......... Celebration.....

... I knew it... I knew it because I know Him... and I am very far from knowing Him well enough... but I know Him anyways.... I know that He is holy, just, righteous... omnipotent and omniscient, He know the beginning from the end.. He is the Beginning and the End... the Alpha and the Omega... In His infinite wisdom He is the one that is in control and I praise Him for that...

So I knew it... I knew that the calling I have been feeling in my heart was from God.... that it was Him who put the compassion and love there.... I knew it I knew it I knew it...... I am soooooooooooooooo excited...

This morning I received an e-mail.... finally... but, hey, I was patient... I was, I also was very busy.... so it was easy to be patient.... anyways... the email basically said that the Elders were very eager to see me move forward with this ministry.... the Pregnancy Care Center..... HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Happiness???? around the corner?????????? JOY... more likely.... a calling, a purpose, a real reason to be here.... helping others in need.... how much better can it get.... Direction.. affirmation ......the potential to love and encourage women in a time of need...to show them the real, genuine love of Christ...

I love Him... I love all the moms, and all the babies.... I love my dear friend who will start this with me.... I can't even deal with the excitement.... this is, like a friend said to me this morning to encourage me... indeed a WONDERFUL day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.....
Praise Him, today and always!!!!!

.. earthly blessings....

..... Last night's post was a little confusing maybe.... emotions pouring out of me how much I love the closeness and fellowship I have grown to cherish so much in the last 16 and half years but especially in the last 18 months... felt afraid of maybe losing this closeness if things would get better .....
Thankfully I am not lost to my own devices when it comes to those kind of questions and after sharing these thoughts with my very wise and loving friend last night.. she in turn thought about it some more and gave me some more insight and wisdom concerning this matter... ( God is so amazing.. He surrounds us with people that are more than capable to extend help and wisdom when we find ourselves stuck and in a fog for some reason or another) She pointed me, like she always does, to scripture... namely our friend Job... the poor guy that was targeted because he was the most righteous man of His time... always walking with God.... Satan wanting to prove a point asked for God's permission to take away everything , saying he would eventually curse God... well, we all know how the story ends... Job, even though going through tremendous suffering never did end up cursing God.... this here is the Happy Ending of the story:


 After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before.  All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver and a gold ring.


  The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys.  And he also had seven sons and three daughters.  The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch.  Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job’s daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.


  After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation.  And so Job died, an old man and full of years.


Before Satan started messing with Job's life he indeed was walking with God, he was a very blessed man and he maintained a close relationship in those  good times... when one thing after the other was taken away he wrestled with the WHY but never walked away from God... in this time he grew closer I am sure....in the end God revealed Himself to Job and then.... voila.... God restored him.... and there it is...the blessing did not corrupt him or make him lose his closeness with God... .....  PHEW..... that's good to know, that's actually really comforting for me... so if there were some more pure "earthly" blessings around the corner... I would just be allowed to enjoy them and don't need to reject them out of fear to lose my close and wonderful relationship with my Lord.... I was kind of buying into a lie from the bad guy.... I definitely do not need to fear.. I am loving Him and if He will bless me with some happiness here I will gladly accept it and praise Him for the fact that He is always there with me, in the good and the bad times... What a wonderful friend I have in JESUS..... Praise and Honor be to Him both now and forever more.......

... loving Him.......

...walking with Him, drinking in His love , acceptance and wisdom... walking closely in intimate fellowship... will I be able to keep the closeness if for some reason the path I am on would happen to lead me out of the valley and up to some higher areas.. restoration and healing... an ongoing process...growing and learning... trusting and hoping... accepting and moving on... taking the eyes off self and fixing them on Him and those He puts around me.. wonderful, really.... but scary as well...
If I don't have to hang on for dear life... will He, the love of my life be as important as He is right now when things are easier?? Or will I start depending on myself or others instead of on Him...
A wonderful and wise friend of mine tonite pointed out that when He grows us and teaches us in the valley times it will not disappear just like this... if we thought that would happen we were totally underestimating who God is.. making Him and His power so much smaller...
Yes, when things are easier we tend to sometimes run off on our own... and maybe, even after walking so closely for the last 18 months that could still happen for a bit... very soon though we would notice and miss the closeness with Him.... when I was saved so long ago, that moment I fell in love with Him and this love for Him has grown over the years... it has become so very, very humongously big... I cannot even fathom it.. overwhelmed in the most wonderful way...He is too important for me to disappoint Him and miss out on my time together with Him... to be in constant communion... like thoughts connected at all times... Him leading me every step of the way...Don't want to lose that... not for any perceived happiness that anything in this world could offer... it's like I feel almost protective over this relationship.... it is so precious to me.... this "dress rehearsal" I am living is not the real thing... the real thing is when I will be with my Saviour in Heaven.. spending eternity with HIM ..... it is wonderful serving Him and walking with Him...... all I am saying is that I want it to stay the way it is... I am thankful for the difficult times He has allowed in my life... what was intended for evil He turned into a relationship with Him that is so very very very much more worth than any happiness in this world....
Love Him from the bottom of my soul and with every fiber of my heart......

...a baby turning 20.....

... November 26.... 20 years ago my little angel was born... I will never forget how she looked... her mouth was heart shaped... never seen anything like this before... she looked like a precious, fragile porcelain doll...I remember lying in bed the night before afraid, wondering if I could love this second child as much as I loved my firstborn... not understanding that the amount of love in a mother's heart is infinite....
..... 9 months later I was at my wits end... a sick baby, too sensitive to even tolerate breast milk... fed only by mare's milk ( horse milk.. and no, she does not go "neigh"... like none of the formula fed babies go "moo") anything ever given to her would get a very strong negative reaction right away.. Mare's milk was the only thing she was fine with.. good for developing her brain and body... not good for gaining any weight... little foals must drink so much of it.. felt like I constantly fed her but she only gained  2 pounds from month 2 to month 9...... constant fear that she wouldn't be able to tolerate the mare's milk, what would happen then.... not a Christian then... or just a traditional one, not born again.. lacking the relationship with the Saviour and subsequently the trust and hope in Him..
One day that August I came to a breaking point... I had felt ready to take my baby and jump off the bridge I walked on every day...Praying I told God that I knew that this baby of mine was a gift from Him and if He wanted to take her back it would be okay with me... surrendering my precious child to someone I didn't really know out of the realization I had no control over anything was a big step in the right direction... it was as if a break through was accomplished that day.. slowly my little baby started gaining weight as we were able to add a few more substantial foods to her diet... Today this wonderful little girl turns 20... she is caring and kind... loyal and trustworthy....funny and sweet... healthy and strong.... a very driven and successful University student.. going on to Law school after finishing her degree .... a blessing to me and everyone around her....
 I am getting all emotional thinking back and seeing God at work in me through her... allowing difficulty to communicate truth, teaching acceptance and trust... even before revealing Himself to me.... what an amazingly caring Father He is..
the last 18 birthdays my Ex husband was part of the Birthday Celebrations
( and we CELEBRATE!!!!) this is the first year for him not to be around for that... he is not even in the country.....
just another "First".... oh, well, I will be fine but I am lifting my children up to the Healer and Comforter... the One who alone can meet all our needs and bring hope and comfort when there doesn't seem to be any...
so tonite we are going to have a wonderful Birthday dinner for her.... My prayer is that she will feel the love we all have for her and that her heart will be filled to overflowing with not only our love but her Father's in Heaven... the One that will never abandon and forsake, walk away or not care.... the One whose love is so full of mercy and grace, it forgives and embraces us no matter what we have done... I pray that she too will know Him that way.... and I know that only in the turmoil we really experience these amazing truths.... Thank You Lord for my daughter and Thank You Lord for loving her even more than I do... which by the way is something I cannot get my head around either... seems impossible  ;)

...make me a mirror, a reflection of you....

.. taking a break with a nice Egg salad Sandwich  and a Coke from the most wonderfully delicious Glen Oven Bakery.. I think I deserve it... my back hurts and I am pretty much done with the heavy lifting... (going to my regular massage a little later on..  :)
I am always thinking and praying when I am alone, thanking God for all the blessings in my life.. so as I was driving back home, with the car full of laundry baskets and other containers.. I was once again blown away... I so do not deserve the way He looks after me... the way He is always there and works things out..
last night I lost it with two of my daughters and as much as I think I am not so wrong in what I am upset about I definitely am so far from where I should be if I want to be a mirror, a reflection of my Lord..
An older song from Natalie Grant kind of goes like this...  ( and you guessed it.. I was listening to it in my car)


I've been silent instead of speaking up
Gave my advice instead of giving love
I have been unfair, faithless and unkind
I have shut my eyes just so I would stay blind
It's not what I meant to do
'Cause I wanna honor you

Make me over, make me new
Make me a mirror, a reflection of you
Take me all apart
Take me to your heart and pull me closer
Oh, Jesus, make me over

Take away the pride that whispers in the dark
Take the stone out of the middle of my heart
Hidden underneath my insecurities
Is the servant that you've destined me to be
But day after precious day
I get in my own way....

Make me over....

and on it goes.... it makes me cry, even as I am reading this again... I broke down right there while driving through the only little tunnel we have here ( no worries, I am woman, capable of multitasking... driving and breaking down crying all at once)... and I asked Him to take me all apart and have His way with me......

was thinking again about why He would even care... what He sees in me like I said in my last blog... I am such a disappointment to Him over and over again... you know, when He convicts me of my sin other than being totally broken-hearted I am also feeling tremendously loved.... What is it, He sees in me....and the fact is... it has nothing to do with me, and it has all to do with Him, nothing to do with who I am, but who He is...the dimension of this love is too lofty for me to even try to understand... but like I said earlier... I am blessed to an extent that leaves me in awe and so full of Thanksgiving, praise and worship just bursts out of me, like there is no tomorrow...
He LOVES me..... how can I not once again pledge my allegiance to Him.. my dearest Abba Father, my King and Redeemer..

....American Thanksgiving...

.. the night before American Thanksgiving...2 days before my daughters 20th Birthday... 2 days before the Michael W Smith and Nashville Choir Christmas Concert in Brentwood, Tennessee.... ( I did get tickets for that and gave them to my friend in Franklin,TN.... I got them in a moment of delirious illusion of me being Superwoman.... some very disrespectful people might say it has to do with me being obsessed with MWS and "chasing" him all over the continent....the nerve...)

a week since getting possession of my little home... it's slowly getting together... just needs a few more runs to the old house to get the rest of the stuff still hiding in a few closets and cupboards... should all be done by tomorrow I think....

So American Thanksgiving is starting off a string of days from now to January 1st that held special meaning in my life with the man who walked away from a life together...
American Thanksgiving has always been the weekend we would go to NYC for a trade show... I do have a deep connection with NY... I really am fascinated with this city...

...talking with a a guy today, a friend from church about us girls making this our home now... and how heart breaking he thinks all of this is....

on the other hand.. like I said, the floor is done, things unpacked...it will be so cozy and nice once the pictures are up... some Christmas deco already out.... simple and beautiful.... so much more me ..... saw the baby on Monday ... 10 days old... I do love  little babies... met with another girl today, the boyfriend came along and it is so wonderful to see their excitement about this little life growing inside her..

listened to ... what a surprise....MWS songs today while driving home.... Help is on the way....He is never going to leave me or forsake me... that was true yesterday, today and tomorrow.. it helped me through the time of deepest pain and hurt, when moving on and being okay was not  something I thought would ever be possible... it is true today when I have moved on and I am feeling much stronger for having gone through this... I still wouldn't choose it but I am more sure of who I am in Christ and who He is to me...I have never been that confident and balanced and at ease... my bestest friend said to me the other day that shouldn't surprise me... He grows us in those times.... and He has...

it is true for today even when things are sometimes complicated and troublesome.... just life in general... like He said..in this world you will have trouble but I have overcome the world... so conflict and trouble  are inevitable but He will never leave us or and forsake us.. and walking with Him when you have to hang on for dear life tends to strengthen the relationship, that's for sure..... read something Rick Warren tweeted today: God answers your pain not with a principle but with a Person, not with a word but the Word, not with a reason but a relationship..... he ( Rick Warren) must have gone through some big stuff himself because he for sure is getting it... that's exactly what He does for us...

He will be there for us in the future as well... knowing that allows us to live to the fullest without holding anything back... following Him with expectation and trust... because no matter if things will be nice and wonderful or hard and painful... my best buddy, the lover of my soul is always right beside me... I will never get my head around what He sees in me... in the meantime I am enjoying His love and commitment...

... overwhelmed and frazzled?????

...it's been a while, and that is unheard of in my very young but passionate love affair with blogging...

I have been thinking about this... it must be my age, I am just not that young anymore.. yes, that is true... I just don't seem to be able to be doing everything all at once and then some.. I think I was able to do that before... maybe I am fooling myself...

..anyways, between being a mother, working part time, buying a house, moving, attending aDivorce Support group with a friend, getting prepared to , God willing open my own Pregnancy Center, taking my youngest to Team Canada rehearsals and getting ready to go to Poland for the World Championships of Dance.... somehow I am feeling a little bit overwhelmed.... just a tiny bit.. throw in the broken in  car window, car trouble, Mentoring groups and such and really... it's all a wonderful blast... it is....

My new house will be a HOME for us very soon, such a blessing, I am in love with this humble abode that is going to be the cozy shelter for my girls and me.... can't wait to be unpacked far enough to start putting the Christmas decorations out....... :)

Have been reminded this morning, when a bit down ( my puppies are taking turns either throwing up or pooing all over the place.... all too much for them I guess ) because I hadn't gotten a lot of sleep and woke up to a bigger clean up after the dog session.... - was reminded that I am BLESSED and that this is a new morning, a new day, full of mercy, grace and love, right there waiting for me... paid for with a horrendous price just for me and whoever will believe they need this gift.....

...I went to a shelter to deliver a baby bassinet a tremendously generous, wonderful friend had donated for one of the girls I am seeing... walking in there was quite the reality check for me.. I spend the hour driving home thanking God that He has blessed us and kept us safe all along... we have never had to find shelter in such a place  (and it is amazing they are there)... we just moved like I said and we are making this place a home where we can all come and find peace and rest.....

so I am.....overwhelmed, a bit.... frazzled, yes...... even frustrated at times, yes....
ULTIMATELY extremely thankful??? For sure!!!!!!!..  driving home again today , praying and worshipping my Lord, my Saviour and the Lover of my soul...I realized, this is another phase in my life in which He is teaching me something new... I am finding myself feeling all these negative feelings at some point in time and but then I get to step back.. look at it and make a decision... how cool is this... is this what self control looks like?? It's not perfection, meaning that there is no more frustration or difficulty and negative feelings,  but rather getting  a chance to  make a choice that honors the One who came to give us life, and life abundantly.... I am impressed at what He is doing in this small little stubborn heart of mine ( considering I am fighting Him all the way..) ... He really is changing me.... that's amazing and another reason to be thankful... back to work I go... with a heart full of Thankfulness and Awe... My God is an awesome God.. He really is....

.... sometimes the sun stays hidden....

.. today was somehow a downer... can't complain have been riding high for quite some time... there had to be a sucky day in there at some point in time..

This morning already... I was realizing how there was one specific someone trying to bring me down... insecurities... creeping up ... complications and a lack of excitement throughout the day... the overall stress making me feel overwhelmed, probably not helping... moments in certain conversations with significant people in my life that made me feel sad and frustrated...as always, no dull second... running from one place to the next.. packing up more boxes and then... as a perfect end to the day... clashing with my daughter... great... I hate the consequences of this family's break up...suffering is just a fact of our lives...

Every moment that caused grief in this day was tugging on my faith and my trust in God .... the lies whispered in my ear.... they don't really like you or care about you...it's all too complicated and will not work out anyways...I can never get this all done ... and the angry arrows of a hurt child... aimed right at my heart... moments that needed me making a choice, over and over again....

Surprised ..... really surprised... choosing to stand on the promises and not follow the lies and their path leading to destruction... not that hard after all...  for some reason, this morning I was listening to the song that was my companion for many months when going through the pain and hurt of the divorce... "Held" by Natalie Grant... this one never fails to put things in perspective.. realizing now, at the end of the day that someone who cares about me very much ( God...) had me listening to this before I was even encountering some of the downers...

So , at the end of this day... a regular day... really... I am choosing to focus on the good... really on the One that invented Goodness and Love... Comfort, Hope and Perseverance... I am choosing to be thankful.. thankful that there was another little baby born a few days ago, someone very caring and generous gave me a trunk full of baby items that will bless my young girl so much...... thankful that after a bad fight....love once again won the battle... rejoicing in the possibilities... with Him, all things are possible...

He is walking with me and I am thankful that I could turn my head while walking and I was able to look into the most beautiful eyes there are, the loving eyes of my Saviour... He would have picked me up but it turned out it wasn't necessary.. His presence was enough to make me trust Him more than the lies a certain someone wants to make me believe...because He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world... ha....thank you Lord!!!

... 19 baptized at GAC.....

.... big moments in time.. good and bad, we never forget where we were when it happened... good big moments are awesome to experience...it elevates everything... makes u feel that you are part of something that is not just a fleeting moment and forgotten the next second.. a bit of a glimpse into what eternity is like...

So yesterday at church.. yesterday was such a moment... what a privilege... the excitement was in the air.. it was so thick you could feel it... have a pentecostal friend who once said to me you could feel the spirit it was so thick ... well, that's what it was for sure...

Heaven rejoiced... there was a HUGE PARTY... as they talk to the little kids in Sunday School about making Jesus smile... He was beaming as He was hanging out at my church yesterday..

My pastor, the willing and obedient vessel for the Lord that He is, by God's grace... preaching through
1 Peter right now, last week challenged everyone to take the first step in obedience one has to take as a follower of Christ... get baptized to profess their faith and allegiance to the Lord...

19 people responded.... we are not a small church, and we have had  Sundays where maybe 5 people would be baptized on the same morning.... but 19.............. testimonies so amazing... age ranged from
(I am guessing ) 19 - 82 ( not guessing about the 82!!!!)  testimonies from dramatic to just no longer able to resist the voice of Jesus telling her to get baptized... HE ROCKS.... the Rock....

 So being there yesterday was unbelievingly amazing... encouraging... the world is won over, one  person at a time.. believing and stepping out in faith... proclaiming Christ as their Saviour... shouting it out loud and not holding anything back...

To be part of this moment... HEAVENLY............ it is such a privilege to serve the King of Kings, Lord of Lords...to be part of His Kingdom to join in the celebration.....  (nothing wrong with being a Jesus Junkie... that's what I am I think... cool, eh????)

... do you still feel the nails???????

... this morning I have been listening to a song I used to listen to all the time in my car and cry and cry... and wouldn't you know it... cried again... I guess I am predictable this way....
.. the truth is, this song speaks about what my Saviour went through when dying on the cross.... causing Him pain like this, continues to break my heart... don't get me wrong, this isn't about me having to feel guilty... this is not why I am crying.. He chose because of His great love for me and you to go through this suffering... that's what makes me cry....because this kind of love is too much to handle.
the song challenges us to wonder if we continue to hurt Him, is He still feeling the nails every time we fail , sin....
now theologically speaking I am not even sure we should look at it this way... He paid for our sins once and for all... then, when he went through this agony...
what it does for me is it breaks my heart that my wrong choices would hurt Him, and that the wrong choices I might be making today were the reason He even had to go through the pain... my love for  Him makes me sad beyond anything I could ever imagine that He might be hurt because of me... that He was hurt because of me... because of my stubbornness, my rebellion, my impatience, my desires...and, that even though I have met Him personally that first Sunday in June 1996, understood what He did for me in my heart for the first time then... that I could still stumble and continue to  hurt Him.. my most precious Saviour... who is there for me ALWAYS.. who walks with me when no one else will, who catches me when I fall, who tenderly holds me in His embrace, His eyes communicating love on a level I cannot even comprehend.... what could ever be worth it.... the answer is NOTHING... oh to live with Him, to walk with Him to consider Him more worthy then anything else in this world... constantly... without being distracted and led astray... He deserves my allegiance, love and devotion... He, who I love and adore, who I worship and praise... May my life on this earth bring Him glory, honor and praise both now and forever more...
 I love you Lord...

... the curve balls of life....

... okay, we know we are here to become more and more like Christ and to represent Him well, push back the gates of hell by His grace and strength and bring glory to Him... this is an established fact...

We can walk along in our life, trying really hard, focusing on Him, drawing closer and seeking Him... getting to know Him more and more, more successful at times than  other times.. all along trying to figure this out... being blessed as we are... getting used to the areas we are struggling with, in His grace getting a handle on it , one breath at a time, one little baby step at a time....


And then... life throws us a curveball... and all of a sudden we are finding ourselves in different circumstances and confronted with areas we never thought we would ever struggle with...

I am sure that happens to all of us at one point in our lives...this could be a bit of a problem, it could throw us off, make us feel as if we are not as closely connected to Him as we thought.. we could start doubting, we could start beating ourselves up... we could become discouraged and because of that be even more unsettled and loose the grip on walking  with Him...

 when confronted with new challenges in regards to walking with Him closely we need to trust that He who started a good work in us will bring it to completion, He is not surprised at the curveball or the new challenges...He allowed it to prove to us that our faith is indeed genuine and will result in praise , glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed....so, rather than beating ourselves up and feeling guilty if this is not as easy as we think it should be, we need to again draw closer, repent and keep on keeping on, relying 100% on Him who has given us everything for leading a godly life when he gave us the faith to believe...

Circumstances change, challenges will always be there.... the only constant is the Author and Perfecter of our faith... the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords....to Him be all glory forever AMEN

... Love overflowing....

... wondering this morning... if there is anyone out there who knows this feeling...
I never knew it before I was saved, before God had my heart grow ears and and I could hear Him calling my name... before the blinders were taken off and I could see.... the truth... of who He is, who I am, and what life is all about..

I remember lying in bed at night as a child trying  to figure out what  life was really... were my dreams my reality and what I thought was reality really my dreams... could there be more to life than going to school and working and then eventually dying?...

Anyways, thankfully He in His great mercy gave me all the answers... and wow, I had only been trying to figure it out for 30 years....  ;)

My questions though is... is there anyone out there that just has no idea how to contain the love they feel for the Lord and His people... I am finding myself at times in a position where the love I feel is just too overwhelming to even be able to express it...

Sharing with my group at RENEW yesterday if Jesus shows up in my life...shows up?????? On occasion ??????????? Are you kidding me?????? He is there ALL THE TIME!!!!! And my love for Him cannot be contained in my soul, body or heart... it breaks forth and needs to find an outlet... it flows over to the people I come in contact with all the time... the supply is unending... I am so thankful for that..
And then there are His people... love so pure and so immense... or should I say intense... I guess that's what allows you to put others first and yourself last... to be there for them no matter how you are... not worrying about getting your needs fulfilled... so, I am wondering... am I just a little crazy... or are you like that??? Love the family of God and love everyone...  I love the 3 girls I meet with at the Center... I truly do.... I am so blessed..... oh the goodness and tenderness of our Father in Heaven... who would have thought the journey with Him would be that full, that mind blowing... that wonderful... turmoil included.... :)

... shortsighted and blind????? :O

 A new morning... and His mercies are new... His promises still are just that, promises giving by the Divine Promise Keeper... no need to struggle in our faith but reason enough to hold on and stand on  them... the promises... fix our eyes on the One who so willingly gave His life, who suffered greatly and loved even more...

Rely on Him and what He has done and get up and follow in His footsteps... because .. if His love does not propel you forward, His Word also contains some dire warnings...

But those who fail to develop in this way are shortsighted or blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their old sins.

 So, dear brothers and sisters, work hard to prove that you really are among those God has called and chosen. Do these things, and you will never fall away.  Then God will give you a grand entrance into the eternal Kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

( 2 Peter 1:9-11)

When reading scriptures like this I know that His grace is still that... grace, that catches us when we fail to work hard on this for a while... understanding and mercy and compassion... but we NEED to accept the forgiveness and grace ... and then get up again, in His strength and move forward... so whatever keeps you stuck this morning... let Him lift you up, allow His love and grace to permeate you, fill you and give you the courage to make the first step towards knowing Him more... and the "proving" is taken care of... 

I am imagining the "Grand Entrance into the Eternal Kingdom"..... He blows me away... there will be a party... cookies and cream cupcake towers... beautiful music and LOVE so tangible, if there were tears in heaven there would be that never ending stream of them flowing down my face... as my soul for the first time will fully comprehend His divine LOVE for me.... Joy that will never end... bliss for eternity.... so today, as I am again filled by Him.. His Word, His power and love... I am asking Him to allow me to be useful for Him...LOVE Him like crazy....

... divine employment.....

.... dizziness .... perhaps left over from the head cold... or maybe a permanent state of mind because of all that's going on in my life... CRAZY... closing in a week, moving in 9 days....Poland in 3 and a half weeks... Birthdays throughout and then CHRISTMAS!!!! somewhere in between there I am going to get a new car too... wild and crazy...

Drove through town, the other night, and someone had their Christmas lights lit already... they were beautifully colorful... and there it dawned on me... I can now pick exactly the lights I like.... I also ordered Scripture Stencil Stickers for the walls.... bought an electric fireplace and arranged for new flooring to be put down in two bedrooms before we move in...

Work in Cambridge is still the Highlight of my weekly schedule... did my first pregnancy test today...I am so blessed to have the opportunity to get so well prepared for the Center we will be opening here, God willing...

Very blessed by the passage in JOG this week... 2 Peter chapter 1.....so much in there... never a dull moment  in His Word...


By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires.
  In view of all this, make every effort to respond to God’s promises. Supplement your faith with a generous provision of moral excellence, and moral excellence with knowledge,  and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with patient endurance, and patient endurance with godliness,  and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love for everyone.

 The more you grow like this, the more productive and useful you will be in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Meditating on this and all that has been going on in the last year and half I do rejoice that all I need for godliness was given to me when Jesus claimed me as His own, and as He is refining me through all kinds of trials I am able to love better, have more patience, have more self control, know Him more and ultimately can be more productive and useful for Him....

The Pregnancy Center  comes to mind, and all the ministries I have been allowed to serve in over the years... and I am once again assured... this is what it is all about... We are saved for our own benefit, to start our eternal life in fellowship with the Father... but this is not the only reason... we are to be representatives that are productive and useful for furthering His Kingdom... He gives us all we need and as we draw nearer and nearer to Him through His word we are becoming more and more the willing vessel for His Goodness, Love and Grace to flow through to others..... no longer hindered by our own impurities and selfish hang ups, all burned away by the fiery trials He allowed...
So I thank Him today, I thank Him for leading me through the valleys... for faithfully refining me... for allowing me to be stripped of all that was not from Him, all that has been standing in the way.... I thank Him for giving me a passion to serve Him and the many opportunities He puts into my path... truth is, He is the best "employer " one could ever wish for.... I am so glad He " hired" me, considering my credentials were  total depravity and a wicked and deceitful heart.....

..who is on the throne of your heart????

..... who is on the throne of your heart... who is the Lord of your life??? who calls the shots... who do you trust... and obey????????
we all have someone on the throne, even though we might not be aware of it... it's worth examining this because it has quite an impact on the life we are leading..
it could be Jesus... it could be you yourself...

the Turmoil in our lives definitely highlights those questions... when you find yourself stripped of any earthly security and the allure of what we might think life can give us.... when the "rug" of security,  stability and pleasure  has been violently ripped from under your feet.... when nothing distracts you any more from the deep and solely important questions...

when in your insurmountable sorrow and deafening pain you are reduced to your naked soul desperately seeking HELP, HEALING and HOPE... you are made aware that these really are the important questions... not,  the "do people like you", "are your kids turning out well", "where are you going to go for your next vacation" "will you retire on a houseboat" or "will you put the sticker family on the back of your car or not"....

so it is rather... who is on the throne of my heart? ......what does it mean other than that I agree to follow His lead, give over all areas of my life, trust Him with everything that is dear to me, what does it mean... how is this making a  difference??

if it is me on the throne, I am just going to go for whatever I feel I need, perceive my right to be.. no consideration for others and their needs... rules and regulation would change according to how they affect the desired outcome for me... the worst part of it though would be that the other aspect of having a king, the protection and care we find, would not really work that well.....

as a believer, I have not only been saved by Jesus from the ultimate punishment for my sins... I am now called to be a follower and accept His Lordship over my life... When I understand fully what He has done and continues to do for me how can I not also bow my knee to him and cheerfully obey Him??? I really get the best of both worlds... His gift of salvation, the joy and blessing of obeying Him AND His protection... because as my King, He will always keep me safe... for some reason, this has become very important to me..

So, WHO is on the throne of your life??????? I know for me, it's my Jesus, Lord of Lords and King of Kings... and u know, He also is a very merciful King....that's why my love and gratitude keeps flowing, an unending stream... because His love is just that... infinite......

... coming home....

Have you ever come home, have come inside from the cold, hostile, dark and stormy night... out there you felt scared, alone, cold and helpless... then you opened the heavy wooden door... and right then you entered into the warmth, the light and the smiles of your family were welcoming you into the fold of their protection... the love in your Father's eyes meeting your eyes and warming your heart... security, acceptance and LOVE better than anything ever imagined.... Warmth enveloping you like a nice and fluffy super soft blanket... Oh, and let's not forget... a fire going in the fireplace.... 


Last night, when meeting with the Elders all of a sudden my computer would not turn on. My carefully prepared Power Point.... not available... a last minute attempt of the evil one to thwart God's plans and frazzle me to an extend that I would not be able to present well what I think is His calling on my life... 
( some might say that my Macbook just had a bad moment.... and then again, only those without a Macbook could ever even imagine that.... I have NOT have had any trouble with my computer and I do not have any trouble now....)


Long story short.. there I was, in a room with a huge amount of men... could have been intimidating... but it wasn't... I tried as good as I could to make my presentation from memory ( and that is me... remember the purse...yeah...) I think I covered the material well enough and asked them to please pray to find out if this is really from God and not just my idea...


The response I got was encouraging and now these godly men will pray and seek God earnestly in their capacity as the leaders of the church, the church which is my home... my family... they are the head of that family and when they responded to me and prayed for me I felt loved and secure...


Leaving I was overwhelmed by an emotion of thankfulness and love... it was Worship Team Practice night and I snuck into the sanctuary to praise Him for showing me His love and care in such a tangible way.... the picture of the fireplace and the cozy and safe home... you guessed it... that's how I felt last night.... Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.. in His great mercy He has made me His own.. and He will ALWAYS take care of me... both now and forever more..... 

... Confirmation Wanted....

... today , tonite actually is the big night...the excitement is rising... thanks to very faithful friends I am not at all feeling insecure about presenting my life's dream before a whole room full of honorable, godly men.
Weird, not at all my natural inclination, so all by God's grace and in His strength... Cool, that's the way it should be. Relying on Him fully.

The last few days have been rather adventurous.. and this is a nice word... I could say tumultuous ... or I could use other words I would not use... you get the picture... many things went wrong... not horribly wrong but still causing upheaval and extra stress, unnecessary and just ughhhhhhhh....

It started on the weekend with this stupid cold and cough... and then the window ... got that fixed,.. finalizing the move, the mortgage, the presentation for tonite..taking care of everything and still being sick.. drove to Cambridge Wednesday morning, parked my car in the front... new window.., didn't want to run the risk of it being smashed in again.. :(

my little one at "take your kid to work" day... calling me sobbing.... throwing me off, on my way to pick her up I realized I left my purse at the Center... thats 60 km away from home... thankfully someone I know who works in Cambridge and lives half way my way was kind enough to meet me with my purse... drove there in a fog, feeling like I was going to faint, went to see a friend on the way home and.... left my purse there AGAIN....

not sure what that means... my head is spinning with too much going on, information overload and a sinus infection..... I should not carry a purse... or, someone was trying to throw me off enough to be too frazzled to do what I believe God is calling me to do...

which is to respectfully present to the Elders of my church the passion God has placed in my heart and ask them for direction and confirmation...

It's all good, my purse is safely with me at the moment, the presentation prepared, movers scheduled, services moved to the new house, paper work signed and moneys transferred... children comforted, floors vacuumed, laundry folded, dogs taken outside and fed, teenage mothers encouraged, friends prayed for..... all is good...  and all is well with my soul.....

Reading in 1 Peter 5 this past week... verse 8 to 11:


Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.  To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

I think that was what was happening... he was prowling... he got me frazzled, he got me exhausted, he got me foggy and dizzy.... but in the end, he cannot stop God's good and perfect will from being accomplished... because we also know this:
... the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. ( 1 John 4:4 )

So I am saying... bring it on, you can't stop me because I am a child of the King of Kings.... and He is sovereign over all creation.... may His will be done tonite as the Elders, called by Him, will discern if I have been hearing from God and if the timing is right... Whatever the outcome will be, to God be the glory forever, Amen

... comfort overflowing....

... reading and meditating on 1 Peter over the last month and a half has been a wonderful thing... definitely timely for me, with all the suffering as a theme...Great to get a better perspective on this..


Sharing in the sufferings of Christ is a privilege, bringing us closer to Him who never complained or tried to get out of the suffering. He chose to do this because He was focusing on the joy laid before Him...which was to reconcile us to the Father..


And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. ( 1 Peter 5:10)

.. in the same passage we read this:
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

He does, He really does.... tonite, my girls and a friend of theirs were all going out for another family outing that included everyone but me... seems to be happening a lot lately... so tonite could potentially have been another night marked by waves of sadness... but because He cares the opposite was the case actually...
my mother and sister dropped by for a quick visit, to see how I was doing... that was very kind of them... next, my "Hero to the Rescue" came and fixed my window, Hallelujah... it was -3 Degree Celsius this morning...I do no longer feel unsafe and exposed.... then a new friend came over and we had a great time of sharing and watched a movie after I burned the first bag of Popcorn... ;)
the gas fireplace was brought to life and with the 2 white fluff balls curled up all night this could not have been a nicer evening.

I am fully aware that all good things come from God in Heaven... who does care...

For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. (2 Cor 1:5 )

Now this is the truth:
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. ( Romans 5 :1-5)


Because I know He is the one that orchestrates our lives down to the tiniest detail I thank Him and Praise Him that the comfort overflows... not just the suffering..

.... safe and secure???

....I had a nice evening last night.... great conversation...really nice... this morning when waking up cough was worse, congestion was worse... but nothing is holding back "Superwoman"... hahaha... no seriously, I try to live up to the commitments I make... so I got my girlies and myself going...  was on my way to Cambridge by 8....
My first client didn't show up... called the second one, she wasn't going to come either.. too uncomfortable and sick as well, wow, this looked like a sad day right there... thankfully the one that was scheduled for 10 walked in at 11:15... she and her mother had been moved to another shelter and it took them quite some time to get to the Center... I really have  connected with her so I was very happy she made the effort to come...
When the time came to get going I went to my car, parked behind the center, as always.... I opened the door and saw glass shards on my seat... didn't quite get it... looked around.. and there it was... the passenger window had been smashed in, the glove box was open and all kinds of stuff was lying on the floor.... my car had been broken into.. I couldn't believe it....
Stunned as I was I went back into the center and called 911...
After finding out that there was nothing the police was going to do I left to get the window taped up a bit at least... I did have to drive 60 km to get home.. wow...
Now thankfully for some reason I had taken my ipod and my purse with me that morning... I have been known to leave all kinds of things in my car... that will not happen again...
Anyways, other than a few CDs nothing was stolen from my car....a new window will be put in tomorrow already ( thanks to a wonderful brother in Christ...) it was a little cold on my way home and my cough seems to have gotten a bit worse...oh well.....
This incident made me feel violated I have to admit... I know that this was a random thing and has nothing to do with me... but still...I also felt quite alone,  in a situation like this the need a woman has for SECURITY is shaken up big time... especially when there is no more husband... no one anymore to take this over for you, hold you and whisper in your ear that all will be well..... Needed the help of a friend to pick up my youngest from school, I couldn't make it... had to take back roads and go slower than usual...thank the Lord for the support I have...
Drove home like in a fog... fighting tears a few times ... prayed and let Him know how I was feeling... and the truth is...this is no big deal, no one got hurt, the car will be fixed, nothing that was very important was taken... I guess this was just one more little speed bump... a reminder that there is trouble in this world.. but that as much as on a certain level I am alone... I am not... He has surrounded me with great friends that are willing to help me with whatever I need.... to bring the day to a perfect end a dear friend just dropped off some soup and freshly baked muffins... Christ above me, Christ beside me, Christ within me ever guiding, Christ behind me, Christ before...Christ my love, my life, my all.....

With Him all present, ministering to us through His people... and within us through the Spirit... what can man do to us... after all, God is for us....