.. suffering according to God's will?????

I was having a test done on a few weeks ago at the hospital and because of that had a phone conversation with a nurse asking me many health related questions.. out of nowhere came this one:

Have you ever been abused, physically, verbally, emotionally or sexually.....
it took me aback for a moment... did not expect a question like this to come up when having a colonoscopy done..

and then I answered yes .....just being honest.
when I hung up I was once again saddened that yes is the honest answer.






for 12 days before that phone conversation I had been taking care of my father, who, having struggled with Parkinson's for the last 10 years or so needs help and can't live alone anymore.
my sister takes care of him usually and I am forever grateful for her willingness to be the full time care taker  for now.
hanging around and helping my father for many days, it was not surprising to me that his anger would erupt at some point in time.
feeble as he is, he no longer is a real threat, but the tone of his voice, the words he used and the blow I received, no matter it being weakened by what happens to your motor skills when you have this disease, nevertheless took me right back...

believing and "preaching" to everyone, those that want to hear it and those who do not want to hear it alike ;) that God is sovereign, I have come to terms with my past and have taken the prescribed steps to healing.

I have forgiven and I love. I forgive and I love. I pray. and I love. I ask for guidance and wisdom. and I love

I have to admit I have struggled when it happened. I was angry. I saw this man and what his behaviour has done to me. and how it has affected the people around me. and how it still continues to affect us all. I see where my need to protect my children from any anger that comes their way comes from. how my mother felt she needed to protect us. how the sin done by him led to more sin. how without knowing the Lord we came up with our own defense mechanisms, we didn't think we could trust any man...
when I finally met Jesus 24 years ago I understood and was able to surrender these things. it needed to be done not only once, but many times.
I trust God and I know He is trustworthy.
I am thankful that He just slowly chips away all that this hurt has distorted in me.

it's a process and it takes time.
it frustrates me that I am still struggling with this. not as much, but I still do.
new scenarios affected by it are just another way of refining me and all involved, making us continually look to Him who alone is worthy of our praise... when I trust Him I can come out from behind my walls, walls that were erected because life just was too scary and too painful...
so we keep on believing and entrusting... slowly looking up and opening the arms, arms that had to be so tightly wrapped around us... allowing the pain and the fear to be taken away...

He is a good, good Father.

Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator, while doing good.

1 Peter 4:19

... should I... or should I not....

about 8 years ago or so, in the midst of me trying to find my way through the toughest part of my journey so far, I started blogging...

some days I just couldn't help it and wrote not only one post a day, but sometimes up to three.. it helped me process and bring order into my chaos..
God was faithful and used my writing not only to bless me, but many others ( or so they said anyways)



then, over the last few years, my passion to write somehow slowed down a bit, to be honest I felt I was repeating myself...
God was narrowing it down for me... He has been pointing me to two things, again and again and again...

His Sovereignty and our JOY....

for many years I didn't read anything but my Bible... not wanting to hear what God was saying to others as much as I wanted to hear and study and find out what He was saying to me... through His Word and His Spirit in me...

in the last few years I have been reading more books again .... not by too many different authors, but by one particular one... John Piper to be exact...

... I have started to write down things, little notes on my phone with things the Lord continues to show me, so that in my aging mind I wouldn't forget when I would feel the need to write it down sometime..

in the very last little while I have been thinking and praying and wondering, do I have something to say?
is there value in what I am learning and understanding - not just for me, because let me tell you, there is HUGE value in it for me -
is there value for others in what God continues to show me?

I am sharing this as I am living life where the Lord has planted me, and God has been bringing and continues to bring people into my life, as friends, counselees and ladies in my Bible study groups..they all tell me that what I share blesses them..

now lately though, as I am thinking and praying and wondering, a thought has been coming back to me... is what I have to say worth putting together for something bigger than just a blog post, is this something God wants me to do???

So, the point of today's post is simply this : tell me what you are thinking...

if you are a friend who has been on this journey all along I want to hear from you.
if you are someone who just happens to read this post, maybe go back and read a few older post... there are thousands of them on here ;) I want to hear from you...
I am not in this for fame, far from it... I am also far to much of a realist to even consider that would happen... but is there value in me even entertaining the thought...
I am asking God,   and as I am asking I am writing this... pretty sure He wants me to get some feed back from you....

so let me tell you one thing :

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has a plan... it is a very well thought through and detailed plan, in His purposeful sovereignty and loving goodness, His has all of it planned out... so if this is part of His plan it will happen.... and if not, I am more than happy to put the thought to rest..
the freedom that comes from having seen Him orchestrating every little moment, the good ones and the bad ones, is phenomenal... it's a joy to submit to it...

it really is!

God bless you all!!!!!