it's just another Friday, have been sick for a week and am just felling a little better today..
was able to do the things on my calendar for the day, happy to return to life somewhat..
on any given day there are many moments my mother comes to my mind.
sometimes, when I can, I choose to watch the slideshow I made of pictures of her with my girls and I throughout the years..
every time I do this, even though it has now been almost 3 years since she passed away I still cry.. not for too long but the fact that I can see her on my screen but I can't touch her just gives my heart this painful jolt..
( this is the link to the slideshow on youtube : https://youtu.be/en-hLpV7oJM )
thinking that I need to focus on the fact that I will one day see her again and that she is perfectly and eternally happy like she never was on earth I figured something out....
the love of a mother for her child and of a child for her mother is huge. or at least it was between my mother and I,
but to say that we were always perfectly happy with each other, never had any issues or fights would be a lie.
my mother was a passionately loving and caring person and she was funny, smart and so cute.
she also was feisty and knew what she wanted, a sinner who had her own plans and her own agenda, who had her own hurts and trials, and she dealt with them as well as she could.
so, yes, as she got older and more and more bitter and negative, being around her was not always that easy.
in dealing with her own issues she became more and more manipulative and controlling and like we all do, got angry and even mean when someone or something got in her way.
so sometimes she hurt me.sometimes I hurt her.
every time I was full of hope that things would be better next time.
I am sure she was too
I had expectations and so did she.
I got disappointed and so did she.
and then she died.
death is as painful as it is and as hard to get your heart and mind around because it is so final.
at least here. in this place.
no more hope. no more chance to get something right.
no more expectations that could be met rather than lead to disappointment.
not being there to hold her in her last hours on earth is what is the hardest for me to handle, still today...
as I was again feeling the pain of having lost my mother who I love so very much, I had this thought:
there are no unrealistic expectations in heaven.
there is no disappointment in heaven.
there is nothing to long for or regret or to be sad about in heaven.
how amazing is that ?????
and as much as the years ( and I do hope I get many more to be a Mama to my children and an Oma to my future grandchildren ) of waiting to see her again will be hard, tearful at times, I will make it through... and the reunion will be PERFECT.
no more sin. no more tears just unhindered joy, forever.
my prayers for my mother to come to know my Lord Jesus were answered by Him when reading to her a sermon by the Oncologist my father had been connected to and insisted we should go and see, two years into her cancer journey...who would have thought that a 75 year old cancer survivor / oncologist from Switzerland preaching at his church would be speaking the words that finally made my Mama see her need for a Saviour and His free gift of salvation for her...... how amazing is GOD, I am still marveling at His miraculous ways...
to worship Him together eternally is the very best ending to the story of my mother and I.
I am BLESSED!
