... better is one day in your courts...

a little more than a year has gone by since I started blogging, inspired by one of the new friends I had made after embarking on this journey of Miriam, the single woman...
288 posts later , that's crazy, here I am....
proud mother of three wonderful daughters, who have grown up and matured tremendously in the last 12 months... all three of them a daily delight for me...
loving daughter of my wonderful mother, love more freely shared and expressed since almost losing her 3 months ago... forgiveness and full reconciliation .....
connected a lot more to both my brother and my sister... learning more and more about grace and accepting people for who they are...... ( duh... about time... )
thankful to my friends, and to the One who gave them to me....
Director of Hope for Life Pregnancy Care Center, which will be opening it's doors God willing in September 2011... a ministry the Lord had placed on my heart years ago...
strengthened in my faith,  refined a bit more... impurities, some of them at least, brought to the surface and skimmed off... shaped and formed a little bit more into His likeness I hope through walking with Him like never before...
still trying to figure out charting the waters of "singlehood" a little scary and very confusing at times... but He will lead me and guide me in this area as well...
looking back coming up with a theme is not very hard.... forgiveness and trust...
forgiving, a daily habit, trusting Him more and more each day when you cannot make out the light at the end of the tunnel and only your faith tells you it is there.... helps very much with the day to day trust in "normal" circumstances...
I knew, believed it, that there would be a time when I would be able to look back and see the good in all the bad and could full heartedly thank God for entrusting me with the hardship....
I know He knew that I could handle it, He allowed it to show me that I could, He allowed it to burn away unnecessary stuff in me... to make me more like Him, to show me just how much I really needed Him, to reveal to me how much He loved me and how trustworthy He really is.... wow....
I didn't enjoy some of the process, but I am thankful for it...
My God reigns... the Creator of the Universe is my refuge and my rock, He leads me to quiet waters to restore my soul, for His name's sake... surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.... better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere... and that's just the truth.... #SoliDeoGloria

.... the Affection of Jesus....

learned something new in church today... no new facts, but a thought and a feeling was given a name... straight from the WORD!!!!
had read this passage many times before..  never picked up on it before though...Philippians 1 : 3-11.... talks about the "affection of Jesus"
so excited to be able to put a name to the tremendous love I feel for so many people in my life...
since becoming a Christian I have encountered many fellow believers and have felt that overwhelmingly intense love for them, pure and wholesome, it still has left me at my wit's end sometimes because I didn't know what to do with it... reaching out with encouraging words, acts of service and help and a commitment to pray for them, delighting in their company... all of that sometimes just didn't seem to be enough....

truth is I love them with the affection of Jesus.... how exciting is that.... the most wonderful kind of love there is, Agape love, totally unconditional and selfless... a sacrificing love... a love that does not expect anything in return... but out of this love one is willing to lay down his life .. giving of my time and attention freely....
He loves us like this.... He did give His life... He is intimately involved in our lives, willing to give us all His attention and all the help and support we ever need....

 2 years ago, after my heavenly Father gently had led me through the 13th chapter of Corinthians, burning away any selfish fiber in my heart ( like only He can )... any expectation and demand... when by showing me how I had failed to love my husband the way He had wanted me to, He enabled me to do a better job loving like this...

it baffled all my brothers and sisters in Christ back then, why God would have done that only for it being too late, for him to walk away anyways... wondering why the timing seemed to be so off...
well, with God nothing is ever off.... I think He purified my heart, taught me even in a marriage setting to love His way and then released me..  for such a time as this... my future, my hope... the marvellous plans He has for me... I am loving my mother, my sister with this love again, and even my Ex husband ... never had a problem to love my kids that way... and my fellow Christians....

prepared for a new life with the man that God has for me... it fills me with excitement... and anticipation...  (patience  still an issue sometimes  :(  )... but I know that He is good... He  always is....

the affection of Jesus... such a wonderful, wonderful thing.... such a precious gift, undeserved and all consuming... filled up inside with it... it is a privilege to share it.... #SoliDeoGloria

..... tossed to and fro......

the early morning frenzy... making smoothies, lunch, cutting up fruit for snacks, feeding dogs, and getting all but the dogs out of the door is once again done for a whole week.... wow...

sitting down with my puppy on the couch to entice her to eat her food... ( because otherwise she will not eat until later at night and then wake me up at least twice to have something to drink and then pee, in the middle of the night... ) I am praying and thanking God for the new day... I am praising Him for the fact that this time the feeling of
 " I guess I am really getting over this finally" is not just a short lived peak just to fall back into some pit of sadness......

looking back, sharing my "vast experience" ( :S ) with a friend who is going through it now too, the statement that the healing does not come as a nice slowly moving up kind of process but rather this up and down roller coaster that has you trying to hold on for dear life it moves so uncontrollably fast... is such a TRUE statement....

it seems that after some time and some healing work by the Healer this little tiny vessel called Miriam has entered smoother waters... realizing that there is no quick fix and that one of the things one needs to be committed to is to live all the ups and downs and continue to trust God, even though depending in what direction  and how high up you are being tossed, you might wonder if He is really there.....

after that Wild Water Ride of the last 2 years I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He indeed is at work even when we feel so utterly helpless, alone, hurt and forgotten.... He works through those feelings and applies His healing one little layer at a time....

at first you don't even notice it... after all, circumstances sometimes rip the thin layers off again, and that hurts more than just taking off a band aid.... but, He keeps on doing it... at all times, every day, every minute .... and..... if we continue to be obedient, forgive those that have trespassed against us, we will one day look up and realize that the waves around us are not high anymore... peaceful waters are surrounding us and such a surge of love fills our hearts, because we know that we know that we know that it was ALL Him, it is because He is what we are not... consistent, faithful and reliable... ALWAYS....

looking back I can see that many of the "battle fields" I had been living with for so long now are at peace... relationships restored and love flowing freely again.... sickness and tragedy have burned away tension and hang ups and yes, His plans are to prosper and not to harm... even when that's hard to see for the little boat that is tossed to and fro.... they are to give  hope and a future... a peaceful future in the arms of the Saviour...

I am not an Amusement Park / Roller Coaster / Wild Water Rides participant... but I have watched my kids do all of them many times... crazily steep hills and jerky turns and curves are followed by quieter stretches.... just before another wild and scary part is about to come...

in "real life" when walking with the Lord... there for sure are going to be more scary and unsettling circumstances around the next corner as well, the difference is that as He carries us through the bad, we learn to trust Him more and more and because of our personal experiences of His faithfulness in difficult situations, His perfect and LOVING plan.... we are not tossed about the way we were before...
my mother's illness, my daughter's cancer scare.... they all did not take away the peace I had.... and I am so thankful for that..... I am so grateful, I am more than happy to honor Him and praise Him and exalt Him through all that I do ( or at least really try)....... it's all I can. do.. Love Him with all my heart... give Him my life... and tell other's about Him....... they need to know just how wonderful He is.... #SoliDeoGloria

... Father's Day Take 2.... moving on..

yesterday was a beautiful day... the sun was shining and it was Sunday.... the day when every week over 800 Million people in the world come together to worship our Lord Jesus Christ...
worshipping with my church family.. even though I was quite sick and still weak from the stomach issues the day before... even though I couldn't stand up for some of the worship time, it was the best place for me to be...

the love that has been carrying me through my life for the last 17 years will never fail... I know that for a fact.
I didn't think I would arrive at this point in my life and be able to already look back and realize  that what I always believed to be true was true indeed...
this was my first favorite verse , I discovered it early on ...
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)
over the years I have clung to this promise as He gave me more and more verses along the way to go with it....
tanning on my cute little patio with my little flower pots of herbs and my fluffy little puppies all cuddled up underneath my lounge chair I was reflecting on how I was feeling this Father's Day compared to the one last year.....
just over the last little while I have been realizing just how much I have relaxed and how what I chose to do and actually continually decide to do out of obedience to God, forgiving those that sin against me, has allowed His healing to take place in the torn-up places of my heart...

so used to the pain, it took a while to register that it actually is not really that bad anymore... a feeling of relief and freedom is replacing the feeling of abandonment and unbelievable betrayal....
moving passed the hurt as layers of healthy skin are covering the wounds... oh how magnificent a healer my Saviour is... how wonderful His prescription... no pain killers masking the symptoms but rather deep surgery cleaning out the wound, letting go and forgiving, allowing real healing to take place...
humbled by Him, I am able to see that only by His grace have I not committed these kind of sins...  followed by acceptance and a release of the one who just didn't know any better....

meeting with his future wife, I think we were enjoying each other's company, I was able to honestly wish them the best, my blessing and my prayers... praying that they will find happiness and most of all, will find Him.... this encounter was such a step towards healing for me and I believe my kids as well....

so this Father's Day was a good day... for the father, the children and me... no more bad feelings for being on my own but rather a joy for the time they had together and prayers for a peaceful time for them...
bar-b-queing once again for us at night, the relaxed atmosphere on my little patio was another moment of  marvelling at just how faithful He is.... He has turned into something good what was very hard.... and not supposed to be... bad choices transformed into a heart more full of love than ever before......

... a beautiful day with wonderful news...KIDNEYS ARE CLEAR!!!

it is a beautiful day today...
it is my little One's half birthday today... yes, her half birthday... she is 14 and a half... and today, we got some very good news... for a while there was this potentially black Eeyore cloud kind of circling over her... by His grace we did have peace and the cloud was forced to retreat... just to try to come back again... and again...

today is a beautiful day... because today we got the results of the CT scan and... whatever it was that they saw on that Ultrasound a few weeks ago... they thought for sure a stone and possibly a mass.... it's all gone... nothing there anymore... faithful friends and family have been praying... and God has been good... once again...

today is a beautiful day.. exactly 18 months after their father walked out of our lives, another bridge was built... a bridge meant to ease relating amongst family members... helping I hope in the healing process... accepting and embracing the status quo...

today is a beautiful day ...because He never lets us go anywhere without being right there with us... on my way this morning, after I got the news I prayed and I thanked Him, I praised Him and asked Him to give me the words for the meeting I was going to....
.... and... no surprises here... He definitely did...

it is a beautiful day today.... a beautiful day indeed... because it is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it..... #PTL

.... clinging to the truth... rather than a HUGE LIE...

life... not always easy...  hasn't been, since Adam and Eve... actually a lot easier today than even a hundred years ago... our sense of entitlement... our idea we have a "right" to happiness / an easy life... more of an invention of our times... ridiculous really....
people dying of hunger... every second, people killed in wars, always, children abused, abducted, sold, mistreated... always... people dying of diseases, horrible living conditions.. always...
two things are happening that make us think this life is so bad... and how could a loving God allow this..
one, today, with our wealth and all the technology and media, we know about everything that goes on in the world at all times... never before would we have known about it... we also have been sensitized ( which is a good thing)... living in the after glow of a society that was committed to Christ and implemented many of His principles in this world, caring for the needy, the sick and mistreated, implementing a system of law enforcement...
and.. secondly... many of us have no idea about history... do you know how people lived let's say 300 years ago? do you have any idea about the heartache... how hard life really was?
talking with my daughter today about cancer and how we think this is so rampant today? the truth is, "old age" cancer has probably always been around... old people died... no one knew why... it was accepted... even young people died.. life expectancy was not as high as it is today... mother's died in childbirth, infant mortality was horrifyingly high... but, people accepted it, accepted that life was hard...
so, today, instead of being thankful for all the changes for the better that God has allowed and brought about... we grumble about how hard life is..
so we get sick? we have to deal with relationship problems? well, welcome to the real world... not the world of romance novels and movies... the real world...
for sure this generation is facing issues and heartache that are new to this world... the negative side of the innovations and progress... the loss of what was a godly society at one point in time.. morals declining and environmental health risks... all this is true...
have often thought about the trouble in my life as what is driving me to Him... ever thought about that's why it is here? the "thorn" in our thighs... showing us that we need God.. need Him every second of every day of our lives... with Him, difficulties can be overcome.. peace can be found... and dying... it becomes the passing on from this world into the next... traveling from a place that is not our home, to the place where our citizenship is.. in Heaven...
life... a gift.. every breath.. a gift... every moment of happiness and joy, an undeserved gift, from the Father to us... entitlement? A huge lie.... meant to destroy joy and thankfulness..
focusing on the blessings...  like a smile, a beautiful day, even sorrows shared.. knowing Him more each day... living for His glory... # SoliDeoGloria

... 4 x 4's and "incomprehensible" GRACE and LOVE

the 4 x 4 with the pillow around it...  God's justice... His righteous anger..  God's mercy... His grace.. His love... all of this going on at the same time... He loves unconditionally, because of His mercy, understanding... when we didn't deserve it or even wanted it , He sent His Son to pay for our sins... this was necessary because He is Holy... He cannot tolerate sin... He is just, all about justice, so His Son had to pay the price... in His love for us He chose to sacrifice Him... the lamb without blemish... without sin...
He gave His only Son, will He not give us all we ever need.... for love and godliness that is....
He chose us, for our own benefit.. but not only for that... He chose us, so that we through our lives would represent Him well... that's the reason there are 4 x 4's......
outspoken about my faith as I am, and I believe I need to be, I have to be hit over the head sometimes... need to be convicted in order not to compromise Him... who He is... I, like everyone else can go astray very easily... without noticing it sometimes I could be sinning... and, my Father in Heaven in His unfailing love for me needs to show it to me then...
so that's what He did on Sunday... I was kind of turning into a direction that potentially could have harmed my testimony... that first little step into an area of temptation that could in time become too much to resist... I am thanking Him for making this so clear for me on Sunday...
but... and that's what blows me away... He doesn't stop there... so I had to walk away from something I thought I was wanting... and I prayed... I pleaded... in church and again at home at night...
telling Him what was going on in my heart, reminding Him of His scriptures.. His promises, asking for His help .... and this is what I meant earlier... He blows me away... there is no need for Him to prove His love to me, He already did when Jesus thought of me when dying on the cross... and yet... and not for the first time either, in a VERY tangible way did He reach into my heart and give me some answer to the longing of my heart... this is the omnipotent God of the Universe we are talking about... the One that holds the whole world in His hands...you would think He would be too busy to cater to my needs in such a way.... the attention to detail is  "unreal" ... but so REAL...He is REAL , deeply invested in my life.. I will never fully comprehend it.. not while I am here anyways....
in the meantime... still no news... called the  Dr's office and they have not heard... good news???
a meeting with my friend, inspecting the office for Hope for Life, arranging for the phone line, keys, making plans to paint and make this place the haven it will be for those in despair... God is so good, so big and so mighty, there is nothing my God cannot do!!!!     #SoliDeoGloria

.. loving Sundays... and NO NEWS YET...

I love Sundays... love going to church... talking to a friend about yesterday's sermon, how great it was, I stated that in the 13 years and 4 months I have been going to my church I have yet to hear a sermon by my fav pastor that I didn't think was great... great in terms of life changing and challenging... "Holy Spirit nudging" , sometimes even more than that... like yesterday... that was more like a 4x4 hitting me over my head... with a pillow around it because of God's mercy.... He just blesses my heart..
then, Beyond the Stage Gala Show, the Competitive Dance recital turned Charity Event...once again, such a privilege to be part of a Dance Studio that is owned by 2 wonderful Christian women, who do not only teach our children how to dance really well but also try to shape their character and help them take their eyes off themselves...  they are encouraged to give of themselves to the children of the "start2finish" program in Guelph... a Canada wide charity helping underprivileged kids by offering them an after school program to show them they matter...  a reading and running program... providing hope and focus and helping in real practical ways by providing backpacks, school supplies and running shoes as well..
this is the 2nd year our kids have been able to be a part of teaching these kids a dance... last night at the end of the show, the start2finish kids came on stage for the final number and danced together with the whole competitive team ... brought to the theatre in a stylish Limo bus, I am sure they had a great time.. at the end of the show Center Stage was able to present a cheque of 12,500 Dollars to start2finish...  what a wonderful blessing...
church in the morning and the love of Christ lived out in the evening... it doesn't get any better than this..
 still no news from the Doctor's office... still not panicking... still trusting.. someone said if there was something bad I would have heard by now... well, God knows and He loves her more than I...  that's my update.. it was a great day yesterday,... it was indeed... #SoliDeoGloria

... waiting for news...

.. Friday afternoon, the work week at my hometown medical clinic has come to an end... and we have not received word yet ... no results from the CT scan... so more waiting... I am getting it... patience is learned through waiting...
this has been a whirlwind of a week and it keeps on going...
last night we celebrated my eldest daughter's University Graduation... a nice dinner at a cozy authentic french restaurant... all around a pleasant evening.. so proud of my accomplished daughter...
not only has she now a degree from the University of Toronto, she has been working as the Marketing manager at her Dad's company for the last year and just recently started working as the Event manager for her uncle.. for us she is the one that bakes, and makes everything nice and smiley and sunny....
looking after her little sister when I was away for so long and taking care of the little puppies... she truly has grown up... amazing...
tonite... I am going to go to a Natalie Grant concert... she finally came up to Canada... love her and her music, she was one of the artists on the Michael W. Smith and friends Cruise last year... some of her songs have been a great source of comfort during difficult times...
tomorrow there is another Tech Run at the theatre in Guelph and on Sunday the last recital of the year... lot's going on and like I said, that's good...
takes our mind of things... no news are good news... for now anyways... since I, by God's grace am not borrowing tomorrow's trouble and worry since today has enough of it's own... true too...
troubled about what's happening in my parent's life... not happy about the insensitivity of this father of mine... my poor Mama so sad on the phone... wanna quickly go get her out of that situation... and keep her safe... and pamper her and take care of all her needs, lovingly... praying all I can do for her right now..
did 2 chapters of a study this morning... had me digging deep into the Word and meet my Father in Heaven once again.. all these wonderful attributes of His... qualities we all lack... in need of being changed so desperately... so great that He will never give up on us... He is always here, He hears, He sees, He loves unconditionally, He provides, He is able...more than able to accomplish all that concerns me today... Praise be to Him!

... CT scan and hives...

today, when my daughter went into the room to get her CT scan done, after she got her IV and needed me to hold her hand, being all scared of it... after we had been sitting waiting for a long time and we talked all about what this could mean... best case scenario... worst case scenario... she was very good about accepting me saying that we wouldn't worry until we knew for sure...
once  she had left  it was I who was worried about what this all could mean... I found myself getting really scared and sad... something had me worried.... the nurse when getting her to get the IV was a bit confused because our family doctor had only stated to look for kidney stones, which would not have required the dye, so no IV, the radiologist at the hospital then ordered the dye anyways according to the report from the Ultrasound... that scared me....
she came back not even ten minutes later and was not feeling well, hot, nauseous and itchy... hives showed up instantly ... her stomach hurt, helping her relax, the pain in her tummy did go away again, but the hives kept itching... the technician took us to the Emergency Department, to wait and see what was going to happen with the allergic reaction... IV needle still there in case medication would have to be administered...
an hour later I signed the paperwork stating that I was fully responsible if anything bad was going to happen to my daughter.. she was hungry, her hives were not as red or itchy anymore... so I decided it was time to leave the hospital... the 1 1/2 hours had become 3 1/2 hours... time to go...
when we got home and she was settled on the couch I went online and researched again all aspects of what this could mean...
since we heard about the mass God has been great ... I have had real peace, I still do, somewhat.
it will be good to get the results, one way or another, at least we will know what we are dealing with...
I know that the Lord is holding my little daughter in the palm of His hands... He will be with her, whatever the news we will get in two to three days will be....
I am not panicking, I am trying to rest in the Lord and trust Him....  He will never leave us or forsake us...

..... daughter of the King....

seeing more pictures from Franklin, the church service such a personal affair, Whitney was there it looks like, on Worship team with her husband... so nice, Debbie reading scripture and Michael preaching... I knew this was going to be so extremely special..
I found myself sitting in the audience last night,  watching the "Night of the Stars" the Solo Duet and Trio show... and once more I was thankful that I was there and not still in Franklin, as it was planned...
my daughter had generously "allowed" me to miss this, and the truth is, I had seen her Solo and all the others as well.... but being there last night was important... it was moving, it showed me something I knew already, but needed to be reminded of..
the Father has blessed us so much by allowing us to be part of another family, and I am not exaggerating because that's what I realized again: I love all these kids, I am so proud of them as if they were my own, I love their parents and it is such a privilege to be part of something so amazing.... to see them all down there dancing their little hearts out.... such talent and spunk, so precious...
 there were a few moments were tears came to my eyes..... all of a sudden I was assaulted by the thought that if the CT scan would show some real problem, next year we might not be here....
thankfully I have learned this:
The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.  We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. ( 2 Cor 10: 4+5 )
thoughts like this one that just don't fit under any of these categories: Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ( Phil 4:8 )
I know that because the Bible also tells me  not to worry about tomorrow.... Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own
( Matthew 4:34 ) that in itself might sound like something that is impossible to do... with Christ though, all things are possible.... it is possible because I know in whom my trust lies.... in the Creator of the Universe, the Maker of Heaven and Earth....
Praise the LORD, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.  Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—  who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,  who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. ( Psalm 103 )
so, coming back to last night.... oh how blessed we are... how good God is... all the time... she did so tremendously well... I was so proud.... "Night of the Stars" for sure... precious daughter of the King... He will take care of her.... that's a no brainer....

... yielding to the Potter's Hands....

..so, I was not in Franklin, TN this morning, I didn't attend the Worship service Michael W Smith was leading... and, my friend posted a picture of him holding his grandson Smith... such a cute little boy...
instead, I was at my church, worshipping with my people... and He was there, and He communicated some wonderful and difficult stuff to me... I know I was meant to be there... nowhere else...
we sang a song... a song I love, we haven't sung this one in a while... that's how it goes:

Beautiful Lord, Wonderful Saviour

I know for sure, all of my days are held in your hands, crafted 

into your perfect plan

You gently call me into your presence guiding me by Your Holy Spirit

Teach me dear Lord to live all of my life through Your eyes

I'm captured by Your holy calling

Set me apart, I know you're drawing me to yourself

Lead me Lord I pray

Take me, Mold me, use me, fill me

I give my life to the Potter's hand

Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me

I give my life to the Potter's hand

( by Darlene Zschech )

I know for sure, all of my days are held in His hands.. crafted into His perfect plan.....

I know this, I believe this, and yet just lately with the wedding approaching I really have struggled, I guess what happened to my friend has also just brought some part of the anger back...

today I am challenged to let go of my anger and self pity, I have forgiven and I cannot take it back... I don't really want to take it back either....

I know for sure, all of my days are held in His hands.. crafted into His perfect plan.....

that is the truth... now , if I have a problem with that I have to figure that out with Him...  but who am I to question the Potter, I am just the clay, sinful and broken, He chose me to give me His spirit and the assurance of eternal life with Him... I am to serve Him with what He has given me, and share the Good News with others... that's what I am doing... I am blessed... 

His plan for my life is PERFECT...   He leads me gently... is setting me apart, walks with me and will never stop molding me and changing me....

I need to stop resisting Him.... and what He is doing... so I am here and now choosing to forgive again and let go...  nothing is more satisfying than obedience..

it was a GREAT morning at Georgetown Alliance Church... the Lord was there... I think He was pleased with our worship.....

...sorry Lord for the thing I've made it....

... so staying home was the best thing to do... with my daughter all day yesterday, having the painkillers ready for her... getting her out the door for the two little kids recitals she is in today.. not sure how they / she would have made that work...
had some special times together babysitting two very precious little boys last night.. like old times when I was taking care of the older one a few days a months...so much fun!!!
the sun is shining this morning, my flowers loved the rain yesterday, all is good..
getting myself ready to go to church.. to ascribe worth to my Lord and Saviour, to show Him and everyone around that He is my All in All....

When the music fades 

And all is stripped away 

And I simply come 

Longing just to bring 

Something that's of worth 

That will bless your heart 

I'll bring You more than a song 

For a song in itself 

Is not what You have required 

You search much deeper within 

Through the ways things appear 

You're looking into my heart 

I'm coming back to the heart of worship 

And it's all about You 

All about You, Jesus 

I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it 

When it's all about You 

It's all about You Jesus 

King of endless worth 

No one could express 

How much You deserve 

Though I'm weak and poor 

All I have is Yours 

Every single breath 

I'll bring You more than just a song 

For a song in itself 

Is not what You have required 

You search much deeper within 

Through the way things appear 

You're looking into my heart 

I'm coming back to the heart of worship 

And it's all about You 

All about You, Jesus 

I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it 

When it's all about You 

It's all about You Jesus 

Its all about you 

Jesus 

 (  by Matt Redman )

thankful I can go to church this morning... thankful I get to show Him how much He means to me. show Him how thankful I am for who He is, how He blesses me and that without Him I would not be able to keep on going..... because it is all about Jesus... Praise be to His name forever!

.... from losses to thankfulness..

I have always been a thinker, trying to figure things out, I have always had a vivid imagination, and I was born with A LOT of fear...
so I thought a lot about death, and dying, and of what life was all about... my parents not coming home when they should have, I saw the accident, like I said, vivid imagination, blood everywhere, my mother and father dead....
I remember thinking a lot about my death as well... believing I was a Christian and going to heaven was a comfort, my Grandma was there, so I would see her again, that made me happy...  but the trouble I had most about dying was that life would go on without me...
... when thinking about it even as a child I realized that this was a good thing, it needed to be like that... and still, it was the one thing that bothered me...
spending time with a beloved sister in Christ, who can relate to me now, and I would so much rather not have anyone being able to relate to the troubles of having been cheated on and abandoned.... but she can now... we ended up talking one time about the fact that life keeps going on... again, that is necessary and good.... but it still hurts, because, for us it seems, it has come to a screeching halt.... the perpetrators move on, they are the ones making the choices, and in my case are building this seemingly perfect life for themselves... friends, as caring as they are, their lives go on as well..... almost a year and half later, pretty much everyone ( but a few really close ones) must be more than TIRED of hearing about my issues, I hate being the complainer, I do not want to grab the attention all the time....... come on, I SHOULD be over this by now.......
but what was intended to make "life less complicated" for the one making the choices, led to making life a whole lot more complicated for us...  left on the outside counting my losses, trying to live up to all the responsibilities now on my plate, occupying all my time and using up all my energy... working on a new life??? yup, nothing left to do that.....
some pathetic little attempts of having a few happy moments, planned a long time ago, days counted down for quite some time... and circumstances happen, and with me being the "sole soul care giver "
I happily gave that up, I knew it was the right thing.... looking at some pictures of last night in Nashville a new found wonderful Christian sister posted late at night for me....I feel once again, that life goes on without me..... as it should.... but it hurts...
this new friend who promised to document the weekend for me, said something really meaningful and nice to me: " Know that the opportunities are a lot greater for you this weekend.. take a lot of pictures :) "
that's wisdom... that is one sister in Christ speaking truth to another.... so I shall, I need to... I love to....
we are having a CT scan sometime next week for my daughter, the school has been more than understanding... so that takes a lot of stress off her... I am thankful for that... this weekend will be very busy with rehearsals and recitals for the little kids she assists... I shall try and find some photo opportunities, a passion I used to have, that somehow got lost in the rubble of the train wreck... oh well...
enough of all this..
I am thankful for what Jesus did for me on the cross, that He walks with me every step of the way,that He keeps His promises and that He promised to turn into something good what other's have meant for evil, I am thankful for my daughters, my mother, and that she is still with us, my siblings, my friends, my pastor, my church, my ministry, my doggies, my car, my house, my new BBQ ( thanks to the Ex-husband), my flowers in my pots on my patio, sunshine this last week.......  and that it is only 400 days... really a piece of cake... until the next High light in my life, the Michael W Smith and Friends Cruise 2012!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

... an unsuspecting little train ....

..changes, most of us don't like them.. it is nice when things keep on going the way we know it, especially when we like the way they are going...
reminiscing with a great friend today about a time when both our lives where on one of those nice tracks... kids not too young anymore, busy with all kinds of fun activities, good friends, involved in the church, in small groups, exciting ministry life, vacations, year after year, no big changes, kids moving through school.. nice routines , high lights... just nice...
funny how we never even imagine that things could change... but the kids grow up,  find boyfriends, move out, get married... job situations change, financial circumstances change... relationships change... not always for the better... and we do not like it...
my friend said it feels like you have been thrown in the air... funny, this is the way I used to explain how I felt... like this little train that was nicely going along in his tracks.. just to be jolted and catapulted into the air... by unforeseen circumstances.... eventually falling back down, bruised and bent out of shape... trying to find it's bearings... looking for the carts... the little ones that were attached to it... the ones it had been pulling so faithfully.... they too were damaged and hurt.... all confused...
the last 18 months we have been trying to restore some of the little train to it's old shape... sometimes with more success than other times....
some dents are only showing up now... some complications only now visible...
this train accident... not a very nice thing...
but then, there has been a brand new track... following THE track more closely.... new direction... an awareness that the One in charge of all the tracks and the trains is never more than a breath away... pushing us when we feel we can't make it up the hill, pointing us in the right direction when we come to a switch and don't know what way to go...nice...
more changes... little jolts here and there, none as devastating as that one big one was... still difficult, because, we just don't like the changes... the One, He never changes, He is the same today, yesterday and tomorrow.... He is always in control, even in the jolts, the changes, the unforeseen circumstances... He is always at work in us... and as much as sometimes we just want things to stay the way they are...He does know best....

... running ahead (away from?) my best friend...

you know my "obsession" with Nashville and all the wonderful Christian people that are living there... following these two pastors of this cool church, and one of them posted today that his book was available for 2.99 for the kindle...... I had heard about it before and thought that for that kind of money it was definitely worth getting it... " Plan B: What Do You Do When God Doesn't Show Up The Way You Thought He Would?" by Pete Wilson.....

now me, the orthodox conservative Christian that I am, I did have a bit of a problem with "Plan B" when I first read the title...  I do believe that God does not have a Plan B for our lives, that He is never surprised, but that somehow He knows even the wrong choices we will make and work all the bad stuff out for our good... that He is totally sovereign and also allows the bad stuff in our lives to refine us...
anyways, it turns out Pete really is talking about what we would look at as Plan B, the place we are finding ourselves in when our Plan A is not working out the way we thought it would...

read the first 3 chapters and I am captivated....

dreams, plans, hopes, ideas.... how wonderful that God made us that way... he made us in His image and no one can deny how creative He is...you only have to look at nature and you can see how much He enjoys beauty, how much He loves detail, how romantic and full of love He is....
so no wonder we have plans and dreams....
living in this fallen world, often times those dreams do not come true... things do not turn out the way we would like for them to work out...
as we get older and are faced with unexpected "turns of events" again and again, we can't help to realize something: we are not in control of our lives, we cannot make the dreams happen and come true, we cannot always prevent the plans from not working out the way we would like them to work out, our ideas might be wrong, the choices we have made might not always have been the wisest...
using the life of David as an example of how we react when life doesn't work out like planned and we feel that God could have, should have fixed it for us.... Pete says we often times turn our back on God and run... trying to control things and fix them ourselves...doubting that God is still there and wondering if He really is on our side... figuring we know what God's plan is we are running ahead fixing it for Him..
now, how foolish is that? I know that I have done this before.... actually just a few weeks ago I thought I needed to help Him along a bit... He couldn't really mean He wanted me to still be alone... alone, when my Ex husband and his fiance were enjoying preparing for their upcoming wedding, when beautifully made up invitations for my girls were arriving  and I was hearing more and more of all the wonderful plans they are having.... He couldn't mean for me not to finally find that great man He has for me... so, I signed up for a Christian Dating Site again.... how foolish of me.... I have come to the conclusion before that a task that complicated has to be orchestrated by God Himself, or it can never work out....
not to say that He wouldn't work through a dating site... I know He has.... but in His time, when the time is right.... and for me, it definitely is not, not yet... too busy... too busy with my family, the Center, with all the curve balls illnesses have thrown me lately.... and, too early for my heart... so, a few days ago I canceled my membership again.... right in time to get the scary news about my daughter... duh......
she is my top priority right now, so are my other two daughters... I am treasuring the time I have with them, without having to worry about investing enough of myself and my time into a new relationship....

I enjoyed the first few chapters, I am sure Pete will have more great insights for me... love that he uses the scriptures to explain the concepts... and, what a nice guy, he even replies personally to some woman from Canada....
God's people are just great... there are definitely some great ones in Nashville, Tennessee... :D

...whatever it takes, Lord....

so I did it, I canceled my trip... I am okay with it because the responsibility and the love for my child just are so much more important than my happiness for a few days....
another appointment with the Dr tomorrow and hopefully a plan of action, not of waiting...
still convinced that she will be fine...
seeing pictures on fb about the tent they put up on MWS's farm.... makes me a bit sad, everyone has been so very caring and nice ... it is 403 days until the cruise next year... waiting, gladly...
read something today that when we worry we do not trust... I am blessed to realize that I am not worried, I am realistic, I researched all this could mean right away... but I am not worried... I trust.
I remember when I used to be so scared of flying... afraid of what could happen... now I pray before we take off and I am just perfectly fine... I used to be so afraid of being alone in the house at night, when my (ex-)husband was away,  with kids and dogs in the house... I could never sleep, until I was told to read Psalm 27 out loud to myself every night...
since being without a husband  I have had nights were it has been just me, even in my big mansion... and I was not afraid at all... when he walked out on us and the pain, disbelief and fear of the unknown wanted to drown me... over time, through meditating on scripture I was able to have peace and trust..
my mother's ordeal, I prayed, prayed a lot, but I was not worried, I trusted Him... even if the outcome would have been worse than it has been... and now this.
it seems I am quite experienced handling bad news now... trusting Him with whatever the outcome will be... for the strength for the journey and His love and provision, His compassion, His healing power but most of all for that He will rescue me / us  from every evil attack and will bring me / us safely to his heavenly kingdom.  (2 Tim 4:18)
growing up in Christ, getting to know Him more and more, having relied on His promises and not been disappointed, having accepted the fact that in this world we DO have troubles, I am okay, and thankfully can communicate this to my child... pray with her when she gets scared and point her to her Daddy in Heaven...
my prayer for my kids has always been that they would love Him as much or more than I do... and for the last 5 months I have even dared to pray "whatever it takes, Lord"... so there we are... whatever it takes, Lord... I trust you for them!!!!!