybe go back and read a few older post... there are thousands of them on here ;) I want to hear from you...
I am not in this for fame, far from it... I am also far to much of a realist to even consider that would happen... but is there value in me even entertaining the thought...
I am asking God,   and as I am asking I am writing this... pretty sure He wants me to get some feed back from you....

so let me tell you one thing :

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has a plan... it is a very well thought through and detailed plan, in His purposeful sovereignty and loving goodness, His has all of it planned out... so if this is part of His plan it will happen.... and if not, I am more than happy to put the thought to rest..
the freedom that comes from having seen Him orchestrating every little moment, the good ones and the bad ones, is phenomenal... it's a joy to submit to it...

it really is!

God bless you all!!!!!

.. let the Word make your heart sing....

so this is my newest fav song... I like the lyrics... but most of all I like what John Piper says....

take a moment to listen to it.....

I love John Piper, he is a 72 year old pastor, professor and author who I think is very accurately and passionately sharing and teaching from scripture..

I think it would be right to say that he loves the Word...

so do I.

I think it would be accurate to say that he loves Jesus...

so do I

I think it is fair to say that he has gone through some suffering in his life...

so have I.

in this little blurb John Piper speaks about suffering... and the weight of glory it achieves for us, how purposeful God in His goodness is when He allows it in our lives...

but most of all these few last lines are what have really ignited my heart:

" take the truths ( from these verses - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18  / or any other scripture that applies to your life situation )  and focus on them day by day.

preach them to yourself every morning.

get alone with God and preach His Word into your mind ( let it sink in deeply, anchor itself in your mind, heart and soul ) until it makes your heart sing with confidence 

that you are NEW and CARED FOR. "

and LOVED. and PROTECTED.

that nothing is MEANINGLESS

that there is a PURPOSE

that He NEVER LEAVES

that He is the one that gives it all MEANING

and JOY

.....

I could go on and on and on.

so, when there is conflict, hurt, loss and grief, when there are things that annoy, aggravate, or scare me...

I choose to get out my Bible and do just that.

this is why 2 years ago I reinvested myself into memorizing scripture, verses, passages that are meaningful to me... 

that's what I do, when I cannot sleep, when I cannot stop thinking about what's going on...

I recite those verses that speak right into what I am experiencing to myself... there is no shortage of scriptures for anything you could encounter at any time...

I pray them back to Him who gave them to me in the first place....

what a delight it is.

how He meets me in my moments of need and gives me the strength to go on, on the path of obedience... all by His strength, never mine...

God is so very good.

though He slay me, yet I will praise Him

in Your presence there is fullness of JOY

at your right hand there are pleasures forevermore.

eternal glory achieved....

So we do not lose heart. 

Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.  

For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison,  

as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. 

For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Because God in His loving Sovereignty,

to reconcile those He chose before the beginning of time to Himself,

gave His one and only Son

I do NOT ever have to lose heart.

no pain is meaningless

nothing happens to me that is not according to His perfect plan.

any Exile that I am in,

any broken relationship,

any "unfair" situation,

any sickness

any hardship..

ALL OF IT..

is not meaningless.

it is temporary

it is light 

compared to the most peculiar glory it achieves...

in the trial, 

I am called to be obedient to Him.

to forgive the one that hurts

to pray for my enemy

to trust Him, the Lord of my salvation

to as far as it is up to me

 pursue peace

to love

to reach out in kindness and patience and forbearance

to submit to God

and those He put in authority over me

never forgetting that it is about Him

and His Glory

God does not need me to manipulate or try to control

He is more than capable to orchestrate His will

He alone is God

He alone is worthy

in His time 

He will make all things 

BEAUTIFUL 

fixing my eyes on HIM

on things eternal

and in the temporary

by His grace

and His strength 

represent HIM well

thank you Lord for the trials of many kinds... through them the ones that don't know you yet can see you clearly in me.

thank you for my brokenness... through the holes in this vessel others can see your light shine out...

take my life Lord and let it be, consecrated Lord to you....

SOLI DEO GLORIA

..heart-breaking humility and toe tapping happiness...

I am so overwhelmed.

I don't even know where to start.

so all I can do is tell Him that.

I am overwhelmed by who He is.

the more I know Him, 

the more I study His Word,

the more I enter into this intimate relationship,

the more I lean into His heart and listen to His heartbeat...

the more He shows me that He can be trusted.

the more He walks with me through the yucky stuff

the heart-wrenching, heart-breaking stuff

the more He reveals to me what it is all about 

the more overwhelmed I am by His love.....

“Do not be afraid; you have done all this evil. Yet do not turn aside from following the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart. And do not turn aside after empty things that cannot profit or deliver, for they are empty. For the Lord will not forsake his people, for his great name’s sake, because it has pleased the Lord to make you a people for himself.” (1 Samuel 12:20–22)

really???

do not be afraid... you have done all this evil.... uh... what?

do not be afraid, you have done all this evil???

yes. fear not. you have done evil. there are consequences.

but there is mercy. there is grace and therefore there is hope.

if you have maneuvered yourself into a tunnel, a corner, a cave,

if life in this broken world has left you feeling shattered and forsaken,

there is hope.

pain and hope do not cancel each other out...

this is what walking with Him is all about..

there is pain, some pain will never go away

but there is always hope with Him, who gave His life for us so we could be redeemed, 

bought back, 

put back into the fold, back into reconciled fellowship with the One who made us..

and why???

He will not forsake His people, for HIS NAME'S SAKE...

this fills me with joy

with gladness 

it's assurance

for His name's sake

that's not going to change

for His glory.

His love

His son

given for me

no fear

JOY that can't be taken away

and HOPE

tomorrow it will be 2 years since my mother even though kind of expected,  so suddenly passed away.

my heart is shattered still because it is just so very wrong.

it's a pain in my heart that will never go away.

but I can walk in this pain, I can love in this pain, I can bless others in this pain,

because of Him I can take my eyes of myself and look beyond my circumstances and ask Him to help me to bring glory to Him by being who He is in the process of making me into..

a representative of His in this world..

when sadness overwhelms I lift my eyes to Him and instead pray for those He has given me to love, send a text or make a phone call, bring some flowers or just stop in for a quick visit..

through Him I can do all this... comfort with the comfort I have received and love with the love He fills my heart to overflowing every single time I hang around in His presence...

He overwhelms me.

He really does.

making much of JESUS

It's the night before Good Friday

Good because 

Jesus, God the Son

obediently

gave His Life

as a payment for my sins

God killed Him

sin needed to be dealt with

sacrifice needed to be made

God the Son,

the lamb without blemish

the ultimate and the only sufficient one.

heart wrenching

every year

so very, very important to remember

came back from Israel two weeks ago, reality driven deeper into my soul

 experienced more intimately

thankful that through what He did, I, a Gentile

 was now able to be added to the family

thanks to 

my brother,

Jesus

full of passion for Him, my heart overflowing with a love like no other for Him,

teaching on the Early Church this week

I challenged the ladies that we too need to live like they did

doing life together, 

authentically

serving, loving, encouraging, supporting, learning, 

drawing closer and closer to Him

together

standing up and speaking truth

sharing who He is with all those around us,

 in deed and word,

and love

a friend shared this:

Gospel Truth + Gospel Culture = Power

tonight,

tomorrow 

and every day

I want to make much of Jesus

I want to live in such a way 

that others can see that He is indeed who He said He is

God's Son,

the King of Kings

the Lord of Lords

with Him as my Lord,

with the Holy Spirit in me

I can choose not to sin,

forgive instead of becoming bitter

consider others more important than myself

bringing His light into dark situations.

By His unending grace and for His sake.

We NEED to!

..obedient to the point of death... Israel take three / Caiaphas' house

the house of Caiaphas... the night before the crucifixion..
in the pit, an old cistern, let down by a rope, or maybe with a ladder...
left alone there for the night.
Jesus.
He knew what was going to happen.
all man.
all God.
He could have freed Himself, easily.
He could have changed it all.

but... for the joy set before Him He decided to stay.
instead he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

He did that for me.



a week ago,
I too was in that place

so humbling, to be in the exact same spot where God, the Son surrendered Himself to go ahead and pay the price for my reconciliation to the Father.

challenged to consider what I needed to surrender it didn't take long for me to come up with it.

I knew it before. I have been struggling with this for a long time.
it just has been highlighted once again in the last few months.

the need to protect my children.

it's as "easy" as that.

all I have ever known, seen in my life has been the mother trying to protect the children from the cruel and heartless treatment by the father.
my mother was still trying to do just that right before she died.
sad, considering that the "child" she was trying to protect was 51 at the time.
what seemed necessary when we were small definitely was out of place and rather detrimental even for that grown child later.

as a mother I too felt that need. I think as much as I learned as a follower of Christ that I needed to trust the Lord for them rather than trying to defend them all the time, I struggled.
truth is most of the conflict between my Ex-husband and I was about the children.
I learned to not get involved, not get in the middle as they got older, that my intervention actually made things harder for them...

once divorced I could only watch from afar and pray, and if needed help to put the broken pieces back together. I prayed a lot.

sadly lately I have been feeling a little more protective once again.
never expected a scenario like this, I guess it is just another consequence of broken families.

God is bigger than this and I just didn't want to stand in His way anymore.

so I surrendered.

I don't know about Jesus, I would assume that surrendering once was enough for Him.... after all, He is God and I am not.
My prayer is I won't pick it up anymore.
But rather leave it in God's capable hands.

when He gave Himself up for those the Father had given Him He did so in obedience to the Father.
when I give up my need to protect my child I do so trusting Him to love her more than I.
I trust that His plans are indeed to prosper, not to harm.
that all He allows or orchestrates is for His glory and for our good.

He is GOOD. All the time!

Thank you Jesus for what you have done for us.

living life on the altar...as a living sacrifice... Israel take two

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God,

to present your bodies as a living sacrifice,

holy and acceptable to God,

which is your spiritual worship.......

Romans 12:1

have I told you how much I LOVE memorizing scripture??? I really do love it!!!

this is one of the verses that I have memorized! so good to dwell on the Word...

since leaving Israel on Wednesday lots has been going through my mind.. can I say my faith is even more real to me since seeing the places where it all happened... not that it was not real before.. the visual of those 10 days is being combined with what His Spirit has been showing and teaching me  over the last 24 years... it's amazing...

this morning in church during worship time I felt even more uplifted and moved than before... and I am emotional always..

at the Garden Tomb, from where you can see the place where Jesus most likely was crucified and where we looked at a grave that could very well have been the one that He was buried in, we had a sweet time of communion and sang Amazing Grace together... for me that was the most touching time of the whole trip... singing His praises this morning I thought if there was anything I would love to do differently if ever I went back it would be that I would want to take the time to sing His praises in all those places.. 

coming back to the scripture... living our lives as living sacrifices...... not like all the goats and lambs and doves who had to be killed.. but alive, continuing to live,  surrendered, fully sold out.. giving up everything, our whole lives... living in a way that keeps us without blemish like the animals had to be, not possible without what Jesus has done for us on the cross, when He offered His body as the ultimate sacrifice... how does this work itself out in our every day life situations..

when we are hurt, disappointed and wounded, when life is hard and boring and frustrating... will we take these moments as ministry opportunities? will living a life on the altar make us more like Jesus as we choose to do what is so against our nature: forgive, keep on loving, honoring, fervently serving, humbly surrendering to His sovereign will in our lives???

as we were driving home from church, in a nice car, going back to a nice house, in safety and comfort my thoughts were : How can we not????? 

having been in the place where Jesus chose suffering because that was what God's will had for Him, when He decided to consider this suffering to be pure joy because it was going to allow us full access to the Father.... even though we ourselves had destroyed that relationship in the first place..... How can we not ....

live as an ambassador for Him, bringing glory to Him, by His Grace and strength alone obviously.....

How can we not worship Him as living sacrifices... giving our all, always?????

walking in His footsteps... Israel take one

still dizzy from my travel induced vertigo, sick with a cold I have been fighting for a week, waiting for the next load of laundry to be done and just not quite up to go grocery shopping yet, I am listening to an old favorite song I was reminded of by a blog post from 7 years ago......

"... sometimes I wish I  lived when Jesus was walking this earth, I would have wanted to be Mary, sitting by His feet and listening to what He had to say, soaking in His presence, basking in His gentleness and love.... hearing truth , spoken by the "Way the Truth and the Life"..... but then I would have had to go through the heartache of losing Him, seeing Him again, just for Him to leave for good... to have known Him "personally" though would have been so amazing... wondering if I would have loved Him more than I do now... or believe in Him more...

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him (1 Peter 1:8 )

Loving Him, enjoying His presence.. staying at His feet, pouring out my love, my heartache and my sadness... my joy and my excitement... my worries and my brokenness...letting go of any selfish notion.. makes me think of a new favorite song...

Here before Your altar

I am letting go of all I've held

Of every motive, every burden

Everything that's of myself

And I just wanna wait on You, my God

I just wanna dwell on who You are

Beautiful, beautiful

Oh, I am lost for more to say

Beautiful, beautiful

Oh Lord You're beautiful to me

Here in Your presence

I am not afraid of brokenness

To wash Your feet with humble tears

I would be poured out till nothing's left

And I just wanna wait on You, my God

I just wanna dwell on who You are

I just want to dwell on who He is, how much He loves me, how much I love Him, and how I can serve Him and follow Him... "


returned two nights ago from a 10 day visit to Israel. the amount of impressions, information and emotions is totally overwhelming... percolating, as always, the Lord, the Spirit, His Word and His nearness... walking on roads and steps He walked on, overlooking landscapes He was overlooking, sailing on the Sea of Galilee, like He was... standing in the places of His suffering, dwelling on who He was and is... I am getting new glimpses of my Jesus.....  too much to process right there and then I am excited what He will show me through all of this..

having studied the Old Testament over the last 6 months more intensely, being where King Hezekiah ( my absolute fav king, what can I say ) build a tunnel to have a source of water in the city in case of a siege by the Assyrians, just almost blew my mind....

one of the words that are bubbling up through all of this is AWE.... total AWE ..

from the beginning, we, God's creation, have always messed up so royally, it is almost incomprehensible that He has not totally ERADICATED us...
but instead He kept on forgiving, He kept on hearing the cries of His people, coming to their rescue, again and again...

MERCY... GRACE... not getting what we deserve and receiving what we do not deserve....

all of the Old Testament makes one very clear point.... mankind is not able to live up to what God rightfully expects of us... we are irredeemable ...

HE, the Redeemer had to come, goats and lambs were never going to be enough of a sacrifice to atone for our relentless sin... not until He came... and He did....
never have been able to get my head around this, and I never will, I am sure until I see clearly, not like in a mirror.. when He finally calls me home to spend eternity in His presence, finally...

His love is uncontainable and I want to sit at His feet, I want to absorb it all, down to the last little bit... and with it, I want to love Him back and those He has put into my path... so as to not hinder Him from accomplishing what He wants to accomplish through me... that they too would know Him... and that He would receive the glory and honor He deserves... it is and will always be only about HIM!

SOLI DEO GLORIA

... the "unconditional love" miracle

unconditional love.

no conditions.

patient

kind

not envious

not boastful

not proud

not rude

not self seeking

not easily angered

keeps no record of wrong

doesn't delight in evil

rejoices with the truth

always protects

always trusts

always hopes 

always perseveres...

there

that's unconditional love

that's agape love

that's the way our Father in Heaven loves us

that's how we need to love one another

not just husband and wife

everyone

that has been my prayer, this is what I am asking God to help me be better at, every single day

so lately... I have realized something ( I can be quite slow at times ... )

when you are asking God for something, you better be ready for it.. yup

I think, we ask, and we mean it, we sincerely want to be better at those things He wants us to do..

what I did not expect, even though He has shown me this before in other areas..duh.. I am really slow, is that He does not just magically drop some "love unconditionally" potion on me and ..tada.... I am this amazing unconditionally loving person...

not at all..

unfortunately.

instead, my most loving Father, who is so very committed to making me more like Him, I love Him for that :) creates the scenario that allows me to practice this..

the situation where, because apparently I have conditions ( don't be fooled by my kind face ;) it hurts to love, where the decision to love anyways - doesn't come easily... where it takes a choice and an action to follow, because let me tell you.. the feelings so most definitely want to run the opposite way... ( the heart is wicked, didn't you know ? )

when, even though you are hurt, disappointed, misunderstood and plain "didn't sign up for this" you have to forgive, and PURSUE the one who did the hurting in the first place....

when extending respect and acceptance is a pure act of obedience, because, let's face it, nothing is worth disobedience and the consequences that will so inevitably follow.. ( learned that the hard way )

that's what you get for asking God to change you and help you to love unconditionally, the way He, the Creator of the Universe loves me.

sounds like a bad deal, but, far from it, it never is with Him.

because that's how you can see Him at work, and be part of it.. how exciting is that...

Happy Valentine's Day <3 p="">

... standing firm means being obedient???????

love when we can take part in the Worship service, singing in a spontaneous choir or sharing a verse of scripture that is especially meaningful like last Sunday...

I have so many to choose from but I chose this one:

You do not need to fight in this battle, stand firm, hold your position and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf, oh Judah and Jerusalem ( or personalized as I like it : oh Miriam )

Do not be afraid, do not be dismayed. Tomorrow go out against them and the Lord will be with you!

2 Chronicles 20:17

having had to hold on to this one in rather scary situations like coming back from rushing to Switzerland to be with family when my mother so very suddenly passed away in April of 2016,  having "violated" my immigration status by leaving the country - how could I have not gone - God was indeed faithful and all He wanted me to do was to stand on His promise... and not be anxious...

the immigration process was complicated by this quite a bit and for sure delayed a long time, but, what we feared the most, me not being allowed back into the country, did not happen.
I saw the salvation of the Lord on my behalf!!!!

another time when because of business done in my name a long time ago,  I potentially could have lost all I had, the Lord once again went before me and blew my mind by the salvation I was able to see on my behalf....


but, since the Word of God is indeed living and active, sharper than a two edged sword and piercing to the division of soul and spirit ( and does it ever... ) there this morning, praying and reflecting on a conflict that's been going on for a while... He, my most precious father and king, showed me something new...


yes, this is an amazing promise God made to His people, and to me, but all of a sudden I realized something that I hadn't seen before...

standing firm... and so far I thought that meant to stand on the truth that God keeps His promises and to trust Him ( which it for sure means ) in this newer scenario it meant something a bit different, a bit more personal...

standing firm means not wavering, not moving away from what is God's will, His good and acceptable and perfect will... His will, that is the very best for me...

His will is revealed to me in His Word, and really, to me anyways, it basically means His will for me is to be obedient... to His will... to what He told me.

so when it says respect your husband, put him first right after God, then that's what I need to stand firm on.

and when it says do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit and count others more significant than yourselves... then that's what I have to stand firm on.

when it says look to the interests of others and not only your own.. then that's what I have to stand firm on

when it says forgive like your Father in heaven has forgiven you, then I need to stand firm on that...

when it says as far as it is up to you, pursue peace, then I need to stand firm on that.......

and then, because He is faithful, and merciful and gracious and in His purposeful goodness has chosen me to be His, then I see the salvation of the Lord on my behalf...
and for that I will praise Him forever and ever, Amen