... just love for them all.....

.. just looked at a picture I took of my mother when she was still totally out of it, with all the machines and tubes... a picture I took so that we could show her how bad it was, because she wouldn't remember... for the first time giving in to my tears... she was so very fragile and helpless... my love for her overflowing..... feeling bad about that last post... I am just so sad that this is what has been going on.... sad mainly for her... missing out on the wonderful joy that fellowship with Jesus brings..
...life has never been the same for me since that day in June 1994....when I received the Holy Spirit.... when all my guilt and shame was taken away and all my questions where finally answered.... when the void within me was filled.... when I ceased to search .... the joy and excitement has never left me.... the security and peace is something I am sure I will never ever lose again.....

I really just want for all my loved ones to know this deep feeling of belonging.... I want them to feel as loved as I am feeling...I want them to know that there is a purpose to their life...

talking to a friend today, explaining to her that I am okay with the fact that MY (EX) husband is getting married and that my kids are going to be involved in this wedding... causing them all kinds of emotional turmoil... explaining that because I have forgiven him for leaving us I have accepted to be sad, rather than being angry and vengeful, I am motivated to do all in my power to make dealing with a broken family as easy as possible on my kids... being there for them as much as I can...

living with an acceptance of hurt and pain, trusting that He would only allow things like this to happen if there was a real purpose accomplished with it... refining me and making me more like Him... I have been carried by Him, whenever I needed it,... He has blessed me for my obedience and I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that He will never leave me or forsake me... He is all I need... ( and that does not mean that I am not longing for this godly man in my life..sometimes more and sometimes less)
pain is part of my life like it is for everyone... it is what I by His grace do with it that makes that huge difference....

that's what I want for my loved ones... even  for my "Ex".... praying that he can see His love at work in me.... and that one day even he will come and bend his knee before the Lord of Lords and admit his need for a Saviour.... stubborn Germans... all of them ;)

... a bitter root defiling many...

trying to figure something out.... dealing with my mother since she has been awake and on the mend... very difficult... back to the "form" she has been in for many years already... bitter, negative, stubborn, suspecting bad intentions behind anything anyone does, opinionated and controlling.....no more filters resulting in rude behaviour towards others... embarrassing for us, her children... exhausting...... so sad... so I am wondering, how did that happen???? She wasn't always like that......


in her life my mother has had to endure a lot of hurt, disappointment and emotional abuse... the feisty, strong woman she has been, she never dealt with any of those...let alone let go of any offence .....


as Christians... this is what the Lord wants us to do:
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (Colossians 3:12-14)


she couldn't do it... didn't know how, or didn't even see a need for this... not having understood that she too needs to be forgiven, she has never received the forgiveness that God has for her... in turn she has no motivation to let anyone off the hook... after all, she is all alone... fighting for justice for herself...
... so sad....


the bible tells us what happens, when we miss out on His grace and are not extending it to others...
Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. ( Hebrews 12:14-16 )


love the english language... something like.. when something bad happens you can either become bitter or better....
bitterness... a hardened heart... a loving, compassionate, caring woman turning in a rude, selfish, hard woman, so negative.. it breaks my heart...



praying now that the Lord has spared my mother's life, He will be even more gracious and open her eyes to see who she is... that she would realize that she is in need of a Saviour and seek Him out... receive His forgiveness and grace and have a chance to live the rest of her life out in peace and harmony.... only He can do that... I have told her many times how much the Lord loves her and just wants her to come to Him..... 
it is He who saves... I will not cease to lift her up to His throne and plead with Him to unstop her ears so that she can hear Him calling her name...