... soul-parching thirst.....

got sick... so maybe this is why I was caught up in those sad and dark moments of the last few days... hormone levels might have something to do with it too... but, rather than trying to understand on a human level, God gave me something today....


As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. ( Psalm 42:1+2)
 

thinking back to the days when I was a child, lying in bed at night I would wonder and question what life was all about... I read my huge big Children's Bible a few times and for many years I wondered what else there was for me.... searching for God, longing for something far deeper than my religious education had taught me....

in light of those scriptures my late night ponderings, feelings of loneliness and longings so deep make sense, no wonder no human ever has been able to fulfill them....
this was delivered to my mailbox this morning,  a daily devotional... this is what my God communicated to me to clarify what I have been feeling again these last couple of nights:

most of the time life is so loud and noisy it drowns out what is going on in our souls...
"Yet sometimes, the deep longing throbs are loud enough to wake us up and remind us of our soul-parching thirst for the fountain of divine love.
In these moments of absolute weakness, of absolute dependence, we can do nothing but simply ache for the presence of God. This longing is a sign that Love has already reached out to us and is drawing us ever closer, ever upward into His heart. And He comes and satisfies our thirst with a spring of love that knows no bounds. "

all my "sad" moments of longing, basically all my life, rather than explaining them in human terms and searching to "blame" someone ( bad me, I shouldn't do that... I know my God is sovereign..... ) this is what it is and has always been... a longing for the divine Love of my Father, because in His limitless love He had already allowed me to get a glimpse of it when I was very young.... so my longing for Him did not let me rest until it was time for Him to reveal Himself to me over 17 years ago.... the longing continues, will never be totally fulfilled until the day I will meet Him face to face.... so...again.... I am choosing to let anyone off the hook whoever was not able to fulfill my deepest longings... in reality my soul was yearning for the Love of God.... as He continues to draw me upward into His heart I will feel that utter aloneness here on earth, after all, my citizenship is in Heaven....