..giving up control......

..Trust... Trusting in the Lord... learning to trust Him is a journey... it seems that when we learn to trust Him for one thing there is a new area of our lives where trusting seems really hard...

If I was God the Father... I would get a little annoyed with my children...
He has never done anything to make us doubt that we can trust Him.
He alone knows what is best for us. He has proven His love for us when He willingly gave His son to pay for our sins.
He has given us the Holy Spirit and with Him all we need for life and godliness.
He provides and heals, He directs and guides, He has given us eternal life with Him and He promises never to leave us or forsake us.
He continues to bless us, every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. ( James 1:17)
He is holy and unable to sin, so He has never hurt us. Nor will He ever betray us...

And there we are, still having a hard time trusting Him.....

Let's take another approach...

He is the Sovereign God, the Almighty, the Creator of the Heaven and the Earth,

Then Job replied to the LORD:
  “I know that you can do all things;
   no purpose of yours can be thwarted.  (Job 42:1+2)
He is the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, He is in control of all things,
In His sovereignty He promises us:
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ( Jeremiah 29:11)

And what do we think? How do we come up with the idea that we could choose not to let God control all things? Why do we think we need to surrender to God and allow Him to do what He is doing anyways... He will do what He will do no matter if we trust Him and give up our will.... why is it so important for us to come to that point though?

It  has to do with who God is and how much He loves us... He not only is sovereign, He is also promising us peace if we bring all our requests to Him in thanksgiving.. leaving them at His throne, trusting His goodness and that He will make all things beautiful in His time...

so no matter if I am finally admitting that He is the One in control over if my children will come to walk with Him closely, or if my future will hold the fulfillment of meeting this wonderful godly man, it is Him who is going to decide that...  not me... the benefit of trusting Him and surrendering to Him is the peace that I can find when I do it.... and then be free to focus on Him and the purpose of my life which is to bring Glory to Him.... forever and ever, Amen

.... purpose for a broken heart...

haven't been at the top of my game for the last 2 months... too much going on, too many "not supposed to be" days.. had me slip back into some kind of a depressed state...
slowly coming out of it again, regaining some of my strength and enthusiasm... had a meeting today with my beloved pastor...
discussing with him the prospect of this new ministry that God has so definitely called me to, my partner and I sharing the excitement with him was a great experience.. we are only one week away from another opportunity to share the full vision God has given us with the Elders board, answer all the questions they may have and hopefully get the final "go ahead"....
this week, at the Pregnancy Center I was entering data into the computer and once again I was gripped by the heartache that is going on, the ages of these desperate girls coming in for a pregnancy test are still shocking me, too young to be playing with the fire the way they are... sad, sad stories of lives already in such turmoil...

looking back I can only thank God for allowing me to see what is going on, and that He has been and continues to orchestrate things the way He does... I thank Him for giving me a passion for healing and supporting those in need and giving me a real purpose...

no longer a wife, and a mother whose children are leaving the nest one by one, I am tremendously blessed to have something so worthwhile filling my days, my mind and mostly my heart...

I love those girls I am coming in contact with and my prayer is that they will find much more than "just" some education and support... that they will be able to encounter the living God and the love He has for them...
I am praying as well that as our Center will open it's doors sometime this year, women that have had an abortion in the past will feel the freedom to come and find the healing that Jesus has for them.

I am hoping that in a couple of weeks time we will be searching for a location, will be approaching potential donors and supporters and that God in His great mercy will open doors and straighten paths for us.
I am so grateful that.. we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. ( Ephesians 2:10)

I am aware that there will be challenges and difficult times ahead, but I am more convinced than ever before that there is no better place to be than right where God's will has me... following Him is my desire and pleasure... to take my eyes off myself and become more and more concerned about the needs of those around me is a blessing like no other.

...make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge;  and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness;  and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.  For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
(2 Peter 1:5-8)

... a "blah" kind of day?????

.. not sure if having a Birthday lunch today counts for drawing this Birthday thingi out another day... just kidding...
 it is a grey day, yucky and cold and it is now 362 days to my birthday... that's depressing but also a good thing... I definitely can wait another 362 days until I am a year closer to being 50... phew...

But all kidding aside... just a regular, grey day today... some conflict last night, an Ortho appointment this morning, the lunch a high light in a rather blah kind of a day...

I don't know about you but I would rather just go back to bed and snuggle up under my blankets than face the day...

good thing is that encountering my best friend early this morning gave me reason to get up and seize the day.. His mercies are new every morning...

In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly. (Psalm 5:3)
Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. (Psalm 90:14)

This morning I am assured once again that your love for me is unfailing... that  those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. (Isaiah 40:31)

When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who watch over my way (Psalm 142:3)

the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore. (Psalm 121:8)

So, no matter what we are facing this day... if it is difficult, or just blah... we can be assured that the One who delights over us with singing, who quiets us with His love, will always be right there with us...
with Him we can do all things...  Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

Birthday, or no Birthday... excitement or just a regular grey day... with Him, every day has a purpose and joy... a joy that no one can take away... in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:37-39)

.. Trusting God.. a choice..

It's my Mumpy Day... the day after one's Birthday when you are still pretty special.. adopted by my family about 25 years ago from friends who thought that going from Birthday to "364 days to your next birthday" was just a little too harsh... so there. That's what it is for me today.


Reflecting on yesterday's message, the acceptance of suffering, holding on to one's faith and keeping on going even when the going gets really tough... I was thinking that in order to do this, to have this kind of faith one needs to trust in God...


trust:  reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confident expectation of something; hope.
a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.

How do we know that God is trustworthy???

One of my biggest frustrations with "traditional Christians" is that they have this idea of God, a mixture of all the stuff they have heard somewhere that made them form an opinion of God....

If we want to know who God is we need to read His Word, the Bible and study it... it is there where we can find out exactly who He is...

Here are just a few verses that tell us about God's Goodness:

Psalm 23:6

Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

2 Peter 1:3 

His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.

Psalm 109:21

But you, Sovereign LORD, help me for your name’s sake; out of the goodness of your love, deliver me.

Because God is good all the time, we can trust Him..

Psalm 31:14

But I trust in you, LORD; I say, “You are my God.”
Psalm 52:8
But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever.
Psalm 62:8
Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Jer 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

His Word is full of passages that speak about what God has done for His people, and what He promises for us to do...  He already did the biggest thing He could ever do for us, He sent His one and only Son to pay for our sins.... we are reconciled to Him because of that... the moment we believe that He did this for us eternal life with Him begins..

Romans 8:31-32  

If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

Trusting Him is a choice... knowing Him, His Word will help make that choice, but it is a choice... like so many other things we need to do in this life, we might never do it if we wait for "feeling like" it...
Proverbs 3:5+6 says this:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart 

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him, 

 and he will make your paths straight.
 

So what are you waiting for????

... Birthday blessings...

so today is the day... my Birthday... I grew up in a home where Birthdays were a VERY big deal... so exciting that falling asleep was almost impossible for me... my mother always decorated the "Birthday table" with flowers and candy and all the presents... our cake would be decorated with little marzipan figurines and sugary flowers and such.... we even got to open our gifts already in the morning ...

last night  I was not allowed downstairs.. my girls were busy baking my cake and decorating the Birthday table for me.... with presents, flowers and candy.... they are such a blessing...

having a birthday on a Sunday is especially nice...  as I was standing with everyone, worshipping God , my kids all standing beside me, I thanked Him for the way He does care, how He has been there for me always... my whole life, even when I didn't really know Him yet... trusting Him for our future is not that hard considering His faithfulness throughout my life.

the sermon was about suffering and why it happens... I know all this... I accept it, and I know that it is really about  eternal life with Him... I know that doing what is right, forgiving, reconciling and not retaliating and sinning is pleasing my Saviour and is also portraying to those around me who He really is... that it is He who has been and continues to give me the grace and peace that makes it possible for me to live the way I do...  our pastor kept on asking: "is it worth it?" and yes, I would say it is... right now it might look that I am losing out... I am not the one happily engaged and living the life.... I am the one who carries the burden of this broken family... and still.... it is worth it to me... because I love Him... and He loves me... for eternity.... that's all that counts..

... loving well 2....

...love and respect... different roles... God given.... totally lost in today's society... but so crucial, so life changing when lived out in a marriage...
during the many years of trying to make my marriage work I learned so many good and helpful things.. the fact that a man needs to be respected and a woman needs to be loved and feel secure deep inside is one of those principles that God has given us in His Word.
a man that lives to please God, who puts his wife's needs before his own (Phil 2:3-4 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,  not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.) laying his life down for his wife daily... who as a woman wanting to obey God wouldn't want to respect and honor a husband that treats her this way? Submitting to him , trusting him, trusting God... such freedom to be found in this.
God is the one who made us and designed marriage... shouldn't He know what is most needed?
wondering why he asks the man to love and the woman to respect? it's because he knows that for a man respect comes easily and love is something a woman has less problems with... therefore He calls us to what is harder for us to achieve, what we need to focus on more...

I look around and see my wonderful life

Almost perfect from the outside

In picture frames I see my beautiful wife

Always smiling

But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands

Stand up when I can't

Don't leave me hungry for love

Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight

That I'm still the love of your life

I know we call this our home

But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes

They're just children from the outside

I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine

They're independent

But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands

Stand up when I can't

Don't leave me hungry for love

Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight

That I'm still the love of your life

I know we call this our home

But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength

To be everything I'm called to be

Oh, Father, show me the way

To lead them

Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands

To stand up when they can't

Don't want to leave them hungry for love,

Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight

And give them the best of my life

So we can call this our home

Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

(Sanctus Real)

Love this song... it's a high calling.... but isn't it worth it? Nothing of any worth in this world is easy,  with Him all things are possible and let me tell you.... I wish we both had worked on this more.. because on this side of the equation... mainly brokenness and scars... my prayer is for the men to take the lead... and the women to follow... glorifying God together and with His help living in a marriage that endures whatever comes it's way....

.... reflection....

this is the last day of my old year... a very dear friend suggested I follow his daughter's example and celebrate 3 days in a row... works for me... so here we go...
considering that each day is a gift from the Lord and He is the one to give me breath I need to thank Him for this last year...

I thank you Lord for these last 364 days
I thank you for new mercies every morning
I thank you for your grace and strength for every day
I thank you for my children who bring to my life laughter, joy and a love that makes my heart overflow
I thank you for my friends.. each one of them is a blessing to me
each one of them has been Christ to me and helped me carrying my burden
I thank you for the support my family has been to me, without their generosity our life would not be the same
I thank you for reconciled relationships,
I thank you for  your strength, grace and comfort when I needed to extend forgiveness,
I thank you for the fact that we could separate and work all issues out in fairness, I thank you that we can be friends now and that I can rely on my Ex husband for the support we need
I thank you for your presence when I have been lonely,
I thank you for your healing, your warm embrace and your presence with me always,
I thank you that you have revealed yourself to me in so many wonderful new ways,
I thank you for your unfailing love ministering to me when I felt rejected and trampled,
I thank you for the joy that I could find in your presence,
I thank you for new horizons and the plans that you have for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future, even when I couldn't imagine it,
I thank you for the purpose you have for me and my girls,
I thank you that you are allowing me to invest myself into the lives of others, Lord,
I thank you for the way you have been stretching me through this last year..
challenging me to trust you like never before,
I thank you for allowing me to lose my security in my husband, finances and family,
because it allowed me to find my security in you more than ever before,
I thank you Lord for allowing the sin of others to bring me closer to you, because you alone are my joy and my salvation,
through this you have taught me to fix my eyes on you, cling to you for all that I need....
I praise you, for your plans are wonderful,
I thank you for walking with me through the valley,
for leading me into the light... for your faithfulness and love and mercy...
You are my all and all... I love you with all my heart, soul , mind and strength...
Amen

.... Loving well.....

..how to love your husband well.....
not all of us had the privilege of growing up with parents that were good role models for what a good wife and a good husband is... we have to learn it the hard way, through trial and error, marriage seminars, counselling and the very hard way even...

I learned many things after I became a Christian and the Bible became my reference... the place with all the answers to life's questions...

In Ephesians 5 we read:
Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her .
Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

1 Peter 3 adds this:
Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

Learned what marriage is:  a union of man and woman, equally valued by God, made for different roles but  the authority and with this the responsibility and accountability to God ultimately lies with the husband... This is not meant to be a card blanche for the husband to dictate and boss around his wife, not at all, it also does not diminish the value of the opinions and convictions of the wife, as helpmate she is called to speak into the life of her husband, lovingly giving her input...
respecting Him... letting him have the last word , trusting God, who is sovereign, and in authority over us all..
and then finally... the revelation: another scripture..

Love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs, Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails...

Praying through it.. asking God to reveal where I was failing... it is a high calling, but if this is our prayer  daily, asking God to help us to love our husbands like this.. I think we have a good chance of making it... building something that will last and succeed in creating a safe and healthy place for our children to grow up... there is tremendous blessing in being obedient to God...

..what was intended for evil.....

..he had not much luck..... even though his life had started out pretty good, he was his father's favourite son, he even gave him a beautiful, colourful coat... then he had these dreams.. dreams that promised something special to him... but then, there was the jealousy his brothers felt.. it made them very angry.. so angry they plotted to get rid of him, once and for all... from there it went downhill... sold into slavery....
but the Lord was always with the young man, he had been given many gifts and talents.. he was a man of integrity and great business sense... God made the people he worked for treat him well and with favour... still, there were things that didn't go well... doing the right thing , standing up for what was right even got him thrown into prison... and again... he was still living a life that brought glory to God and got him a better position...over all though... not much changed for him.. circumstances stayed the same.. but he never gave up... fixing his eyes on his God and remembering the dreams he had, trusting that God still had this special plan for him made him continue to do what was right and honor God..

there is much to be learned from Joseph's story... we have the benefit of knowing what the special plan was and how God was turning what his brother's had meant for evil into something very good... Joseph didn't know... in the many years of his captivity his life must have been rather hard and I am sure it was quite bleak at times.. he never gave up .... he held on to the promise of the dreams he had... he held onto what he knew was right even while others around him continued to do wrong, sin against him...

standing up for what is right, continuing to trust while circumstances are not changing... trusting God's promises even though all around seems so very unfair... standing firm and fixing my eyes on the eternal rather than the temporary... accepting pain without demanding justice...

He who knows the beginning from end.. He who is the Sovereign God of the Universe.. He who is good all the time... who put the stars in their place ... He who in all things works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose... He is going to come through for those that trust in Him..He will let His face shine on his servant;  He will save me in his unfailing love... He is faithful and worthy of all praise...

In His time He will save his people on that day as a shepherd saves his flock. They will sparkle in his land like jewels in a crown.


So no matter how difficult it is, I am choosing to hold on ... I also glory in my suffering, because I know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put me to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into my heart through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to me.

what seems unfair now will be made right by the One who judges the living and the dead.... in His hands I entrust my children and myself... offering up all my sadness and pain... praying that I will be able, by His grace to bring glory and honor to His name... the Name above all Names...
My Lord and Saviour.. Jesus Christ... AMEN

..... leave it all behind and rise above...

..Tomorrow night will be another moment of sadness for me... another "consequence" and I do hate those...oh, I know far too well what this means now... I am not too happy that I know how this feels in such detail .. rather would still have my experience limited to what it was before Dec 18, 2009.


Sitting at Starbucks the other day ( with my Ex-husband )... talking,  and bits of the conversation hurt so much,  they are "manifestations" of the so called "consequences of the sin" that I have forgiven and therefore have given up any right to hold against anyone or get angry about... I have chosen to quietly accept and go through the pain... and it comes at me again and again, like the steady surf at a beach.... sometimes more violent than other times ... 
and so, tomorrow night, another wave is going to hit me..
thinking about this today I couldn't help but think about what started all this... at the beginning was a LIE....

LIE: falsehood, fib, fabrication,deception, invention, fiction, piece of fiction, falsification; ANTONYMS : truth. Ha... Truth... that would have been so much better...
Do not give false testimony against your neighbour.. one of the commandments... might be important one could conclude... after all, there were only ten of them..
But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them.  For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. (Matthew 15:18-20)

Del Tackett in the Truth Project said something very wise: Behind every sin is a lie. 
For obvious reasons honesty has always been very important to me.. took a personality test and this was some of the stuff they came back with:

"Your code of ethics is remarkably strong and you expect others (not only your partner and those closest to you, but everyone) to live honest, committed lives as well. 

You are incredibly loyal to friends, employers, employees, and above all to your significant other. Whatever or whomever you commit to is your sole (and soul) focus. You love to serve and will give freely of yourself in order to nurture the lives of others."

So I am slowly understanding why it is so incredibly hard for me to get over the break up of this marriage... the lack of commitment, the lack of honesty and loyalty is continuing to hurt me and as much as I want to be done with this and move on I am stuck...

everything I am about has been violated and this has shaken up my foundation to an extend that will, I am realizing that now, take years to heal and fully mend.

In the meantime I am pleading with my Lord to catch me when the waves threaten to make me lose my balance.. fall and crash again... He is there, faithfully sheltering me from the brunt of the blow.. 

And there He is using His faithful servant..my favourite singer, Man after God's own heart, Michael W Smith.. who, no one is surprised anymore, has a song for me:                     

Walk across the shore 

Walk across the sea 

Stand upon the waves 

And walk with me 

Journey through the door 

Come see what I can see 

All the reasons we were made 

Who we were meant to be 

Rise, He's calling you to go 

Just leave it all behind 

And rise above 

Beyond the obvious 

And what you can attain 

Past the here and now 

Where faith remains 

Lift your weary head 

There's too much left to lose 

More than you can imagine 

It's waiting there for you 

Rise, He's calling you to come 

Just leave it all behind 

And rise above 

Come and stand 

And join with me as one 

Now take my hand and we 

Will rise above 

In His strength, I shall try to do this...again and again...

...love146..... Get up and do something!!!

two nights ago, someone retweetet something  on Twitter that caught my attention... I went to the website and read the story... let me tell you about Love146 and how they got their name...
It was a number of years ago that the founders of this organization went along with detectives on an undercover investigation in Indonesia.... they went to a brothel and found themselves behind a glass barrier, separating them from a row of very young girls, probably between 10 - 12.... all dressed up in fancy red dresses, with a white number pinned to the front of their dress.... they were staring into a tv, cartoons were on and their stares were vacant, empty and dead.... all of the eyes were like that but one, # 146.... she stared defiantly at the men .... she was the only one that seemed to still have some life left in her...
That night was for information gathering only, they felt sick that they could not have rescued those children right there and then from the exploitation as sex slaves... each of these girls would be raped that night 10 -15 times.... like every night.. Eventually the authorities had enough evidence gathered to close the place down but when the police came back # 146 was no longer there..... no one knows what happened to her...
The founders of Love146 are remembering her by making her number part of their name... Love146.org is an organization that fights for the abolition of child sex slavery and exploitation...

When I went on their website and read that story it made me physically sick.... I looked it up,  between 700,000 and 1,200,000 children are sold into slavery or abducted every year worldwide...
This is an atrocity, let's ask ourselves, what does Jesus want us to do? He definitely does not want us to cringe and then just file it away as something horrible we know...  He is the Father of the Fatherless, the Defender of the Defenseless... He came to redeem the Lost, to bring hope to those without hope... He loves the little children... He IS compassion...
The first thing we need to do is to make this an item on our prayer list... lifting up these helpless children to Him, and asking how and where He can use us in furthering His Kingdom, pushing back the gates of hell by getting involved in some way with this cause... spreading awareness is one step in this direction and that is why I am putting this story out today......
We CANNOT just forget about what is going on there.... We serve an Almighty, sovereign God and He might just have this amazing plan for you to be an instrument of real peace....

... need to break the silence...

... this morning...holding on to my Saviour as I am so used to doing...So thankful for that!!!... holding on to Him, trusting Him for all preparations to work out..without technical glitches or malfunctions.. bathed in prayer a special event... a God ordained "First"....

... after meeting at the same time, same place, different session....my partner and I were this morning addressing the ladies of GAC, or should I say, the ladies of RENEW, our Women's Bible Study...
sharing with them our hearts... facts, statistics and information about the ministry the Lord has both called us to...sharing a story, moving testimony of a life gone down the path of destruction because of a fatal misconception...the misconception that God would indeed want burnt offerings and sacrifices... that He would want us to come and sacrifice for that one "unforgivable" sin over and over again.... not telling anyone, alone in the guilt and shame, locked into a prison of self destruction....
..the message: the sin: as any other sin... very much forgivable, indeed FORGIVEN and paid for, by the One and Only, the Lamb without sin and blemish... is what He did not good enough???

..."to forgive ourselves"... too hard to do when we are talking about "that" sin???? Abortion?
... theologically speaking there is never even a need to do that.... God forgives us, we need only believe that this is exactly why Jesus died on the cross and that by believing we are saved, our sins are forgiven and we are washed clean.... white as snow...

..emotionally this is a different scenario and he who wants to keep us in that place of guilt and shame plays with our minds and torments us... in this case, the story we heard this morning until death came... in the arms of Jesus the poor, tormented soul, safe, never to be snatched away...
..today the story.. told in obedience to the calling from the Father..

..WE NEED TO BREAK THE SILENCE.....

18 % of abortions performed every year are performed on women that call themselves evangelical Christians...to me that means in my church, in your church... in all the churches women are sitting in the pews ( or in more comfortable chairs like in our church ;) that are and will continue hiding that one sin, that one sin that no one can ever know about... that unforgivable sin, that haunts them, that makes them afraid and anxious, sometimes not able to cope with every day life....

..while all along all He requires is a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart He will not despise...
.. so the message today...come to the Healer... come to the Cross and once and for all tell someone about your sin... confess it and ask the Lord for forgiveness... He will remove it as far as the East is from the West and He will remember it no more...... NO NEED to bring it up again...

... this morning... blessing after blessing... hearts shared... a journey started... a beginning.... healing extended from on High... through humble vessels powered by GRACE... the unmerited favor... there is an infinite fountain of it right where He is.... the Saviour and Redeemer... Jesus, the Son of God...
my bestest forever friend... to Him be all Praise Glory and Honor, AMEN

... Deep calls to Deep....

... almost 2 weeks into the New Year and so far this one has had her share of weeping and despair...

weeping many days and many nights.. sorrow, welling up in places expected and in unexpected ones.. necessary processing and some at least unnecessary seeming yet allowed by and filtered through the Almighty's loving fingers..

Weeping nonetheless, sadness and, at times even hopelessness... a dark heavy covering over everything, a head bursting with a pulse that is fighting the tension, the band of iron that closes in, threatening ...

chest pain... haven't had this for some time.. but this is indeed so deep a fear it is paralyzing, new angles, new versions of consequences and difficulty... like I said.. at times, hopelessness..... 

My soul yearns, even faints, 

for the courts of the LORD; 

my heart and my flesh cry out 

for the living God. 

driving and pleading with Him... Have mercy on us, have mercy on us.. I have nothing left inside anymore.. nothing available.. no more strength from me, it has to be YOU, and You all alone...

Blessed are those whose strength is in you, 

whose hearts are set on pilgrimage. 

Weeping... walking through a barren and dry land... can't see the other side.. I KNOW there is a light at the end of the tunnel but I CANNOT see it....

 As they pass through the Valley of Baka, 

 they make it a place of springs; 

 the autumn rains also cover it with pools. 

They go from strength to strength, 

 till each appears before God in Zion

Hang on, keep on hanging on... He is there with you.. He will never leave you or forsake you, you are NOT alone... 

Deep calls to deep
And my soul finds no resting place but Him
He is my God
The yearning of my soul His touch can still
And each rare moment
I felt His presence
I shall remember
And forever cherish

Deep calls to deep
For he created me to be His own
He understands
The joy and pain of life He too has known
And each rare moment
I felt His presence
I shall remember
And forever cherish

Deep calls to deep
And at His feast I am a welcomed guest
He gives me food
The hunger of my soul is laid to rest
And each rare moment
I felt His presence
I shall remember
And forever cherish

...live, obey, love and believe....

.. someone responded to my last post and after reflecting on what she said I was desperately trying to write another post last night, for some reason blogger.com wouldn't let me write another entry so I gave up...
I do believe that God is in TOTAL control and so I just decided He was just telling me it was time to get off the computer and sleep...



the insight this friend shared with me last night about submitting to the Lord in regards to where I am in my life and accepting it, really spoke to me, like I said it lifted me right out my "funk" and I really wanted to share that...
but again, the Lord knew better... He was going to give a verse to a friend who would share it with me....so that what was communicated as amazing advice was clarified by a Word from the Lord...

so here it is:


"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there." - (1 Cor. 7:17)

Now this is such a wonderful thing for me, because I do love the Word... after all, Jesus is the Word...

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was with God in the beginning.  Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.  In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind.  The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. ( John 1:1-5)

So I love the Word and this is what that means:


Your decrees are the theme of my song
   wherever I lodge.
 In the night, LORD, I remember your name,
   that I may keep your law.
 This has been my practice:
   I obey your precepts.

I have considered my ways
   and have turned my steps to your statutes.
I will hasten and not delay
   to obey your commands.

You are good, and what you do is good;
   teach me your decrees.

It was good for me to be afflicted
   so that I might learn your decrees.
The law from your mouth is more precious to me
   than thousands of pieces of silver and gold.  (Psalm 119.. various verses)


So He gave me another verse to hold on to.... and I am so thankful for that, because I do not like to be down like I was and wallow in my sorrow, I want to live and bring honor to my Lord, even in the sorrow and the turmoil, I do want to fix my eyes on Him... so that:

May those who fear you rejoice when they see me,
   for I have put my hope in your word.  (Psalm 119 again)

So Him saying to me that I am by His sovereignty in the place that I am to be in, that all I need to do is  live, obey, love and believe right here where I am... that is like lifting me up, putting me back on my feet and giving me a pat on my bum.... encouraging me to keep going...

I needed that.... and He knew that.... as He always does..
So, even though I am still a bit sick, I had a very productive day.. the Highlight being that I finally got a working Vacuum cleaner.... the joys... they are right there, when we live, obey, love and believe...

....defeat??? or restoration???

.. finally attempted to change my address on my driver's license online today... looked through all kinds of drawers and paperwork to find all the documentation needed, stumbled over my divorce papers and decided to file them away with all the other family documents...
looking through birth certificates and immigration papers and such I also found my marriage license and my divorce papers from my first marriage... officially translated and perfectly filed away...
was assaulted once again by the feeling of failure and defeat. married twice, divorced twice... children : two from the first and one from the second marriage...  two broken families...
Growing up, there was one person I definitely didn't want to end up like and that was my aunt... 3 children from 3 different fathers, married and divorced twice... she was the black sheep.. no doubt about it...
tossed away the first marriage convinced there had to be someone else out there so much more compatible... immature and no restrictions from God, wasn't a Christian then and thought I was doing my children a favor  by creating a "peaceful" environment rather than one of constant fighting...
new relationship, different dynamics but even more tension and fights.. saved 2 years into it... married a year and a half later... couldn't just continue to live together like that anymore .....
convicted of the sinfulness of divorce, and committed to love and respect my husband, I fought for almost 14 years to make this marriage work, working through my issues, couples counseling, marriage seminars etc.  Lost.  Lost the battle... was betrayed and abandoned .. today , I am looking at the documentation of my defeat and I am saddened, funny, I was never mad at God for this, I had prayed and sought Him for answers and help in this... to no avail...
received an invitation for a party for the daughter of a friend who is getting married... presents: a favorite recipe and a piece of advice for a happy and healthy marriage.... well, not from me.. can't give any advice on that one.. seeing as my track record is rather bleak.....
realized something else the other day... I am still sad about loosing whatever love there once was... can't get over it.. even tough that happened much longer then just 2 1/2 years ago when the affair that was the catalyst for this break up started...
I might just be very inflexible.... like I said, committed to the bitter end... committed to love no matter what... I might just not be able to ever let that go....
I am broken, I am sad and depressed but I know that He  will repay me for the years the locusts have eaten..  I have been forgiven for my mistakes and sins... He is in the process of restoring me and as He is He is quieting me with His love and delights over me with singing..... Holding fast to these truths
( because that's what they are ) is hard when the assaults and attacks come... when the feelings are still there and have not completely healed... when there is no one to comfort and wipe away the tears... but they still are truths....  God's Word, which is without error since it is inspired by Him, tells me so.....
and today, once again I choose to believe... defeat? no. Restoration in His time? YES!

... Jesus hold me now....

..isn't it funny.. or , really it is not funny at all... this roller coaster ride needs to come to an end... is this what life is all about? okay, so now , is it funny, or maybe not, that one day there can be so much hope and then the next some huge Eeyore cloud can make it's way and cover the sun, and I am finding myself broken, again, at the bottom of the cross crying out to my Saviour...

Jesus, hold me now 

I need to feel You in this place 

To know You’re by my side 

And hear Your voice tonight 

Jesus, hold me now 

I long for Your embrace 

I’m beat and broken down 

I can’t find my way out 

Jesus, hold me now 

I don’t know what else to pray 

Broken at Your feet I lay ,

Jesus, hold me now (Casting Crowns)

This morning in church already I got all emotional, loving Him so much and so aware of my need for Him, so grateful for His love for me.... His commitment... 

Living, He loved me

Dying, He saved me

Buried, He carried my sins far away

Rising, He justified freely forever

One day He’s coming

Oh glorious day, oh glorious day

 (Casting Crowns)

I hate sin, I hate the consequences, I hate to live with the consequences, but I have forgiven, so I will not bring the sin up again, or hold it against anyone, instead I will run to Him with my burdens, new hurts, my fears and my sorrow... and He, who loves me enough to choose to die for me, He is going to hear my cry... He is my Refuge, my Rock, My Fortress,

If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,” 

   and you make the Most High your dwelling, 

 no harm will overtake you, 

   no disaster will come near your tent. 

 For he will command his angels concerning you 

   to guard you in all your ways; 

 they will lift you up in their hands, 

   so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. 

 You will tread on the lion and the cobra; 

   you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

 “Because she loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue her; 

   I will protect her, for she acknowledges my name. 

 She will call on me, and I will answer her; 

   I will be with her in trouble, 

   I will deliver her and honor her. 

 With long life I will satisfy her

   and show her my salvation.”

(Psalm 91:9-16)

Another song from Casting Crowns:

 You are...A Father to the fatherless, redeemer of my soul

My Life is Yours forever, my heart will always know

Your mercy saved me, mercy made me whole

Your mercy found me, called me as Your own

You're greater than my yesterdays, You hold me close today

You're the Lord of my tomorrows, my heart will always say

Your mercy saved me, mercy made me whole

Thank you for your mercy!!!

Praise be to God, for He is faithful!!!!!