.... not fitting in ...

.....You are Holy, Holy are you Lord God Almighty, Worthy is the Lamb, Worthy is the Lamb....
my mother is doing amazingly well... hardly any tubes left from the 15 we started out with... feeding tube still in but might be removed tomorrow... if she can eat enough herself... so far neither her appetite nor her stamina are quite up for that...
it was my father's 73rd birthday today... celebration in the ICU... with cake, candles, presents... my mother had some cake too, and a coffee... these nurses are just too wonderful...
a full day... no minute to myself until now.. and as family life returns to "normal" I am confronted with the fact that I just don't fit in.... the only child with black hair I have always called myself "the black sheep" of the family...
the only one that kind of broke free, not involved with the family business... the "bad" one that decided to stand with her husband... not sacrificing the new family for the sake of the "old"....the fanatic one, the one that didn't really want anything to do with astrology, new age and other stuff like this any more.. not in awe of "successful" people, people with titles, position and money...
finding myself sitting in the hospital and listening to the conversation.... feeling sad and alone... tomorrow my sister is leaving ... her little kids need her back... and I am sad about that too... at least she is another "fanatic"... I am so thankful for what the last few months have brought for the two of us...

can't help to be sad, because they are just not understanding what life is really all about... and I am not saying this to be proud or boastful in any way... they would say I am arrogant, to claim that "my way" of
looking at things is the only right way... my heart is aching ... I was hoping that what happened 10 days ago would open their eyes.... and it still might...
the truth is, I just don't fit in.... I am the weird one that was lying in bed as a child wondering what life was all about... reading my bible from beginning to end not only once... too excited about little memory verse cards I brought home from Kindergarten...

a wonderful thing was my daughter telling my mom on the phone today that she has prayed for her.... it warmed my heart she would say that to her... I know she has... and it makes me happy..
have been feeling so alone... magnifying the fact that I am, alone, that in a time like this it would be so nice to have a husband, someone to put his arms around me and hold me and tell me all will be fine... have been telling this to my father, my mother, my kids... and again, I can be the strong one, because in my weakness He is strong... but I still would so love to know if the Lord will bring me this man that could love a fanatic black sheep...  one who would be stronger than me... a shoulder to lean on...
..a little worn down from all of this...
tomorrow is another day that the Lord has made... and I will rejoice and be glad in it.... because He will be with me... and I am not alone...even though I might feel that way again....

....lay down the burden of your heart...

.. wow.... so fragile, so weak... so easily exhausted... taking two sips of water... eating a few spoonfuls of mashed potatoes... feeling the need to communicate... fever up, breathing laboured... rest desperately needed... overdoing it because that's just who she is...
there will be so much to learn for my mother... always the doer... controlling everything.... she will have to realize she needs to step back....
talking about how much "luck" she had.... my brother and her...
other than emotional I am also a black and white , analytical truth seeker... it makes so much more sense for me to rely on and trust the God of the Universe ( and they believe in Him... no question about that) to take care of my needs... than hope for and then credit "luck"... takes a lot more faith ...
my daughters and my sisters in Christ stepping in, taking care of my responsibilities at home... freeing me up to stay here with my mother for a bit longer... such a blessing... I am forever grateful to them being Christ to me...
when surrounded by the unforgiveness and bitterness of those that are not aware of their need for forgiveness... I am taking another step in growing in my faith, my trust in God... where will they go... will they ever understand... will they ever surrender? it is so hard watching the torment and seeing so clearly what is going on yet not being able to change anything for them.. I have shared where my hope comes from... I have been ridiculed and mistreated for it... I have been misunderstood and hated... I have lived it out in front of them, sometimes better, sometimes worse...
realizing that this too is up to Him all alone... that I need to live to bring Him glory and if it is in His plan He will save them.....

like it says in 1 Corinthians 3: 6+7 "I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow.  So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow."

Don't like it... wish I could make it happen... the way it goes now my prayer is that I am not hindering what God is doing.... understanding once again that it is Him... not me....
fighting it... but finally giving in... feeling relieved... a burden placed at His altar... into His capable hands... this is where I leave them.... climbing up into His lap... looking into His loving eyes... and I do not worry anymore... cancer, strife, hatred..... nothing is too big for my Jesus to deal with ......
My God is good, so strong and so mighty, there is nothing my God cannot do!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lay down the burden of your heart,

 you know you'll never miss it,

lay down the burden of your heart

and let your Daddy fix it...

( Amy Grant )

... hope that never disappoints... day 9 in the ICU...

bad day all around yesterday... darkness creeping in... trying to envelope us... standing firm, relying on His strength...exhausted and depleted.. going to the well... the water that satisfies... the Living Water...
the "truce" between opponents coming to an end... heart wrenching... so needless and so WRONG...
praying for God's will to be done, no matter what that will mean... because in the end, it is always the very best for us..

today...coming to the ICU.... my mother in the chair again, looking at us and for the first time really understanding what is going on... for a while, a real conversation, feeding her some oatmeal, even a few sips of coffee.... before exhausted she drifts back into the confusion and tells us all kinds of stories.. trying to figure out what is reality and what is drug induced dreams and nightmares...

exhausted, she is now taking a little nap... we will go back later this afternoon... back home, regrouping, gathering some more strength .. for the next encounter...

living in a world, ravaged by sin, disease, bitterness and heartache... I cannot contain my gratitude to the One who came and took all my guilt and shame and gave me a hope that will never disappoint, a hope not necessarily in all working out the way I would like it but for the Author and Perfecter of my faith to have won the victory and safely bring me to His Heavenly Kingdom...

 walking through a very dark place... His light leading the way through this darkness, that He alone can enlighten... my prayer: your will not mine... holding on to Him for dear life.. I know He will never leave me or forsake me... Father, open the eyes of those that do not know you... let their heart grow ears and give them your wisdom to see who they are and to realize they need you..... I will by your strength try to walk with you... so that they may know.... it is all from you.... Amen

.... my hope is in you ALONE....

Why are you downcast, O my soul? 

   Why so disturbed within me? 

Put your hope in God, 

   for I will yet praise him, 

   my Savior and my God.

got some not so good news today... the tumor is cancer... I had chosen not to worry about it and God had given me real peace ... I am still at peace, but this has kind of put a damper on our excitement and relief... a whole new set of issues to deal with, but... like the Psalmist said... putting my hope in Him, I can still praise Him... no matter our circumstances, He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow....His lovingkindness never fails, He is faithful and full of love and mercy... when asked to come to the surgeons office this morning, fear wanted to grip my heart and all I could pray was "have mercy Lord, have mercy on us." I admit that I would really want to just hide, wish I had someone to make it all better, somehow like my Mama was doing it for me when I was a child... want to make it all better for her... and then I realize, I do not have to hide... I have to put my hope in Him....

Show me your ways, O LORD, 

   teach me your paths; 

 guide me in your truth and teach me, 

   for you are God my Savior, 

   and my hope is in you all day long. 

  Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, 

   for they are from of old.

He remembers, He is Mercy, He is Love, He is Care... and once again, as much as I am asking Him to save my mother's life and let us have her with us for many, many years yet, my desperate prayer is for her, my father and my mother's soul to be saved... for eternity..... 

in our weakness He is strong... and I have no problem admitting just how weak I am... my body is showing me "literally" so to speak, that I cannot digest any more.... I am tired and I am worn out... I would like to stay here until she is better but I won't be able to... I am torn..... but He is GREATER than anything that I am not able to deal with on my own... eternally thankful to Him..

... "we can go home now"

"... we can go home now... they didn't give you anything to drink either?  I am so happy you are all here... we have to go home now... how are your kids.. "
we told her she is a great mom and she smiled... and said we are good kids... and that she is happy we are here now... she asked why she was there and we just told her she had a bad stomach ache...
when asking for something to help her thirst she was not too happy she only got her mouth wiped out with a little sponge soaked in some tea... when the nurse explained that she couldn't quite swallow yet she  said something like, come on, thats not true.... my youngest daughter commented on that one: "Regular Oma"

do you know how precious that is?????? we were told that there might be damage to the brain... well,  as soon as she could she was trying to communicate... she definitely still is who she is... the smile was not leaving my face the whole 3 hours we were staying with her this evening ...
one of the "best nurse in the whole wide world club" members was there and let us massage my mothers feet and legs again... this time she was aware what we were doing for her... we helped with washing her and putting her own lotion and deodorant on her...  she smelled like herself again and she definitely enjoyed that...
helping to sit her up on the bed for a few minutes was the last thing we did tonite... after that my mother fell asleep..totally exhausted... just after the nurse told her she was brave and she said: yeah.......
washing her battered body, taking care of her was such a tremendous privilege... giving back to my mother who has taken care of all 3 of us when we needed it, it is a blessing to be able to do that for her... to experience your mother so vulnerable becomes quite a precious experience... no fear, just gratitude and love... trusting Him to love her more than we do and we love her VERY MUCH....  we praise the Lord and will continue to Praise Him, for He alone is worthy of our praise... our Abba Father...

.... Praise be to Him, from whom all blessings flow...

...told nurse Esther today that she is a member of the  " best nurses of the whole wide world club" I think she was pleased....
talking a bit more with my sister today about how  "Fallen man is not simply an imperfect creature who needs improvement: he is a rebel who must lay down his arms"  (CSLewis) and therefore will rather find all kind of other explanations for blessings... like, this is a very small hospital, no wonder the nurses are nice.... good karma, fate is meaning well 
(makes me sick) rather than attributing it to the One from whom all blessings flow.
we all are enemies of God until he opens our eyes and gives us His Spirit and with it His mind and prayer, and all of a sudden we DO KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that it is all from Him... anything good is from Him... if we asked Him or not... doesn't matter at all...
So all I can say today is Thank you... Thank you... Thank you...
my mother was able to breathe very well on her own all night, so the tube was taken out  early afternoon... she woke up enough to put the Epidural in at around 5 and is now not feeling any more pain from the wound in her stomach... I had my first Epidural when my oldest was born, almost 23 years ago... since then this, like most things has been improved a lot... this one is just numbing something like a belt around her midsection, where all the pain is coming from, she still will be able to move her legs... how amazing is that...is Science and Scientist to be thanked now? Yes, but all their intelligence and abilities are also from God... anything good in us, anything good we are ever able to do and accomplish is FROM GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! like my tattoo says: SOLI DEO GLORIA!!!! 
To Him ALONE be the glory!!!

... little / huge joys in the ICU

... she nodded her head.... yes, she did... when the nurse asked if she was thirsty tonite... she nodded her head.... she really communicated.... something so small, so taken for granted usually... and something so huge... it makes me cry.... member # 3  inaugurated into  the "nicest nurses in the whole wide world club", she is with my mother tonite...  what a wonderful lady... when we were talking about what to bring to help my mother remember, lotions and stuff she usually uses, she gave us some baby oil mixed with lavender oil and my sister and I massaged my mother's feet for a very long time... pulse and blood pressure nicely relaxed... oh what a wonderful thing to be able to do for her....
tomorrow they will decide if she can get an Epidural for the pain in her stomach.. this would mean she could come off the pain meds which again would allow them to extubate her .... the ventilator set for tonight to let her breath alone pretty much, to train her muscles in this area  a bit...
wow.... all good thing come from the Father in Heaven... all good things... like tubes, medications, wonderful nurses and doctors... looking into the eyes of my mother,  caring Ex-husbands, hugging someone  who without what Jesus has done I would not have been able to forgive... such deep connection between sisters... finally able to leave 46 year old "grudges" behind...
All good things come from the Father in Heaven... so thankful I know that for a fact.... so thankful to Him....
as I am in my bed, listening to my most fav singer singing wonderful worship songs I cannot contain my tears.. so thankful He cares...  but longing for a man at my side to share the joys and sorrows with...  always bittersweet because I am alone... Jesus right here to catch me when I feel this way.... but... my mother nodded... she really, really did....... Thanks be to God... He ROCKS!!!!!!!!

...@ hospital... day 6

..definitely so much more awake.. so wonderful to look into her eyes, she can now focus for a little while.. pretty sure she knows we are there... strong reaction, pulse and blood pressure going up quite a bit when she opens her eyes and tries to lift her head...
at the same time she realizes how much all these tubes are bothering and hurting her.... no roses without thorns .... not an easy road...




..less sedation allows her body to function better, muscles to work, less painkiller allows the intestines to work better... a lot of pain stresses her... circulation has to get stronger on it's own before the tube that goes down her larynx can be removed, the fluid that was pumped into her to support her organs as they were dealing with the septic shock during the first few days ( a total of 14 liter!!!!) needs to be eliminated, for that blood pressure and pulse need to be strong enough on their own... it seems it is hard to find a balance, but somehow her body has been responding relatively well..... the woman in this ICU bed today looked so much more like my mother than before, it made me glad but at the same time so much more aware how difficult it will be.....
we can't wait for her to wake up, for her this means she is becoming aware more and more what is happening to her, she will have to find out that she almost died, has had a piece of her intestine removed, has to deal with a colostomy for at least 3 months, eventually she will have to learn that a tumor was found... we definitely will not tell her that right away... still praying for it to be benign... 
this will be very traumatic for her... 
so thankful though that we are having to deal with those problems now.. the alternative would have been devastating...
"in this world you will have trouble, but I have overcome the world..."
He is going to be there for the long run... if through this all my mother finally will surrender and realize her need for a relationship with Jesus Christ it will have been worth the trouble and pain...
looking for her medication to let the nurse know what she was on I saw all the books and little cards she surrounds herself with... it makes me angry how deceitful Satan is.. all those titles sound so enticing... so close to the real thing to trick unsuspecting people that want to strive to be a good person - many of the goals right along with what God has for us -... into believing they can, have to do it on their own... leading them further and further away from the One and Only who is the answer to all the questions of life....
the time we have here is gone in a blink of an eye.... it is over before we know it ... realized that 6 days ago... fights and quarrels such a waste of time... need to pray more and talk less.... ask to have the grace not to take things personally and get defensive but rather allow Christ's love to flow freely from me to those around me... can't do it on my own, but He can... need my mother, father and brother to meet HIM....

... wounds so raw......

... it is clearer today than ever before... blogging is therapy for me... back in my room, trying to find some time away to recuperate...the emotional stress is taking it's toll..... I need to retreat and try to figure some stuff out....
only good news and further recovery for my mother... patience is all we need to have.... can't wait for her to really understand how much I love her... on Tuesday we will hear if the tumor that was removed is cancerous... there might be a whole different scenario to deal with then... not going there right now though, why borrow trouble from tomorrow.... today has enough of it's own...
the rest of the equation has received a few more components... seeing someone for the first time since the summer of 2009... meeting possible because forgiveness was extended and reconciliation pursued by me in response to what my Jesus was telling me... meeting in person, in a place where for 17 years my husband, me and my kids would go together... where the affair was ( at least that's what I was told)  consummated... where last February a trip planned for me and my husband, the two of them spent the time instead... the place where my 3 children stayed for a week this February, to celebrate his birthday with his fiancee and her family....
the onslaught of memories and pain is a bit overwhelming right now and I am asking all of my friends that read this to pray for some extra comfort for me.....
the brokenness of my life so evident... the relationships in my family so complicated .... I am exhausted....
I am rejoicing in the fact that even though 5 days ago it looked like I was losing my mother, today I am encouraged and full of hope that she will recover...
I am rejoicing that a relationship I thought could never be repaired is as mended as it can be.... I know that all of this is a blessing from the Lord.... I need Him so much... right now, I really would rather continue writing and hide in my room than sit down to dinner with everyone... my heart has been broken and even though my faithful Lord has been mending and healing it... just now the wounds feel quite raw again.... I am pretty sure that my Abba is carrying me right now... otherwise I think I couldn't continue to walk...... He loves me so much.... it literally takes my breath away....

...after another hospital visit....Agape love...

love... feelings of affection, connection, deep understanding, closeness, a willingness to do anything to help the other.... patience in relating, forgiving wrongs, a "bonus" the other can never use up.. deepest caring, wanting to share time, experiences, a longing to make the other happy, rejoicing with one another, compassion for the other....
coming back from another few hours with my mom, I am trying to express what those feelings of love I have for her are really all about...
sneaking into her bed at night, when she was still up doing stuff... just because it smelled like her and feeling so loved and protected... waking up from my 2nd C-Section after being put under , confused and scared, I called out for her.... apart from me she is the biggest fan of my kids, I am always excited to share their cute moments with her... the one I came to for advise on how to be a mother, the one I trust to tell me if an outfit looks good on me...

love... letting go of hurt feelings, deep, deep hurts, because she IS my mother and I love her...
I am an intense person and when I love I love.... this feeling usually is too hard to contain... it bursts out of me... looking at my mother for hours, the way she is breathing through that tube...  her hair brushed back and her hands and arms... well really her whole body all poked and bruised, makes me all choked up and  feeling such compassion I don't really know how to contain it...

these feelings of sadness I was speaking about earlier are because I am not able to take away the pain...
telling her how much I love her and using words of endearment I really only use for my children, because no matter how old they are the will always be my little "Mausis".... is all I can do.. feeling such motherly feelings for my mother now, mixed with the gratitude and love I have for her for being my mother...

the last 10-12 years of our relationship were harder but the years before were wonderful and close... I have not forgotten , could never forget how much I love this woman.... studying her face for so many hours, afraid that this was the last time I would see her at first .... I thank the Lord for giving us the ability to love, for a mother like mine to be a good and caring mother, to teach me how to be a mom, what a wonderful blessing.... I am praying that when she gets better that we will be able to establish our relationship on a much deeper level than it even was 10 years ago... my prayer is for her to finally experience the love the Father has for her, that she could soak it in and let go of all bitterness and anger... that I could minister to her wounded heart and love her with the love Jesus has for her.... like putting ointment on her soul like I did on her dry lips today.... smoothing over the rough spots.....
Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrong, love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes always perseveres.... I learned to love my husband this way,  when he had had an affair for a year already.... it was too late .... I knew that God was not a mean guy... there had to be a reason he taught me when he taught me, even though it didn't change anything for our marriage.... maybe this time I can use this love, the AGAPE love on someone, and this time it is not too late.... wouldn't it be wonderful.....

..@ hospital day 4

... another day in beautiful, sunny Celerina, Switzerland, ... already spend 4 1/2 hours in the ICU of the "Oberengadiner Spital" the little hospital outfitted with Swiss precision and perfectionism... and thank the Lord for that... technology and science are quite amazing... a little hospital, with a total of 10 beds in the ICU, there have only been 2 patients the whole time we have been there, my mother and one man in the next room.... very competent nurses and doctors have made this experience as good as something like this can be for us....
talking to the Dr in charge this afternoon he stated that where my mother is today is the best possible state of recovery she could be in right now, when he painted best case scenario for us on Tuesday, when worst case scenario would have been that she wasn't going to make the night, where she is today was exactly what he said... no set backs and a little itty bit of improvement each day.... he keeps on stressing that patience will be needed and that recovering from a septic shock will take a very long time...
best prognosis is now that she might have to stay in ICU for another 4 days... if all continues to work out and no secondary infection occurs....
while being with my mom she again was coming up a bit out of her sedation, lifting up her arms and "fighting" against all the tubes ... so far this has never failed to bring tears to my eyes, she obviously is scared, in pain and has no idea what is going on, holding her arms and telling her all will be fine is all we can do.... one of those moments today she looked at me and I am sure she saw me...
patience... it is hard, now that the fear of losing her has pretty much left me I so want to be able to communicate and know that she understands... we are always talking to her and are holding her hands, and I am sure on some subconscious level she knows we are there... but it will be so amazing to look her in the eyes and connect on that level again...
the extent of stress this week has brought, is wearing all of us down.... I am so thankful for how the Lord has been with us and has been at work in my mother... I am not sure how I could have made it without Him, He is the One who gives me strength ... so yes, I have been strong and at peace....
but, if I have learned anything through the last 18 months going through the break up of my marriage, it is that yes, because of Him, I am strong , but that at the same time I am also broken, sad, in pain..... real feelings... I am not immune to those, I can function and deal with them better, but they are still all there...
that's when I need the time alone for me to recharge and find the comfort in my best friend... the lover of my soul.....
when I am resting my head against His shoulder ( and it is a very soft shirt material that I can feel against my cheek.. yes, that's how real it is) and His arms are holding me, the tension flows away, the burdens are lifted and new hope and strength fills my heart..... I am in desperate need of some me and Jesus time right now.... so grateful that He always has time for me.....

..@ hospital.. day 3

.. Praise the LORD, O my soul; 

   all my inmost being, praise his holy name. 

 Praise the LORD, O my soul, 

   and forget not all his benefits— 

 who forgives all your sins 

   and heals all your diseases, 

 who redeems your life from the pit 

   and crowns you with love and compassion, 

 who satisfies your desires with good things 

   so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

 Psalm 103... this is what I have been praying over and for my Mama for the last few days....

God has blessed us with such peace about her and all that is going on... but still, today's surgery we were warned would again take her back to where she was Monday, in critical condition, with a whole set of new complications that could arise.....  waiting after seeing her only for a short while this morning to hear  from the Dr. 4 hours later turned out to be quite okay.. blown away by the peace that passes all understanding...

..a little afraid of how she would be when we were allowed back in the ICU..  relieved and amazed by how well she looked , taken off the NorAdrenalin she had been on since Monday, her blood pressure stable by itself for the first time... unbelievable...still sedated.. still a very long potentially scary road to recovery but so far each day, even today has brought better news...

the fact that through the unfortunate and life threatening event that happened on Monday a tumor was found is a miracle, praise be to God, the fact that even though this was an occurrence with a 20-30% mortality rate ( bigger the older you are) each day has been better than the one before, miracle... spending time together in a crisis like this.. getting along and having meaningful and constructive talks... huge miracle... 

life for our family will drastically change... this event has now officially made us the "Sandwich generation", my brother, my sister and I, taking care of our aging parents will definitely become a significant part of our lives, while we are still parenting our children... ( we are the "Ham" in the middle ..get it?)

another amazing blessing is the closeness I have found with my dear sister, a work the Lord had already begun a while ago, praying together all night sitting by your very sick mother forms a bond much stronger than 46 years being sisters did... 

I praise you, oh Lord, you are unbelievably AMAZING... who are we that you are mindful of us?

entrusting my mother's physical and spiritual health to you is not a very hard thing to do... it is a privilege and a blessing to know that this is what you want from me.... Your love is amazing....

@ the hospital day 2

I love my mother... I love her very, very much... to spend hours at her bed side, her looking so helpless, so fragile, so many machines and tubes and sounds and lights and.... it tends to put things into perspective...
yes, she might have been controlling, manipulative, negative, bitter and sometimes tooooo easily angered... she was not there for me when I had to go through the most horrible time in my life... but who cares?
She is my mother... and I love her... tears continue to come, anytime I look at her, when she , totally sedated and confused fights the nurse when doing things, seeing her facial expressions of fear and pain, it breaks my heart and I am feeling the over-protective unconditional love one has for her children... I would like to crawl up on her bed and hold her and take away any pain, happily suffering it for her... if only I could... today, she has been a lot more stable, no fever anymore, some functions becoming more normal with less meds... when spending 4 hours with her early this morning, I recited scripture, prayed and sang to  her, all the german lullabies I have been singing to my kids over the years... stroking her hair, holding her hand and kissing her precious face...
I am at peace, my Abba Father is holding me, I am leaning my head on His shoulder... in the place where it fits perfectly and I am feeling His warmth and love flowing into me... He has givien me His hope for my mother.... and even though tomorrow's surgery will mean more potential complications and for sure a set back... I am trusting Him... with all my heart, soul and mind...
on top of all that I have had the most wonderful talks with my brother... open like never before to hearing me...not debating the validity of my faith but telling Him about His loving Father in Heaven...
there is, again, and it shouldn't surprise us, beauty in the turmoil....
I praise you my faithful God!! SOLI DEO GLORIA

.. hospital visit # 1 please pray....

...driving first up and then down the Julier Pass, 2200m above sea level, after having been on 2 plane rides, one from Toronto to Munich, then on to Zuerich, so nauseous and dizzy, we finally drove through the round about that takes us to the little town Celerina where my parents live in the Winter... made me think that exactly 24 hours before I had driven through another round about on my way to the Center in Cambridge... right about there is where I received a text message from my brother.. “Mother in hospital with excruciating stomach pain”... little did I know then that  24 hours later I was going to be only a few minutes away from visiting my mother in the ICU ...
the good news was that she had survived the surgery to deal with a perforated  / burst intestine... “cleaning” out the abdominal cavity, her body going into shock because of the onslaught of germs and other horrible stuff.... a big tumor cut out of her intestine and a big piece of it too, a stoma put in place and the incision kept open for “2nd look” surgery, to clean out her intestines again in 3 days.... on the respirator to help her breath, on  about 7 IV’s with different meds... a feeding tube through the nose to motivate the intestines to start working again, by feeding her tea.... flooding her body with fluids to keep the organs dealing with the over reacting immune system functioning as well as they can...
my mother in a sedated state, not “awake”, just lying there....
thankful she has made it that far, and scared out of my mind to see her like this... fighting tears as I am taking her hand, I told everyone we had to pray... and so we did... I have been praying consistently since I heard... many others have and I am eternally thankful for that...
the doctors are doing an amazing job and science and technology are mind boggling...
recovering from a trauma like this for a 70 year old body still seems too big a mountain... too many things can go wrong, so many things have to go right... this is going to change my mother’s life forever, the next weeks, months potentially nightmarish to say the least...
in the light of such circumstances, dysfunction and family trouble take their deserved back seat... here we are, my brother, my sister and my father, all gathered around my mother just lying there....
..if I was not a child of the Great Physician, the Creator of the exact body that just suffered such trauma, the Sovereign God... I would have to go crazy with fear and anxiety.... and, I am not saying I am not scared, I am, but... I continue to go to the throne of the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, I recite to Him His promises and I claim them for my mother... He is the one who is in control, He is the only one who can heal her...
so I am choosing to trust Him because He is trustworthy... I know He has the best in mind for all of us...
belonging to the Kingdom of God I am blessed to be surrounded by my family of God, people that care enough to comment on facebook and telling me they are praying, to text and ask for updates... once again it is proven to be true, the bond we have is deeper than anything... it binds us together in love for each other, it spurns us on to encourage one another, to rejoice together, to mourn together and to pray together...
please keep on praying.... she is far from being out of the woods.... but He is with her, so she is in very good hands...
Love you all!!!!!

.... what is truth??????

living in this world, even in churches that are made up of born again believers, sin still remains part of the make-up. there is gossip, unforgiveness, jealousy, envy, even lies....
through all my life I have always been bothered by lies the most... realizing that sometimes liars believe their own lies to be the truth, loosing sight of what truth / reality is... sometimes it is just that everyone sees the truth from their point of view... trying to accept this I think is what has led today's world to say there is no ultimate truth... as a Christian, believing what theBible says, I do not agree with that.
there always is truth,  no matter how distorted it gets by being filtered through our own experiences, hang ups and issues...

this is what the Webster's Dictionary from 1828 says truth is:
Conformity to fact or reality; exact accordance with that which is, or has been, or shall be. The truth of history constitutes its whole value. We rely on the truth of the scriptural prophecies.
Conformity of words to thoughts, which is called moral truth.
Veracity; purity from falsehood; practice of speaking truth; habitual disposition to speak truth; as when we say, a man is a man of truth.
Correct opinion. Fidelity; constancy. Honesty; virtue. Sincerity The truth of God, is his veracity and faithfulness. Ps.71.
Jesus Christ is called the truth. John 14. To do truth, is to practice what God commands. John 3.

isn't it interesting that a dictionary in 1828 would have used the Bible as a reference to explain what truth is? This is what the Bible says...

John 1:14, 16, 17 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given.  For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.
John 8: 31+32  If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.  Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
John 14:6,7,15-17 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.  If you really know me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.” “If you love me, keep my commands.  And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever—  the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.

so, lying... considering there is a lie at the source of every sin, this is serious... lying could also be telling half truths, sharing only part of what happened, keeping things that would allow others to understand the full truth hidden...
as Christians, we are called to do everything we can to find out the whole truth, without jumping to conclusions and gossiping about it, .. this might be very hard, go against our feelings, but we cannot just see one side and let that cloud our judgement... there is only one that will benefit from this, and we do not want to help him now, do we?

... hope.. is it for real?

...hope... a four letter word... so important to have in any circumstance.... let's see what the dictionary says it means:
to expect with confidence , to cherish a desire with anticipation
to wish for, to expect, but without certainty of the fulfillment; to desire very much, but with no real assurance of getting your desire.
in Scripture, according to the Hebrew and Greek words translated by the word “hope” and according to the biblical usage, hope is an indication of certainty.

“Hope” in Scripture means “a strong and confident expectation.” Though archaic today in modern terms, hope is similar to trust and a confident expectation.
Hope may refer to the activity of hoping, or to the object hoped for—the content of one’s hope. By its very nature, hope stresses two things:  futurity, and invisibility. It deals with things we can’t see or haven’t received or both .
..growing up hoping for a good outcome sometimes seemed to have to do something with someone crossing their fingers for you... actually in german you "press your thumbs"  ..closing your fingers around your thumbs and squeezing them.... hilarious... and how did we think this was going to make any difference...
hope for a better outcome is what gives us the courage to keep on going when the going get's tough but really, what is our hope based on?  it really is only based on the possibility that things can go either way... nice and dandy but really nothing too concrete.. not really helping...
in scripture, God's Word spoken to us, the source of my hope is clear...my hope is in the Creator of the Universe, my hope is in how powerful He is, it is in His goodness, His love, His mercy, His understanding and in His grace.. so really in Who He is...

Romans 5:3-5 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Psalm 25:3 No one whose hope is in you  will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Jeremiah 29:11
I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future...

the Bible is full of so many promises that give us hope, it tells us where our hope comes from and who God is... I can know all this not only in my head but also in my heart.... I am not relying on some magical thumb squeezing but on the One I have this eternal relationship with, the One that has not only sent His own Son to die for me but has also revealed Himself and His plan to me in His Word...
it can't get any better than that....

...unexpected punches out of nowhere...

.. it's like an earthquake, shaking up what was presumed to be peaceful, solid ground... coming out of nowhere,  leaving me curled up on my bed.. falling asleep with tears flowing, whimpering like a wounded animal... AGAIN.... drifting away as a measure of escape...
u'd think someone my age would know herself a bit better... what is it about the break up of a family that continues to allow punches to hit so totally unexpectedly..
waking up with the sick feeling in my stomach.. knowing that another consequence has come up that needs to be lived through, oh....to be able to escape...
connecting with a friend this morning one thing we shared was that maturing and "growing up" comes with understanding and accepting that there are things we just have to face, as something that just "is what it is"... and that as much as we would like to change it we have to be courageous and make the best out of it, not necessarily for ourselves but for others, like our own children...
so today... I wish it was over... I wish it would finally be done .. I wish I wasn't knocked out like that anymore... and as much as I know that nothing will be able to shake me, or destroy me, because my house is build on the solid Rock,  still,  fifteen months later I so would wish  the punches in the stomach would stop....
I was planning to meet with another friend today, then work on some stuff for the center, instead I was debilitated , trying to regain my equilibrium, getting together the courage to continue on the path that has become mine... trusting Him for the strength to get up from my bed, wipe the tears off my face and keep on keeping on... one minute at a time..
the question I have is:  Will it end?

... pouring out my brokenness.....

... sometimes I wish I  lived when Jesus was walking this earth, I would have wanted to be Mary, sitting by His feet and listening to what He had to say, soaking in His presence, basking in His gentleness and love.... hearing truth , spoken by the "Way the Truth and the Life"..... but then I would have had to go through the heartache of losing Him, seeing Him again, just for Him to leave for good... to have known Him "personally" though would have been so amazing... wondering if I would have loved Him more than I do now... or believe in Him more...

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him (1 Peter 1:8 )

Loving Him, enjoying His presence.. staying at His feet, pouring out my love, my heartache and my sadness... my joy and my excitement... my worries and my brokenness...letting go of any selfish notion.. makes me think of a new favorite song...

Here before Your altar

I am letting go of all I've held

Of every motive, every burden

Everything that's of myself

And I just wanna wait on You, my God

I just wanna dwell on who You are

Beautiful, beautiful

Oh, I am lost for more to say

Beautiful, beautiful

Oh Lord You're beautiful to me

Here in Your presence

I am not afraid of brokenness

To wash Your feet with humble tears

I would be poured out till nothing's left

And I just wanna wait on You, my God

I just wanna dwell on who You are

I just want to dwell on who He is, how much He loves me, how much I love Him, and how I can serve Him and follow Him...

I am still wishing though I was there when He was... because sometimes I feel He isn't there. sometimes I am feeling alone, I know that He is always there, but sometimes His presence escapes me..  I am a touchy, feely kind of person and to be able to really see Him will one day be just amazing...

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." ( Hebrews 11:1 )

considering that faith is a gift from Him... I am going to hold on to what I know to be true... that His presence is always there, that He walks with me wherever I go...

because that is what His Word, the truth, says: "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” ( Matthew 28: 20 )

..I am looking forward to seeing Him in all His glory when He takes me home one day... and I am sure that He will...

...my Husband...

finished reading the book "Single, Married, Separated , and Life after Divorce"..... good to read all the things the Lord has been teaching me throughout my walk with Him nicely organized in chapters... forgiveness and openness the key to healing, accepting that the trauma of tearing apart what had become one takes time to heal, finding healing and acceptance, a restored heart and soul in Christ Alone, not in a new relationship, taking time to be in "intensive care" alone with Him, and moving on to the healing in community... companionship with sisters in Christ and family, learning that God made me whole and unique ... being wise and making good choices for the future, taking care of all areas of my life, appreciating the help I am getting..learning from mistakes I made in choosing my partner and and being a godly wife, accepting my part in the failure of my marriage, even though I was not the one ending it.. knowing that a failed marriage does not make me a failure... understanding that my God in His infinite wisdom has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future..... 

This future may or may not include another husband... a flesh and blood one... but this is true for me:

For your Maker is your husband— 

   the LORD Almighty is his name— 

the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; 

   he is called the God of all the earth. 

 The LORD will call you back 

   as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit— 

a wife who married young, 

   only to be rejected,” says your God.

 Isaiah 54:5+6

a vow made in the presence of the Lord, a commitment, broken, the greek word for divorce means "defection"... the one to leave a marriage a defector, choosing to not "stick to and chase after" ( that's what cleaving means ) the wife of his choosing anymore.. the husband is the one doing the chasing... as it says in Genesis, it is the man that leaves his father and mother to "cleave" to His wife... not an unforgivable sin, but one to repent from and sin no more... found myself asking my Ex husband to never lie to the new woman in his life... to not put her through what I had to go through ...

my prayer for me, my children and anyone who is close to me is that  we would be wise and seek the Lord's will... try to walk with Him, not ahead of Him, let Him be the One to call the shots... give Him the role only He can successfully play... after all, I am a sheep and He is the Shepherd, He alone knows what is good for anyone of us...to know Him more and more is what I am striving for...

... showing love to a thousand generations..

I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.

Exodus 20 : 5 + 6

memorized this verse in January, wanting to have it available to me anytime I pray for my kids...

claiming this promise for my kids... I love God and try to keep His commandments as good as I can... so He promises to show love to my children for a thousand generations...

 a promise to hold on to, when things are difficult and we worry about where our children are heading...

thought of this again today.... not because of my children, but rather because of my own parents, and the dysfunction of my family. I am so thankful that He in His mercy and grace has chosen me before the beginning of the world to be His, has given me eyes to see and ears to hear, has freed me from the bondage of being the first generation of those that hate God... that are openly scorning His commandments ....

I have done nothing to deserve this.. giving my life for Him seems to small a Thank you.... I am so glad that by His grace and His strength chains can be broken and dysfunction can be overcome.. as much as I have not had the chance to change some of the patterns, by loving God I am giving my children a better chance...

by walking in forgiveness and mercy, by seeking Him and allowing them to see my desperate dependence on Him, I am breaking the pattern of that sin that has been keeping my family in bondage.. pride...

very sad to see the torment and destruction that are the fruit of resisting God and rejecting Him... not being able to admit mistakes and weaknesses, not surrendering and acknowledging that God is in control, that He is the One from whom all blessings flow... proudly claiming their success as their own and pointing a finger at anyone who does not live up to their expectations, never seeing how much they have let others down and hurt them....

it breaks my heart and I will not cease to plead with my God to open their eyes and unstop their ears, so that they too can find the forgiveness, the peace and the love that is only found in the One who is the Beginning and the End... the Alpha and Omega, the Prince of Peace, Almighty God, the King of Kings...

I will continue to try to live authentically before them, try to be an ambassador of Christ, allowing Him to shine His light through me... to be a light in the darkness... so that they too will spend eternity with Him... because no matter what hurt they are continuing to inflict, I do love them...

.... Tsunami... eternity: a top priority...

..earthquake, tsunami, hundreds and hundreds of people swept away and buried beneath rubble, nuclear reactors heating up...
..far, far away and yet so close in this day and age.. woke up to three e-mails from USGS, the United States geological Survey... ( signed up for these a few years ago and have been baffled ever since just how many earthquakes there are all the time)
twitter was already buzzing with calls to pray.... Tsunami warnings... thanks to the "connections" I had pretty much turned off last week I now could find out easily that my sister was safe, up on a hill, evacuated from her resort in Hawaii, the husband of a friend, in Japan, but safe, a man from our church already back from his trip to Japan...
the blessings of the "information age"....
still reeling from saddening changes in my church .. a doctor's appointment for my daughter to get to the bottom of a potentially serious health issue...
more news about some spiritual warfare going on in an unexpected place, affecting another of my children and me... a book in the mail from a treasured friend... confirming to me that being single is something very valuable... being unique, whole and complete... knowing who I am in Christ, what a blessing....
" in this world you will have trouble but I have overcome the world.." ( Jesus )
on a day like today, I am compelled even more to lift up all those who do not know my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ... on a day like today, when we are being confronted with how quickly our world can come tumbling down around us... from one second to the next the destination we are heading to for eternity can become top priority...
I am thankful that He has promised to take us safely to His Heavenly Kingdom if we only believe that He died on the cross for our sins and that we are forgiven and redeemed because of that. Making Him Lord of our life and living this earthly life for His Glory.... SOLI  DEO  GLORIA
May His power and healing grace be evident to the people of Japan today and always!

.... losing sight of the CONNECTION that counts...

facebook, twitter, blogging,... texting.... what did we do before we got so used to all these ways of communicating CONSTANTLY????

My mother used to make fun of me by saying my "eighties - baby" was growing up with the phone cord around her.. ( that was me talking to her for hours figuring out the secrets of motherhood )  

today's kids don't even know that phones had cords at one point in time... 

writing letters? I had a pen pal when I was a teenager, a girlfriend living about an hour away, we would write to each other pretty much as soon as the letter arrived, which would be a day after it was sent....

last Sunday I decided to get off facebook for some time and reduce my texting and twitter activities...

I realized I was receiving some of my affirmation and sense of importance through connecting with people that way...

I am energized by relating to others, I usually enjoy being together with my kids, my friends... I also have a profound need to be alone, which then makes the fact that I am "alone" as in no longer married so much more evident... so really, these devices have become even more important for me...

as I have been trying to find all I need in my relationship with God, I just decided I needed to get rid of the devices that make me feel less alone.. because , the truth is I am, I am not, because I do have my kids and my friends that love me,  but I am, because I am not a part of a couple ... the plan is to be fine with that... and I am, but then I am not other times..

Long story short... these last 4 days I have been praying a lot more and taking my loneliness to Him, rather than trying to distract myself by knowing everything everyone is sharing with everyone... wow... that's crazy anyways...

I am not signing off facebook for good.... just taking some time off...  ( I will actually post this on there today.... but just not go on ;)for a while, fixing my eyes on the eternal... he was enough the last 2000 years...  He is today, and He will be for the next 2000 years if this is the plan.....  I am fearfully and wonderfully made; my God does not make junk... I am complete and I am His beloved child, I have a purpose and He made me to long for Him... like the Donut man back then told my kids... our hearts are like donuts... they have a hole in the middle that only He can fill, no friends on facebook or followers on twitter or my blog.....  

So I am continuing to draw close to Him, because He promised to draw close to me then, He also said He would be found if I am seeking Him with all my heart... and I am, I surely am....

... Conflict.. Change... :(

... expectations... disappointments... conflict... change.... misunderstandings... anger... hurt..pain...unforgiveness, bitterness.....
as humans relate, no matter what level, personal or corporate... as spouses, friends, boss, employees, any of these things can happen, and do happen... it is something that cannot be avoided...
as Christians we are called to deal with conflict differently than the world, just heard a great sermon again today about how by our fruit and by our standing firm and living according to our beliefs we shall be known...
 so, when change happens, we don't like it... we don't necessarily know all that has led to the change... we might never know... we have to be careful not to jump to conclusions and take on a perceived offense... no one is helped by that..
 what are we to do when we are faced with things we don't want, don't understand and just are not okay with? well, if what we are proclaiming is true, then we need to trust God, who is sovereign to know what He is doing... we need to trust that He, as much as we can't get our head around it has the best interest of ALL in mind... both "sides" in a conflict that leads to change are going to learn something, are going to be more refined after going through this trial, for those that love God and surrender to Him He will work even these things out for the best...
as we are trusting Him for all of this what else can we do? I think we can pray... pray for everyone involved.. let go of our own emotions and be supportive to all who are going through the conflict and stress of hurt feelings and disappointments..
as humans we always want to take sides and find the party that is to blame ...justice, it's something we have a tremendous need for... realizing that this is not our job is a very important step... He who alone is just and holy is the one that needs to do this.. we, as His followers are to live the way He calls and enables us to, not judging anyone, but in love pray for and walk beside our brothers and sisters.... that does include both "sides".....
what to do, when painful changes unsettle us ?  Give all our fears, feelings and anxieties to God, trusting Him to guard our minds and hearts and give us the peace He has promised... leaving our burdens in HIs capable hands, lifting up those that are most affected by those changes and loving one another like Christ loves us....
"Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord.  Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many." ( Hebrews 12:14+15)
so many things we do not like... so much sadness in a life time.. accepting it as inevitable and trusting God as He works it out for the best for those that love Him... that's the best we can do.....

... life is a beautiful struggle????

human nature.... what's up with that? the flesh.... sinful nature... why the battle... that's my question.. okay, let's look at the facts:
Adam and Eve messed it up... yes, the fall, not a good thing, went all downhill from there...
really? and we are now lost because of that... well thank you very much... just kidding... if I know anything I know I would have done exactly what Eve did... I am curious, rebellious, and, if that man in my life is not taking his leadership role seriously and puts his foot down I will take what he told me ( and let's face it... he didn't tell Eve exactly what God had said... Adam!!!!!!!) question it and do what I want anyway... if tempted enough... and, considering a chocolate bar in my cupboard is something I cannot resist, how would I have been able to resist the serpent... deceiving and scheming, charming and playing into some secret desires... yup, it's for sure, would have caved as well...
so, since then we really had no freedom to choose what's right... no excuse for me today though..
Jesus came to redeem me, buy me back, from the one who had ownership of my soul... not only did He do that when I was saved, He also moved right into my heart... took up permanent residence...  and with Him, it is PERMANENT... because He is faithful and will never just give up on me and decide He just doesn't care enough anymore to stick around...
okay, so then... why still the struggle? I understand it is a process... some things are taken care of in an instant, some He gives us time to figure them out.. burns them away as He allows us to be confronted with our own wrong choices and sinfulness... don't like it...
last night was an exciting and at the same time very difficult night for me...
first of all, I was tired... and wired.... I drove the by now very familiar way to Cambridge, got there, and other than the few people I see when I am at the Center I did not know anyone..... came by MYSELF... considering I am single.. it sucks... anyways, on top of it I was now slowly getting a bit nervous.. didn't go there, but rather prayed again.. asked a few close friends to pray and trusted Him...
gave my little testimony, God carrying me through it with ease... He is sooooooo AMAZING.....
felt better after that, some people came up to me and spoke to me ... that was nice.. the evening went on, a Jazz pianist and singer was making music and it was nice... until he started playing one song that in the past had meant so much to me... my Ex husbands and my song.... "Unforgettable".... really????? not quite I guess..
tried to be okay but needed to get out of there then, driving home through the snow ( seriously!!!!!!!!) listening to my favourite love songs by Michael W Smith... praying most of the way and asking the One in my heart to be all I need.....
so, flesh, spirit... struggling... my spirit in communion with the Holy Spirit living in me knows exactly what's happening and that this is the best for me... my "humanness" is hurting and longing for something else... good to know, that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.. and I am sure He knows just how much I love Him... so I guess I do not need to worry..................  :(