... I was there, you know.....

thankfully God is sovereign, and thankfully I do not question that at all... it is what I believe to be true...
if that wasn't the case I would have to explore the following:
most of us would agree that the best thing about a broken marriage is that there is a child now that otherwise wouldn't have been there...
then again, here comes my experience, without ever so much questioning the truth of this statement...if there wasn't a child, breaking up would be so much easier...
I have been exposed to more "visible signs" that I and my time with my Ex husband, not an insignificant amount of time either, 17 1/2 years, has been ERASED completely,  than I care for... I have been REPLACED and I might as well have dropped right off the face of the earth because: there is no more evidence around... oh, right, my kids, well, they somehow exist but tada.... they must have come out of thin air... wow...
it hurts, I have to admit, it does...
today, even though I know that God is sovereign, I also know that He loves me and my kids, I know that I am not insignificant and that the last 20 years of my life have had some kind of impact... I am kind of sick of all of this..
so. no uplifting conclusion, just me, I do exist, maybe not in the "history books" of my Ex's family... I have been replaced, down to the smallest detail.... I AM the mother of my children and I am the one who has and still is bringing them up by God's grace, I WAS the wife at my husband's side who supported and strengthened him in times when the going was tough, I was there when decisions were made, problems were dealt with and difficult times were lived through..I was there in the fun and the good times ... was I?
it sucks... it does... and it has nothing to do with new happiness that can be found now or anything like that...
it is just not nice and I am not wishing that on anyone, still, even there I do not even have a say and have to see it happen to someone very dear..
I know that God is in control, and that is a good thing, I know that He is ultimately not going to let anyone off the hook, even when it might look like that right now...
so sorry.... I can't wait for the dust of the last few weeks to settle..... I do really just want to be lifted out of this... please????
... and, yes, I know that this is nothing compared to other most horrific stuff going on everywhere... so forgive me for complaining... I will get over this too...
oh, and before I forget, I am tremendously blessed to have my daughters...and all of my friends... I am  blessed to have a longing for heaven and know that I am going to be there one day and that there all the brokenness will be restored.. I am blessed to have a friend like Jesus... after all, He even died for me... my name is engraved in the palm of my Father's hand... He will never forget or erase me.. replace me or anything like that...
dang, He just won't let me wallow... He always comes through, even on a day like today....
okay... thank you Lord... you are the bestest!!!!!!!!!

...it's all foolishness....

sick still, even had to cancel a nice getaway with a few very close friends... :(
I have been sick quite a bit lately... some interaction today with someone who cares about me and is very dear to me but so obviously does not share my faith made it clear to me again that ( no surprises here) what the Bible says is SO TRUE!!!!!

"This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words.  The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit." (1 Corinthians 2:13+14)

I do believe that mind, soul and body are all inter-connected and one.. makes a lot of sense to me, I think that especially as someone who understands that there is the seen and the unseen world, and they both exist at all times, it makes sense that emotional stress could be weakening one's immune system and vice versa... no question about that...
so that's what made this well meaning person to tell me again that I was not dealing with things and that me saying I was well / fine / good... was a mistake and that those things here on earth are not something God deals with, because they are down here and too small anyways... and that's why I am sick, again...

now this is someone that has heard me share about my personal relationship and that my Jesus is someone that is right here with me and is intricately involved with all the details of my life, small or big.. and still, it makes no sense to him,  it's foolishness...

he also cannot understand that I am dealing with things in the only way I think is right, by giving it to God, by forgiving and letting go, by following Him as good as I can, with His help .... this includes accepting that living life here on earth includes heartache, hurt, sadness, pain and illness...
accepting that going through these times is okay and that I do not have to find some solution to fix the problem on my own by analyzing it away but that I instead just surrender all my cares to Him and trust that He will take care of me, be either solving what can be solved, show me how to solve things or by patiently enduring the sorrow and heartache...

I guess without the spirit life is only about the here and now and therefore finding solutions and fixes for anything that stands in the way of total enjoyment is so much more important...
I know that my citizenship is in heaven and that my real destination is there... whatever God allows me to suffer is only going to make me more like Him, will allow me to be a better ambassador for Him....

I think today's conversation was just to remind me again that without God "letting ears grow on one's heart" opening someone's eyes by saving them, all that He has taught me, the wisdom He has given me is nothing but FOOLISHNESS to them.... sad  but true...

it is all Him, never anything I could say.... He is the One that has to take the blinders away.... and there is nothing I can do for things being interpreted in the wrong way, talked about behind my back...
they just don't know any better... praying that they will one day, not for my but for their sake...

... it is ok to not be okay...

one of my fav pastors, a guy named Pete Wilson, a pastor in Nashville, challenged his facebook friends today by saying " Let's be real today... it is ok to not be ok" .... ha....
kind of sad that a pastor would have to say that to his friends, mainly you would think Christians, maybe even from his church... one lady commented that in her experience the church was not a safe place to not be okay...

as someone who likes history, my mind always tries to figure out what happened, in regards to the church, Jesus by His dealings with sinners made it pretty clear that He was very understanding and full of mercy and grace.. His death was the ultimate proof that this is what He was all about... grace, open arms for us, the sinners, and that we are justified through what He did, we are people stuck in this world, not ok, yet loved, accepted  by Him...so what happened?

I think people happened... people, well meaning people for sure, needed to find some way to control what was going on... people like you and me, believers, struggling to trust and just take what His word says at face value and stick to it... instead people came up, and still do today, with rules and regulations and created an environment where it was again (like in Jesus' times, the Pharisees) not ok to be not ok....

man made rules, made up to control what people were doing.... not trusting God, really putting Him in a box... making Him very small....
because, being not ok is ok, not because it is okay to sin,  but because He loves us and is fully aware how broken we are, because of what He did we are forgiven, His spirit in us will never give up on transforming us and making us more and more like Him....

trusting Him for what He has promised and relying on His strength to be transformed... not out of our own strength... if we do that, we do not have to feel that we need to control whats happening around us, we will not judge others and we will be free from condemnation, even if others (even in the church) are judging us...

there is power in transparency, being authentic and admitting not to be ok allows others to see how God is working in our lives... so please, of all places, be ok to not be ok in your church...... admitting things are not okay is difficult, pride has to be put aside... good lesson I think... fear of condemnation...if we know who we are in Christ  that shouldn't bother us... rather we can enjoy the acceptance of the genuine body of Christ... what blessing and freedom in being real... so let's be real, not just today, but always!

... soul-parching thirst.....

got sick... so maybe this is why I was caught up in those sad and dark moments of the last few days... hormone levels might have something to do with it too... but, rather than trying to understand on a human level, God gave me something today....


As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. ( Psalm 42:1+2)
 

thinking back to the days when I was a child, lying in bed at night I would wonder and question what life was all about... I read my huge big Children's Bible a few times and for many years I wondered what else there was for me.... searching for God, longing for something far deeper than my religious education had taught me....

in light of those scriptures my late night ponderings, feelings of loneliness and longings so deep make sense, no wonder no human ever has been able to fulfill them....
this was delivered to my mailbox this morning,  a daily devotional... this is what my God communicated to me to clarify what I have been feeling again these last couple of nights:

most of the time life is so loud and noisy it drowns out what is going on in our souls...
"Yet sometimes, the deep longing throbs are loud enough to wake us up and remind us of our soul-parching thirst for the fountain of divine love.
In these moments of absolute weakness, of absolute dependence, we can do nothing but simply ache for the presence of God. This longing is a sign that Love has already reached out to us and is drawing us ever closer, ever upward into His heart. And He comes and satisfies our thirst with a spring of love that knows no bounds. "

all my "sad" moments of longing, basically all my life, rather than explaining them in human terms and searching to "blame" someone ( bad me, I shouldn't do that... I know my God is sovereign..... ) this is what it is and has always been... a longing for the divine Love of my Father, because in His limitless love He had already allowed me to get a glimpse of it when I was very young.... so my longing for Him did not let me rest until it was time for Him to reveal Himself to me over 17 years ago.... the longing continues, will never be totally fulfilled until the day I will meet Him face to face.... so...again.... I am choosing to let anyone off the hook whoever was not able to fulfill my deepest longings... in reality my soul was yearning for the Love of God.... as He continues to draw me upward into His heart I will feel that utter aloneness here on earth, after all, my citizenship is in Heaven....

.....fellowship with Christ... and still lonely?

Alone? like an abandoned used toy?
lonely and sad.... abandoned and rejected, not just once, not only that last time...
loneliness, not just the absence of another person but rather not connected in a meaningful way with a significant other... I think anyways...
loneliness in a relationship I used to say was so much worse... that was when I was still in one,  and, you guessed it, felt very alone and lonely...
in the meantime, I am really alone, have been for some time...
my fellow abandoned wives agree with me that night time is the worst...


a good friend said today that it was a wise choice to put up the scripture, especially in my bedroom.... she is right... it seems I am assaulted the most when in here, all by myself, everyone has gone to bed, and the loneliness descends like a cloud.....
for the last 20 months I have been very good about sticking to what I know builds me up... listened only to Christian music for example... lately, realizing that I was much better I have been listening to some of the "normal secular love songs" I like... I have always had a melancholy streak and so many of those are very sad....

in my bedroom, with my music going tonite the cloud definitely was descending on me again... it didn't help that I heard some story from my mother today, which made me think of my father and the cruelty he still dishes out whenever he feels like it.... and, the fact that this has not changed and still continues to hurt my mother and sometimes me as well ... the dark mood was setting in..
yearning for love, compassion and understanding, someone to share the good and the bad, the joys and the sorrows, someone to connect in a deep meaningful way.... will it be what He has for me, or maybe not?

but then I caught a glimpse of the scripture on the wall of my bedroom.... Love is patient and kind and it definitely never fails... the AGAPE love that my Father in Heaven has for me.... and the cloud had to retreat.... His truth goes out and pierces our hearts, it is the sword, that cuts through the fog of lies and assaults... it speaks the truth to our innermost being, to our soul.....
I am so glad He gave it to us.. He, who was God, who was with God in the beginning, who is the WORD, that Word that never goes out in vain, that always accomplishes the will of the Father... He, Jesus, His truth set me free, again, tonite... I am no abandoned used up toy... I am the cherished daughter of the King of kings... He sings over me and quiets me with His love.... I am choosing to focus on that truth tonite....

.... the precious feet of an unborn child...

precious feet.... these little feet, I have a pin, are really only a few mm long, are the exact size of the feet of a 10 week old fetus, or as Dr.Russel Sacco calls them, unborn infant children...
today these little pins are worn by people to raise awareness of what abortion really is... that this "blob of tissue" is indeed a real little person.

at my office working away to get prepared for our, even though delayed, yet still soon Grand Opening in the next few weeks... today we are ordering all the curriculum, the DVDs, books, pamphlets and also some Precious Feet pins for our volunteers..

I am again so very thankful for this opportunity to be at work for the Lord and His cause... so thankful that He orchestrated it that way, that He is going to use us to bring His hope and His healing to women and men faced with an unplanned pregnancy.

today we were blown away once again how He provides and takes care of every little detail... down to the delays and unforeseen "problems" that all of a sudden do make so much sense... oh, to see Him at work... such a privilege...

I am a woman , and I like babies and little things,... these little feet just evoke motherly feelings in me and I started looking into the history of this Pro Life symbol...

Please take a moment to watch this, it is actually very interesting and amazing....
I am honored to be allowed to work together with my wonderful team of volunteers when the day comes that Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center will be ready to open it's doors... our prayer is for the women, old and young, that will come through our doors, may the feel the  hope, love, compassion and mercy the Lord Jesus has for them.
To Him alone be the glory #SoliDeoGloria

.... not perfect.... but still loved!!!

... 9 months after moving into our new little house, I am proud to announce that I have put up my stencil scriptures today.....
this is an occurrence that gives you a clear picture of who I am in many ways....
when I moved in I had my house decorated and everything packed away in about 3 days... I never stop until I am done... so... after all that was done I did try to put the stencil stuff on the walls as well.... my first try was a disaster and now I got really scared I was going to rip it apart and destroy it all ( fear of failure).... so, I asked some people for advice / help.... and then when no one really came through I just forgot about it ( having a hard time to ask for help and make it happen).... in the meantime I had thought about it many times but rather than asking someone again and maybe really get someone to help me I had been contemplating if I really wanted to put them all up, since I wasn't going to stay here forever and they were expensive (finding excuses for not having to ask for help :S )....
anyways, motivated by my daughter's enthusiasm about decorating and making her new apartment her own I got all my courage up today and..... all my stencils are finally on the wall....

but the story goes on..... for my bedroom I had gotten the 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 passage... since this is how, if there is another love in my life I am committed to love... I was, by God's grace able to love my husband like this even after I had found out that he had betrayed me and  lied to me for years....
so...... I started putting it up and.... got all caught up in the scripture that I love so much, talking to my best friend, Jesus, while doing it and singing the little song my kids learned about 12 years ago at VBS... Love is patient, Love is kind... it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.... it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres...
I was so in my own zone that.... stepping away from it I realized how crooked it looked...... oh my... no way to get it off the wall again, so now.... another tid bit about me, I like things just perfect... ha, who wouldn't....  but from now on I will just have to look at this every day many times and will be reminded, first of all that I did not do a perfect job....( and that is just not acceptable, or at least that's what I was taught when growing up ).... secondly though I will be reminded of this love, to love everyone this way.... and the loving kindness of my Father, who so gently convicted me 2 years ago of how I had not loved my husband this way.... His forgiveness and Him answering my prayers to change my heart... so.... I just love this passage.... I love that, even though very crooked, it's finally on my wall.... I love that for Him I do not have to be perfect.... so thankful!!!!!

... infinite, unconditional and self-motivated.....

   Have compassion on your servants. 

 Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, 

   that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. 

 Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, 

   for as many years as we have seen trouble. 

 May your deeds be shown to your servants, 

   your splendor to their children.

  May the favor of the Lord our God rest on us; 

   establish the work of our hands for us— 

   yes, establish the work of our hands.

Psalm 90:13-17

His love is self-motivated, unconditional, infinite, and absolute; while human love is object motivated, conditional, finite, and relative.

He has revealed Himself to us in His Word, but still it is hard for us to comprehend His character... we were made in the image of God but sin entered the world and gone was the selflessness and in came the selfishness....

He loves me with this love I cannot comprehend, with this love my soul longs for, with this love I still hope to find one day lived out by a "human"..... 

I know that I need to go to Him in the morning and let my cup be filled by His love.... from there it is a win- win situation... 

so what if no human male figure in my life has been able to love me like that.... God does and He does it perfectly.... 

okay, I guess I am / have been surrounded by talk about the Wedding, pictures, my daughter who is kind of researching "Weddings" maybe as a business, couples wherever you look.... so yes, it is a bit lonely at times... but...... His love and His grace are sufficient... and I am held.... in  His loving hands... it is the truth even though I cannot see it, or feel it in human terms it is still there.... I love Him and I trust Him...

He is faithful.... hmmmmm... off to church, love it....

....a fragile heart....

often after a high the landing is not quite that cushiony and soft.... reality doesn't quite measure up with what we were feeling when the excitement was overflowing.... this does not mean that what transpired through the "elevated" times was not real... the encouragement was... the opportunities still exist, so they are real, but other real life things crowd out the exhilaration, I guess that's just what it means when we say: "back to the real life...."

real life.. difficulties, disappointments, frustration and let downs... normal every day life... slowly taking over again, allowing some of the feelings that so far had no room to surface ... ever so slightly... but still there...

the transition from deeply hurt and so utterly dejected to being relatively fine again... happening so slowly, almost undetected.... amazing, really, but still, especially in a time like this, the reality of it all still can throw one off....

listening to the song that started my journey over 2 years ago when I heard it for the first time at the first Michael W Smith concert, made me think of who I was then, and how it had so amazingly ministered to me...


Sitting at Your feet is where I want to be
I'm home when I am here with You
Ruined by Your grace, enamored by Your gaze
I can't resist the tenderness in You

I'm deep in love with You, Abba Father
I'm deep in love with You, Lord
My heart, it beats for You, precious Jesus
I'm deep in love with You, Lord

it was there when He showed Himself to me, His tenderness... seeing myself lying on the floor, broken in thousands of pieces, He stooped down and picked me up, so tenderly, so full of love, saying, I know what's going on with you, and I care.......

by then I had already discovered that they were emailing but did what every wife that is cheated on does, I kind of denied it to myself... it was a horrible place to be and somehow I had been questioning why God wasn't doing anything......

knowing Him as the Lover of my Soul, in a sad and violated marriage invigorated me and led in the end to the big change of heart that He brought about in me...

today, listening to this song, it kind of didn't do as much good.... thinking that I never have been loved by a man, not by my father with whom "best case scenario" meant He was "just" absent and not also emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive, or my husband... not enough anyways to take me with my faults , just for who I am, and stay....

so today, alone, obviously not loved by a man, not cared for or cherished, it was difficult for me to reconnect with the comfort these words have given me before....

it might just be time for another total immersion into what He says in His Word.... to meditate on all the verses of His unfailing, eternal love.... today was a more bleak kind of a day... and they do still happen, not very often any more..... there is a totally different quality about them.... no more "how could he" and "if he hadn't done this" but more being overwhelmed by what reality is.... in this regard.... and I know that this does not define me... and still... today, not so good a day for my heart.... it is fragile and tender....
the cry of my heart tonite is for His tenderness to be so strong and so obvious, that I won't be able to resist it.....

... to be known and to know... deepest level of intimacy

connecting with a sister in Christ today,  the connection so deep, supernatural, because the Spirit in us connects us, we are known by God and know God.... we have the same priorities and passions... understanding on a level that cannot be explained... it needs to be experienced... , no surprise that relationships between followers of the One that is all about having a relationship with us are so extra special and meaningful...
to be known and understood... isn't that what we all are longing for?

But whoever loves God is known by God.. 1 Corinthians 8:3


O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.



Psalm 139: 1-4 +13-16

He knows us and He cares, He promised to never leave us and forsake us, He knows us better than anyone and still loved us enough to freely give His life for us...
eternal life started the moment He lifted us out of the darkness into His marvellous light...
as we are living this life with Him, no matter what is going on, we are known by God.... loved and accepted by God... and, we can know Him, intimately... through the Spirit and His Word...
isn't that just such amazing news? faithfully following Him through the difficult and the easy stretches of our journey He is always right there, available for an intimate relationship.... #SoliDeoGloria

.. Aug 6, the Wedding and the concert....

so. maybe I should talk a little about that Saturday..... the Saturday my children witnessed their Dad getting married to someone else... sad and awkward for them, but their reality. not so much my reality anymore in the way that it hurts... just in the way of regret I guess...
that Saturday... the day for which God had given me this extra special gift, a small little intimate concert by my most favorite artist.. Michael W Smith... what I didn't know was that He had so much more for me than "just" getting to go to my 10th Michael W Smith concert ( I am kind of counting the cruise as 5 concerts)

all this said, the concert was sublime... I didn't expect anything different... it was my best one yet.... yeah...it's true... :)

when meeting with Derek the day before I had debated asking him if there was any chance I could get to do a little "Meet and Greet".. but had decided not to say anything, he is a really nice guy and I didn't want him to feel I was using him....
so anyways, when my friend Michelle and I entered the theater Derek came up to me and motioned for us to follow him... I felt like one of those teenage groupies, screaming inside ... wow... walking up to the 2nd floor .. and there it really happened.... Michael came out to meet us.... Derek had told him my story and he had said to bring me up.... now how great is that????
we talked for a few minutes, took a picture and then went back down...I couldn't believe what had just happened...
Michelle and I had had a great dinner in a cool place before the concert... we had been to the Opryland Hotel and Lifeway Christian Store in the afternoon and met again with a friend of Michelle's..... it was a full day and it was fun...

the next morning we went to her church, the Gate "simply Jesus".... He was there, Worship was amazing and the sermon was really great as well...

going back Monday morning, I had another wonderful encounter with a lovely Southern lady who was most encouraging and just blessed me...

what I thought was the gift for me, having the opportunity to go to Franklin and attend another MWS concert, turned out to be so much more.... it became this life changing, most encouraging trip I ever had...
life is back to reality... interesting new challenges, never a dull moment, that is a fact, what has not left me though is the assurance that He really, really cherishes me... I have reached a place of thankfulness, for the turmoil, the heartache, the pain and the loss, yes, it is true... without having lost everything 2 years ago I would not know Him, my Daddy, the Lover of my Soul the way I do now, I would not trust Him and know for a fact that He does indeed restore the years the locusts have eaten, much differently maybe than expected but He does, and it blows everything else out of the water... nothing compares... nothing compares, I know what I am talking about....

Michael W. Smith - I'll Wait For You - Official Music Video

this is what this man of God stands for... God is using him in a mighty way to minister to the hearts of His people... He definitely used him in my life tremendously!!!!

Just love the guy!!!!

ENJOY!!!

... 50 and not any wiser???????

... today is my brother's 50th Birthday.... where we come from, the Southwest of Germany, there is a saying that you finally become smart / wise when turning 40... he now turned 50.... hmmmmm...
one of the devotions I receive every day talked about the Name of Jesus,  and how our search for significance and identity will never be satisfied until His name is written on our hearts... so, my brother, if asked I am sure would have a lot to say about how he is so much wiser today....
the truth is, that he, like everyone else has been searching for his significance in all kind of places, success, wealth, relationships, family.... just to be disappointed again and again....
makes me think of the Donut man..... he was a Christian entertainer for little  kids, we even saw him live one day many, many years ago, when my girls were little... his message was that our hearts are like donuts... they have a hole in the middle... a hole that is in the shape of God, that until we find Him, our heart will always be empty, because no matter what we put there, it will never really fit and fill the hole..
so... wise? just because you turn 40 or 50 for that matter? Significance because of what we accomplished, what is in our bank account, or even how good a father, mother, wife or husband or friend we are, position.... all that can not fill the hole in our hearts... only Jesus can...
so today, we will be celebrating my brother's 50th Birthday... I baked him his favorite cake, made some salad and my girls will be busy preparing more food for the party we are going to throw him, on one of his "see how significant I am" purchases, his boat...
I hope all this will communicate to him that he is loved.... by us... and, I pray, that as we live a life of significance in Him alone he will see something, that  will tuck on his heart and he will finally stop resisting...

Let's consider this:
As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. “Good teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?” “Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone. You know the commandments: ‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, you shall not defraud, honor your father and mother.’”
“Teacher,” he declared, “all these I have kept since I was a boy.”
Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.
Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!”
The disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said again, “Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God!  It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” ( Mark 10:17-25)

I don't think Jesus said we all have to live a life of poverty in order to follow Him, I think what He is saying is we have to stop defining ourselves by what we own, who we are, let go of our pride and admit that all we have and all we are are undeserved gifts from Him, our abilities, skills, opportunities, even the fact we can love well and let others love us, which my brother definitely knows how, it all is from Him...

my prayer for my brother and all those I love who do not know Him is that He would allow them to have a glimpse of who they really are without Him and that he would break through their pride and they would be saved.....
like my pastor keeps saying,  you never see a u-haul behind a hearse....

..brokenness... and a Super Jesus.. Franklin Weekend Take Three

coming back to Franklin, meeting with a young Christian realtor, spending an hour and a half looking at Condos...  blessed to get to know a young man seeking the Lord so earnestly... inspiring to say the least.. then, later... another wonderful opportunity, meeting with yet one more fine young man, serving the Lord and having a heart of gold... MWS's Event Manager...
returning to Michelle's house just to get ready to head out for an evening of Worship at a producer's house, and get this... the wife went to school with Amy Grant... so her husband has been producing many of her albums... that's Nashville Tennessee for you... cool...
music that was played by an up and coming young Christian Artist just ministered to my heart...Tall Angels... breath baby breathe, everything is going to be alright... Super love... Jesus, the "Super Hero" understanding our suffering and carrying us through... breathe baby, breathe, everything is going to be alright... tears were running down my face... because, like I said before, I cannot lie, this weekend was not an easy one, not for me and not for my kids.... as Jesus was saying this to me, I allowed myself to feel the heartbreak once again... not overwhelming, but sad nonetheless.. brokenness... sadness...pain..... but there He is..."Breathe, baby, Breathe... everything's gonna be alright"... thanks to Him... and Him alone!!!!!
going back home..... I knew the next day would be most special... prayed for my girls , and once again left them in the more than capable hands of my Super Jesus.... can you tell that I think He is just the best??  Following Him is my delight....

..fullness in Christ... a glimpse of Heaven...

and I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,  may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ,  and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:17-19)

fullness, for me it is this feeling of being surrounded by the soft and sweet affection of the Lord, as in a cocoon , protected and kept safe by everlasting love... filled with the strength to go on with a smile that comes from deep within... a smile because of an absolute assurance of his undying love and commitment, His faithfulness and delight in me, lowly me, nothing to offer in return than my whole entire being... my desires and hopes, dreams and aspirations....a love so heavenly, so divine.... out of this world, really...

fullness... I think I experienced this on my trip that I feel my Abba Father put together down to the littlest detail to make me feel special.... it boggles my mind He would care that much...

His people blessed me and He provided me with the perfect time away .... but not only that... he reiterated something very important to me... He drove it home a bit deeper this time... He proved to me on a total different level that He indeed is in total control and that I NEED to trust Him for everything... because I can...

this is something we all struggle with but if anything,  that's one of the better things He promises to bring out of evil intentions of others for me....  new worries that I have had over the last 19 months and have continuously given back to Him in regards to my future, financially and relationally, were put to rest in a new found way... opportunities so amazingly brought to my attention definitely communicated His commitment to take care of me and my needs...

He has empowered me during these days that magnified the heartache of the last years.... potentially this could have been a very difficult time, but in His goodness and love it definitely felt like a new beginning... a glimpse of heaven... Thank you Jesus... I love you

..the Wedding weekend.. Take Two...

where to begin... should I talk about the lovely divorced and remarried ( after 10 years :S ) lady sitting next to me on the flight that at the end of a wonderful 2 hour long conversation told me to kiss a few frogs...?
or the many hours Michelle and I spent talking that first night... sharing intimately what God was doing in our lives... even though we really only said Hi once on the cruise...
or breakfast at the Cracker Barrel and a 3 hour drive to Birmingham Alabama... the exuberant welcome I received and the whirlwind of meeting my friend Mary's wonderful friends, one after another... again, sharing our hearts, our sorrows and the love for our Lord....
the southern hospitality and friendliness so wonderful and warm....
or maybe the next morning... Mary praying over me from Ephesians chapter 1: 15-21 and how it moved both of us to tears...

"For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all God’s people,  I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers.  I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better.  I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength  he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms,  far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come."
so amazing the Lord would give her that scripture passage for me....

while the preparations and festivities for the wedding of my Ex husband were going on, and all this was communicating to everyone was that it was FOR SURE no longer about me, when this was about to be written in stone so to speak... all and everything on my trip showed me that there was One who considered me worthy enough to make this trip an experience of a lifetime, it seemed, like it was all about me (could that be? it almost made me feel uncomfortable)... it felt like not only was I received with open arms but the blessings kept on flowing...

coming home and hearing so much about the dresses, the flowers, the speeches, the people, and all the feelings my children had.... I am even more thankful than I felt on that day for being showered with all that love....
TO BE CONTINUED.....

... He Knows Best.... who would have thought.....

sitting on the plane from Nashville to Chicago, meditating on a passage of scripture prayed over me during my trip ( love you MARY) ...listening to... you can guess.... this is what poured out of my heart:  ( sorry, these posts are not in chronological order...)

I praise you oh Lord,

For You have enlightened my eyes

I can see the immeasurable riches 

Of my inheritance in You

Oh Lord I praise You

For You have given me a spirit of wisdom and knowledge

Through you I am able to discern

I can live a life that brings glory to You oh Lord

I praise You, oh Lord

For You have redeemed my life from the darkness

You have brought me out of the darkness into Your marvellous light

You broke the chains of sin and gave me freedom

Freedom to choose not to sin

Freedom to follow You

Freedom to love like You

Freedom to praise You and worship You all of my life

I praise You oh Lord 

For You have given me eternal life 

You have prepared a room for me in Your mansion 

You are always with me

Your rod and Your staff they comfort me 

You are my refuge and my rock

With You I can do everything

Without You I cannot do anything 

You are the lover of my soul

Your love is faithful and everlasting 

Your love surrounds me like a soft pillow

You love me like a father, always there for me

A father who supports, provides and encourages

You love me like a brother,

Always by my side, blessing me

You love me like a husband 

Cherishing all of me

Fulfilling my deepest desires

A fountain of never ending love and affection

You have chosen me before the creation of the world to be Yours

I am saved by faith through Your grace

Undeserved, I, a sinner,

Dead in my transgressions You came and lifted me up

You took my heart of stone and replaced it with a heart of flesh

You gave me Your Spirit as a counsellor 

To lead me and guide me and continue to shape me and mold me

I am Your's, Lord

I surrender all I am to You 

I praise You , oh Lord

For You are the everlasting God, my Saviour

had the Lord not allowed the pain in my life, the depth of rejection and tremendous hurt, inflicted by those that were supposed to love me and take care of me, my heart would not know His love like it does, my heart would not be overflowing with thanksgiving like it is now... I thank Him for in His sovereignty allowing the sins committed against me... protecting me always from despair, like one of my fav scriptures says: But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  ( 2 Corinthians 4: 7-9 )

Praise be to Him forever Amen # SoliDeoGloria 

... processing the weekend: TAKE ONE...

..didn't take my laptop, didn't really have internet most of the time... took some notes of what was happening everyday because there was so much going on...
arrived this afternoon and my girls, all three of them were actually at home tonite... one of them is leaving tomorrow for another visit with her Oma... so we went out for dinner to celebrate all 4 of us being together in the same country..
someone suggested the kids should take numbers because there was so much to talk about...
processing a weekend like the last ... not an easy thing to do... in the end, we all are glad that this is behind us... I am just thankful that they made it through being okay... prayers were answered and God was, OBVIOUSLY, faithful, like He always is...
looking back on my weekend I realize it will take a long time for me to process what I experienced... all I can say right now is that I  am overwhelmed by the love He sent my way from the moment I stepped on the first plane  until I left Buffalo Airport today....
it feels like God, my Abba Father picked me up in His arms and showered me with all the wonderful things I could ever imagine for the whole 5 days... I have never experienced such hospitality and sincere love from people that hardly knew me... special revelations from Him, tremendous Worship times, His people going out of their way to bless me...
after experiencing the way He looked after me and blessed me beyond belief I am more sure than before that He loves me and that He is indeed a trustworthy Father, friend and lover of my soul...
He has been revealing some things to me about the plans He has for me that have put my longings and occasional self pity into perspective... He IS in control of all things and His purpose can never be thwarted... by NO ONE.. leaving my children in His capable arms was not as hard as I had expected... and even if they might not quite experience Him the way I do (YET) He still is all that for them too..... all we will ever need..... #Blessedbeyondbelief