May 2009 my friend and mentor challenged me to pray through this passage and ask the Lord how good a job I was doing with loving my husband like that.. things had been even tougher than before and 7 months later he would walk out on us for good..
did not know that back then and, good girl that I am ;) I listened to the instructions and sat down one afternoon and prayed...
didn't expect what happened then... my Father in Heaven, gently, yet firmly showed me where over time I had not loved my husband well at all... I was not patient anymore, often times I was not kind at all, I had become very easily angered, and even though I forgave him for disappointing and letting me and the kids down every time, I still resented him.. I didn't trust, I felt very hopeless, and I had a very hard time persevering for sure..
I broke down in bitter tears and all I could do was ask God to forgive me... I repented and in turn God flooded my heart with what I think was His love for my husband.. a love that did not expect anything in return, that loved him for the potential he had, for the fact that he tried at times, a love fuelled by compassion and grace rather than by hurt feelings and disappointment.. I went to my husband and asked him to forgive me as well... I so hoped things could be better from then on..
3 months later I found proof of an affair he had been having for some time and even though I forgave and we spent another 3 months together, he eventually left..
my friends and I couldn't quite understand why God would have brought about that big change just for the marriage to fall apart anyways..
in the months following the separation God did show me how right His timing was after all...
loving my husband the way I did, through the change in my heart that God had brought about, I was able to still love him .. loving him now meant letting him go, accepting that even though my heart was changed, his wasn't... forgiving him over and over again, without any thought of revenge.. still seeing the good, the potential and the willingness to try to do better than what had been modelled to him in his childhood... I was able to accept the pain that this caused me, not fight it but move through it instead.. living it, every moment of every day...
it wasn't nice.. but it allowed for healing to take place... the feelings of rejection and abandonment I had I offered up to the lover of my soul, because He alone loves me perfectly... I was not trying to control or manipulate the one that had never met my emotional needs to give it to me now ( duh)... I didn't expect anything anymore .. so I was no longer disappointed..
reading through this passage this week something dawned on me...
this is a very high calling and before I commit my life to another man I better make sure I am willing to love him like this... because I definitely want to be the wife I need to be, this time from the beginning ...
