so I thought a lot about death, and dying, and of what life was all about... my parents not coming home when they should have, I saw the accident, like I said, vivid imagination, blood everywhere, my mother and father dead....
I remember thinking a lot about my death as well... believing I was a Christian and going to heaven was a comfort, my Grandma was there, so I would see her again, that made me happy... but the trouble I had most about dying was that life would go on without me...
... when thinking about it even as a child I realized that this was a good thing, it needed to be like that... and still, it was the one thing that bothered me...
spending time with a beloved sister in Christ, who can relate to me now, and I would so much rather not have anyone being able to relate to the troubles of having been cheated on and abandoned.... but she can now... we ended up talking one time about the fact that life keeps going on... again, that is necessary and good.... but it still hurts, because, for us it seems, it has come to a screeching halt.... the perpetrators move on, they are the ones making the choices, and in my case are building this seemingly perfect life for themselves... friends, as caring as they are, their lives go on as well..... almost a year and half later, pretty much everyone ( but a few really close ones) must be more than TIRED of hearing about my issues, I hate being the complainer, I do not want to grab the attention all the time....... come on, I SHOULD be over this by now.......
but what was intended to make "life less complicated" for the one making the choices, led to making life a whole lot more complicated for us... left on the outside counting my losses, trying to live up to all the responsibilities now on my plate, occupying all my time and using up all my energy... working on a new life??? yup, nothing left to do that.....
some pathetic little attempts of having a few happy moments, planned a long time ago, days counted down for quite some time... and circumstances happen, and with me being the "sole soul care giver "
I happily gave that up, I knew it was the right thing.... looking at some pictures of last night in Nashville a new found wonderful Christian sister posted late at night for me....I feel once again, that life goes on without me..... as it should.... but it hurts...
this new friend who promised to document the weekend for me, said something really meaningful and nice to me: " Know that the opportunities are a lot greater for you this weekend.. take a lot of pictures :) "
that's wisdom... that is one sister in Christ speaking truth to another.... so I shall, I need to... I love to....
we are having a CT scan sometime next week for my daughter, the school has been more than understanding... so that takes a lot of stress off her... I am thankful for that... this weekend will be very busy with rehearsals and recitals for the little kids she assists... I shall try and find some photo opportunities, a passion I used to have, that somehow got lost in the rubble of the train wreck... oh well...
enough of all this..
I am thankful for what Jesus did for me on the cross, that He walks with me every step of the way,that He keeps His promises and that He promised to turn into something good what other's have meant for evil, I am thankful for my daughters, my mother, and that she is still with us, my siblings, my friends, my pastor, my church, my ministry, my doggies, my car, my house, my new BBQ ( thanks to the Ex-husband), my flowers in my pots on my patio, sunshine this last week....... and that it is only 400 days... really a piece of cake... until the next High light in my life, the Michael W Smith and Friends Cruise 2012!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
