lonely and sad.... abandoned and rejected, not just once, not only that last time...
loneliness, not just the absence of another person but rather not connected in a meaningful way with a significant other... I think anyways...
loneliness in a relationship I used to say was so much worse... that was when I was still in one, and, you guessed it, felt very alone and lonely...
in the meantime, I am really alone, have been for some time...
my fellow abandoned wives agree with me that night time is the worst...
a good friend said today that it was a wise choice to put up the scripture, especially in my bedroom.... she is right... it seems I am assaulted the most when in here, all by myself, everyone has gone to bed, and the loneliness descends like a cloud.....
for the last 20 months I have been very good about sticking to what I know builds me up... listened only to Christian music for example... lately, realizing that I was much better I have been listening to some of the "normal secular love songs" I like... I have always had a melancholy streak and so many of those are very sad....
in my bedroom, with my music going tonite the cloud definitely was descending on me again... it didn't help that I heard some story from my mother today, which made me think of my father and the cruelty he still dishes out whenever he feels like it.... and, the fact that this has not changed and still continues to hurt my mother and sometimes me as well ... the dark mood was setting in..
yearning for love, compassion and understanding, someone to share the good and the bad, the joys and the sorrows, someone to connect in a deep meaningful way.... will it be what He has for me, or maybe not?
but then I caught a glimpse of the scripture on the wall of my bedroom.... Love is patient and kind and it definitely never fails... the AGAPE love that my Father in Heaven has for me.... and the cloud had to retreat.... His truth goes out and pierces our hearts, it is the sword, that cuts through the fog of lies and assaults... it speaks the truth to our innermost being, to our soul.....
I am so glad He gave it to us.. He, who was God, who was with God in the beginning, who is the WORD, that Word that never goes out in vain, that always accomplishes the will of the Father... He, Jesus, His truth set me free, again, tonite... I am no abandoned used up toy... I am the cherished daughter of the King of kings... He sings over me and quiets me with His love.... I am choosing to focus on that truth tonite....
