... A Prayer of Lament....

Lord... I know you know everything that is on my heart and on my mind....I knew there was no reason for me to ever try to hide my feeling from you, and thanks to You I never felt the need to do that..., after all, You know everything... You also are the one who put me together the way I am...You made my brain, my emotions, You are fully aware of my behaviour patterns and dysfunctions... You can take it when I am angry ......Right now I just need to tell You what I am feeling.

I love you for that, that I can be real with you.. you love me... Your love for me is much bigger than that, you can take a prayer of lament...

Lord when I tell you that I feel a little tired now, that all of this is just not fair, that I am kind of tired of facing trials, and as much as I am so thankful for knowing you more through all of this and really, I would not even want to go back to who and where I was before the whole ordeal happened... sometimes I am just tired of it.

I am also a little scared, and I do not have to pretend to have more trust in You than I have.. You know that it is my prayer to know you and trust You more.. but I am afraid... what if there will never be a "flesh and blood " man to really love me and cherish me? What if there is no one for me , what if your plans are very different... yes, I know that whatever it is You will bless me,.... but You know me enough to know that I LONG for this earthly happiness... it bugs me right now that You DO care more about my holiness than my happiness... and I get it... I know and I appreciate it... I am blessed beyond anything I could have imagined to be Your daughter, Your friend and that Your love for me is everlasting...
But... and there is the "but"... I really , really, really so long for love HERE.....

I know You are at work in me... I know You are transforming me into Your likeness, I know that it is not about me, but about all the others you will let me minister to, and yes, it is fulfilling, actually, I love it...but...... here I go again...... but please, please...a man to share my heart for ministry with, a man to worship You with, a man to care for and to love and respect.....for once in my life to have someone love me like you love the church....
Lament... crying out, being real, authentic.... because when we verbalize it, when we give it to You we also have the chance of maybe leaving it with You...You know my heart, You know how much I want to surrender, and the truth is I AM, but still.... I am still wondering and hoping and wishing....

I love you... can You just pick me up and hold me? Can I stay in Your arms? With my head on Your shoulder and my eyes closed... hearing Your heartbeat... feeling safe....
Thank You Jesus, You are a GEM....I praise You, and I choose to trust You again, tonight and always..

Thanks for caring, thanks for allowing me to be real....thanks for giving me the courage to keep on going...I praise You.....AMEN