almost 3 years... grieving my mother

it's just another Friday, have been sick for a week and am just felling a little better today..
was able to do the things on my calendar for the day, happy to return to life somewhat..

on any given day there are many moments my mother comes to my mind.
sometimes, when I can, I choose to watch the slideshow I made of pictures of her with my girls and I throughout the years..

every time I do this, even though it has now been almost 3 years since she passed away I still cry.. not for too long but the fact that I can see her on my screen but I can't touch her just gives my heart this painful jolt..

 ( this is the link to the slideshow on youtube : https://youtu.be/en-hLpV7oJM )

thinking that I need to focus on the fact that I will one day see her again and that she is perfectly and eternally happy like she never was on earth I figured something out....

the love of a mother for her child and of a child for her mother is huge. or at least it was between my mother and I,
but to say that we were always perfectly happy with each other, never had any issues or fights would be a lie.
my mother was a passionately loving and caring person and she was funny, smart and so cute.
she also was feisty and knew what she wanted, a sinner who had her own plans and her own agenda, who had her own hurts and trials, and she dealt with them as well as she could.

so, yes, as she got older and more and more bitter and negative, being around her was not always that easy.
in dealing with her own issues she became more and more manipulative and controlling and like we all do, got angry and even mean when someone or something got in her way.

so sometimes she hurt me.
sometimes I hurt her.
every time I was full of hope that things would be better next time.
I am sure she was too
I had expectations and so did she.
I got disappointed and so did she.

and then she died.

death is as painful as it is and as hard to get your heart and mind around because it is so final.
at least here. in this place.

no more hope. no more chance to get something right.
no more expectations that could be met rather than lead to disappointment.

not being there to hold her in her last hours on earth is what is the hardest for me to handle, still today...

as I was again feeling the pain of having lost my mother who I love so very much, I had this thought:

there are no unrealistic expectations in heaven.
there is no disappointment in heaven.
there is nothing to long for or regret or to be sad about in heaven.
how amazing is that ?????

and as much as the years ( and I do hope I get many more to be a Mama to my children and an Oma to my future grandchildren ) of waiting to see her again will be hard, tearful at times, I will make it through... and the reunion will be PERFECT.
no more sin. no more tears just unhindered joy, forever.

my prayers for my mother to come to know my Lord Jesus were answered by Him when reading to her a sermon by the Oncologist my father had been connected to and insisted we should go and see, two years into her cancer journey...who would have thought that a 75 year old cancer survivor / oncologist from Switzerland preaching at his church would be speaking the words that finally made my Mama see her need for a Saviour and His free gift of salvation for her...... how amazing is GOD, I am still marveling at His miraculous ways...

to worship Him together eternally is the very best ending to the story of my mother and I.

I am BLESSED!

why should we be saved from nightmares....

driving for 6 hours to see family last week had me sifting through my iTunes and listen to songs I hadn't listened to in a long time..

and there it was
the marvel
the song, given to me by a friend who was sent to strengthen me in this trying time 9 years ago.
when hanging on for another day was not such a sure thing but needed a new decision every day.

Held

by Natalie Grant.

Two months is too little

They let him go

They had no sudden healing

To think that providence would

Take a child from his mother while she prays

Is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued?

What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?

We're asking why this happens

To us who have died to live?

It's unfair

This is what it means to be held

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held

This hand is bitterness

We want to taste it, let the hatred numb our sorrow

The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held

If hope is born of suffering

If this is only the beginning

Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

This is what it means to be held

How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved

And to know that the promise was

When everything fell we'd be held

if you know me, you know that I am QUITE INTENSE... in all my feeling and everything... so, obviously I am listening to a song that speaks to where I am ( let me clarify, I did not lose a child, thanks to the Lord, but my husband had walked away after cheating on me with my cousin, leaving me and my children forever ) on REPEAT.... all the time.

the words that stuck out to me were many.

why should I be saved from nightmares?

why should I be rescued ?

when the sacred, the promised is torn from your life... 

and you survive - because you have to-

it all comes down to one thing:

I find out what it means to be loved,

it means to be held WHEN it all falls apart

was walking this road with another woman who had experienced a very similar thing, 

sharing with her what God was showing me she could not accept it.

she couldn't let go of how wrong it was, how unfair it was, and got stuck there.

so thankful that He let me see it was about Him all along.

never about the things we could lose.

but Him.

the lyrics go on,

taking it even one step further.

if hope is born of suffering ( and yes, I knew this now )

what if this is only the beginning ???????????????? 

things continued to get worse,

the realities of the "mistress" being my closest and most loved relative

my parents hiding from me the dinner they had with "them"

my mother telling me, when I said something she didn't like, that I deserved to be cheated on

dealing with what all of this did to my children. alone. broken myself.

all the details of figuring life out on our own and regular, daily life in a world that's broken by sin.

even when we slowly found our footing and recovered from the blow of a broken marriage

the Lord allowed more losses and trials in my life,

to this day there are many levels of difficulty and trial, sadness and sorrow..

yet,

through this all I know without a shadow of a doubt that

WHEN it falls ( not if ) He is always there and I am always held.

my hope CANNOT be in someone or some circumstance but only in Him.

He, who is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

so, nine years after all this went down,

there is another song,

shared, again by someone who has been sent to strengthen me in times that are hard, who I can strengthen by pointing her to Him

 -what a wonderful thing that is, thank you Lord-

this is the song:

Broken Hallelujah

by Mandisa

With my love and my sadness

I come before You Lord

My heart's in a thousand pieces

Maybe even more

Yet I trust in this moment

You're with me somehow

And You've always been faithful

So Lord even now

When all that I can sing

Is a broken hallelujah

When my only offering

Is shattered praise

Still a song of adoration

Will rise up from these ruins

And I will worship You

And give You thanks

Even when my only praise

Is a broken hallelujah

Oh Father, You have given

Much more than I deserve

And I have felt Your hand of blessing

On me at every turn

How could I doubt Your goodness

Your wisdom, Your grace

Oh Lord hear my heart

In this painful place

When all that I can sing

Is a broken hallelujah

When my only offering

Is shattered praise

Still a song of adoration

Will rise up from these ruins

And I will worship You

And give You thanks

we all are facing sadness and sorrow throughout our lives,

the question is which road will you take?

are you going to stay in a place that blames and is upset about how unfair it all is?

or are you going to run to Him and pour out your heart to Him,

trusting that He will hold you,

bringing Him your tears and your broken heart 

and praise Him

because that's what He deserves

He who willingly took the punishment and suffering for you

I thank Him today even for the hurts and the suffering the break up of my marriage inflicted on me and my children...

without it I wouldn't know what it means to be loved and to know that the promise was when everything fell we'd be held!!

by HIM... who deserves my broken Hallelujah