..the password for my cousin's e-mail account...I will never forget where I was...in my beautiful kitchen, on my beautiful PINK macbook.... trying to get to the bottom of things.. led by the Holy Spirit who was revealing to me the truth about the state of my marriage..
...I went on the website, I punched in the password that had been brought to my attention... and voila... there it was.
A whole folder of e-mails between my husband and the woman he was betraying me with...
Pain inflicted to an extend that I had never thought possible... reduced to the raw emotions of such unbelievable hurt and betrayal... all I could do was SCREAM... not cry.... but SCREAM...
My first impulse was to call him and confront him, but then I changed my mind and rather saved all those e-mails to my documents.. to have proof because I was fully aware that as soon as I would tell my husband what I found I would never get into this account again...
Called him then and told him that there was no more need to deny anything, that I knew and that I needed him to come home and make a decision.. either for us or against us but that he then would have to move out.
Called my mentor and went to see her at the church... on the way, in my car, with the music blasting I was just screaming again, letting out all the pain... I remember thinking that this must be what it means to share into Christ's suffering... because wasn't he also betrayed by the ones that swore to stand by Him???
The hurt was so magnified because not only my husband but also the relative closest to my heart, my confidante and companion since the day she was born, my cousin, had betrayed me and inflicted a pain I would have never been able to imagine beforehand and will never be able to forget... ever...
At the church I cried, we prayed.. I forgave... I did, I really did, oh the love I had for him, how God had changed my heart... the pain did not go away, but I was ready, ready to have that conversation, ready to trust God with whatever the outcome would be...one year ago today...learned something today, after a loss you will never be the same again, you will heal, and I have, it will not hurt as much anymore after a while, am there now most of the time... but you will never go back to who you were before...because when God allows the pain and the loss in our lives he uses it to transform us...to shape us and mold us and take us to a new level of awareness... more aware of many things... how fragile life is... how precious and not to be taken for granted... how much He loves me, that I can trust Him, and that people are just that, people, that will let me down, and hurt me.. just like I will let them down and hurt them... but that God is so much BIGGER and with His help I can overcome any hurt inflicted on me...
.....we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. ( Romans 5:3-5)
to be continued.....
