.... righteous anger....

when in the temple courts in Jerusalem, not long before Jesus was going to be betrayed... we see a side of Jesus that most people today kind of like to overlook.... an angry Jesus... whipping cattle and sheep, overturning tables and scattering the money of the money lenders and merchants that had put up their businesses in the temple court...
He was angry... angry about what these people were doing to the house of His Father... ( you can read about it in John 2:14-16) ... does that fit in with the loving, giving His life for sinners, full of mercy and grace Jesus???

yes it does... He was not just angry because something wasn't going along with His selfish plans... He wasn't easily annoyed just because something was getting on His nerves.... remember, He was without sin... but He was angry... and He took action... He rectified what was so blatantly wrong yet no one realized it or did anything about it....
the disrespect and total disregard of who His Father is, defiling His Holy name by making the temple, the House of the Lord into a market... busy, dirty and just so carnal... it didn't sit right with the Son of God...
He knew that this was against what His Father deserved and wanted... so He stepped in... He took care of it... He was angered... righteous anger.... displayed by God Himself...

I am angry right now... and it is not just being annoyed... it is righteous anger... I am angry about the total disregard of God's laws... do not lie.... do not commit adultery.... love your neighbour as yourself...
be holy as I am holy... this is what God tells us.... and yet.... total disregard... total disobedience... no matter how it affects those that are innocent and hurt on such a deep level... how can someone do that???
it happens all the time... it is happening again... not to me... but it brings it all up again... and it makes me angry... I know that had any of the money lenders come to Jesus and asked Him to forgive, He would have forgiven them.... but He did step in and rectified the situation first...

all I can say is... STEP in Jesus.... do not let those that so totally disregard your commands and the feelings of their family get away with it... overturn their tables and show them your righteous anger...
and then... forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing... as will we... as I have... but Lord... it needs to end...

the world has minimized it and accepted it... you are not.... you know what it does to the abandoned... you see our tears, you hear our screams...... you know what it does to the much needed sense of security those children have a right to have.... your heart is broken and you are angry.... in your mercy Lord please make this right.......

.... only one way to HOPE everlasting..

... being a bit discouraged by what is happening around me... one good thing was to meet with my "spiritual" mom today... she is not old enough to be my mother but she is my first Christian friend and mentor... I love her a lot and I hardly see her enough...
sharing what happened in the last 7 or 8 months of our lives we always end up talking about our friend... the One who has brought us together, the source of all our joy.. Jesus Christ, son of God.. Healer, Comforter and Saviour...
a grey day... a black and grey world... so much heartache and brokenness.... so much to do, so many to minister to... was leaving with a renewed sense of hope though... this is why we are here... this is what He is doing...
I am convinced and know with such certainty in my heart that He loves me and is good, holy and just... so if He allows all this heartache in my life and around me... there has to be a reason...
I know He is all about refining and making us more like Him... but then again... not for my sake but for His glory... so... as much as I needed some time to rest and process what's been going on... I can't stay there..
He has things for me to do, He has put people in my path I can minister to... I need to extend love to... I need to look beyond myself, leave my burdens in His capable hands and love those around me going through some crisis and difficult time...
a beloved mother, a dearest friend... young girls getting in trouble.... all loved by my God and made in His image.. all, like me corrupted and broken..sinful and lost.. without hope until they can see Him, can hear Him, can feel Him.... some just need me to be Jesus to them while going through an especially heart breaking time... others need to be led into His presence... some need to hear about my hope..and that it is a person, Jesus....
never a dull moment...  but never without hope... or peace..or joy... to be loved like that... I will never get used to that...

This is what it means to be held

How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life

And you survive

This is what it is to be loved and to know

That the promise was that when everything fell

We'd be held

( thanks to Natalie Grant.."Held")

... a world of despair... come rescue us oh Lord...

.. coming to my Lord with a heart full of sorrow... sorrow over a world so full of sin and despair... so black and sad and hopeless... a world that has turned away from God... not acknowledging and honoring Him the way He deserves...
pursuing selfish desires and throwing away all that is good and praiseworthy... forsaking self discipline and morals, trampling on others without any concern... oblivious to the pain inflicted... oh woe is me...
I am feeling compelled to come before my God pleading for this society... for His righteousness to be restored to His people... proud, rebellious and sinful people we are.. sinning, giving in to temptation... call us back oh Lord... let godly sorrow lead to repentance and restore the years the locusts have eaten...

Relent, O LORD! How long will it be?
   Have compassion on your servants.
 Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
   that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.
I am pleading, oh Lord with you.... come into this world and with your righteous anger set things right...
do not give us over to our sinfulness but redeem us from the pit of self indulgence and utter SELFISHNESS....
forgive us for misrepresenting you to the world around us.... humble us and make us holy...
in a world like ours where everything goes, where immorality is rampant... Lord come and rescue us..
let us find refuge under the shadow of your wings... for you alone are our help in trouble...
Mighty God , you are more than able to accomplish anything that concerns us today....
putting our hope in you is what we need to do... you are our present help in danger... lift the clouds of sin and let us see the light... let us draw near to you and be healed...
you alone are worthy of our time, our concern and our praise.... have mercy on us oh Lord....

... love communicated.....

... so yesterday we were celebrating Jesus... the fact that He is risen, that after willingly giving His life, as payment for our sins, He indeed rose again from the dead, finally defeating death... making reconciliation possible between the one who believes in Christ's sacrifice and God the Father...
remembering what He has done for us and thanking Him for it by praising and worshipping Him...
"ascribing" worth by coming together as a congregation and lifting our voices in praise to Him..

a great message from our pastor explaining what it means to have that relationship with Christ... inviting Him into our hearts, surrendering to Him, admitting that without Him we are nothing but broken sinners, never out of our own strength able to be good enough to fulfill the laws God put in place....
asking Him for forgiveness and pledging to follow Him from now into eternity...

today I was on the phone again with my mother... the last few days she has been rather troubled and sad and alone.. I have never seen her cry and now I have heard her cry every day... she is processing everything now that she has fully understood what has happened and what this all means... my brother hasn't been there for the last few days and this has left her feeling alone... I think she has never been forced to look at life the way she has to now....

I am thanking God for allowing this in her life right now... my heart is breaking for her but I can see what God is doing... on the phone today I was sharing yesterday's sermon... not that I have not shared my faith with her before... but she has never been in such a desperate place...  almost dying and facing something as scary as cancer will do that for you...

I am thankful we have this kind of a relationship... we have always discussed deep issues... shared what is going on inside... never has my mother been as receptive .... reading Psalm 23 to her over the phone... from the "Luther Bible Translation" how precious... I booked another flight .. going to spend her birthday with her... she is so looking forward to this and I am so blessed...

I love her and I am thanking God for giving us this closeness.... I was telling her today about the feelings I had for her when she was lying there so helpless .... how I called her what I would usually just call my kids.... and she cried... this time because of the intensity of the love communicated through sharing this ...

in all this, God is turning what was difficult and hard into something good.... He died for me... will my mother believe for the first time that He thought of her when He hang on that cross????
That is my prayer today....

..do You still feel the nails?

..today... reflecting on what Jesus has done for us, I am listening to one of my favorite songs:

..They tell me Jesus died

For my transgressions

And that He paid that price

A long long time ago

When He gave His life for me

On a hill called Calvary

But there's something else

I want to know

Does He still feel the nails

Every time I fail?

Does He hear the crowd cry,

Crucify, again?

Am I causing Him pain?

Then I know I've got to change

I just can't bear the thought

Of hurting Him

It seems that I'm so good

At breaking promises

And I treat His precious grace

So carelessly

But each time He forgives

What if He relives

The agony He felt on that tree?

He died for me... He paid for my sins... and not only did He die... He was beaten up and ridiculed, spit at and humiliated... He was betrayed by a friend... sold for some material gain, denied by another of His disciples... and yet... because of the joy laid before Him He endured all this...

Jesus, being in very nature God, 

   did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, 

 but made himself nothing, 

   taking the very nature of a servant, 

   being made in human likeness. 

 And being found in appearance as a man, 

   he humbled himself 

   and became obedient to death— 

      even death on a cross!

I had to repent today of disappointment and hopelessness ... how could I walk around defeated... when my Lord gave His life so that I could live victoriously.... He went through all this pain without defending Himself, so that I could have life abundantly... fellowship with Him, never denied or restricted... intimacy of heart, soul and spirit... 

every time I feel alone I am believing a lie... a lie to keep me in that place of defeat... every time I am feeling devalued by the fact that I was replaced so quickly, I am believing a lie that diminishes what my Jesus has done for me.... 

laying down His life for me He stayed on that cross because He loved me.... 

forgive me, Jesus, lover of my soul... I am failing you by not standing firm and resisting that lie from the one who has come to deceive and to destroy... you have won the victory and you have made me yours... my allegiance and love is yours for all eternity....

Does He still feel the nails

Every time I fail?

Does He hear the crowd cry,

Crucify, again?

Am I causing Him pain?

Then I know I've got to change

I just can't bear the thought

Of hurting Him

Holy, Holy, Holy

Holy is the Lord

Holy, Holy 

Holy is the Lord

Do you still feel the nails,

every time I fail

Have I crucified you Jesus with my sin?

Oh, I am tired of playing games,

I really want to change

I never want to hurt you again...

Holy, Holy, Holy

Holy is the Lord

Holy , Holy

Holy is the Lord

Amen

... marriage... worth fighting for...

... have a black eye... :(  it hurts... have a cold... sucks...
looking at BBQ's online... and Gazebo-Screen thingis for the backyard... and a wave of that sense of loss comes over me... unexpectedly....
I don't want to buy a BBQ... I have not the slightest idea what is good enough... can't spend the money to get something we used to have... how much money do you have to spend to have something that lasts? I don't know... I don't really want to know either... but, we already had one summer without a single BBQ meal... so I have to get over myself...

the screen thingi... I hate mosquitos... but I want to be able to spend evenings outside... because it is nice to sit outside at night...
some part of me wants to plant flowers and make this little backyard nice and the other part wants to just stay in bed...

have not put up my stencils for the walls, wonderful scripture verses, so meaningful..... tried it.. couldn't do it.. put it away...need a new thermostat to control the temperature in the house... haven't gotten that done..

someone asked me about the Center... haven't been able to get my excitement or motivation up... don't know why...
no reason to be so down..

here is some advice for my married friends... MAKE it work.... put all the energy into that relationship you have..... I know that we can be so sad, so disappointed, so hurt and hopeless... never give up... keep on fighting for it... what you are left with when it breaks apart is nothing but ruins and rubble, losses and memories... and loneliness ... and on top of all that I now have to buy a BBQ........... ;)

you are where you are supposed to be... love your spouse, respect your man, be obedient to God and trust Him for what you need... ask yourself if this is how you love:
are you patient? are you kind? do you envy? boast? are you rude? self-seeking? are you easily angered? do you keep records of wrongs????? do you delight in evil? or rejoice in the truth? do you always protect, hope, trust and persevere????

let me tell you it is worth it... it might not feel like this right now, but it is.... it really is....

If one falls down, 

   his friend can help him up. 

But pity the man who falls 

   and has no one to help him up! 

Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. 

   But how can one keep warm alone? 

Though one may be overpowered, 

   two can defend themselves. 

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

with God as the third strand... you can do it, put Him first... trust Him to provide wisdom and strength, grace and love for one another... and you will be blessed... so will be your children...

..Going Home....Hospital Day 29.... AMAZING

...4 weeks ago a text message informed me that my mother was in the hospital with severe stomach pain.... right now I am waiting for a text message to tell me that she has arrived home and is settled... so that I can call her and welcome her home... ..4 weeks ago the news continued to get worse... leading to me booking a flight online for my sister and I.... when we got on the plane we at least knew that the emergency surgery had gone okay... now her body just had to fight the sepsis..boarded the flight praying and trusting God for her life..

..today I am continuing to praise God for how He has been at work through this situation... not only for all the best case scenarios we were allowed to see happening... but also for the set backs and what they revealed... for the good that He has brought out of something so difficult... for knowing Him better... trusting Him more in the turmoil....

I am thanking Him for the peace He has given me through it all.. an acceptance and trust no matter what the outcome... on a human level it is really not something that can be explained.. I almost don't even want to write it down... to say that I would have been okay had my mother not made it, would be wrong... I would have been devastated ... but I knew that even if the worst was going to happen, that God was still good, that He would have been right there with us through it all... 

I guess one of the reasons He allows the "devastating" is to show us that all the Bible, His Word, tells us is indeed true... when my husband walked out, broke up via e-mail 6 days before Christmas.. he did, that was it, there were no best case scenarios coming true... this was the worst case and it didn't end there.... but God has been there all the way... wiping away tears and holding me up when standing upright was unbearable..

so I know ...that I know... that I know for sure sure sure..... He is never ever forsaking us.. as my mother faces Chemo and another surgery, a difficult 7 months ahead of her.. He will be there for her and all of us... if in the process she will become aware of it I will not be able to stop rejoicing... but I will Praise Him no matter what... Because He is my God and I will trust Him...

.....CHANGES.........

it is amazing to see the changes that happen... today as the "Supergroup".... (almost our whole competitive team, 97 kids between the ages of 5 and 15)..was warming up I couldn't help but notice how much has changed....as I was hanging around the Dance Competition, the fourth year at this particular one because we like it that much...my daughter being one of the oldest there.... I feel slightly removed from the action... this is her 7th season, the studio itself has only had one more competitive season... at some point in time we knew pretty much everyone, kids and parents... today when the "Supergroup" was warming up I couldn't believe how many of those kids I have not even seen before....
it is wonderful for the studio to continue to grow, it is amazing to see the kids grow up and mature...it is great but for me it is also already turning into something bittersweet... after this season there are only 3 left until my daughter will no longer compete... crazy....

so many things have changed and are changing.... I really don't like it.....
as someone not that young any more I know that changing and maturing is very often accompanied by difficulties and trials... over the last almost 2 years we definitely have had our share of those... thinking  about those changes and the maturing process... I was tweeting some scripture on twitter today ... (I have to work on the "trend" I like #SoliDeoGloria ).... I looked up a verse that has given me so much hope....
Job 42:2  I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted......

changes in our lives, like mothers all of a sudden on the brink of death... children growing up and moving on, commitments meant to last a lifetime tossed aside like useless garbage.... pretty scary and unsettling......

but then, there is He... the One whose plans cannot only not be thwarted but as it says in Jeremiah 29:11... they are plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us a hope and a future....
the break up of a family... a plan to prosper and not to harm????? a life threatening medical emergency... a hope and a future?????

.....we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose..... Romans 8:28.... ha.... okay.... and what's the purpose???

2 Corinthians 3:18  we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.

and here it comes... this is, what it is all about:
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

.. a God of detail.....

... okay.... this is one of those moments... I was driving home from picking up my daughter from school, and I couldn't wait to be able to write another blog..... :)
because... so, today my mother, father and brother had a meeting with the "cancer team"... oncologist, her surgeon, the enterologist and no idea who else....
I had asked for prayer for my mother and for wisdom and restraint on her part .... apparently this meeting went really well... the suggested chemo would take six months, 2 weeks on, one week off... it is one of the mildest drugs, in pill form, taken at home... side effects hopefully not too bad...
start date not until May 5, she is not strong enough yet...
not sure if my mother will go ahead and decide to do it... it is her decision.....

this was good news... but then, when talking to my mom today she told me something else....
there has been a pastor, apparently she had seen him sitting by her bed before... she said when she was still not quite there....
so this man... talked to her today... he is a pastor of an Evangelical Fellowship Free Church.... good... he told her they renovated an ancient, beautiful little Barock church a few little villages over... ( my mother thinks that we must really love God to go to church in such a "plain" church ;) ..... he also told her that his wife is a doctor who is now studying classical homeopathy.... is God a God of detail or what???????
if I had chosen the combination necessary for my mother to be interested in a man of God and a church I could not have chosen any better....

I think after the discouragement of the last few days God has given me once again a little message today,
something like: "Miriam, do not worry... see what I have been arranging for your mother???? It is not for you to save her... I am going to do that... you planted the seed faithfully, this pastor can water it now, and I am going to save her....."

Hallelujah.... Praise be to God.... He didn't have to show me this...  but He did.... that's who He is... isn't He just so amazing?

... just love for them all.....

.. just looked at a picture I took of my mother when she was still totally out of it, with all the machines and tubes... a picture I took so that we could show her how bad it was, because she wouldn't remember... for the first time giving in to my tears... she was so very fragile and helpless... my love for her overflowing..... feeling bad about that last post... I am just so sad that this is what has been going on.... sad mainly for her... missing out on the wonderful joy that fellowship with Jesus brings..
...life has never been the same for me since that day in June 1994....when I received the Holy Spirit.... when all my guilt and shame was taken away and all my questions where finally answered.... when the void within me was filled.... when I ceased to search .... the joy and excitement has never left me.... the security and peace is something I am sure I will never ever lose again.....

I really just want for all my loved ones to know this deep feeling of belonging.... I want them to feel as loved as I am feeling...I want them to know that there is a purpose to their life...

talking to a friend today, explaining to her that I am okay with the fact that MY (EX) husband is getting married and that my kids are going to be involved in this wedding... causing them all kinds of emotional turmoil... explaining that because I have forgiven him for leaving us I have accepted to be sad, rather than being angry and vengeful, I am motivated to do all in my power to make dealing with a broken family as easy as possible on my kids... being there for them as much as I can...

living with an acceptance of hurt and pain, trusting that He would only allow things like this to happen if there was a real purpose accomplished with it... refining me and making me more like Him... I have been carried by Him, whenever I needed it,... He has blessed me for my obedience and I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will never leave me or forsake me... He is all I need... ( and that does not mean that I am not longing for this godly man in my life..sometimes more and sometimes less)
pain is part of my life like it is for everyone... it is what I by His grace do with it that makes that huge difference....

that's what I want for my loved ones... even  for my "Ex".... praying that he can see His love at work in me.... and that one day even he will come and bend his knee before the Lord of Lords and admit his need for a Saviour.... stubborn Germans... all of them ;)

... a bitter root defiling many...

trying to figure something out.... dealing with my mother since she has been awake and on the mend... very difficult... back to the "form" she has been in for many years already... bitter, negative, stubborn, suspecting bad intentions behind anything anyone does, opinionated and controlling.....no more filters resulting in rude behaviour towards others... embarrassing for us, her children... exhausting...... so sad... so I am wondering, how did that happen???? She wasn't always like that......


in her life my mother has had to endure a lot of hurt, disappointment and emotional abuse... the feisty, strong woman she has been, she never dealt with any of those...let alone let go of any offence .....


as Christians... this is what the Lord wants us to do:
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (Colossians 3:12-14)


she couldn't do it... didn't know how, or didn't even see a need for this... not having understood that she too needs to be forgiven, she has never received the forgiveness that God has for her... in turn she has no motivation to let anyone off the hook... after all, she is all alone... fighting for justice for herself...
... so sad....


the bible tells us what happens, when we miss out on His grace and are not extending it to others...
Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. ( Hebrews 12:14-16 )


love the english language... something like.. when something bad happens you can either become bitter or better....
bitterness... a hardened heart... a loving, compassionate, caring woman turning in a rude, selfish, hard woman, so negative.. it breaks my heart...



praying now that the Lord has spared my mother's life, He will be even more gracious and open her eyes to see who she is... that she would realize that she is in need of a Saviour and seek Him out... receive His forgiveness and grace and have a chance to live the rest of her life out in peace and harmony.... only He can do that... I have told her many times how much the Lord loves her and just wants her to come to Him..... 
it is He who saves... I will not cease to lift her up to His throne and plead with Him to unstop her ears so that she can hear Him calling her name... 

...peace in the turmoil....

... turmoil around every corner... conflict and strife, hurts and anger.... no forgiveness... on either side... sad and heart breaking....

yet in the middle of it all... there is PEACE....

Jesus when talking to His disciples about the time He would no longer be there with them said this:
..But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Lately, first with the situation with my mother and now with all that conflict going on right in the middle of my immediate family, He has been surprising me with the extent of that Peace that He is giving me....

when flying over 3 weeks ago, getting on that plane not knowing what news we would receive when we landed... I felt at peace... when spending hour after hour holding my mother's hands, her being hooked up to all those machines... I was at peace... I was saddened, and I didn't want to lose her, I prayed constantly, but I had PEACE..... I was not like I used to be, frantic and out of my mind scared.......
it was not that I didn't care... I care... a lot... but He gave me His Peace...

yesterday when the hurt and anger that had been "simmering" just underneath the surface erupted, I was surprised that this did not trigger my 18 and a half year long pattern of reacting to this... trying to intervene and to control, overwhelmed by fear and anxiety.... no ...on the contrary... I had and have PEACE.... I am praying constantly... I am saddened to have to watch more hurt and pain being inflicted, I am so sorry I cannot control this, but I am trusting Him.... to work His will out , no matter what choices and decisions are being made by those involved...

It goes on in the Gospel of John, quoting Jesus saying: I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

it's a shame that what Jesus said is so true... that in this world we will have trouble... having such a hard time with this because we were made in the image of God to live with Him in the Garden of Eden... in close fellowship.... we were not meant to face all the hardships and ultimately death that entered the world because of the "fall".... fact is, this is the world we live in and without Him giving us His Peace, we will be tossed back and forth and become more and more bitter and negative... building walls to protect us, never letting anyone in because of fear to be hurt..

with Him in us... we do not have to worry about that.... with the Peace He brings we can face anything coming our way... following Him obediently will allow us to deal with the conflict the best way possible...
will their be sadness? for sure... but... there will be PEACE... and joy... and blessings.... I know it because I am experiencing it right now... Praise be to God....

...exhaustion.... rest....

... I can't get over how tired I am... 3 weeks of never sleeping more than 45 minutes to an hour will do that to you I guess...
I have been praying a lot in those times I am awake at night, lifting all the worries and needs of everyone around me to the One who is always up when I am up... isn't that just so amazing...
He never sleeps nor slumbers... He never leaves or gets angry... He never expects stuff for selfish reasons... He never gets impatient with me and He totally understands all that is going on for me, and He cares...
my eyes are burning and I am not that good at focusing on something for too long.... but that's okay...
I guess I have to just do what everyone is telling me to do...just rest... seems to be something that is hard for me to do...  I am sure all moms know what I am talking about...
I loved being back with my church family, worshipping the One who is faithful and just.... felt wonderful...
spending time with my girls... going for walk in Florida like sticky weather with my puppies... my life is back to normal in some sense so that is a good thing...
God is faithful, He is carrying us .. and He is going to turn into good what is bad....  this world with all it's trouble and dysfunction.. sin and disease.. He has won the victory ... what a relief... I do not have to worry about that....  Thanks be to Him from whom all blessings flow.... I love Him!!!!!

... beautiful in His time???

... coming home was good... hugging my kids and my doggies... still running on Adrenalin... organizing dance costumes, makeup, hair stuff... somehow ending up organizing the basement... ( ? ) doing a load of laundry... running errands.. going to the Ortho with one child, taking the other to her Ballet Exam...parent teacher interviews  at night...groceries... dentist this morning...

situation in Switzerland good at first, another spike of the fever... and all that brings about... not nice to be so far away.... today things sounded better again... then worse in the evening... 2 CT scans of the abdomen,   a MRI of the brain, an Ultrasound of the heart... results: all is okay but fluid between the lungs and the rips... causing the cough and breathing difficulties, also the fever...

coming home to another set of problems on a totally different level, threatening and heart wrenching.... it seems, it never ends... everyone talks about me resting but somehow it is not possible....
longing for someone to just come and fix everything..... that's not gonna happen...
I am just so very, very tired and alone.... praying for all the different levels of difficulties in my life.... constantly... All things will be beautiful in His time...right???

.. A Father for my Mami.....

  going home, bittersweet... missed my girls so much... they are all telling me they miss me too.... ( this makes me happy....) missed my puppies, my bed... my home, my car.. ( I am German after all ) :D

missed my sisters in Christ... those wonderful friends the Lord has brought into my life over the last 16 years... 

feeling that the stress of the last 2 1/2 weeks will just make me crash as soon as I lay eyes on one of those friends... then my tears will start flowing... for a very long time...

but now I am going to be missing my mother...

I have, we all have been very emotional.... sitting by the bed of your mother so very ill will do that to you... we also needed to be strong, for her, for each other, even for my kids at home... and... again, thanks to Him we have been able to be strong....

I know though that there are times to be weak... times to finally let your emotions flow.. it is necessary, it is healing... it is comforting... so I am not sure who of my friends will be brave enough to be the first one to see me... 

as difficult as this time has been, it has also brought so many good things.... I cannot remember when love has been expressed to the extent it was expressed between us these last 16 days... so many hours together... a wonderful thing..... I do not remember the last time my mother would have just called me “Mausi” like she did yesterday, or I her, for that matter ..I probably never have... since she is my mother.. :)

brushing her teeth, massaging her feet daily, feeding her and coaxing her to take one more bite... it all came so naturally, as if I was just waiting to do this for her...

all three of us shared this tenderness for my poor, fragile mother.... we met her on such different levels... totally helpless, fearing for her life ,weak and grateful, rebellious like an obnoxious little child... coherent and not at all... ( those were the most scary times , right after the few days in the beginning when we were constantly staring at the monitors... checking if her vitals were holding up)

..when I called her one last time right before boarding, her sounding so back to normal, I allowed myself again to hope that she could go back to being able to live a relatively independent life... committed to whatever it will take to be there for her...  

sharing with her last night that the Lord was right there with her....that with Him she could make it through this... I will continue to plead with Him to save her, to reveal His presence to her... that she, like me, could rest her weary head on His strong shoulders..finding the shelter and love of the Father.... she has never had anything like this before in her life as well.... my Mami....feeling she needed to be strong all by herself all her life..... I so want her to meet Him finally....

.... encouraged by a fellow "blogger" ... last day in Switzerland...

I am so very blessed to be a child of the Most High... I love Him so much and I am so totally excited He speaks to me so clearly.... prayer has always been one of my passions.. being in communication / communion with Him throughout the day and the night...

these last 2 weeks especially I have kept on waking up every hour and all I would do was just plead with the Lord for my mother... not even thinking about it... the words just breaking forth by themselves...

I think, because I’ m kind of tuned into His frequency always... I pick up those messages from Him once in a while...

on the train early this morning... listening to my Christian Music Survival Playlist 

“ Beauty in the Turmoil”  once again I was thinking I maybe shouldn’t “publish” my journal...sometimes I have thought how full of myself I must be to think others would be interested what is going on in my life... wondering if I should just not do it, but then I always get some message telling me how a post has spoken to someone, encouraged them and touched them, just like last night......

so this morning... praying, thinking, listening...spending time with my eternal best friend and companion.. the One who has been there through thick and thin, patiently shaping me... loving me and spurning me on to good deeds... He pointed something out to me...

there was another “blogger” a few thousand years ago... someone who didn’t hold back, didn’t sugarcoat anything... told it how it was... authentically complained, groaned, pleaded, cried out for help....

the wonderful thing about him was that no matter how horrible his circumstances were, he always ended up praising the Lord... proclaiming that he was putting his trust in the only One worthy ... the Lord God Almighty....giving Him what is rightfully His: glory and honor and praise... 

he was not without sin, we all know about his bad choices... and we know what consequences he had to live with...  (how well I can relate to that) ... I am not saying I am a 21st century female David... far from it...

but, in my walk with the Lord, his “blogs” have encouraged me again and again... there have been nights when I told my Saviour that I was not going to put my bible down until He had met me.... I would read the Psalms for hours.... until He did just that.. He met me... He gave me whatever it was that I needed... strength to carry on, comfort, hope....

if one of my blogs can communicate that this is exactly what the Lord has for us, then I will just keep on writing...

....@ the ICU again... hospital day 15....

...my last update from Switzerland for a while... leaving tomorrow...
for my faithful friends, that have been lifting my mother up in prayer..here some facts about another extremely stressful day for my mother...
even more confused this morning, not able to finish any sentence / thought... a fever... overly sensitive to any touch... screaming because of the pain...x-rays and a CT scan to find out the source of the infection inconclusive.. moved to the ICU at 12:30pm ... blood tests reveal total dehydration.. a new IV and catheter for the bladder put in ( my mother had pulled those out 2 nights ago...) 5 hours later she is talking to us and eating her dinner... finishing her 1/2 portion for the first time... the change is once again mind boggling...
friends praying... God answering... medicine doing it's job... Praise be to God...
sitting with my mother this evening, reading to her... praying with her and just cuddling up to her for a while, she fell asleep ... groaning and calling out  " My God, my God" again and again.... sounding tormented still....
and there I was, quiet around me, just the occasional beeping of some machine ....
something became very clear to me.... when my mother started to realize what was going on with her she became more and more grumpy... understandable... she became more angry and rude to the nurses that were there to help her... she didn't want to listen to anything, didn't eat, didn't drink, didn't want to take her medicine etc.... so it dawned on me..... she never has learned to accept suffering.... don't get me wrong, she has suffered... she has suffered a lot....never knew how to deal with it but to fight it... getting more and more bitter and more and more aggressive... again, makes sense... without Jesus in your life you definitely feel you need to control your destiny... and so you fight for your rights and you will never accept things....
as followers of Christ we know about the sufferings our Lord went through to save us from our sins, we also know that he said we should not be surprised  that in this world we would have troubles... in Romans 5 we read:
And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

we are called to accept suffering, to persevere and to never lose hope.... as I prayed with and then later, when she was sleeping, for her that was my prayer... that she too would accept her sufferings and persevere, that the Lord would indeed open her eyes and through His Holy Spirit give her the hope that never disappoints...

another fav verse from Romans...
may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

saying Good bye to my mom was hard... it is time for me to go home, no question about that.... this day has shown us though that this is still a very fragile situation....so it is hard... as I was sitting with her tonite and she was so very loving and tender I just soaked it all in... so thankful for the privilege of spending that much time with her during this very difficult time ... I am leaving her in the capable hands of my Father in Heaven... the Drs and Nurses here, and my brother's caring heart...

....have mercy, oh Lord.....

... seems like she is still not out of the woods at all... everything has been going like clockwork,  no more fever, blood pressure okay, blood sugar okay again, the wound is healing nicely... oxygen in her blood great... maybe some more pain since the Epidural was taken out yesterday... no known infection in the body... and yet..
the last 36 hours brought the first set back in re to the ability to think and communicate... very confused again... not very good....
the Dr not too happy about this, cannot see why this is going on... observing is all he said we could do now..
with the way I am looking at life I do have another explanation... surfacing from a place of drug induced and shut down functions there was only joy for my mother, seeing us all here and realizing that she had survived a very dangerous health crisis.... everything was positive and she was grateful....
the more she came back to "herself" the more the negativity surfaced again as well...
the feelings of bitterness and unforgiveness, mistrust and demands.. remembering the reasons for the bitterness... the hurts and disappointments...

watching my mother today the only word that comes to my mind is tormented... and I believe that's what is going on.... because I believe there is a spiritual sphere....unseen, yet so very real..... anything that happens in the "here and now" has some other dimension...
she is not plugged in to the never ending source of peace and strength... and she definitely would need this now... this is not an easy thing to wake up to.... this is very, very hard... having the patience and not give in to complaining and grumbling... not easy, when all of a sudden you are totally helpless, for the last 50 years my mother has been calling the shots, and now nurses have the nerve to tell her what she can or cannot do... feeling uncomfortable all the time, no appetite, but having to eat... an accident with the colostomy... this is hard to deal with...
.. I can only imagine how discouraging all this must be...

I was watching her and tears came to my eyes again, I am so sad to see her like this... like I said, all her life she has been proud to be in control, putting her hope in a life style, people, beauty, position etc...
all this is not going on right now... all this in the end does not count at all.... all of this is NOT what life is all about... if it was, it would be horrendously sad....

I was watching her and I was praying.... please, let that not be all it will ever be for her...... have mercy oh Lord , in your compassion and unfailing love, save my proud and self sufficient mother... in her weakness may she turn to you... and find the hope that never disappoints... the real reason we are here... to know you, to love you and live for you... to worship and adore you.... please.... have mercy oh Lord...

.... septic shock and "gipfeli"

..she definitely does not understand yet what is really going down... talking to the Dr about tumors and stuff, she  has not the slightest idea that this is Cancer and that this will mean that Chemotherapy has to be seriously considered... the 3 hours this morning were rather discouraging... a lot of talk about the "dreams" that happened because of the septic shock which happened because of the intestinal perforation... all organ systems shutting down as the immune system went into overdrive.... when listening to her talk and seeing how considerably well she is doing, I am still in awe at the recovery process... found out reading up on what happened on the internet, the odds were really more 25-50% ... the higher percentage for sure more applicable for the "elderly".... God has been performing one miracle after the other...
she is doing remarkably well but the fact that some of those issues could be permanent ones is not to be dismissed... I am not dwelling on it but still realize every time I leave how much I am emotionally and physically under stress ... feeling nauseous and so incredibly tired, sometimes breathing is difficult... so thankful though to still be able to be here...
the sun is shining again and it is about 15 degrees in beautiful Engadin, I should go on a little walk but I am just too exhausted...
sad to miss my church service for the 2nd time in a row.... I never like that, but especially now it would be so wonderful to worship together...
I am going to go get a treat from one of the bakeries here... my mother is allowed to have them since  her appetite is not that great, she might take a few bites of a "gipfeli"..... her body needs the calories, otherwise she will continue loosing more muscle and be even weaker..

I know that I am functioning only because   “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

persevering only possible because of His love and care.... leaning on him with all of me... every last cell of my weary body, heart and mind..... loving Him so much......

... attitude, that's what it is all about....

...catching myself not liking the attitude of some people around me.... thankfully the Holy Spirit in me won't let me go there anymore... because, then I would judge them, and they do not know any better... I better make sure my attitude is not that way, complaining and grumbling... if I complain or grumble about the "complainers and grumblers" I am sinning as well... and I have no excuse.. because this is what I know and try to follow:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

  Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
  Who, being in very nature God,
   did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
 but made himself nothing,
   taking the very nature of a servant,
   being made in human likeness.
 And being found in appearance as a man,
   he humbled himself
   and became obedient to death—
      even death on a cross!
 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
   and gave him the name that is above every name,
 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
   in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
   to the glory of God the Father.
( Philippians 2:3-11)

... Christ in me, His Spirit changing me a little bit each day... if I am not resisting too much.. :(  which sometimes I do... I am striving by His strength and grace to live and love this way:

Do everything without complaining or arguing,  so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe (14+15)

cannot judge those without Christ for not being able to do this... I only can if I am totally depending on Him.... so nothing to boast about but Christ .... to Him alone be the glory...

feeding tube removed... daily hospital life not an easy thing to deal with for my mom... trying not to stand in the way of the love of Christ flowing through me to her.... 

.... Praise triumphs over sadness...

...my mother has been having a temperature for a few days now and they do not know where it is coming from... moving her out of the ICU delayed because of it....on a positive note: she walked up and down the hall with the nurse and the contraption... no idea what it is called... anyways, stronger again today... just a little bit, but stronger nonetheless... Praise be to God.... had an hour and a half this morning alone with her before I was kicked out for some changing of bandages and stuff...

being here, talking to or listening to everyone... too much information of the kind I rather not have.... more hurt, more details... this is why I have chosen to stay away for so long.... no mean intentions, just sharing things they know...making little remarks...

I hate sin, I hate consequences... I am so sick and tired of being confronted with just how much betrayal, for how long and in what ways.... lies.... so many lies... I do not need to know.... tears, and the question: why did it have to be that way?
was doing so well, but stepping into the realm of my family left me vulnerable... I knew it...

I am so thankful that my mother is coming back... that she is more and more able to figure out what is reality and what is fantasy... talking to her is almost a 100% back to normal.... it seems like the restraints she had put on herself in re to my marriage have been removed.. it's been so long.. I must be fine to talk about it.... well, unfortunately I am not only fanatic and crazy, forgiving and willing to love no matter what, I also seem to be weak, not getting over what was done to me, still so sad that when driving  back home, I am crying again..... actually, I am not okay with that... I hate that it still hurts me so much...

so I am choosing again to let it go, take my thoughts that are figuring out new information I didn't want, captive to the obedience of Christ... they are not something I should dwell on...
rather I am thanking God for the sunshine, the progress my mother is making and the fact that He is faithful and true...

Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth. 

  Worship the LORD with gladness; 

   come before him with joyful songs. 

 Know that the LORD is God. 

   It is he who made us, and we are his 

   we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

 Enter his gates with thanksgiving 

   and his courts with praise; 

   give thanks to him and praise his name. 

  For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; 

   his faithfulness continues through all generations.

( Psalm 100 )

AMEN