I was having a test done on a few weeks ago at the hospital and because of that had a phone conversation with a nurse asking me many health related questions.. out of nowhere came this one:Have you ever been abused, physically, verbally, emotionally or sexually.....
it took me aback for a moment... did not expect a question like this to come up when having a colonoscopy done..
and then I answered yes .....just being honest.
when I hung up I was once again saddened that yes is the honest answer.
for 12 days before that phone conversation I had been taking care of my father, who, having struggled with Parkinson's for the last 10 years or so needs help and can't live alone anymore.
my sister takes care of him usually and I am forever grateful for her willingness to be the full time care taker for now.
hanging around and helping my father for many days, it was not surprising to me that his anger would erupt at some point in time.
feeble as he is, he no longer is a real threat, but the tone of his voice, the words he used and the blow I received, no matter it being weakened by what happens to your motor skills when you have this disease, nevertheless took me right back...
believing and "preaching" to everyone, those that want to hear it and those who do not want to hear it alike ;) that God is sovereign, I have come to terms with my past and have taken the prescribed steps to healing.
I have forgiven and I love. I forgive and I love. I pray. and I love. I ask for guidance and wisdom. and I love
I have to admit I have struggled when it happened. I was angry. I saw this man and what his behaviour has done to me. and how it has affected the people around me. and how it still continues to affect us all. I see where my need to protect my children from any anger that comes their way comes from. how my mother felt she needed to protect us. how the sin done by him led to more sin. how without knowing the Lord we came up with our own defense mechanisms, we didn't think we could trust any man...
when I finally met Jesus 24 years ago I understood and was able to surrender these things. it needed to be done not only once, but many times.
I trust God and I know He is trustworthy.
I am thankful that He just slowly chips away all that this hurt has distorted in me.
it's a process and it takes time.
it frustrates me that I am still struggling with this. not as much, but I still do.
new scenarios affected by it are just another way of refining me and all involved, making us continually look to Him who alone is worthy of our praise... when I trust Him I can come out from behind my walls, walls that were erected because life just was too scary and too painful...
so we keep on believing and entrusting... slowly looking up and opening the arms, arms that had to be so tightly wrapped around us... allowing the pain and the fear to be taken away...
He is a good, good Father.
Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator, while doing good.
1 Peter 4:19
