Sitting at Starbucks the other day ( with my Ex-husband )... talking, and bits of the conversation hurt so much, they are "manifestations" of the so called "consequences of the sin" that I have forgiven and therefore have given up any right to hold against anyone or get angry about... I have chosen to quietly accept and go through the pain... and it comes at me again and again, like the steady surf at a beach.... sometimes more violent than other times ... and so, tomorrow night, another wave is going to hit me..
thinking about this today I couldn't help but think about what started all this... at the beginning was a LIE....
LIE: falsehood, fib, fabrication,deception, invention, fiction, piece of fiction, falsification; ANTONYMS : truth. Ha... Truth... that would have been so much better...
Do not give false testimony against your neighbour.. one of the commandments... might be important one could conclude... after all, there were only ten of them..
But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. (Matthew 15:18-20)
Del Tackett in the Truth Project said something very wise: Behind every sin is a lie.
For obvious reasons honesty has always been very important to me.. took a personality test and this was some of the stuff they came back with:
"Your code of ethics is remarkably strong and you expect others (not only your partner and those closest to you, but everyone) to live honest, committed lives as well.
You are incredibly loyal to friends, employers, employees, and above all to your significant other. Whatever or whomever you commit to is your sole (and soul) focus. You love to serve and will give freely of yourself in order to nurture the lives of others."
So I am slowly understanding why it is so incredibly hard for me to get over the break up of this marriage... the lack of commitment, the lack of honesty and loyalty is continuing to hurt me and as much as I want to be done with this and move on I am stuck...
everything I am about has been violated and this has shaken up my foundation to an extend that will, I am realizing that now, take years to heal and fully mend.
In the meantime I am pleading with my Lord to catch me when the waves threaten to make me lose my balance.. fall and crash again... He is there, faithfully sheltering me from the brunt of the blow..
And there He is using His faithful servant..my favourite singer, Man after God's own heart, Michael W Smith.. who, no one is surprised anymore, has a song for me:
Walk across the shore
Walk across the sea
Stand upon the waves
And walk with me
Journey through the door
Come see what I can see
All the reasons we were made
Who we were meant to be
Rise, He's calling you to go
Just leave it all behind
And rise above
Beyond the obvious
And what you can attain
Past the here and now
Where faith remains
Lift your weary head
There's too much left to lose
More than you can imagine
It's waiting there for you
Rise, He's calling you to come
Just leave it all behind
And rise above
Come and stand
And join with me as one
Now take my hand and we
Will rise above
In His strength, I shall try to do this...again and again...
