coming back from another few hours with my mom, I am trying to express what those feelings of love I have for her are really all about...
sneaking into her bed at night, when she was still up doing stuff... just because it smelled like her and feeling so loved and protected... waking up from my 2nd C-Section after being put under , confused and scared, I called out for her.... apart from me she is the biggest fan of my kids, I am always excited to share their cute moments with her... the one I came to for advise on how to be a mother, the one I trust to tell me if an outfit looks good on me...
love... letting go of hurt feelings, deep, deep hurts, because she IS my mother and I love her...
I am an intense person and when I love I love.... this feeling usually is too hard to contain... it bursts out of me... looking at my mother for hours, the way she is breathing through that tube... her hair brushed back and her hands and arms... well really her whole body all poked and bruised, makes me all choked up and feeling such compassion I don't really know how to contain it...
these feelings of sadness I was speaking about earlier are because I am not able to take away the pain...
telling her how much I love her and using words of endearment I really only use for my children, because no matter how old they are the will always be my little "Mausis".... is all I can do.. feeling such motherly feelings for my mother now, mixed with the gratitude and love I have for her for being my mother...
the last 10-12 years of our relationship were harder but the years before were wonderful and close... I have not forgotten , could never forget how much I love this woman.... studying her face for so many hours, afraid that this was the last time I would see her at first .... I thank the Lord for giving us the ability to love, for a mother like mine to be a good and caring mother, to teach me how to be a mom, what a wonderful blessing.... I am praying that when she gets better that we will be able to establish our relationship on a much deeper level than it even was 10 years ago... my prayer is for her to finally experience the love the Father has for her, that she could soak it in and let go of all bitterness and anger... that I could minister to her wounded heart and love her with the love Jesus has for her.... like putting ointment on her soul like I did on her dry lips today.... smoothing over the rough spots.....
Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrong, love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth, it always protects, always trusts, always hopes always perseveres.... I learned to love my husband this way, when he had had an affair for a year already.... it was too late .... I knew that God was not a mean guy... there had to be a reason he taught me when he taught me, even though it didn't change anything for our marriage.... maybe this time I can use this love, the AGAPE love on someone, and this time it is not too late.... wouldn't it be wonderful.....
It would be wounderful
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