looking through birth certificates and immigration papers and such I also found my marriage license and my divorce papers from my first marriage... officially translated and perfectly filed away...
was assaulted once again by the feeling of failure and defeat. married twice, divorced twice... children : two from the first and one from the second marriage... two broken families...
Growing up, there was one person I definitely didn't want to end up like and that was my aunt... 3 children from 3 different fathers, married and divorced twice... she was the black sheep.. no doubt about it...
tossed away the first marriage convinced there had to be someone else out there so much more compatible... immature and no restrictions from God, wasn't a Christian then and thought I was doing my children a favor by creating a "peaceful" environment rather than one of constant fighting...new relationship, different dynamics but even more tension and fights.. saved 2 years into it... married a year and a half later... couldn't just continue to live together like that anymore .....
convicted of the sinfulness of divorce, and committed to love and respect my husband, I fought for almost 14 years to make this marriage work, working through my issues, couples counseling, marriage seminars etc. Lost. Lost the battle... was betrayed and abandoned .. today , I am looking at the documentation of my defeat and I am saddened, funny, I was never mad at God for this, I had prayed and sought Him for answers and help in this... to no avail...
received an invitation for a party for the daughter of a friend who is getting married... presents: a favorite recipe and a piece of advice for a happy and healthy marriage.... well, not from me.. can't give any advice on that one.. seeing as my track record is rather bleak.....
realized something else the other day... I am still sad about loosing whatever love there once was... can't get over it.. even tough that happened much longer then just 2 1/2 years ago when the affair that was the catalyst for this break up started...
I might just be very inflexible.... like I said, committed to the bitter end... committed to love no matter what... I might just not be able to ever let that go....
I am broken, I am sad and depressed but I know that He will repay me for the years the locusts have eaten.. I have been forgiven for my mistakes and sins... He is in the process of restoring me and as He is He is quieting me with His love and delights over me with singing..... Holding fast to these truths
( because that's what they are ) is hard when the assaults and attacks come... when the feelings are still there and have not completely healed... when there is no one to comfort and wipe away the tears... but they still are truths.... God's Word, which is without error since it is inspired by Him, tells me so.....
and today, once again I choose to believe... defeat? no. Restoration in His time? YES!
