...why divorce hurts so much....

 I am learning so much, kind of cool, but then again, I could have lived without some of that knowledge.

It happens all the time,  in 2009  38 % of marriages in Canada  were divorced before their 30th Wedding anniversary...so it shouldn't be such a big deal, right? But it is... it is because it is just not what God had in mind when He created marriage...

The man said,
       "This is now bone of my bones
       and flesh of my flesh;
       she shall be called 'woman,
       for she was taken out of man."

 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. ( Genesis 2: 23+24)

Another scripture:

Another thing you do: You flood the LORD's altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands.  You ask, "Why?" It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

 Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring.  So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.

  "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself  with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty.
      So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith. ( Malachi 2: 13+16)

God hates divorce, His heart breaks when we separate something the He has joined together...
it breaks mine as well, after all , this is one of my favorite songs:

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to Eternity  ( Hosanna, by Hillsong)

It breaks our hearts for what it does to families, the ripple effect it has...
The pain is so excruciating because what became one is ripped into two halves rather than neatly taken apart to its original two people... the wounds are gaping and deep... the grief that follows is substantial and only Jesus can heal it... like someone at my DivorceCare support group said: The damage is so bad, it takes the manufacturer to fix it... I liked that a lot :)

Another reason the pain is so deep is that there are so many losses... for me some of them are:
loss of my husband, loss of  my dreams, loss of our future, loss of our regular time together.... vacations, holidays,  routines... loss of security, loss of someone who cared, who would hug when things got bad...
 ... my daughter mentioned "loss of a tree house" as one of the things she lost...

All those losses need to be grieved.. and grieving needs to be done or we are not healthy enough to live life well.... So, as much as I would like to be fully healed, and I feel like I am a lot of the time now, I am far from being done grieving these losses..... I have no problem with crying... so I did some today... and I know it will not be the last time......

... A heart hidden in Christ..

...God is good... All the time.... All the time... God is good... I love this, because it is true, and I am learning to trust Him for this more and more....
I really and actually bought my first house last night... haven't paid for it yet, but it is going to be mine... kind of cool....
At the Divorce Care meeting last night I realized again, that in this all, I am having a really "good divorce".... crazy, but true..
I have the relationship with my, still not but very soon to be, Ex-husband that I always would have liked to have, a relationship of mutual respect and appreciation.. weird , that we can do this now, and just never got it together before.
We have worked everything out without lawyers and we are getting along and... yes, hard to believe but we trust each other...
Over the last few days God has brought me to a place were today through the guidance of my beloved Counselor and friend I was able to get a grip on something that has been eluding me for all of my life...
As God has allowed me to find myself "single" for a longer period of time for the first time in my adult life, He is rewriting my view of myself... 
For a little over 16 years I have known in my mind and more and more in my heart that I am a beloved and chosen child of God, that the Creator of the Universe actually sent His only Son into this world to die for me , so that I could be reconciled with Him, that I am the daughter of the King, a co-heir with Christ, free from condemnation, a delight to my father in Heaven, loved with an everlasting love.... and yet, until my husband walked out of my life, I was not aware that I was still believing a HUGE LIE, the lie that only when loved by a man I was whole and valuable...
Having been rejected and tossed in the garbage by the one who supposedly was giving me this value, I had been diminished to nothingness.. worthless, alone and only to be redeemed by the love of another man...
Today I am realizing that this is not the truth, that I am whole because that's how God made me and I am not defined by my relationship with a man. I am perfectly and wonderfully made by a all knowing, all powerful, amazing God... who loves me with an everlasting love.
Lack of the love of a father and many other hurtful circumstances had me in this place of feeling unworthy and in need of someone to give me value..


Thankfully God has been gently showing me more and more that He is the One that loves me and that I do not really need a relationship to define me, what defines me is Who I am in Christ I understand that I am a precious Jewel, made by the King, who deserves a man that cherishes and loves her like Christ loves the church...


I knew that, I believed that, but I was not aware that deep down inside I still doubted this
So today I am embracing singleness, I am surrendering my hopes and dreams, and I am going to try very hard to not take them back again...I am saying to my Father in Heaven that indeed He is enough for me and that I am going to trust Him. I am dedicating my life to Him and only if He calls me to a marriage will I enter into a relationship again...


.. because: 


An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. (1 Cor 7:34)


And I am going to devote my life to Him first , my kids second and third to the people He by His grace will bring into my life to extend His love and healing to.


I am going to counter the lies when they come to my mind with the truth that I have been shown, I am going to choose to walk in obedience every step of my journey. I am going to live with the joy and the hope that only He can bring as I am staying closely in step with what He has for me... however this will look like.

....time to move on???

... okay, so it is 11:24 pm and I have just bought a house... how crazy is that? Also wrote a cheque in an amount I never have written before... Am I crazy or what?
Prayed about it... found out the single mother who has sold her house to me made the decision about if she should go for it through "asking" the Magic 8 Ball.... who is more crazy...
What a world...
At work this morning.. this is one of the things that God has brought out of this break-up, that gives me such tremendous joy and purpose.. love all the people there... love being at work for  God, extending His love... Wonderful....
My little daughter has been very cuddly... can't remember when she has been like this.... I am enjoying it.. the other two are a delight and last night someone spoke some amazing truths into my life.
Divorce Care meeting tonight again and this is a good place for me to be as well...I am busy, in a good way....loving it...
Feeling it is time to attempt reconciliation with someone.. praying that this will be good.
Amazing how He moves me on, works in me at all times..He does not waste any hurt... uses it to refine me and I am so thankful for that....I would never have thought that I would find myself where I am today a little over 9 months into being separated.. God is good all the time, all the time God is good!!!!!
I will praise Him and worship Him in all that I do... I just love Him sooooooooooo much!!!!!

.. my prayer this morning...

Lord you said...

.....be Holy... as I am Holy...

Be self controlled, don't let distraction lead you astray...

I am not of this world, I am a stranger and I was redeemed by the life blood of Jesus,

 who willingly gave His life for me.. to be redeemed from the emptiness of this world..

My prayer today is as I am walking through this day,

that the truth of who I am in Christ will lead me and guide me..

that my eyes will be fixed on You 

and that no distraction will be able to make me take my eyes off You,

the One that came to transform my life and give me hope,

 a hope that never perishes or fades away..

My only Hope... Christ in me...

Oh how I love You....

You are my One and Only... I am surrendering my hope,

 my future, my dreams, my desires... 

to serve You wholeheartedly wherever You will have me today..

In Your precious and Holy name,

Amen

....Good Morning Holy Spirit.....

...Good morning Holy Spirit.. fill me, empower me and take over my heart, my soul and my mind. I am surrendering the last little corner that I might have kept from you and ask you to fill it up..


Love the passages when Jesus promised us the Counselor..


If you love me, you will obey what I command. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. ( John 14: 15-17)


But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 27Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.(John 14:26-27)


When the Counselor comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth who goes out from the Father, he will testify about me. And you also must testify, for you have been with me from the beginning. (John 15:26-27)


The Counselor, the Holy Spirit is in us, He is there to remind us, He testifies to us about Jesus, He will be with us forever..we must obey Jesus if we love Him, He has given us peace and we need to testify about Him because even if we forget, we have the Spirit of truth in us.......it's all right there... the Christian life...


Abiding in Him, Peace, Sharing the Good News... the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, the One that Jesus sent when He ascended into Heaven where He sits at the right hand of the Father... interceding for us and preparing for us a room in the mansion... eternal communion....


Hallelujah..Praise Him today!!!!

...... submission :o ........

As I was driving home from a lovely lunch with my beautiful daughter I was thinking about a conversation I had after a meeting at the church this morning.

You see, I want to make sure that I get the message right that God has for me... so I am going to present to the Elders of our church what I think God is calling me to do, they then will pray about it and whatever they are going to come back with I will accept.

I am going to do this because the bible tells me that the Elders have been appointed by God to be in authority over the community of believers... since I do not have a husband anymore, another one that would be in authority over me 

(and yes, I have NO trouble with that at all...you will see why later) I feel so much more that I need to have the Elders pray and have the final say about what God really is planning for me in this regard.

In today's world the words "authority" and "submit" have such a negative feeling attached to it, but really, like any other "rule" in the bible, God put it in place to protect us.

The Dictionary :

to submit: to yield oneself to the will or authority of another...to defer to or consent to abide by the opinion or authority of another.....

authority: power to influence or command thought, opinion, or behavior

So let's look at this... as Christians we believe that God is in authority over us, that we need to obey Him and that we will be blessed by Him for doing that. The bible is full of scriptures that tell us to do just that and, the bible is full of verses that tell us what will happen if we don't...

There are verses about children obeying their parents, servant's their masters...and then there are those that most of us don't really like to look at anymore... us women, we do not like the one about wives called to submit, yield to, the authority of their husbands..( Ephesians 5:22-33)

For me, even with a husband that did not really follow the Lord, eventually this became more easy and I even considered it a blessing... I think, no matter if our marriage is exactly what God intended it to be, a union of man and woman, equally valued by God, made for different roles but  the authority and with this the responsibility and accountability to God ultimately lies with the husband... Hallelujah.... and I mean it.. This is not meant to be a card blanche for the husband to dictate and boss around his wife, not at all, it also does not diminish the value of the opinions and convictions of the wives, as helpmates we are called to speak into the lives of our husbands, lovingly giving our input... after all, we are TOGETHER portraying the image of God, we both lack certain characteristics of God that the other has, but like I said, ULTIMATELY we are to submit to a husband, who together with us will have sought the Lord and His direction. I cannot imagine a place I would rather be than under the umbrella of protection of a godly husband, the one who would lay his life down for me willingly, like Christ did for the church.

As for me, I trusted God for that protection and still submitted to my husband when push came to shove and God gave me tremendous peace when I did.

As a single woman who wants to live to please and honor God and wants to be obedient to Him I am now looking to the Elders for guidance and ultimately a "Yes" or a "No" for my ministry to go ahead or not. 

In Acts we find many verses that tell us about the role of Elders,  the appointment of Paul and Barnabas as missionaries through the spiritual leaders who had prayed, fasted and worshipped God and then heard from Him, ( Acts 13:1,3-4) and the appointment of Elders by Paul and Barnabas ( Acts 14:23), of Paul and Barnabas returning to the Elders that appointed them and laid hands on them to send them off when a dispute arose, for guidance and wisdom. (Acts 15:1-4) 

Many more, for example in Acts 16:4 decisions reached by the Elders and Apostles in Jerusalem were delivered to the people of Jerusalem to obey....

and on and on it goes...

I NEED to hear from God because I do not want to lean on my own understanding but rather be obedient to God and follow His leading. In most cases the bible is quite clear on what we need to do, but when there is a calling, I firmly believe that God will be faithful and speak through the men that He has called to be the overseers of the church that I belong to.

I am thankful that He has given us all that we need for godliness.... He better, because we know where it leads when I run off on my own... ;)

..walking with Him...

...puppy threw up, always a nice interruption of my sleep.... just great...
..everyone off to where they have to be, time for me to go to my secret place...
...my chair... both puppies sleeping on it... my bible and I... I am not a coffee drinker or even a real tea drinker... so that's all there is...
...Reading and memorizing 1. Peter chapter 1....too marvelous for words....

I am one of God's elect, chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the father, through the sanctifying work of the spirit for OBEDIENCE to Christ and the sprinkling of His blood...
Grace and Peace is mine in ABUNDANCE....

Taking that in... there is so much, I have been chosen.... God the Father who foreknows everything... He chose me....I am here to by faith through the Spirit working in me OBEY my Jesus. And all I need is mine, actually, more than I will ever need..

In His great mercy, Praise be to God, He has given me a new birth...into a living hope because of my Jesus having been resurrected from death...  what a gift... letting this sink in.... it is touching my heart and my heart wells over with tears of thankfulness... no people, possession or position could ever fill the place in my heart that loves Him with a passion that is all consuming.

I love Him, and I love His people..."It is right for me to feel this way about all of you since I have you in my heart."  (Philippians 1:7) There are people that God has brought into my life that are in my heart... sometimes I do not even know what to do with this love...it is so overwhelming...

So, off I go now too, a new day, another meeting... than go see my daughter for lunch... what a lovely treat... God is good... He cares enough to walk with me again today..... leading and guiding me, celebrating and crying with me... so no matter what this day will bring, Grace and Peace will be with me and you.... AMEN

...a choice......

..early this morning I had a horrible dream... I tend to dream about the the real stuff usually, about what is going on in my life, the same people etc. 
In this dream my mother and my sister were making it very clear to me that they were choosing my cousin over me... my mother had the Christening gown with her in which all our children had been christened  and it turned out she had it with her because my husband and my cousin had had a baby..... a nightmare for sure........


I have been thinking about the relationship with my family and I am saddened by it....it doesn't feel right but I also do not know what else to do. I just don't trust them anymore.


the morning at church was great, good bible study, love all these women and especially all the little kids.. I am so blessed to have so many friends with babies and little munchkins...I love them all dearly...


great meeting afterwards with an incredible woman that the Lord has brought into my life a week ago..He is at work in wonderful ways..


and then, later today I had two great conversations with my teenage girl.. that is an even greater answer to prayer... a teachable moment, an opportunity to relate and communicate deep convictions.. wow... so thankful for that.
I am thanking God for the way He has allowed me to teach my children by walking the talk... and they get it... it is amazing. I am far from being a perfect mother and because of that it blesses me even more to see that even my little rebellious one can't help but absorb what is being lived out before her.. loving people rather than judging them....being Jesus rather than a stiff -necked, self -righteous Pharisee..amazing...Thank you Lord...


after that, she went to dance and I was home alone for a few hours...felt lonely and sorry for myself...didn't give in to any desire to take matters into my own hands ( like I have done before, remember the Christian Dating Site)... and just went before my Lord and prayed..


living our life victoriously goes hand in hand with obedience. On this journey we need to make choices along the way, again and again.... the circumstances do not necessarily change at all, and there is no miraculous formula that all of a sudden removes the issues and temptations.. each time when finding ourselves in a place where our circumstances make us look for a quick fix rather than trusting and accepting where God has us, we need to choose obedience...  coming before Him and pouring out my sad and lonely heart to Him is what I know I need to do....


now the day is over and I get to go to bed... I thank my Lord for providing all that I needed to stay in His presence... Good night

...broken but not useless..

....  after the meeting I had yesterday morning, as I was driving back, I was thinking about what the lady had said to me, how God had prepared me for what He has for me now my whole entire life.
That made me think about all that has happened and how I got to where I am today....


I have mentioned before that I have been on a Christian Dating Website or two  a few months ago, ( not in a while.... ;) I know, wrong, but at the time it was a very great need to know that someone would be interested in me...pathetic but like they all say, a normal response to the rejection and loss I experienced) anyways, what I wanted to say was on there, everyone makes it very clear that they are only interested in a partner that is "emotionally healthy"...hah...


So, as I am thinking about how God has prepared me for the purpose He has for the next phase in my life, I am wondering if that means I will really never be able to be in a relationship again... because, let me say this, what these men are looking for, I am for sure not...


I have had my fair share of bad stuff in my life, some self inflicted, some not.
 Fearful of an absent and volatile father and his outbursts, a sense of worthlessness because of his indifference, criticism and favoritism, someone ( a family friend) abusing his position of respect and authority in my life to sexually molest me, a first boyfriend and an unwanted pregnancy ending in an abortion, which catapulted me into a depression, that ( the need to find out if I could have a baby at all) and some occurrences in my family drove me to find security in a marriage far to early which had no chance because of my immaturity and lack of commitment. Jumping into the next relationship, now with two little children, on the rebound led to the 17 1/2 years of despair and difficulty that finally ended in December of last year with my husband walking out on us after cheating on me.... 


Emotionally healthy....hmmm, healed, by God's grace and healing power, letting me deal with one issue after the other, yes, restored and refined, yes...all healed though? I am not sure...so, no luck for me.....


The good part is that in the last 16 years I have not only been healed and restored, but I have also come to know my Maker and my Saviour, amazingly He is in the process of transforming me into His likeness  and  truly has prepared me to be a compassionate woman with a heart full of love and understanding to extend to women that are going or have gone through similar circumstances and also someone who has learned to be a godly wife and how to respect and love her husband. I have learned to forgive and it is easy for me, because after all, she who has been forgiven much is so much more willing and able to forgive...


I know that I am a sinner, lost without the saving grace of my Jesus dying on the cross for me, my heart is filled with gratitude and love for Him and for all His children. I have nothing to offer but my life and I am laying it down at the cross, He has redeemed me, I am His. 


So what am I? I am a broken vessel willing to let God use me...for His glory ..... I am rejoicing in the fact that He does .... what a blessing....so, really, I need no "luck" with guys on some websites, I am the daughter of the King, and, you know what? He loves me!

..... Him alone...

God is GREAT... it is Tuesday night and these last 2 days have just been amazing...He doesn't need to prove anything to me, but He cares enough to show me that no matter what the people around me are doing, no matter how much they are inflicting pain, "He is able, more than able to handle everything that comes my way" and not only this, He blesses beyond anything I could ever imagine.
He does not waste a minute of my day, around every corner is another amazing detail that He so obviously is working out.
We all know that He has a plan, I believed it in my head, I knew it, I even knew it in my heart, but I still was scared. Didn't quite trust Him...but 9 months after the final separation and a year after finding out about the affair I am now convinced without a doubt, that indeed, the plans He has are marvelous...
I am at a place where I accept pain as something that is just there, something that makes me focus on how wonderful it is that He is there, walking through it with me.
What a blessing that is. And in the meantime, while accepting this as a fact, He is leading me from one amazing detail to the next, opening my eyes every moment to just how beyond anything imaginable His plan really is, how big, how many people will be involved, how many will be blessed. I am humbled that He has groomed me all my life for such a time as this...when relying on Him like never before I am freed from anything that has had me bound and kept me from serving Him wholeheartedly.
Feelings of unworthiness, insecurities, fear of loneliness... He has been dealing with all of these. And I am more aware than ever that I am His child, chosen to follow and love Him for eternity.
I do not need anyone else to give me significance, he takes care of all of this.
I never thought I could come to a place where I could say that if this is all ( and I even feel bad saying this because it is so amazing) my life will be, serving Him in whatever way He has for me, that is MORE than enough for me... so I am putting it out there.... as much as I do have dreams, dreams to  for once being able to portray the amazing relationship between Jesus and His bride, the church, through a godly marriage, complementing one another and serving together, reflecting God's image to the world, I am no longer hung up on this..... He has been working in my heart and for the first time in my life I am feeling whole.... it blows me away.
This is something I thought I would never know.... so I thank you my wonderful Saviour and friend, you are the Lover of my Soul and you have restored me.
I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

... direction....

... my tiny puppy just tumbled down the stairs...again...is that a sign we should move... really, those steps are far too narrow, I am scared myself when going down...
... lately I have felt drawn to a new work, new place, new people... someone said something encouraging in this re to me today, an "insider"... now, is this a sign???
I have been praying for direction ever since my cute little, content train had been thrown up in the air, violently, without any regard to me liking the safety of my normal, the little train tracks leading me along a well known path.... it was scary at first, very scary, what was this "New Normal" going to look like? All of a sudden everything was possible,  everything could be changed...needed to be changed....  relationship status from married to single, lifestyle taken down a few notches.. friends, all of them married... social activities as couples not happening anymore, okay.. lonely in and now lonely without a relationship, children secure in a family, even though not all was so nice... but at least it was a stable environment... now.... a mother "thrown" by the hurt and abandonment experienced.... you get the picture...
God has opened many doors, new opportunities, exciting stuff... more exciting as the "scared factor" became smaller and smaller..
One thing I learned is that I NEVER want to do anything anymore that I am not sure God has for me... so, the way things are progressing... an answer to prayer? Do I pursue it or wait for it to land in my lap?
I am not sure... I will have to pray about that one.... I know that God has plans for me and my girls to prosper us and not to harm us...I am serving while I am waiting, I am drawing closer and closer... and still... not sure what I should do..so Lord, please, something obvious... like my puppy tumbling down the stairs AGAIN...

.... honor and glory...

.... Praise the Lord, oh my soul, Praise His holy name...
He , who has given us NEW LIFE in Jesus Christ, His son,
He who keeps His promises and loves us with an EVERLASTING love..

drawing near to HIM, my day starts by being filled with new purpose and love,
a renewed conviction, to honor Him and praise Him in all that I do..

because: even though I have not seen Him , I love Him, and even though I do not see Him now, I believe in Him and am filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for I am receiving the goal of my faith, the salvation of my soul.....

and furthermore...even though now, for a LITTLE while I have to suffer grief in all kinds of trials, I know that these have come so that my faith may be proved genuine and result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed...

I love Him with all my soul, heart and mind, and I will strive to honor Him and glorify Him in all that I do...today and every day... by His grace and in His power, a willing vessel of His grace and love..

AMEN

.... hardened hearts :(

... Thank the Lord for my sanctuary...wanna know what my sanctuary is?
My bedroom.. I LOVE my bed, this seems to be the only place where I can retreat to, where I can be safe, even in my own house.
I didn't want this. I didn't want to have another meeting. Because I knew it wouldn't work.
Because what is really happening is not even on this level, it is a spiritual battle.
There is bitterness and total disregard of feelings. There is selfishness that knows no boundaries.
There is betrayal and greed. Really, that's what it comes down to. Greed.
What they do not see is this is NOT what it is all about.
I thank God that He has allowed me 16 years ago to see the light, that He took the blinders off and let these ears grow on my heart. That I am not concerned with material things to the extent everyone else around me is. That He has shown me that we need to be proactive against bitterness and forgive... but that we also need to be wise about the boundaries we need to put up. Especially with people that have NO respect for other peoples feelings. (even when it is their own child)
What is that all about? why Lord, why the continued pain, inflicted by those that were in the beginning appointed to be the ones to keep us safe and nurture us.
What will it take for this to end? Total destruction? So sad, so very, very sad.
My heart breaks, again, the loss is tremendous... unbelievable. What if they won't get it?
The outcome will be even worse for them eternally... I do not want that, because, as much as I seem to be the enemy, they are not my enemies.. so I will continue to pray. not even for this situation to be resolved so much but for God to do for them what He has done for me... to take off the blinders and let them see the TRUTH.... to see Him, the One who is the Truth, the Way and the Life...
Because without Him all the striving is in vain. Like my pastor says, You will never see a U-Haul behind a hearse..rather then will come the moment of truth, are you a child of the Creator of this world because of what His son Jesus has done or are you not... pretty straightforward... do you believe that you need His saving grace and have you accepted it by faith.... This is all that counts, now and forever more..

So my prayer is : Lord , forgive them., for they do not know what they are doing, forgive them in your grace and call them, break through their stubborn, hardened hearts and make them your own,
so that, even if we cannot be reconciled here, we will be able to spend eternity together..
After all, what else would I wish for...

.....He is in CONTROL!!!!!

.....was reassured this morning in church  -  did I ever say how much I LOVE going to church?
Worshipping Him, I could do that all day long... preaching of the Word.. hearing from Him, speaking to me through a willing servant ( my favourite one ;)... God is soooooo good.. could do that every day.. yes, I know I am a little crazy - so anyways, today's sermon reassured me that I am on the right path:

God's plan is more wonderful than we can ever imagine... I am counting on that....

God's plan is more perfect than we can ever grasp...getting little glimpses of that once in a while.. thank you Lord..

God's plan is more precise than we can ever appreciate... His love and attention to the detail, mind blowing..how much He cares...

God's plan is more loving than we can ever comprehend... sang this amazing song this morning, something about God being like the infinite ocean, the bottomless sea, His affection and love for us unending.. I just opened my hands and relaxed into this, closing my eyes, receiving it.....

God's plan is more complete than we can ever understand.... he alone sees the beginning and the end.. he alone is wise , thankfully He is the one who is sovereign... can you imagine how we would mess it up... oh, my, I know I would.

Bottom line is: His plan is all that because of Who He is...trusting Him, opening myself up to His leading, seeking Him and pursuing Holiness ( like forgiving those who wronged me), accepting the momentary troubles..all this flows out of believing that He is just that: My Sovereign and Loving God...
There is no better place I could ever be , than in the presence of the One who lovingly calls the shots in my life, His plan and His timing are perfect and ultimately better than anything I could ever come up with!!!!!!!
Hallelujah!

Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.

  Worship the LORD with gladness; 

       come before him with joyful songs.

  Know that the LORD is God. 

       It is he who made us, and we are his   

       we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

 Enter his gates with thanksgiving 

       and his courts with praise; 

       give thanks to him and praise his name.

  For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; 

       his faithfulness continues through all generations.

...waves of turmoil...

...I dwell in the House of the Lord

all the days of my life...

.. striving for holiness....obedience...

....feelings of unworthiness....emptiness...

....grief and sadness.. old wounds, new wounds..

....losses, long ago, ....some so fresh....

...opportunities.....challenges...

... pathetic loneliness.....closeness, like never before..

...broken relationships beyond repair...

...the lost and helpless little girl.....

...a mother, keeping it together for her kids...

...overwhelmed ...bored...

....heart broken in pieces...

mending slowly....

...feeling the sadness in this world...

...so much compassion.. passion...

...ready to move on... not time for that yet...

... surrendered... whatever your will, Lord...

... I'm Yours and Yours alone...

...whatever it takes Lord..........

I  Love You Lord

and I lift my voice

to worship you, oh my soul rejoice

Be still and know that I am God

You are God

Stillness

Peace

Eternity

Now

Natalie Grant - The Greatness Of Our God

..waiting... what do you mean????

Waiting on the Lord... it comes up again and again.... scriptures, devotions, blogs, tweets, conversations, songs... I guess it's something the Lord wants to point out to me..hmmmmm

Patience.. but not only this,
Trusting...
Waiting meaning what? Doing nothing? Serving while I am waiting?
What exactly is it I am waiting for?
For the Lord's plan to unfold... am I waiting for Him to bring about what I am asking Him for?
Waiting for my "order" to be delivered?
Waiting to find out if my desires and wishes line up with what He has for me?
Why waiting?
For the time to be right?

Is it maybe that waiting on the Lord means resting in His presence?
By serving while waiting getting to know Him better?
Waiting and growing in the knowledge of Him..
Waiting and through drawing closer to Him His priorities become mine?
Him filling my voids, showering me with Himself and all of a sudden what I thought I was waiting for doesn't even matter anymore?

Maybe I am challenged to take my eyes off my wants and dreams and fix them on Him?
Be still and know that HE is God and that is all I need?
Might it be this????

Just a thought......

..letting go...

...another emotional day...after 3 days of learning about what women deal with after an abortion, this morning at RENEW  ( the Women's Bible Study at my church) I  "officially" passed  on the baton of the ministry that I had been heading up for 10 years.

Stepping down was my decision, one that I felt was necessary after all the changes in my life..the new path that I feel God is calling me to follow...

But then again, walking in there and not being the one in charge making sure everything is working the way it should...weird.... didn't quite like it.

Ten years is a very long time... giving up something that has been part of my "Normal" for so long is hard, harder than I thought... actually, right now, I am VERY sad, it seems this is another loss..... too many of those lately.

Had lunch afterwards with a great friend, and since we never get to spend any time together I basically gave her the story of the last 9 months..

As I was telling her of all the losses  I have suffered I realized that I should not be surprised that I am still so very, very fragile... basically, in regards to family, I lost pretty much everyone, but my kids. 

We need to grieve the losses, I learned ... allow the sadness, the anger, work through them and let them go...

The sense of betrayal that is connected to them makes it even more difficult for me... this really shouldn't be like this... I know that the sadness will never fully go away...

Coming back to today.. I am loosening my grasp... some of this loosening others violently made happen, against my will, loosening the grasp today, was what I needed to do, obediently following where God is leading me..

I am glad that I have gotten to know my Daddy in Heaven quite well over the last 16 years and that this is what I firmly believe:

Sometimes faith may feel blind, the dance unsure, as He takes the lead. But through it all, we must listen to the whisper that says, "Trust me."

And that is what with His help I will do, one step at a time....

...Hindsight...Take Five........Sep 14, 2009

.... September 14, 2009 ...... waking up with an urgency like never before... The Lord was prompting me... an answer to prayer...the sick feeling in my stomach that had been my constant companion for the last 6 weeks was getting worse.... the urgency: acting upon an idea I woke up with... a lightbulb moment.... the Holy Spirit opening my eyes... an answer to my fervent prayers for God to bring into the light what was hiding in the darkness.....
..the password for my cousin's e-mail account...I will never forget where I was...in my beautiful kitchen, on my beautiful PINK macbook.... trying to get to the bottom of things.. led by the Holy Spirit who was revealing to me the truth about the state of my marriage..
...I went on the website, I punched in the password that had been brought to my attention... and voila... there it was.
A whole folder of e-mails between my husband and the woman he was betraying me with...


Pain inflicted to an extend that I had never thought possible... reduced to the raw emotions of such unbelievable hurt and betrayal... all I could do was SCREAM... not cry.... but SCREAM...
My first impulse was to call him and confront him, but then I changed my mind and rather saved all those e-mails to my documents.. to have proof because I was fully aware that as soon as I would tell my husband what I found I would never get into this account again...


Called him then and told him that there was no more need to deny anything, that I knew and that I needed him to come home and make a decision.. either for us or against us but that he then would have to move out.
Called my mentor and went to see her at the church... on the way, in my car, with the music blasting I was just screaming again, letting out all the pain... I remember thinking that this must be what it means to share into Christ's suffering... because wasn't he also betrayed by the ones that swore to stand by Him???


The hurt was so magnified because not only my husband but also the relative closest to my heart, my confidante and companion since the day she was born, my cousin, had betrayed me and inflicted a pain I would have never been able to imagine beforehand and will never be able to forget... ever...
At the church I cried, we prayed.. I forgave... I did, I really did, oh the love I had for him, how God had changed my heart... the pain did not go away, but I was ready, ready to have that conversation, ready to trust God with whatever the outcome would be...one year ago today...learned something today, after a loss you will never be the same again, you will heal, and I have, it will not hurt as much anymore after a while, am there now most of the time... but you will never go back to who you were before...because when God allows the pain and the loss in our lives he uses it to transform us...to shape us and mold us and take us to a new level of awareness... more aware of many things... how fragile life is... how precious and not to be taken for granted... how much He loves me, that I can trust Him, and that people are just that, people, that will let me down, and hurt me.. just like I will let them down and hurt them... but that God is so much BIGGER and with His help I can overcome any hurt inflicted on me...


.....we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. ( Romans 5:3-5)


to be continued.....

... Divorce papers...

....so this what it comes down to..... the  "in sickness and in health.. until death do you part"... it is actually , in my case, a pink folder with a few papers in them... one of them is ... yup, the marriage certificate, signed by my husband, myself, my cousin... yes, the same one, and my husband's best man... oh, and the pastor... this is one of the papers in there, then there are a few "Affidavits" ...a receipt for some fees... and there it is now... the pink little file that contains our family... waiting for a judge to sign it and by this dissolve the union that we both promised before God never to break..
A little pink folder, looking so innocent and really not at all in any way significant... the consequences though  are monumental..a message to our children, that, if married, yes, you can still get betrayed and abandoned... and: at least one parent did not believe that God can work all things out and bless and honor obedience....a message to my parents and my siblings: I was wrong... I was going to prove to them that , yes, with God you can work anything out... a message to the world: Christians get divorced almost as often and easily as unbelievers...
... but then there is the message from God.. to everyone... He has given us free choice... the world is full of trouble, but He has overcome it... so even though my "kind of" and "then again not" Christian husband made choices that were not according to what God's "Don'ts" ( Don't get hurt) are saying... God is still much bigger than any sin could ever be. He has promised to work everything out for the good of those that LOVE Him..... so, in the brokenness there will be beauty, there has been beauty... the sweet aroma of forgiveness and blessing, new opportunities, new horizons because that's God's message to everyone as well: I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future...
He keeps His promises... He is always right there... no matter what kind of papers we are putting in a pink folder... Praise God

...as far as the East is from the West....

... love Him... need Him... can trust Him...love spending time with Him...
He is so meticulous.. has EVERYTHING planned out so well. No one cares as much as He does.

My children are such a blessing...they blow me away, one of them today exhibited such discernment, such an understanding of good and bad and how it all works out... it made my heart jump inside.
I think He did that to show me I need not worry about that, but that He is at work, even when outwardly they are not expressing their faith in the way that would make me stop worrying.
He alone knows how much I care about this... that my most consistent and fervent prayer is for my girls to love Him with a passion that is all consuming.. seeking Him every day of their lives.

The next 3 days I have the privilege to attend a Post Abortion Counseling Training Seminar..  For many years now my heart's desire has been to be able to walk alongside women that have had an abortion to help them find the forgiveness and healing the Lord has for them...

In the last few years I have attempted a few times to offer this kind of healing in my church, every time encountering that the stigma that surrounds this sin is still huge and women are too scared to come out...
Statistics show that the abortion rate of women in the church hardly differs from those outside the church..there are so many women feeling they cannot be forgiven and  hiding away with the guilt and devastation.

For many years my prayer has been that God would use me to lead women along the path that He has lead me.
In the months following the break up of my family the Lord opened the doors and made the connections for me to be able to attend this seminar and to work in a place where women can find help and direction when finding themselves pregnant and scared..I am so blessed...

I thank the Lord for each woman that will not feel that abortion is the only way to deal with this crisis and for each one that will be able to lay down the heavy burden she is carrying.

We serve an amazing God.... He continues to amaze me... He always will, of that I am sure.

.... to follow Him....

Picking up my cross daily...

...to follow Him... 

...dying to self... 

...to follow Him.... 

...putting others first... 

...to follow Him...

Surrendering my hopes...

... to follow Him...

...laying down my dreams...

... to follow Him...

...suffering willingly...

... to follow Him...

...quietly enduring...

... to follow Him...

... no wonder to the world all of this is foolishness....

To us though.. all of this flows

 from a deep abiding love for Him...

... a gratitude that cannot be put into words...

... a joy that is never ending...

To know Him more each day...

... to join Him in His sufferings..

... to find rest in Him alone...

... to draw close and gaze into His tender loving eyes...

A miracle too wonderful for words...

... communion of the hearts...

... a love story with no end...

... eternally connected...

... beyond anything ever imagined...

Thank You, Lord...who am I, that you are mindful of me...

I will always serve you with all my heart, soul and mind..

... with all that I am and all that I have...

...no greater joy.... I love You, Jesus...