I really and actually bought my first house last night... haven't paid for it yet, but it is going to be mine... kind of cool....At the Divorce Care meeting last night I realized again, that in this all, I am having a really "good divorce".... crazy, but true..
I have the relationship with my, still not but very soon to be, Ex-husband that I always would have liked to have, a relationship of mutual respect and appreciation.. weird , that we can do this now, and just never got it together before.
We have worked everything out without lawyers and we are getting along and... yes, hard to believe but we trust each other...
Over the last few days God has brought me to a place were today through the guidance of my beloved Counselor and friend I was able to get a grip on something that has been eluding me for all of my life...
As God has allowed me to find myself "single" for a longer period of time for the first time in my adult life, He is rewriting my view of myself...
For a little over 16 years I have known in my mind and more and more in my heart that I am a beloved and chosen child of God, that the Creator of the Universe actually sent His only Son into this world to die for me , so that I could be reconciled with Him, that I am the daughter of the King, a co-heir with Christ, free from condemnation, a delight to my father in Heaven, loved with an everlasting love.... and yet, until my husband walked out of my life, I was not aware that I was still believing a HUGE LIE, the lie that only when loved by a man I was whole and valuable...
Having been rejected and tossed in the garbage by the one who supposedly was giving me this value, I had been diminished to nothingness.. worthless, alone and only to be redeemed by the love of another man...
Today I am realizing that this is not the truth, that I am whole because that's how God made me and I am not defined by my relationship with a man. I am perfectly and wonderfully made by a all knowing, all powerful, amazing God... who loves me with an everlasting love.
Lack of the love of a father and many other hurtful circumstances had me in this place of feeling unworthy and in need of someone to give me value..
Thankfully God has been gently showing me more and more that He is the One that loves me and that I do not really need a relationship to define me, what defines me is Who I am in Christ I understand that I am a precious Jewel, made by the King, who deserves a man that cherishes and loves her like Christ loves the church...
I knew that, I believed that, but I was not aware that deep down inside I still doubted this
So today I am embracing singleness, I am surrendering my hopes and dreams, and I am going to try very hard to not take them back again...I am saying to my Father in Heaven that indeed He is enough for me and that I am going to trust Him. I am dedicating my life to Him and only if He calls me to a marriage will I enter into a relationship again...
.. because:
An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. (1 Cor 7:34)
And I am going to devote my life to Him first , my kids second and third to the people He by His grace will bring into my life to extend His love and healing to.
I am going to counter the lies when they come to my mind with the truth that I have been shown, I am going to choose to walk in obedience every step of my journey. I am going to live with the joy and the hope that only He can bring as I am staying closely in step with what He has for me... however this will look like.
