..reflection...

wrote this yesterday:
on the plane, somewhere over Quebec, about an hour left on this flight..
listening to music on my iPad , thinking about the last 2 weeks and tomorrow night, with the music making it's way deep into my soul..
wondering if it is a blessing or a curse to feel as deeply as I do... I always have.......sometimes I think it would be easier to be more superficial, able to compartmentalize, not to be sooo in touch with my feelings... must be less exhausting, then again, I would never want to trade my deep feelings of joy, of closeness with God and with people for something else... if I was not feeling things like I do I wouldn't have the deep connections I have with the people I love...
learned a while ago that this is called the "affection of Jesus", so really, it is a gift rather than a curse, yes, definitely a blessing... the deep sadness is what comes with it, the price that has to be paid.... I guess it is like roses have thorns...
believing that God put our personalities together on purpose, for a purpose, I am okay with the way I feel pain..
reflecting on the last 2 weeks... with a thankful attitude.. I can say that it was very nice at times, definitely lots of time to relax and read, fun with the kids and good times even as a big family... the conflicts definitely less than other times..thanks be to God, ... so over all it was a good trip...  it remains a fact that in this world we will have troubles, but He definitely has overcome the world...
it was nice to be able to spend time in this corner of the world, beautiful mountains, sunshine and snow.. skiing still works.. ;) definitely enjoyed  that everyone was healthy and we did not have to spend our days in the hospital like the last 2 times I was there, such a blessing my mother’s health has been restored, another reason to thank God......
a few more days and life will be back to normal, looking forward to going back to work, daily prayer meetings with my beloved sisters in Christ... tons to do ..and that  is a very good thing..... He is blessing me... and I am so thankful....

it is morning right now in Canada..after a night in my own bed... I am praising God... because He is worthy to be praised... that will NEVER change..

... regrets....

thinking this morning about choices... good ones, and bad ones... ones we didn't know would be bad ones and only later found out they were, some that were bad, made knowingly... those are really bad... :(
wondering if there are people in this world that have no regrets?
I have many.
thinking about it this morning because my girls took off to see some "new family"... step-relatives that have been added to their number of relatives just this summer..
on their way here they visited another Step family and with all the talk about all those other families, I was assaulted by a huge wave of regret...
I am so sorry I have put my two oldest girls in such a situation... step families galore... at least the youngest only has one... I so wanted to have avoided this... :(
bad choices.. uneducated, selfish choices on my part.. emotional, unwise choices...  there is the reality that God has forgiven me for those and that some of today's circumstances have not been my choice... but still..
reality is that I am back where I did not want to be... truth is that I got married early for all kinds of reasons, one was to distance myself from my birth family, find security through a husband.. another was because I needed to have my replacement child... needed to know if I could have one.. because I had an abortion when I was 20 years old...
walked away from this marriage... stupidly thinking I must have chosen the wrong man... and that there had to be happiness somewhere else... selfish and immature...
3 months later I stepped into something out of fear I would never ever meet anyone again and got swallowed up in something that was unwise.. emotional, passionate choices....
this time I stuck it out, I really loved, deeply convicted by the God who during this relationship had opened my eyes that divorce is WRONG.... not my choice in the end..

looks like I am back where I wanted to escape from 25 years ago... in the folds of my original family.. not giving any security but rather heartache and twisted dysfunction..

tomorrow I am leaving, and I am thankful for many things.. that this trip was not as bad as others have been , that the huge nuclear explosion was averted ( at least for now) .. I am thankful that I am not looking  to them for security anymore but that I know the truth that my security lies in the fact that I am a child of the Father in Heaven...
coming home into my small little abode will be like a haven of peace... spending New Years Eve all by myself... sad, lonely, but at least no attacks that hurt so deeply... I will let myself sink into the embrace of my Father and soak up His Love and Grace and Mercy...
can't wait to get on that plane..

.... reconciliation...

the birth of Christ... God in His sovereignty sent His Son in the fulness of time to come and live a sinless life on earth.... what happened on the cross was the purpose of Christ's life ... redeeming, paying the price for His people, paying for the sins of all those who would believe, predestined by the Father, saved for a purpose.... His purpose was to reconcile us to the Father ... pardoned, forgiven by what He did..

Reconciliation... this is what our faith is all about...

this is what the dictionary says:..the reestablishing of cordial relations

the act of reconciling parties at variance; renewal of friendship after disagreement or enmity.

as Christians we cannot not forgive... no matter what has been done to us.. we cannot thankfully accept Christ's forgiveness and not extend it to others... if we really understood that we needed to be forgiven and this is not just knowledge stored away in our brains but felt in our hearts... how can we keep it from those that sinned against us... not easy to live this way... yesterday it was something I had to do... again... another very deep cut... inflicted by one that just shouldn't do that... but... no matter the circumstances, if I want to be a representative of my Lord, if I want to be sure I am truly saved I have to forgive... and take a step to reconcile.. no matter if the one that hurt me doesn't even think she need forgiveness.....

reconciliation brings peace and restores relationships... wisdom, given by God, also advices to establish boundaries and sometimes it is not wise to reconcile... other times though, like in this relationship the hope that Christ will use this to break through calloused hearts makes reconciliation essential...

peace, even if it is only on a superficial level has been restored by the strength and the grace God has given me... reflecting on this I am once again in awe and filled with an inexpressible joy... He is all and more He ever promised to be.... that makes Him very unique and worthy to be praised... :)

.... Oh Lord have mercy on me....

Domine deus miserere mei

( Oh Lord have mercy on me)

Carry me away

From the dark I fear

When the storm is near

From the endless night

From my blinded sight

To a sky of light

Free me to fly away

Salva me

(Save me)

Carry me away

From the things that harm

On a sea of calm

From the endless night

From my blinded sight

To a sky of light

Free me to fly away

Salva me

..this world, such a dark place... sunshine, beautiful nature, history and culture, good food, nice things... and yet.. so dark... pain and suffering... free me to fly away... 

Jesus in the garden praying... when darkness threatened to overwhelm even Him... this is who He thought of.. and this is what He prayed..

I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world.  My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it.  Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world.  For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified..... He also prayed:

Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”  An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him.

This is what I want...I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death...

darkness, pain, loneliness, suffering.... free me to fly away.. but your will not mine... it is for their sake.. save them.. have mercy on them.. for they do not know you and your love.... 

..His Splendor and Majesty

went to church here in Celerina this morning... a small, beautiful Engadiner church.... maybe 10 rows of benches, pews... they filled up, after all it was Christmas morning...
a perfectly clear sky... it had snowed again all Christmas Eve and it was now quite cold.. winter at it's best..
Christmas Eve was nice..lots of gifts for the 2 little ones... so cute to see how excited they were to give their own gifts... a nice meal afterwards..
so church... a barogue ensemble, a violin, cello , organ and an Alto recorder.. beautiful and fitting for the church building from the 14th century...  a reformed church, after all, Calvin was a Swiss...
the service very different from what I am used to... then again, a Christmas service is maybe always geared for CNE Christians... ( Christmas and Easter Christian) as in a little more superficial? not in my church, but hey... it was a very festive and traditional service and it was soothing...
skiing for the rest of the day was great... not too many people and enough new snow to make this a pleasurable experience..
cool to be skiing at about 3000m and praising God for His creativity and splendour.. He is marvellous..
His mercy and love know no end...
the pastor today read a poem about what life with God is and basically it was the "despite" message... peace despite turmoil, reaching out despite feeling the need to run away from the hurtful gossiper, hope despite circumstances that look rather grim, forgiveness despite an aggressor who wouldn't even think he needs it... kindness despite cruelty and abuse.... joy despite the fact that in this world we DO have trouble... and all of this because of Jesus entering this world all human and all God..living a life without sin and therefore without blemish, willingly giving His life as a sacrifice for all who believe...
scriptures on the walls of the ancient church.. 2 Corinthians 5:7 For we live by faith.... on the other side: Marc 9:23 Everything is possible for one who believes.... faith, believe...in the fact that God became flesh and came to earth to show us the way and redeem us.. pay our debt... so that we could be in a right relationship with God...
pondering and trying to understand the love... the love of the Father for us His children...
it is immeasurable, like the beauty of His creation... with my eyes turned upon Jesus... the troubles have grown strangely dim and His light and His majesty shine even brighter... Praise be to Him, and Him alone!

... and the things on earth will grow strangely dim...

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full, in his wonderful face

And the things of earth will grow strangly dim

In the light of his  glory and grace

up again in the middle of the night... and the song comes to my mind again... have had this tune and these words going on in my mind for the last few days... amazing...

indeed... turning my eyes upon Jesus... and not just because today is Christmas Eve... Holy Night.. the night we as Germans are celebrating the arrival of Jesus with a church service and a  festive meal... ( and get to open our gifts..  :P )

not just today, but today it is as special to me as every day, that HE, the Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace, Mighty God, Lord of all, would so lovingly encourage me..

..look full in His wonderful face... AND THE THINGS OF EARTH WILL GROW STRANGELY DIM....

so thankful that this is true.. I definitely needed the reminder

when stuff like it has been happening here over the last little while is going on I can feel it physically in many ways... one of them is that the muscles in my face just tighten up... every little one there is..

but when He has been bringing up this song in my mind a smile just happens upon me and my hearts overflows.. cool..

yesterday, the sun came out and about half a meter of new sparkly white snow was atop everything... so beautiful... Winter Wonderland...with Christ's love and forgiveness passed on, this turned out to be a day as perfect as the weather... unreal..yet REAL...

maturity in Christ... discernment, wisdom, many things are clearer and the truth more visible, humanly speaking this should make one more sarcastic and disillusioned. and sad, profoundly sad.. but then... combined with  His GRACE and His love.... understanding Him so much more and knowing Him on such a deep level... instead the wonder and amazement is an unending fountain of peace.... ( I think peace might also mean sadness about what life is and thankfulness and joy about knowing Jesus combined...)

this is new for me in this setting, no resolution for problems, yet peaceful relating is possible, through Christ who came to reconcile us to the Father... it is all about forgiveness and love DESPITE the utter brokenness and destruction..

so...   Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full, in his wonderfull face

And the things of earth will grow strangly dim

In the light of his glory and grace

Thankful for His arrival on earth so many years ago

Merry Christmas

May the love of Jesus warm your hearts wherever you are..

... live at peace with everyone...

earlier on this trip I had a great conversation with my mother about God, and Jesus and all this kind of "stuff"... for the first time since I have been talking about this with her she asked me this question:
"why did God make it so that he would have to send Jesus to die for us, why did he do that? Why did he let the serpent convince Eve and why would he even have made the rule about the tree?"
today after another spectacle of how sin and destruction is lived out in this world that is ruled by the enemy, this comes to mind and it reveals, I believe very clearly where the problem lies...
the root of all sin is pride... pride makes people think they alone know the "right" way, demand they get the best all the time, it gives people a sense of entitlement , a right... so how come this God made these rules... even if it was just one... the nerve ... and sure, if there was a rule, sure it would be broken... rebelliousness,  after all, is human nature...
we are the sons and daughters of Adam and Eve...  who were, like us, made with the freedom to choose to obey or disobey... they messed it up for us all... then again...we all would have made the same choice..
so today, prayers lifted up for us by many, fervently right here by my sister and I.... we saw the "Bad", the  "Dark" at work... namely through one family member.... others did remarkably well, God definitely at work even in the ones that are not His.. clarity has been provided for those that were willing to hear... then there are those that do not want to hear, that are in such darkness they refuse to believe anything that does not fit their agenda.. trust no one and badmouth everyone and turn around anything that is said or done..
hurtful things were said, again, instigated by the one that just was there to wreck havoc...
all in all, because the whole family was present, this meeting was a little more fruitful than they usually are.. but in the end, unless God intervenes and opens eyes, nothing will ever change.
even the "nice times" together now seem fake and there is no guarantee that even the good experiences will not somehow be turned into something negative to talk about... once we will have left..
very painful and sad. I am just not so sure what to do with this... feeling tired and OLD... what I want is to turn away and not even come close enough again to be hurt...
healthy boundaries.. something I have tried to establish for so long, but.. if the other side does not respect it you can establish whatever you want.. the boundaries will always be trampled to the ground ....

there is a scripture that comes to mind in this regard...
Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.  If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.  Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.
( Romans 12:17-19)

no revenge is clear, it is more about, after pursuing peace and not accomplishing anything and trying always to do what is right ... will it be okay to withdraw?
anything I can say or do will always be turned around.. and used against me... do I need to stay around?
will need to seek His wisdom... thankfully He says this:
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.... ( James 1:5)
exhausted... really tired....

....a life separate from God...

more thoughts about the reality of a life separate from God... given over like mentioned in Romans 1 to their own sinful desires, on the surface living the fun, un-prohibited life, following pleasure and own self gratification... selfishness lived out, aggression and any other feeling spat out without any consideration as to who could get hurt...a miserable existence..
when Jesus told us to go into the World, and make disciples, not just stay in our nice Christian bubble, where otherness and kindness are more prevalent than in other places ( SO VERY THANKFUL FOR THAT), I am no longer convinced that this means I have to re enter a place where I have been trying to share through words and actions who He is and what He is all about, again and again and again, when there has not been any sign of anything sinking in...
makes me think of the Words Jesus spoke to His disciples about shaking the dust off his sandals and moving on..
now in a family setting there are different rules and layers of how it effects for example my children..
so I think that shaking off the dust means more like choosing to not spend extended time together with those that just continue to inflict hurt...
to stop trying so hard and give it to Him, who is in control anyways...
trying to keep my head over water when the enemy is seemingly in the majority, when dysfunction and abusive patterns I have tried to escape my whole life, threatening to swallow me up like a big tsunami wave..
it seems once again that any illusion of my family being a good place to find peace and rest since I am just reaching the end of recovering from a huge blow to my "perceived security" found in a relationship I thought was supposed to give me that on an "earthly level", has been revealed to be just that... an illusion...
a "fata morgana", deceitful....
stuck in a place between generations.. trying to be a good mother and a good daughter.... I definitely need wisdom on how to do this without getting mauled in the process...
so... once again I will need to focus on what heaven is and that those that do not know any better are living in a place that resembles hell on earth.. holding on to the One who in His love has taken me out of that so long ago... what I am feeling right now is not my reality... hmmmmmm... so thankful for that.... seems difficult not to be sucked into this though.... while still trying to live for His glory.. not sure I am doing such a good job right now..
sleep has been elusive, not helpful... I shall stop complaining now.. God is Good All the Time...I am coveting your prayers my friends... so thankful for all of you!!!!!

... black sheep... that's me

the last few days have been very interesting, a very neutral word to pick for what I am feeling... glad some more friendly faces have arrived.. feeling pretty alone and attacked...

saddening, but true.. thinking this afternoon that I knew it would be like this and that this is why I did not want to go in the first place...

makes me realize how blessed I am with my "normal" life... normal life as in I am usually surrounded by people that love me and understand me. normal life as in I am doing something that is worthwhile and fulfilling.. easier to focus on Christ when in a place where He is acknowledged and respected , worshipped and followed.

easier to feel whole and loved when "Christ beside me" is happening... every day...

so this is a dark place.. I was hoping it could be different this time and I guess it isn't.

so thankful that my Jesus has allowed me to find a home, a family... that he gives me the bigger part of the year to be embraced by that family... that I can leave behind what never fails to pull me down and make me feel worthless and sad and like this huge failure...

I really am not sure what would have happened had He not saved me that Sunday in June 1994.... I am at a loss to understand how those that do not know Him can go on and survive in a world so full of hurt and pain and anger and aggression.

I am the black sheep and I guess that's who I will always be.

I wish I could just break all ties and be done with it.. that's not what He wants though and therefore I will just cherish the "normal" when it happens...

need a huge dose of that love that my dear sisters in Christ lavish on me so generously...   I shall make it through.. by His grace and strength... 

.... December 18, 2011....

so today IS the 2nd Anniversary of the end of my life as I knew it ..  the unthinkable happened... something that had been going on first without, then with my knowledge for a long time led to the end of my marriage..
today, even though it was not necessarily a very nice day, it didn't have much to do with the choices that were communicated on this day, 2 years ago. for that, I am thankful.

today, feeling rather alienated by everyone around me, once again I realized that  living in a society that has chosen to walk away from God just feels like that...
watching one of my mother's favourite tv shows this evening, and after spending only a few days with my parents, the reality of how a life lived in rebellion against God feels, is more than obvious... it freaks me out.
in this case I wish the scriptures weren't as true as they always are... this is what it says:

Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done.  They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips,  slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents;  they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy.  Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them. ( Romans 1:28-32 )

the beloved tv show was about an Anglican Reverend, who ended up in bed with a woman he had just met a week ago, the woman herself had just broken up with her fiancé a day before....
talking about if living together would be okay with the "man upstairs" the Pastor answered: God is happy whenever there is love...... seriously?????

on my walk this afternoon I prayed and asked for strength and grace, for patience and for mercy and understanding for those that do not know what they are doing... they get to me, after all, I really would want them to know .... I asked the Lord to change me because I do not want to be standing in the way of what He might be doing in their lives... this is the place where I get more easily angered than anywhere else... and that's just not okay...

because: Love is patient, Love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud it is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth, it always protects always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres...

so there... again, a time of testing.. no surprises here.. do I walk the talk... even here??? with His help...

..where is the line for Jesus???

 a week before Christmas.. the Holy Night.. the night we celebrate the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
materialism, a jolly guy with a white beard, have taken away from what this night symbolizes.
the day Hope entered the world.. hope for reconciliation with God... a Light appeared, and started piercing through the darkness...

back in the place of my childhood, swallowed up by memories and dynamics from long ago.. darkness in a way... but there He is, the Hope, that even this darkness will be illuminated by His light... whenever the time is right..when it is His will..
in the meantime I am choosing to read and immerse myself in the hope that is found in His Word..
this is what has given me comfort today :

We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives,  so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God,  being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience,  and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light.  For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves,  in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. ( Colossians 1:9-14)

strengthened with the power of the Father Himself, I can be patient and I do not have to lose hope..He has brought me into the kingdom of the Son He loves and He will fill me with knowledge and wisdom, so that I can be His servant, I can deal with painful memories, old dynamics and bitterness, my cracks and wounds allow His light to shine through me and maybe this time it will have a meaningful impact.. bringing change...

thankfully I am not worrying about that either, because in His wisdom and His sovereignty His will be done in Celerina as it is in Heaven... He will make all things beautiful in His time.

when He came into this world, a little baby boy born in a manger, the Son of God, all God and all man,  He had chosen to give up Heaven... He had chosen to give His life so that we would be reconciled through the forgiveness of our sins by the shedding of His blood.. what love is this, that He would be mindful of me.. willingly choosing suffering even to death to give me hope....
this Christmas season in an utterly secular world, I am worshipping this baby born so long ago, always thankful for what He has done for me, and always ready to explain where my Hope comes from..
May He and only He be glorified this Christmas and FOREVER MORE.

... my baby girl, 15 years old today...

it's been snowing all day in beautiful Celerina, Switzerland... today  is my baby's 15th Birthday.. unbelievable to me, next year this time of year she will be able to get her driver's license, from there it usually goes even faster and all of a sudden she will be all grown up, like her sisters...
15 years ago today, early in the morning we made our way to Georgetown hospital to get prepped for C-Section #3.. the first one of those had been traumatic and so I was not looking forward to that one, since they wouldn't put me under for it like the nice German people did for my 2nd one..
I wasn't expecting what my Father in Heaven had arranged for me... when lying on the operating table an incredible peace came over me.. this was not of me.. at that time I was not even able to relax in situations like this, I was too tense and full of fear... this was a scheduled C-section and my friends at church had a meeting at that time and were praying for me.. for me to lie there and feel relaxed and peaceful was such a surprise and blessing to me... but it didn't end there... the anesthesiologist sitting behind me all of a sudden  said  "sounds like this baby will be born any second now.." and with that he pushed my upper body up, pulled down the sheet that was there to keep me from seeing them cutting me open, just in time for me to see my baby girl enter the world.... this was a most incredible experience, I will never forget.
had anyone asked me before if I wanted to see it I for sure would have declined... thinking it would be too strange... this way I just saw it and it was a miracle..
the nurse did what she had to do and handed her to her Dad, who held her, sitting right next to my head so I could have a look as well..
I am so thankful for this daughter of mine, who no longer is a little girl, but a pretty grown up young, lovely woman... all the little children she has had in the dance classes she has been assisting over the last 5 years love her like crazy...she is on her own journey with God and He has been faithful to her as well. I am thankful to have her home with me, so glad there is such a big age difference between my girls, works out well now that I am single... can't wait to see how God is going to use her... she has a very big heart...
going out for dinner now to celebrate her birthday with her Oma and Opa... a special occasion since her birthday is so close to Christmas.. we will just enjoy it... all thanks to Him from whom all blessings flow..

.... Forgiveness.. the key

my youngest daughter, whose birthday is in 2 days, pleaded with me to write about her on her birthday
 ( like I have for her sisters) and not of the 2nd anniversary of her father leaving late at night to never come back again.... I definitely will grant her wish..
so today, 2 days before that "Anniversary" ( I thought we used that word mainly for Wedding Anniversaries.. :S

let me share a few thoughts on that whole ordeal...

I have been encouraged many times throughout the last two years by friends telling me, that the way I have worked through this Tsunami / Disaster in my life has been an inspiration to them...
truth is that my God, the Creator of the Universe, Jesus, the Son of God and my personal Saviour, has turned what was meant for evil into something good... He came through for me by keeping His promise that for those that love Him, that have been called according to His purpose, He will work ALL things out for good...

I think He has walked with me through the grieving and has restored me.. He has kept another promise.. a fav scripture memorized many years ago : In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that your faith —of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proven genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy,  for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

truth remains that God hates divorce, and that the man who promised to stick with me through thick and thin should not have walked away.. I just want to make sure that no one would interpret my last posts in the way that I am saying this was good after all... it was good DESPITE what happened... just because God is bigger than any sin committed by anyone.
Divorce is not the solution for a difficult marriage. Jesus is. Disobedience is never the right choice, no matter what one feels two years later.

the fact that God has refined me, that I know Him so much more which is the greatest blessing,  does not take away from the scars this sin has left behind. the sadness will always be there about something that just broke the hearts of all involved.. God's included..
it grieved the Holy Spirit and there are no ifs and buts that can ever justify disobeying God.

in His love and mercy He has been our Comforter, the source of our joy...and peace.. a sin is a sin though, and for every sin there always will be consequences..

I think I must have one of the best Ex-husbands there is and that in itself is a blessing from God. we are good friends in all of this and for that I am thankful. I am still praying for his salvation because in the end, that is what it is all about. The God of Mercy and Compassion will forgive him for leaving us as much as I have forgiven him... if he comes to Him with a broken and contrite heart..
no sin is bigger than another, we all need God's forgiveness and like my beloved Pastor so wonderfully puts it.. the ground is level at the foot of the cross...
so I am not pointing any fingers... each one of us will be held accountable by a just and holy God.. will He see  the check mark "paid in full" behind our names or not... will we have trusted Jesus to have died for our sins and then committed to following Him with all that we are and have and do... that's what it comes down to...

so there, that's it.. no more reminiscing about this incomprehensible pain I felt two years ago.. choosing to delight in the here and now.. the fact that my baby is turning 15, my mother is still alive and we will celebrate Christmas together... Christmas as in Christ, the Saviour was born that day... the Prince of Peace, Mighty God, Holy One..  ( NOT Santa Claus...) :P

... tested by the Father???

met with a cherished friend on Friday... and she shared with me something God had been showing her, that applied so very well to an experience I had ...

something very weird happened to me a little over 3 weeks ago, got a glimpse of something amazing.. I remember having my ongoing convo with Jesus that night happening at the same time.. asking Him, could that be what it looks and feels like when You are orchestrating something and give me what I really, really long for, could it really be true...

well, it turned out not to be that... thankfully wise friends had pointed me to Jesus before I could get all bend out of shape because of it.. taking captive lies and even where my deceitful and wicked heart wanted to take me... 

so this friend who was reading through Job, had realized something very profound.. Job never knew that God and Satan had this little thing going... that Satan had said to God that Job was really only living so faithfully because He had everything one could wish for, and if he lost it, he for sure would curse God... God allowed Satan to take away everything but Job's life and tada... Job still didn't curse God...

we have the privilege of knowing the facts, what happened in the background, but Job never did... and, he DID lose everything... he WAS sick... not just a little, but horrendously so..  and.. he never cursed God..

made her think of what might be going on "behind the scenes" today... maybe sometimes we are tested... for sure sometimes we are tested... maybe this little confusing story of my life was just that... was I going to get mad at God... accuse Him of playing with me and being mean... or would I trust Him more and run to Him... would I be willing to learn the lesson and surrender..

so glad it is not all dependent just on me.. because I am not sure if I would have passed the test... but with the help of "Christ beside me" I did...

with the help of those He has put near me I did make one more important step forward, the giving up of looking for my prince.. I think He whispered something very profound into my ears while praying with a friend last week...maybe I have to live this lesson out even more.. I think I need to do something "tangible"... I have an idea, what that could be..

stay tuned...  ;)

... what if your healing comes through tears...

it was announced a few days ago that Laura Story, the beautiful Christian singer is joining us on the Michael W Smith and friends ( that's me!!!!!) Cruise in July 2012...
made me go back and listen to her song "Blessings"...

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

                       'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

                   What if Your healing comes through tears

                 What if a thousand sleepless nights 

                 Are what it takes to know You’re near

                    What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

I cannot believe how far He has brought me in a year.. last year this time the sorrow of it all overwhelmed me even though I had thought I was doing so well... this year, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the healing HAS come through tears, and there were many... my thousand sleepless nights have made me very much aware just how near He really is to me..

fact is, the trial was a blessing in disguise... never in my life have I felt so whole and so fulfilled, have known my purpose, my value and my worth like I know it now..

I think my kids are doing a little better with the whole situation as well.. I knew that my Jesus would not let us down, but do as He promised, walk through the bad with us... 

other things are going on, and there will never be a time without trials for His children...and that's okay.

as He has been guiding me through the trials of my life He has been increasing the peace that is mine at all times.. quite amazing.. so even though  the things that are going on are rather huge, I am at perfect peace and once again just stand there in the presence of my God.. arms open wide... no self defence necessary... inviting Him to do what it takes for His will to be done.. because, let's face it, what could be better?

traveling soon, into the abyss of the dysfunction... I will have to rely on Him to keep us safe and protected from the evil one who will want to bring us down.. we will stand firm... 

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,  and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.... ( Ephesians 6:13-15)

so happy that today's technology let's me take my bible in many different versions, with all kinds of commentaries in one slim little device.. His Word is the Truth, and all I need, He has given me His righteousness and His Spirit is in me. I can pray and ask Him to help me keep my eyes fixed on Him, forgive right away and love with His love... not expecting anything, but giving everything...  not possible without Him, with Him.. doable..

thankfully I know He is going with me and that is all I need..

.... no more prince for me?????

isn't it just so amazing that there is just never a dull moment with God???
it is so great how He keeps His Word, like when He says that He will perfect us... never stop refining us, making us more like Himself...
I am also so amazed how He works everything out and puts people in our lives to speak His wisdom and love into our circumstances..
was challenged today, to surrender my desire for a man in my life.. I know, have talked about that again and again... now this though is taking the surrendering to even a different level all together...

remember Abraham? and his son Isaac? when the Lord told Him to take Isaac, the son he had waited for like it seemed forever, and sacrifice him...
just read Genesis 22 again and it boggles my mind how Abraham just takes his son and goes on ahead where God told him to go...
pretty black and white, pretty straightforward...
do you think this was an easy thing for him... I cannot imagine what was going through Abraham's mind... I wonder how much he struggled... I wonder if he questioned God, what was this all about... first promise the son, then, even make good on the promise.. just to take him away again... and even make him do it himself????? that's cruel....

whatever might have gone through Abraham's mind, we might never know.. ( I am planning on asking him when I see him :)  but, he did obey, he took his son and prepared to offer him to God as a sacrifice......
wow... such obedience, such trust...

so, surrendering... as in giving up your biggest desire.... a legitimate desire... and by that communicating that He, the Lord indeed is the most important...

 for me, does that mean, I am to give this up? offer it to Him... accepting whatever He will do... even if that means never again to be in a love relationship with a man?

wisdom spoken to me today... maybe God knows that I would lose focus, that I would put that man higher even than my relationship with Him... would I make Him an idol in my heart? that's possible...hmmm...
so me sacrificing, totally surrendering my desire and wish for a man in my life...it's saying to Him that He is indeed all that I need...

that's tough... talking to Him in the car this evening I kind of told Him that I would like to do that, have no idea what it would take to really mean this and what I would need to do?? other than stop looking that is....
I also told Him that this whole surrendering thing is kind of funny to me, because I so believe that He is in control anyways,... so what do I really have to surrender????

basically I can only benefit from doing this... so when longings come up I will need to take them captive and run into the arms of my Jesus... I told Him as well that He better come through for me then, when I feel lonely ... that He needs to meet me in those places... I know He will... because really, any man I have known has let me down and not fulfilled my needs and desires perfectly, as much as I never was able to fulfill theirs... but Jesus... He knows me more than anyone ever could, and He is capable of everything... He loves me perfectly... so, now that I told Him that, I am waiting in expectation.. how He is going to do that... how will it feel?

the wise friend also pointed out that this is not just a decision, but a process... that explains the fact that I have talked about this on and of.... so... another step towards the goal.. peeling away layer after layer...
letting go of any perceived control... committing to giving Him my dreams and deepest longings.. don't let me down Jesus...( I know you won't.... :)
oh... and by the way.. in case you didn't know... God did not let Abraham sacrifice his son... that's not who He is... :)

.. do not even sit down to eat with him...

church this morning... such a great service, as always. this week dwelling on 1 Corinthians 5: 1-13, quite challenging, harsh words leaving me with some questions.. answered and interpreted clearly by my "shepherd"..  truth is that as a Christian that professes that the Bible is God's Word to us, inspired literally by God Himself, I have to be willing to accept even the more difficult passages as His Word to me... to us as a congregation... to His followers.

a challenge to call our fellow brothers and sisters  on their sin , because we love them and because like it says in this passage a little bit of leaven will work it's way through the whole lump of dough...   after following the process of dealing with sin in a  fellow believer's life, as laid out by Jesus Himself in Matthew 18, and if the brother or sister does not repent, we are to have nothing to do with this person... he or she needs to be kicked out... wow, this is harsh, this, as my pastor pointed out this morning goes so against what we think Christianity stands for that hardly anyone even dares to do this anymore....

what happens as a consequence is that "sin" slowly becomes accepted and works it's way through the "dough", contaminating the whole and making the church ineffective... ineffective because we are becoming hypocrites, preaching one thing yet doing and tolerating another..

no one ever said that following Christ would be easy... picking up your cross daily and deciding to live a holy life, because He is holy and He tells us to, is a struggle, daily.. 

I love how black and white the Word is in the important places.. I think we all need the reminder once in a while.... there is Grace and there is Mercy... and over all this is the love that made the Father sacrifice His own Son, but once we receive His forgiveness and the Holy Spirit as a counsellor, we are held accountable to a higher standard... we still mess up, and Jesus died for these sins as well... we definitely though need to be willing to humble ourselves, admit our struggles to each other and accept the help we can get from our fellow believers..  to justify away our sin and lower these standards instead is dangerous and needs to be dealt with... that's what this passage was all about today. difficult truth but truth nevertheless...

love how serious a Christian my pastor is... so blessed to have had him as a preacher for the last 13 years..

.... a princess indeed...

..today I chose to look up a poem that would express what I have been trying to hold on to since a very wise friend told me the following a little over a week ago... " the man God has planned for you will woo you (to seek the affection, favour, or love of (a woman) with a view to marriage), he will cherish you and respect you... you do not need to try to impress him or try to use some lure to "catch" him, you just have to trust your Father in Heaven... and be who He has made you...."

I knew that this was right.. but, with an earthly father who didn't know how to love and a husband who just walked away, I have been struggling with this concept for far too long...this was the last truth on my road to recovery I had to embrace... I knew it was true.....I believed it... now I just had to live it... 

I am happy to say that I am living it, by His grace.. I have gone off any dating websites I was on... I am going to wait for my man... in the mean time.. my Father, the King is all I need, He has filled my heart with so much love, I am good on my own... here is the poem I just had to change it a little to make it work for me ;) 

I'm a daughter of the Lord

a Princess in His eyes

I'm someone that He so adores

He hears me when I cry

forever and a day I'll worship

my Father, the graceful King

the Creator of all life

the Creator of everything

to Him I give my loving heart

to Him I give my mind

He loves me when I fall apart

He loves me ALL the time

He's worthy of my everything

He's worthy of my love

He's worthy of the songs I sing

Oh Father in Heaven above!

He saved me from the hands of death

He holds me all together

to me, He gave His very breath

so that I could live forever!

If to Him, I'm worth so much

that he would die for me,

why should I give myself to one,

who doesn't seem to see..

so today,  instead of feeling sorry for myself for being alone this weekend, I went to watch my little Godson's hockey game... I had him over a little after school yesterday and I am going to be more present in his life again, just one of the people I can invest my "free" time in... what a blessing...

there is a time for everything,  there was a time to mourn, and He carried me through it... He taught me how much He loved me... and that I am indeed a Princess... there is a time to bless and a time to be blessed... it feels that I am always being blessed... I guess it is because I am a Princess...  Praise Him from whom all blessings flow....  Soli Deo Gloria!!!!!! To Him alone be the Glory forever and ever!!!

... do you want your ears tickled?????

heading back shortly... the sun shining again in beautiful Franklin..
my time with Him this morning very sobering, but needed...
spending time daily in the Word never gets old..  living in this society where everything is okay, as long as you feel it is, to read the truth, black and white is very refreshing..
as a professed follower of Christ I CANNOT buy into the culture of this day.
I have to stick closely to what the Bible tells me, and, like it is for children, it is better to have clear boundaries,
it definitely helps with feeling safe.. knowing what is right and what is not.
we cannot be falling into the category that Paul writes about to Timothy..
For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.  They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. ( 2 Timothy 4: 3+4)
when asked today, many people will say they believe in God... many say they are spiritual...
I personally know many that will claim that "their" God is not like mine.. their God is okay with revenge, wouldn't want them to stay and suffer in a marriage that just didn't work.. their God wouldn't be that narrow-minded and be against so many things that just felt so right...
truth is, they have made a God up in their own minds, from things they have heard or read, things that have been passed down and things that make sense to them... things that will "tickle their ears" because it allows them to do whatever they want...
I am very thankful to "my" God, that He did not let me settle for any of "these" gods... because, let's face it, if everyone can make up their own, there are gazillion "gods" out there..
which one is right, or which set of rules is, or what is their assurance of spending eternity with that god?
My God has revealed Himself throughout "His Story" , He revealed Himself by living on this earth in human form, becoming the ultimate sacrifice for us... I do not have to be a "good" person... because, what is good enough to be a good person? how many "bad" things can I do before I am not good anymore?
All my God wants from me is to believe that He is the One and Only God and that by His Son dying on the cross for my sins ( and there are many... and sadly I will be adding more and more during the rest of my time here on earth.. hopefully less and less as He grows me up and I surrender myself to His will daily) I am now forgiven, not good, but forgiven... through that my relationship with Him is restored and I am enjoying closeness with Him that can never be taken away... it is an eternal relationship that has already begun... it actually began 17 and half years ago....
I am glad that He has also revealed Himself through His Word, I am glad that it is the eldest,  published in most languages, widely read book today... but it is not just a book, it is alive and sharper than a double edged sword.... I encountered that truth again this morning... and it was my loving Father, Jesus, the Lover of my soul who spoke His truth into my life... He, the all knowing God knows exactly what I need, He knows my heart and He cares enough about me to let me know where I need to be careful...
like a mother who makes sure her kids don't eat too many candies... not because she wants to be mean and spoil the fun of her children but because she loves them and wants the best for them..
I am so glad He loves me like this and is not a distant, absent father, but is intimately involved in every aspect of my life...
still at the airport in Nashville, the sun is still shining.... getting home a bit later than planned... still blessed beyond all measure ....