it's a weird feeling.
it's two things going on at the same time on a very deep emotional level
feeling exposed, raw, small, broken, abused, neglected, disposed, tossed around and trampled on, disrespected and disregarded..
and ...glowing joy... overflowing, unstoppable, overwhelming
that joy that comes from thankfulness and gratitude for the God who loves me and is so good to me,
from knowing that I do not deserve that God, the mighty and magnificent Creator of the Earth who reigns over EVERYTHING
who spoke galaxies into being and whose will cannot be thwarted, to stoop down to me, pick me up and hold me close...
that God choosing to become flesh taking on the form of a servant, considering the joy of making a way for me to be reconciled to Him worth being put to shame and nailed to a cross...
raising from the dead, displaying His might, defeating death and Satan...
it has my mind twirling around..
all along working my life out for his glory..
from the little 4 year old that loved the little memory verses and the Bible stories to the young girl that was hurt again and again by one she should have been able to trust.
a childhood where violence and angry outbursts ruled and somehow were twisted into a reality ...
the aggression, the demeaning put downs and painful words..... the fear and the anxiety, the insecurity and the belief that this was somehow normal and deserved...
hanging around the people that have shared and still might be bound by and connected to this reality much more than I am, is never ever good for me. I know it.
and now over the last months through the exposure to the "toxic" people remembering more and more of these incidents, I am sure by God's perfect design and purpose... He is doing something in me...
and as much as I do not agree with the whole " we need to cut ties of the toxic relationships" motto, I know that if this amazing Saviour hadn't entered my life 24 years ago I would for sure have to do just this..
some newer experiences have highlighted again just how detrimental the time spent with this original family is for me,
and, just how amazing God is ... surrounding me with a family put together by Him... my sisters and brothers in Christ...
who step in and bless so naturally, as if it was the most normal thing in the world..
this wedding a few days ago was one of those moments of clarity again... showers of blessings from God and His people making it the most amazingly magical event ... far outweighing the disappointments, frustrations and hurts inflicted by those that just shouldn't do that...
listened to an amazing sermon by John Piper on my way to Canada to take care of some of my family members right after the wedding...
this is what I heard...
everything that comes my way is GRACE... every hurt and pain and suffering is not wasted here on earth... somehow the small child that was beaten and screamed at was always safe and secure in her Father's arms... all along He had a plan, He was already working on refining and shaping, He was working on getting me to the place where He would personally lift me out of all this by revealing Himself to me... by binding up my broken heart, tenderly collecting all the pieces and putting them back together, holding me, comforting me and in it all He has been in the business of making me more like Him, through all the heartache and loneliness and fear and pain...
I thank Him that He allowed me to be desperate when I met Him
I thank Him that I already knew that I too was very capable of sinning
I thank Him that I had no more hope, my world was that bad and I was that weak that I had no way of being hopeful in anything anymore..
and then He showed up... and He is my hope
and I will never ever be casual about Him
or His people, His cause, His will...
I know that I have no good thing apart from Him.
I know that He is the One who upholds me with His righteous right hand
I know that it is only His power that gives me strength and makes me able to do good things
I know that it's not about me, it is all about Him
do I have to cut the ties?
He has already removed me quite a bit.
so, no, I don't need to apply some kind of self defense,
He is my defender, He lifts me up high upon a rock....and keeps me safe.
He is the author and perfecter not only of my faith but of every little detail of my life...
all leading up to what others meant for evil to be turned into good for me, who loves Him with all my heart, soul and mind and strength...
To Him Be The Glory Forever and Ever...
