when Jesus told us to go into the World, and make disciples, not just stay in our nice Christian bubble, where otherness and kindness are more prevalent than in other places ( SO VERY THANKFUL FOR THAT), I am no longer convinced that this means I have to re enter a place where I have been trying to share through words and actions who He is and what He is all about, again and again and again, when there has not been any sign of anything sinking in...makes me think of the Words Jesus spoke to His disciples about shaking the dust off his sandals and moving on..
now in a family setting there are different rules and layers of how it effects for example my children..
so I think that shaking off the dust means more like choosing to not spend extended time together with those that just continue to inflict hurt...
to stop trying so hard and give it to Him, who is in control anyways...
trying to keep my head over water when the enemy is seemingly in the majority, when dysfunction and abusive patterns I have tried to escape my whole life, threatening to swallow me up like a big tsunami wave..
it seems once again that any illusion of my family being a good place to find peace and rest since I am just reaching the end of recovering from a huge blow to my "perceived security" found in a relationship I thought was supposed to give me that on an "earthly level", has been revealed to be just that... an illusion...
a "fata morgana", deceitful....
stuck in a place between generations.. trying to be a good mother and a good daughter.... I definitely need wisdom on how to do this without getting mauled in the process...
so... once again I will need to focus on what heaven is and that those that do not know any better are living in a place that resembles hell on earth.. holding on to the One who in His love has taken me out of that so long ago... what I am feeling right now is not my reality... hmmmmmm... so thankful for that.... seems difficult not to be sucked into this though.... while still trying to live for His glory.. not sure I am doing such a good job right now..
sleep has been elusive, not helpful... I shall stop complaining now.. God is Good All the Time...I am coveting your prayers my friends... so thankful for all of you!!!!!
