....have mercy, oh Lord.....

... seems like she is still not out of the woods at all... everything has been going like clockwork,  no more fever, blood pressure okay, blood sugar okay again, the wound is healing nicely... oxygen in her blood great... maybe some more pain since the Epidural was taken out yesterday... no known infection in the body... and yet..
the last 36 hours brought the first set back in re to the ability to think and communicate... very confused again... not very good....
the Dr not too happy about this, cannot see why this is going on... observing is all he said we could do now..
with the way I am looking at life I do have another explanation... surfacing from a place of drug induced and shut down functions there was only joy for my mother, seeing us all here and realizing that she had survived a very dangerous health crisis.... everything was positive and she was grateful....
the more she came back to "herself" the more the negativity surfaced again as well...
the feelings of bitterness and unforgiveness, mistrust and demands.. remembering the reasons for the bitterness... the hurts and disappointments...

watching my mother today the only word that comes to my mind is tormented... and I believe that's what is going on.... because I believe there is a spiritual sphere....unseen, yet so very real..... anything that happens in the "here and now" has some other dimension...
she is not plugged in to the never ending source of peace and strength... and she definitely would need this now... this is not an easy thing to wake up to.... this is very, very hard... having the patience and not give in to complaining and grumbling... not easy, when all of a sudden you are totally helpless, for the last 50 years my mother has been calling the shots, and now nurses have the nerve to tell her what she can or cannot do... feeling uncomfortable all the time, no appetite, but having to eat... an accident with the colostomy... this is hard to deal with...
.. I can only imagine how discouraging all this must be...

I was watching her and tears came to my eyes again, I am so sad to see her like this... like I said, all her life she has been proud to be in control, putting her hope in a life style, people, beauty, position etc...
all this is not going on right now... all this in the end does not count at all.... all of this is NOT what life is all about... if it was, it would be horrendously sad....

I was watching her and I was praying.... please, let that not be all it will ever be for her...... have mercy oh Lord , in your compassion and unfailing love, save my proud and self sufficient mother... in her weakness may she turn to you... and find the hope that never disappoints... the real reason we are here... to know you, to love you and live for you... to worship and adore you.... please.... have mercy oh Lord...