...after another hospital visit....Agape love...

love... feelings of affection, connection, deep understanding, closeness, a willingness to do anything to help the other.... patience in relating, forgiving wrongs, a "bonus" the other can never use up.. deepest caring, wanting to share time, experiences, a longing to make the other happy, rejoicing with one another, compassion for the other....
coming back from another few hours with my mom, I am trying to express what those feelings of love I have for her are really all about...
sneaking into her bed at night, when she was still up doing stuff... just because it smelled like her and feeling so loved and protected... waking up from my 2nd C-Section after being put under , confused and scared, I called out for her.... apart from me she is the biggest fan of my kids, I am always excited to share their cute moments with her... the one I came to for advise on how to be a mother, the one I trust to tell me if an outfit looks good on me...

love... letting go of hurt feelings, deep, deep hurts, because she IS my mother and I love her...
I am an intense person and when I love I love.... this feeling usually is too hard to contain... it bursts out of me... looking at my mother for hours, the way she is breathing through that tube...  her hair brushed back and her hands and arms... well really her whole body all poked and bruised, makes me all choked up and  feeling such compassion I don't really know how to contain it...

these feelings of sadness I was speaking about earlier are because I am not able to take away the pain...
telling her how much I love her and using words of endearment I really only use for my children, because no matter how old they are the will always be my little "Mausis".... is all I can do.. feeling such motherly feelings for my mother now, mixed with the gratitude and love I have for her for being my mother...

the last 10-12 years of our relationship were harder but the years before were wonderful and close... I have not forgotten , could never forget how much I love this woman.... studying her face for so many hours, afraid that this was the last time I would see her at first .... I thank the Lord for giving us the ability to love, for a mother like mine to be a good and caring mother, to teach me how to be a mom, what a wonderful blessing.... I am praying that when she gets better that we will be able to establish our relationship on a much deeper level than it even was 10 years ago... my prayer is for her to finally experience the love the Father has for her, that she could soak it in and let go of all bitterness and anger... that I could minister to her wounded heart and love her with the love Jesus has for her.... like putting ointment on her soul like I did on her dry lips today.... smoothing over the rough spots.....
Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrong, love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes always perseveres.... I learned to love my husband this way,  when he had had an affair for a year already.... it was too late .... I knew that God was not a mean guy... there had to be a reason he taught me when he taught me, even though it didn't change anything for our marriage.... maybe this time I can use this love, the AGAPE love on someone, and this time it is not too late.... wouldn't it be wonderful.....

..@ hospital day 4

... another day in beautiful, sunny Celerina, Switzerland, ... already spend 4 1/2 hours in the ICU of the "Oberengadiner Spital" the little hospital outfitted with Swiss precision and perfectionism... and thank the Lord for that... technology and science are quite amazing... a little hospital, with a total of 10 beds in the ICU, there have only been 2 patients the whole time we have been there, my mother and one man in the next room.... very competent nurses and doctors have made this experience as good as something like this can be for us....
talking to the Dr in charge this afternoon he stated that where my mother is today is the best possible state of recovery she could be in right now, when he painted best case scenario for us on Tuesday, when worst case scenario would have been that she wasn't going to make the night, where she is today was exactly what he said... no set backs and a little itty bit of improvement each day.... he keeps on stressing that patience will be needed and that recovering from a septic shock will take a very long time...
best prognosis is now that she might have to stay in ICU for another 4 days... if all continues to work out and no secondary infection occurs....
while being with my mom she again was coming up a bit out of her sedation, lifting up her arms and "fighting" against all the tubes ... so far this has never failed to bring tears to my eyes, she obviously is scared, in pain and has no idea what is going on, holding her arms and telling her all will be fine is all we can do.... one of those moments today she looked at me and I am sure she saw me...
patience... it is hard, now that the fear of losing her has pretty much left me I so want to be able to communicate and know that she understands... we are always talking to her and are holding her hands, and I am sure on some subconscious level she knows we are there... but it will be so amazing to look her in the eyes and connect on that level again...
the extent of stress this week has brought, is wearing all of us down.... I am so thankful for how the Lord has been with us and has been at work in my mother... I am not sure how I could have made it without Him, He is the One who gives me strength ... so yes, I have been strong and at peace....
but, if I have learned anything through the last 18 months going through the break up of my marriage, it is that yes, because of Him, I am strong , but that at the same time I am also broken, sad, in pain..... real feelings... I am not immune to those, I can function and deal with them better, but they are still all there...
that's when I need the time alone for me to recharge and find the comfort in my best friend... the lover of my soul.....
when I am resting my head against His shoulder ( and it is a very soft shirt material that I can feel against my cheek.. yes, that's how real it is) and His arms are holding me, the tension flows away, the burdens are lifted and new hope and strength fills my heart..... I am in desperate need of some me and Jesus time right now.... so grateful that He always has time for me.....