my mother is doing amazingly well... hardly any tubes left from the 15 we started out with... feeding tube still in but might be removed tomorrow... if she can eat enough herself... so far neither her appetite nor her stamina are quite up for that...
it was my father's 73rd birthday today... celebration in the ICU... with cake, candles, presents... my mother had some cake too, and a coffee... these nurses are just too wonderful...
a full day... no minute to myself until now.. and as family life returns to "normal" I am confronted with the fact that I just don't fit in.... the only child with black hair I have always called myself "the black sheep" of the family...
the only one that kind of broke free, not involved with the family business... the "bad" one that decided to stand with her husband... not sacrificing the new family for the sake of the "old"....the fanatic one, the one that didn't really want anything to do with astrology, new age and other stuff like this any more.. not in awe of "successful" people, people with titles, position and money...
finding myself sitting in the hospital and listening to the conversation.... feeling sad and alone... tomorrow my sister is leaving ... her little kids need her back... and I am sad about that too... at least she is another "fanatic"... I am so thankful for what the last few months have brought for the two of us...
can't help to be sad, because they are just not understanding what life is really all about... and I am not saying this to be proud or boastful in any way... they would say I am arrogant, to claim that "my way" of
looking at things is the only right way... my heart is aching ... I was hoping that what happened 10 days ago would open their eyes.... and it still might...
the truth is, I just don't fit in.... I am the weird one that was lying in bed as a child wondering what life was all about... reading my bible from beginning to end not only once... too excited about little memory verse cards I brought home from Kindergarten...
a wonderful thing was my daughter telling my mom on the phone today that she has prayed for her.... it warmed my heart she would say that to her... I know she has... and it makes me happy..
have been feeling so alone... magnifying the fact that I am, alone, that in a time like this it would be so nice to have a husband, someone to put his arms around me and hold me and tell me all will be fine... have been telling this to my father, my mother, my kids... and again, I can be the strong one, because in my weakness He is strong... but I still would so love to know if the Lord will bring me this man that could love a fanatic black sheep... one who would be stronger than me... a shoulder to lean on...
..a little worn down from all of this...
tomorrow is another day that the Lord has made... and I will rejoice and be glad in it.... because He will be with me... and I am not alone...even though I might feel that way again....
