.......One instead of Four.. August 3, 2010

..and here I am again... up in the middle of the night... not alone though, everyone is home..in my bed today 1 child, 2 dogs..... not lonely, rather crowded...she hasn't done that in while, wanting to sleep in my bed...not since we moved here anyways...but today

my little Bekkie needed her mommy... it is all just too much for her..the freaking out and crying for an hour this afternoon... a wise friend suggested maybe this was more than just a hormonal teenager not wanting to help... but rather a little girl finding an outlet to let all the emotional stress flow out of her.... it is good to hug her and just hold her hours later, when she has calmed down and I can just love her.

As I was lying in bed and communicating with my Father, I placed her once again in His arms, relieved to know that He cares for her more than even I do.... she gets me going, when this kind of stuff is going on and I am at my wit's end... I shouldn't be surprised that this is where He, the Lover of my soul, the Refuge, my husband,the Rock, my Eternal Daddy is right there for me... I need to take a step away when this happens, intentionally sink into Him and let His wisdom guide me.... I need His guidance in all areas of my life but find myself especially needy right now when it comes to my abandoned teenager... 

I found out today, that He really is not only wise and loving but also immensely strong...yes, He can carry me and my kids, all at the same time...My God is so good, so strong and so mighty , there is nothing my God cannot do....where there were 4 sets of footprints before, this evening, there was only one...

How marvelous, how beautiful YOU are!!!!!

.... Reality..... August 2, 2010

Today, as I was packing all kinds of stuff that is still at the old house, in the heat, as my youngest was hysterically screaming, lying on the floor... ( for a very long time) as I was looking through pictures and albums ..... it hit me again how this really is so wrong. 

The kids came back from the cottage last night.... they brought our sheets back.. and for a moment I thought am I now washing the sheets of my husband and his girlfriend when it dawned on me that thankfully they were still there and so their bed had not been stripped.... they are my sheets...I hope they will have the courtesy of not giving them back to me dirty...
As I was sorting the laundry the kids brought back there was a woman's PJ pants ( her's)....and a T-shirt of their Dad's... turns out Bekkie was wearing both... that's what she does... she always wears my stuff and her Dad's... or at least she did when he was still at home...
It breaks my heart, and I am realizing again that this is such a twisted, screwed up situation... there are so many reasons why God does not want us to have a divorce... the girlfriend is nice, they all had a great time... I am happy about that... it is what it is... and considering the circumstances God is blessing us... and let me tell you I prayed a lot about this all during this week...but it is all so complicated and everyone on our side is paying the price... big time..
Thankfully God is bigger than that and He loves my kids, He is able to heal all that is done to them by the brokeness and selfishness that surrounds them...
It seems unfair that I would be the one who has to deal with all the emotions of all of them, with most of the work of moving,the one that is left alone, with all the baloney.... makes me think of my favorite song again... by Natalie Grant... "Held"...... "it is unfair, but the promise was that "when" everything fell we would be held"... not "if", not, "oh, you are a Christian, this won't happen to you".... no : WHEN it happens, I am HELD... in the comforting, soft and strong at the same time embrace...in the arms of my Daddy... oh how I love Him..... Bekkie relaxed, we packed some more stuff... the laundry will be done tomorrow...
We had a great dinner and card game, just us girls... God is good, He is holding all of us......

........Lonely.....July 30, 2010

I never signed up for any of this... and as much as I am so much more aware that God in His love for me has allowed me to be basically alone and sad for the majority of my life ( loneliness in a marriage is no picnic either) and I am thankful for the closeness I have been allowed to find with Him... there are times, like right now, ( it is 2:17 am ) where all of this is just so very very sad...

2 of my daughters are up at the cottage with my soon to be Ex husband and his new girlfriend, one is staying over at a friends house... it's me and my fluffy little puppies and thank God for them... at least I have them snuggle up to me..

I have cried, and I just need to be open about this too... I am excited, and I am so blessed to know my Daddy in Heaven, but there is quite the price to be paid to get there ( and I know that the price I am paying is nothing compared to the price that He paid for me to have this relationship)... but really,  life "sucks" when this is going on..( I never used this word before all the garbage happened... sorry) 

I am longing for what I have been longing for all my life... and I am not giving up hope that there will be a real man in my life again, someone to care for and someone who will care for me..

I am no saint and I am not perfect yet...I have feelings and needs...

I am learning to be content in who I am, Miriam, the single woman... I am excited about what is going to happen in my life through the new opportunities.... but sometimes, at night, I am just alone. 

And I don't like it.....

That's when I am telling my Daddy that I really really wish for a man in my life when the time is right and I am asking Him to make it so that this will be soon...

I used to be afraid of the possibility that God, who is all about refining us, would not give me the desire of my heart... in the meantime I have learned that I am indeed God's favorite... that He wants to bestow His favor upon me and I am claiming this favor.

During my marriage there have been times when I resented my husband  that I needed so much of the energy I had to make sure my home was relatively peaceful that I didn't have enough left over to be at work for God... I love serving Him and I am so blessed to know that He has a specific purpose for me..

My longing now is to be allowed to experience the joy to serve Him together with a godly man, on fire for Jesus.....together!!!

I am sad and alone... I am feeling a bit sorry for myself.. I admit that... I know that I am not alone and that tomorrow is a new day with His mercies that are new every morning...

But right now... right now I am not enjoying where I am...

Thank the Lord for little Minnie snoring right next to me... :)

... Patience....in the excitement...July 29, 2010

If you know me, you know that I am a passionate, ( some negative and very mean :( people call me fanatic.. the nerve) enthusiastic person.... most of the time this kind of character trait comes with another , that is not quite that positive ( if you think it is positive to  begin with).... the not so good thing that comes with passion is often times IMPATIENCE...

So, God, my beloved Daddy, has had his hands full with me in that way... many times in my life I have just jumped right into situations that seemed so right at the moment but then turned out disastrous......

After 16 years of having the Holy Spirit living in me I am happy to say that the patience that is part of His fruit has also grown "a little bit" in me......

 As I am so very excited now.... you got it, I am also really struggling with impatience...

So I thought, why not try and get some wisdom from "THE" source of wisdom... so I did a little word study of the word patience in the bible.

As all good scholars ;) do, I first looked patience up in the dictionary and the thesaurus..here it goes:

Meaning: the capacity to endure what is difficult or disagreeable without complaining

Synonyms: forbearance, long-suffering, sufferance, tolerance

Related Words: acquiescence, resignation; passiveness, passivity; amenability, compliance, conformism, docility, obedience, subordination, tractability, willingness; discipline, self-control; submission, submissiveness

WOW....I knew it was a high calling...

Now, what does the bible have to say... interestingly enough patience, the noun is only found in the  bible 17 times, to be patient 27 times.... hmmmmm

 Does that maybe mean this is an action... something we need to choose to do, rather than wait for it to happen by itself... ( as an aside... to bad this site has no emoticons... I so would like to use some here and there)

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. (Psalm 40:1)

But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. ( Romans 8:25)

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ( Romans 12:12)

And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised. (Hebrews 6:15)

These are only four of the verses that contain the word patient... there is quite a bit though that speaks to me and let's me know what the Lord has for me, if I wait patiently....

He will hear my cry, we will receive what is promised... it tells me too when to be patient... in affliction, and when I am hoping for something I do not have....this verse in Romans 8 reminds me of another one that sounds almost the same: Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. ( Hebrews 11:1) Now isn't it interesting the connection that can be made here..

If we hope patiently for what we do not have, and we are being sure of what we are hoping for, that's faith... after waiting patiently, we will receive the promises...so even though we cannot see them now, through faith, which is a gift from God, we do not loose hope, actually, like Romans 12:12 says, we are joyful in this hope...it is amazing.

I love the Word...it has answers for all our questions.... that's another proof that our Father in Heaven loves us so much...He has given us His word, so that we can find all we need, wisdom, hope, joy and faith..

So, once again,   I have the capacity to endure what is difficult or disagreeable without complaining, I have the willingness to be obedient...because, as I wait patiently, my God gives me joy as I hope in what I do not have, knowing that He hears me and will give me what He has promised  and He even provides and grows the faith that I need to be able to hold on to this hope.... AMAZING!!!!!!!!!

As the Spirit testifies to my spirit I can joyfully and patiently serve Him while I am waiting.....

So I am, today... and for however long I need to..because I am sure of one thing most of all, my Father in Heaven is GOOD ALL THE TIME... I know it because I know Him...after all, He is right here holding me... Hallelujah!

... My love letter to the man God has for me...July 26, 2010

I am so full of Joy and Love, I am ready... 

When God had His way with me last July, when He opened my eyes to how my pride and fear and selfishness had contributed to the horrible marriage I was in, when He spoke to me through the words in 1 Corinthians 13.... love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy it does not boast, it is not rude it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrong, love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth... It always hopes always trusts,always protects, always perseveres..... when in the gentle way of the Father He convicted me of how I had fallen short of loving my husband that way, as I repented, He changed my heart completely...

Even through the following 4 months, when I found out about the affair, when I trusted and forgave, when I gave it my all and needed to depend on Jesus for every moment I loved my husband like that... funny that even to this day, loving like this allows me to deal with all the garbage of breaking apart a family... forgiveness is easy, seeing the good in the husband that has betrayed and rejected me and my children... thank the Lord for that...without this change of heart I would have had a much harder time to live through this the way it brings glory to my Father in heaven... it is by His grace alone...

Why am I talking about this... well, I guess it explains that I am in a place where I am bursting with so much love and excitement...ready to love...whoever the Lord will put in my way...

I love all the women that I will meet as my calling ( the Pregnancy Center!!!!!) will manifest itself, everyone who God will put in my way... all the cracks and holes in this vessel that I am have the love of Christ pouring out of them... Praise God for allowing the hard times....no hard times, no cracks.. no love pouring out...it's a no brainer ;)

I am excited for the man I will get to share my passion for ministry with... I am excited for where He, the Lover of my Soul and Daddy in Heaven will lead me and take me.... I am held... I am where I need to be.....I am weak and vulnerable, but that's when He is strong... His grace is sufficient for me and I am  so thankful... eternally thankful....

Oh what a blessing to be used by God... what a tremendous privilege, to be part of what He is doing......... I love Him with all my soul, heart and mind....

so... whoever this letter is to... my prayer is that you would be on fire for Him, and that together we will be skipping along the path that He has for us....

I can't wait ;)

...Hindsight...Take Four........

...these 3 weeks with "her" here must have been the most trying and hurtful and scary weeks in my life.. you know the physical feeling when your stomach is in a knot and you are shaking inside..when I am scared I always feel the fear in my stomach.... it is not a nice feeling..

during these 3 weeks, (remember he had already told me he didn't love me anymore, just after the Lord had filled my heart with that totally unselfish  love for him..she, invited by me, her always supportive and compassionate cousin, was here because I wanted to provide refuge to her while her husband was cheating on her.. get that.... Satan definitely had his hands in this....oh... and she was my Maid of Honor)

okay so during these 3 weeks I fervently prayed every minute of every day.... he denied there was anyone else, but then I would find the two of them alone, him arranging for them to spend time together alone doing stuf, I wanted to trust him but also felt weird about all this, asked him not to do that. One day she sent pictures that I had taken of her to him, while sitting across from me, sitting on my couch, using my old laptop, to my husband... I didn't know.... it was a nightmare..

a week before she left I had some inkling and checked his laptop- I guess I should mention that throughout all this time I was trying really hard to show my love to him, no matter what, I also prayed that God would allow me to trust him but if there was something going on to show me, to bring to light what was hiding in the darkness-... so checking his laptop I found the e-mails with the pictures of her that I had taken ...

confronted him... he denied it meant anything... talked to her, she denied it meant anything.... so there I was...kind of wanting to deny it too... but at the same time my stomach was tightening up even more... the only release I found was when alone, praying and listening once again to my Michael W Smith CD... this time Healing Rain was the song for me....Healing rain is falling down, Healing rain is falling down, I am not afraid, I am not afraid...

oh how mysterious are the ways the Lord ministers to our hearts... He gave us music to touch our souls in the moments of greatest needs.. I was drowning in my circumstances, praying constantly, too frantic and frazzled to be able to do it on my own.. one of those times when we cannot even find the words but only utter "Help me Jesus".... this song gave me hope... and gave me the courage to live, minute by minute holding on to Him.... Oh Lord you are my only Hope...

going to New York like planned a while before with my girls for the last weekend she was here in Canada.... crazy, leaving them here, alone, going to New York where I had been many times with him, only ever with him, only by God's grace and His loving care for me was I able to not ruin this for my girls... my heart knew...my mind didn't want to know... my soul was grieving....God sustained me...His healing rain falling down on me, giving me what I needed not to lose it and to be able to hold on...to the hope that only He can give..

looking back, a year later, this doesn't send me in a panic anymore. I know that the Lord was in control even over the things that 2 people that were not only totally ignoring Him and His commands but also the pain they were inflicting on 4 people they supposedly loved and cared about were doing... He allowed them to take us all to a higher level of trust in Him.. because even then, we were Held by the God of the Universe, Almighty God, Our Redeemer and King... the Lover of our souls who will never let us down... Praise be to Him both now and forever more....... to be continued.....