... A Prayer of Lament....

Lord... I know you know everything that is on my heart and on my mind....I knew there was no reason for me to ever try to hide my feeling from you, and thanks to You I never felt the need to do that..., after all, You know everything... You also are the one who put me together the way I am...You made my brain, my emotions, You are fully aware of my behaviour patterns and dysfunctions... You can take it when I am angry ......Right now I just need to tell You what I am feeling.

I love you for that, that I can be real with you.. you love me... Your love for me is much bigger than that, you can take a prayer of lament...

Lord when I tell you that I feel a little tired now, that all of this is just not fair, that I am kind of tired of facing trials, and as much as I am so thankful for knowing you more through all of this and really, I would not even want to go back to who and where I was before the whole ordeal happened... sometimes I am just tired of it.

I am also a little scared, and I do not have to pretend to have more trust in You than I have.. You know that it is my prayer to know you and trust You more.. but I am afraid... what if there will never be a "flesh and blood " man to really love me and cherish me? What if there is no one for me , what if your plans are very different... yes, I know that whatever it is You will bless me,.... but You know me enough to know that I LONG for this earthly happiness... it bugs me right now that You DO care more about my holiness than my happiness... and I get it... I know and I appreciate it... I am blessed beyond anything I could have imagined to be Your daughter, Your friend and that Your love for me is everlasting...
But... and there is the "but"... I really , really, really so long for love HERE.....

I know You are at work in me... I know You are transforming me into Your likeness, I know that it is not about me, but about all the others you will let me minister to, and yes, it is fulfilling, actually, I love it...but...... here I go again...... but please, please...a man to share my heart for ministry with, a man to worship You with, a man to care for and to love and respect.....for once in my life to have someone love me like you love the church....
Lament... crying out, being real, authentic.... because when we verbalize it, when we give it to You we also have the chance of maybe leaving it with You...You know my heart, You know how much I want to surrender, and the truth is I AM, but still.... I am still wondering and hoping and wishing....

I love you... can You just pick me up and hold me? Can I stay in Your arms? With my head on Your shoulder and my eyes closed... hearing Your heartbeat... feeling safe....
Thank You Jesus, You are a GEM....I praise You, and I choose to trust You again, tonight and always..

Thanks for caring, thanks for allowing me to be real....thanks for giving me the courage to keep on going...I praise You.....AMEN

... The Holy and the Horrible???

....spent the last 4 days focusing on my faith and sharing it with friends.. worshipping, with my heart on my sleeves as always, drinking in His love. More convinced than ever that I am on the right path...the concert was a real treat...out of this world...  :)


Learned so much at the women's retreat, what an amazing speaker we had, never met a more genuine and humble woman, confirming what I have been learning in the last years... especially the last 14 months.


The Holy and the Horrible...what an interesting topic. The Holy God of the Universe...the Maker of Heaven and Earth, The One who sent His only begotten Son to this earth to endure the ultimate suffering and to give His life so that we could be reconciled to Our Father in Heaven, He, the Father is orchestrating the conflicts and tragedies in our life to make us into His likeness, restoring us  back to what He had made us to be in the first place.


...Jesus, knowing what was going to happen pleaded with His Father and asked that the cup would be removed if at all possible... He was in agony and pain, felt left alone by His disciples that could not even stay awake and pray as He had asked them...He surrendered His will and embraced the Father's will, fixing His eyes on what the sacrifice of His life would bring to us, the healing we in our fallen state would need.

As the Father uses the hurt and pain that the brokenness of this world inflicts on us, He walks with us through it, staying with us in the turmoil, empathizing with the numbness, the grief and the anger and helping us to let go and find the healing He has for us...


As our wounds are being healed, we are becoming closer to our Saviour than we have ever been.. we are learning how much we are needing Him and nothing is more precious to us than knowing Him more, in His sufferings and in His victory..

Our core longings are being met, walking so closely we can see the way He looks into our eyes...we know He loves us, because he faithfully has been staying with us... could it be that He considers us worthy of His love and even His own life? 


How wonderful that this truth might penetrate our hearts and maybe one day we will believe it fully...


Wondering what you have for me Lord... driving home, still soaring on Eagle's Wings I received some texts and had 2 phone calls....more pain and conflict...I guess I was asking for it when I stated that one thing I learned is to face my life with open arms inviting the pain, because it makes me draw even closer to the Lover of my Soul, my Redeemer and best friend... He will never let me down..


Thank you, Lord...