...make me a mirror, a reflection of you....

.. taking a break with a nice Egg salad Sandwich  and a Coke from the most wonderfully delicious Glen Oven Bakery.. I think I deserve it... my back hurts and I am pretty much done with the heavy lifting... (going to my regular massage a little later on..  :)
I am always thinking and praying when I am alone, thanking God for all the blessings in my life.. so as I was driving back home, with the car full of laundry baskets and other containers.. I was once again blown away... I so do not deserve the way He looks after me... the way He is always there and works things out..
last night I lost it with two of my daughters and as much as I think I am not so wrong in what I am upset about I definitely am so far from where I should be if I want to be a mirror, a reflection of my Lord..
An older song from Natalie Grant kind of goes like this...  ( and you guessed it.. I was listening to it in my car)


I've been silent instead of speaking up
Gave my advice instead of giving love
I have been unfair, faithless and unkind
I have shut my eyes just so I would stay blind
It's not what I meant to do
'Cause I wanna honor you

Make me over, make me new
Make me a mirror, a reflection of you
Take me all apart
Take me to your heart and pull me closer
Oh, Jesus, make me over

Take away the pride that whispers in the dark
Take the stone out of the middle of my heart
Hidden underneath my insecurities
Is the servant that you've destined me to be
But day after precious day
I get in my own way....

Make me over....

and on it goes.... it makes me cry, even as I am reading this again... I broke down right there while driving through the only little tunnel we have here ( no worries, I am woman, capable of multitasking... driving and breaking down crying all at once)... and I asked Him to take me all apart and have His way with me......

was thinking again about why He would even care... what He sees in me like I said in my last blog... I am such a disappointment to Him over and over again... you know, when He convicts me of my sin other than being totally broken-hearted I am also feeling tremendously loved.... What is it, He sees in me....and the fact is... it has nothing to do with me, and it has all to do with Him, nothing to do with who I am, but who He is...the dimension of this love is too lofty for me to even try to understand... but like I said earlier... I am blessed to an extent that leaves me in awe and so full of Thanksgiving, praise and worship just bursts out of me, like there is no tomorrow...
He LOVES me..... how can I not once again pledge my allegiance to Him.. my dearest Abba Father, my King and Redeemer..

....American Thanksgiving...

.. the night before American Thanksgiving...2 days before my daughters 20th Birthday... 2 days before the Michael W Smith and Nashville Choir Christmas Concert in Brentwood, Tennessee.... ( I did get tickets for that and gave them to my friend in Franklin,TN.... I got them in a moment of delirious illusion of me being Superwoman.... some very disrespectful people might say it has to do with me being obsessed with MWS and "chasing" him all over the continent....the nerve...)

a week since getting possession of my little home... it's slowly getting together... just needs a few more runs to the old house to get the rest of the stuff still hiding in a few closets and cupboards... should all be done by tomorrow I think....

So American Thanksgiving is starting off a string of days from now to January 1st that held special meaning in my life with the man who walked away from a life together...
American Thanksgiving has always been the weekend we would go to NYC for a trade show... I do have a deep connection with NY... I really am fascinated with this city...

...talking with a a guy today, a friend from church about us girls making this our home now... and how heart breaking he thinks all of this is....

on the other hand.. like I said, the floor is done, things unpacked...it will be so cozy and nice once the pictures are up... some Christmas deco already out.... simple and beautiful.... so much more me ..... saw the baby on Monday ... 10 days old... I do love  little babies... met with another girl today, the boyfriend came along and it is so wonderful to see their excitement about this little life growing inside her..

listened to ... what a surprise....MWS songs today while driving home.... Help is on the way....He is never going to leave me or forsake me... that was true yesterday, today and tomorrow.. it helped me through the time of deepest pain and hurt, when moving on and being okay was not  something I thought would ever be possible... it is true today when I have moved on and I am feeling much stronger for having gone through this... I still wouldn't choose it but I am more sure of who I am in Christ and who He is to me...I have never been that confident and balanced and at ease... my bestest friend said to me the other day that shouldn't surprise me... He grows us in those times.... and He has...

it is true for today even when things are sometimes complicated and troublesome.... just life in general... like He said..in this world you will have trouble but I have overcome the world... so conflict and trouble  are inevitable but He will never leave us or and forsake us.. and walking with Him when you have to hang on for dear life tends to strengthen the relationship, that's for sure..... read something Rick Warren tweeted today: God answers your pain not with a principle but with a Person, not with a word but the Word, not with a reason but a relationship..... he ( Rick Warren) must have gone through some big stuff himself because he for sure is getting it... that's exactly what He does for us...

He will be there for us in the future as well... knowing that allows us to live to the fullest without holding anything back... following Him with expectation and trust... because no matter if things will be nice and wonderful or hard and painful... my best buddy, the lover of my soul is always right beside me... I will never get my head around what He sees in me... in the meantime I am enjoying His love and commitment...