..@ hospital day 4

... another day in beautiful, sunny Celerina, Switzerland, ... already spend 4 1/2 hours in the ICU of the "Oberengadiner Spital" the little hospital outfitted with Swiss precision and perfectionism... and thank the Lord for that... technology and science are quite amazing... a little hospital, with a total of 10 beds in the ICU, there have only been 2 patients the whole time we have been there, my mother and one man in the next room.... very competent nurses and doctors have made this experience as good as something like this can be for us....
talking to the Dr in charge this afternoon he stated that where my mother is today is the best possible state of recovery she could be in right now, when he painted best case scenario for us on Tuesday, when worst case scenario would have been that she wasn't going to make the night, where she is today was exactly what he said... no set backs and a little itty bit of improvement each day.... he keeps on stressing that patience will be needed and that recovering from a septic shock will take a very long time...
best prognosis is now that she might have to stay in ICU for another 4 days... if all continues to work out and no secondary infection occurs....
while being with my mom she again was coming up a bit out of her sedation, lifting up her arms and "fighting" against all the tubes ... so far this has never failed to bring tears to my eyes, she obviously is scared, in pain and has no idea what is going on, holding her arms and telling her all will be fine is all we can do.... one of those moments today she looked at me and I am sure she saw me...
patience... it is hard, now that the fear of losing her has pretty much left me I so want to be able to communicate and know that she understands... we are always talking to her and are holding her hands, and I am sure on some subconscious level she knows we are there... but it will be so amazing to look her in the eyes and connect on that level again...
the extent of stress this week has brought, is wearing all of us down.... I am so thankful for how the Lord has been with us and has been at work in my mother... I am not sure how I could have made it without Him, He is the One who gives me strength ... so yes, I have been strong and at peace....
but, if I have learned anything through the last 18 months going through the break up of my marriage, it is that yes, because of Him, I am strong , but that at the same time I am also broken, sad, in pain..... real feelings... I am not immune to those, I can function and deal with them better, but they are still all there...
that's when I need the time alone for me to recharge and find the comfort in my best friend... the lover of my soul.....
when I am resting my head against His shoulder ( and it is a very soft shirt material that I can feel against my cheek.. yes, that's how real it is) and His arms are holding me, the tension flows away, the burdens are lifted and new hope and strength fills my heart..... I am in desperate need of some me and Jesus time right now.... so grateful that He always has time for me.....