....lay down the burden of your heart...

.. wow.... so fragile, so weak... so easily exhausted... taking two sips of water... eating a few spoonfuls of mashed potatoes... feeling the need to communicate... fever up, breathing laboured... rest desperately needed... overdoing it because that's just who she is...
there will be so much to learn for my mother... always the doer... controlling everything.... she will have to realize she needs to step back....
talking about how much "luck" she had.... my brother and her...
other than emotional I am also a black and white , analytical truth seeker... it makes so much more sense for me to rely on and trust the God of the Universe ( and they believe in Him... no question about that) to take care of my needs... than hope for and then credit "luck"... takes a lot more faith ...
my daughters and my sisters in Christ stepping in, taking care of my responsibilities at home... freeing me up to stay here with my mother for a bit longer... such a blessing... I am forever grateful to them being Christ to me...
when surrounded by the unforgiveness and bitterness of those that are not aware of their need for forgiveness... I am taking another step in growing in my faith, my trust in God... where will they go... will they ever understand... will they ever surrender? it is so hard watching the torment and seeing so clearly what is going on yet not being able to change anything for them.. I have shared where my hope comes from... I have been ridiculed and mistreated for it... I have been misunderstood and hated... I have lived it out in front of them, sometimes better, sometimes worse...
realizing that this too is up to Him all alone... that I need to live to bring Him glory and if it is in His plan He will save them.....

like it says in 1 Corinthians 3: 6+7 "I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow.  So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow."

Don't like it... wish I could make it happen... the way it goes now my prayer is that I am not hindering what God is doing.... understanding once again that it is Him... not me....
fighting it... but finally giving in... feeling relieved... a burden placed at His altar... into His capable hands... this is where I leave them.... climbing up into His lap... looking into His loving eyes... and I do not worry anymore... cancer, strife, hatred..... nothing is too big for my Jesus to deal with ......
My God is good, so strong and so mighty, there is nothing my God cannot do!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lay down the burden of your heart,

 you know you'll never miss it,

lay down the burden of your heart

and let your Daddy fix it...

( Amy Grant )

... hope that never disappoints... day 9 in the ICU...

bad day all around yesterday... darkness creeping in... trying to envelope us... standing firm, relying on His strength...exhausted and depleted.. going to the well... the water that satisfies... the Living Water...
the "truce" between opponents coming to an end... heart wrenching... so needless and so WRONG...
praying for God's will to be done, no matter what that will mean... because in the end, it is always the very best for us..

today...coming to the ICU.... my mother in the chair again, looking at us and for the first time really understanding what is going on... for a while, a real conversation, feeding her some oatmeal, even a few sips of coffee.... before exhausted she drifts back into the confusion and tells us all kinds of stories.. trying to figure out what is reality and what is drug induced dreams and nightmares...

exhausted, she is now taking a little nap... we will go back later this afternoon... back home, regrouping, gathering some more strength .. for the next encounter...

living in a world, ravaged by sin, disease, bitterness and heartache... I cannot contain my gratitude to the One who came and took all my guilt and shame and gave me a hope that will never disappoint, a hope not necessarily in all working out the way I would like it but for the Author and Perfecter of my faith to have won the victory and safely bring me to His Heavenly Kingdom...

 walking through a very dark place... His light leading the way through this darkness, that He alone can enlighten... my prayer: your will not mine... holding on to Him for dear life.. I know He will never leave me or forsake me... Father, open the eyes of those that do not know you... let their heart grow ears and give them your wisdom to see who they are and to realize they need you..... I will by your strength try to walk with you... so that they may know.... it is all from you.... Amen