... so, on Monday, the day the offer for the new house became official... that Monday, the judge signed the Divorce papers and I got them in the mail today....Grief, the process one has to go through after a loss... learned about it at the Post Abortion Counseling Seminar, at DivorceCare, at the Women's Retreat and at the Adoption Advocate training I am doing.... have been learning about it personally for the last year and a bit.... the finality of it, the loss, since December 18 last year....
I have screamed, I have been in shock, I have been angry , I have been sad and depressed... I have forgiven and accepted, I have gotten new hope... and so shouldn't I be happy it is finally official, and, as the "goody two shoes Christian girl" I have been trying to be, I now am allowed to enter into a relationship if it so happened that this amazingly on fire for God, good looking, fun and serious at the same time, cool and computer savvy guy, who LOVES children and doggies...just walked up to me and wanted to take me out on a date..... how come all I am feeling is this profound sadness.....
I learned that the healing from the losses you experience does not go on a nicely uphill path... that there are ups and downs, and again, personally have been there.. just the last few days have been especially trying... with hashing it all through again with my mother, hearing what my cousin has been saying, how she rationalizes what she has done to me...with the kids celebrating Thanksgiving with their Dad and his girlfriend and them struggling emotionally with this too.......so really, this is to be expected and it is needed...
God is still who He is and He still loves me, I lost my husband, I lost his affection, his love, his commitment, his protection, my security, our future, our hopes and dreams, his support and help in every day things, I do not "belong" to anyone anymore and I am very hurt and LONELY, but I have not lost the one who will never leave me or forsake me...
All these feelings are highlighted today...I am processing as I am writing this, I need to. I know that my faithful Daddy is holding me tight and giving me all that I need, while He stays with me in the turmoil of this wave... until it all calms down again and He will put me on my feet and we will walk together again... oh what a friend I have in Jesus... what would I do without Him?
