..a world of brokenness, depression, anxiety, hurt and the sure and steadfast anchor of hope...

just crawling out of the lap of my Daddy in Heaven, my Jesus, the lover of my soul... having spent time in His embrace, hearing from His Word, words for my soul, meeting a need so deep nothing else can satisfy it...

what a special time it is always is, no appointment necessary...



was reading in Hebrews 6: 17-20

So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath,  so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us.  We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek.

this is what He said to me:

A sure and steadfast anchor of my soul.... an anchor that holds me in place, grounded not in my own 

- very feeble - strength but in His... steadfast, unmovable, the same yesterday, today and tomorrow...

not dependent on my performance, my genetic makeup, citizenship, status of employment or bank account... not in my trendiness or ability to speak the language perfectly, nor the absence of wrinkles and compliance with other pressures this world puts on me... no..... only on HIS LOVE for me.....

last week I had the sweet privilege to spend 4 days with my daughter and son-in-law helping them to pack up their old place and start moving some of it into their new home...

it was wonderful to be part of this next step in their lives but mostly I loved having the opportunity to reconnect with my child, who I love so much...

it meant so much more because on Thursday afternoon I heard about a mother who just had to decide to take her 17 year old daughter off life support... a "cry for help" gone terribly wrong had left this mother and her son in a world of darkness and grief so deep, there just are no words to even try to describe the pain they are in....

reading today's passage made it even more clear for me....

without this place to hide for refuge, without finding the encouragement there , this hope, set before us by Christ, no matter the circumstances... 

I too would be tossed around by storms, trials, hurts, confusion, disappointments, by people who hurt and by stuff that's scary and horrible... this world, broken by sin is so full of it..

without this steadfast anchor to my soul, I too would just be another statistic, anxiety and depression, constantly struggling against the urge to run away, or having lost that fight already...

instead I am taking refuge in the inner place, under the wings of my God, because of what Jesus has done, my sins forgiven, my debt paid, I can enter and find the rest, the hope, the peace and even the joy.... no matter how high the waves that are badgering my little boat, no matter how devastating and utterly shocking things around me are... I am not losing hope, because the hope I have does not disappoint, it is in Jesus and in the sure, steadfast and unmovable anchor He is to my soul...

in this life I will have trouble He said, but... He said also, I can be of good cheer, have fulness of joy in His presence, pleasures forever more at His right hand, because, He has indeed overcome the world, when He chose, because of the joy set before Him, to endure the cross and pay the sins of His own.... and guess what? I am one of them...

praying for this mother and her son who are left to deal with this horrific loss, for her friend who told me about it, praying most of all that they too could come to find this anchor... this hope that Jesus offers to all who believe.....

"it's not supposed to be this way....."

a well known Christian author just recently released a book with this title, or at least something similar...

wasn't quite sure what she was talking about but just saw a picture of her and her husband renewing their wedding vows...so, I now know that her " not supposed to be this way" had to do with her marriage falling apart..

see, when I went through my marriage breaking up and the following years, I often called the hard stuff the "not-supposed-to-be-that-way" moments"

those, I knew it very soon into the whole ordeal were not just limited to the moment of impact. the moment I received the email that my husband was not going to come back. that he had decided to leave us forever, a week before Christmas.
they weren't going to be limited to me lying on the floor screaming ( I did compare it to a deer that had been hit ) and the agony it was to tell the kids... the Christmas I am not sure how we survived and the long hard weeks following the casual dismissal of a lifelong covenant...

no, they are not limited to any of this, in fact, they are still going on.
two weddings of my daughters made that very clear indeed.

it's just not supposed to be that way.

it's a true statement.

This is what Jesus said in Mark 10:2-10

And Pharisees came up and in order to test him asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”  He answered them, “What did Moses command you?”  They said, “Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of divorce and to send her away.”  And Jesus said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment.  But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’  ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

so, no, it's not supposed to be that way.

neither is it supposed to be that way that we hate a brother in our heart.
or that we impatiently make a hurtful remark
or think of ourselves above others...

the first "not-supposed-to-be-like-that-way" moment happened in the garden.
when Eve took the fruit.
when Adam didn't stop her but instead went along.
the rest, as they say is history.....

the good news is, that at the fullness of time God did indeed send the solution that He had planned before the beginning of time to earth.
the beloved Son, the Darling of Heaven, in the form of a baby, entered this world..
He came to lay down His life, the spotless lamb, wrapped in swaddling cloths as to not get any blemish on Him, sinless, and therefore able to atone for our sins once and for all, He was crushed for our sake.
He rose again and defeated death, so everyone who believes in Him can be free ..
free to have a relationship with God,
free to sin no more
free from fear
free from Satan's condemnation.....


I saw that this famous author's marriage was restored, new vows were whispered, promises made.
I am rejoicing with her and her family. God is indeed good.

for me, not that outcome.
no restoration of the marriage.
no miracle.

and yet, He did restore the years the locusts have eaten, He did use for good what was intended for evil, He got the glory and I got the good...

because one of the main lessons I learned was this:
my hope is in Him.
not in my miraculously restored circumstance.
not even in my children not being hurt and affected by this sin, over and over again.

no.
in Him.

in the meantime He has even restored some of the circumstances in wonderful ways.
scars, for sure, moments, for sure, but He, who is my hope,
He is always there.
He never disappoints
He never leaves or forsakes.

so.
how "not-supposed-to-be-that-way" are the "not-supposed-to-be-that-way"moments and trials and various griefs???

is He not sovereign over all of them?
have they not been orchestrated informed by His purposeful goodness???

I think so.

so I rejoice, even though I might be enduring trials of many kinds, since my momentary and light afflictions are achieving for me an eternal glory that FAR outweighs them all.

God is most glorified in us,
when we are most satisfied in Him

SOLI DEO GLORIA

..confusion not from God!!!..

used to live in this bubble..  most of my friends were from MY church and some, just a few,  that weren't Christians, as in my family ...
life was pretty straightforward and all seemed pretty clear.. the truth was what I had been learning since becoming a Christian, solid, biblical teaching and my own studies of the Word, the Lord making things clear to me and changing me gently..
in the meantime, because my life fell apart two and a half year ago, I have met some Christians that have different views on some pretty significant things ... have to admit it has thrown me off at times..
thankfully the Holy Spirit keeps making me feel uncomfortable again and again and I am drawn back to the Word..
today Michael Minot, amazing Christian guy tweeted this: " Guard your heart and your mind. These are the places where the enemy wages his warfare"... I had just been spending time in the Word and this was what jumped out to me: For God is not a God of confusion but of peace.  ( 1 Cor 14 : 33)
if confusion enters one's mind we can be sure it is not from God.. with God there is peace, wisdom and direction..
needed to be reminded that my fragile and vulnerable heart is easy prey.. cannot let Satan try and use this to bring confusion to my mind..
so here are some reminders for me:
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God..He was with God in the beginning.. ( John 1: 1+2 )
and then there is this:
All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,  so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. (2 Timothy 3:16+17)

bottom line is this: Truth is Truth and the Word is the Word.. I am choosing to submit to it's authority.. I do not have to question or debate, I don't have to seek for answers it doesn't give, I just have to believe it and trust God..
I love Jesus and He is the Word.. He is the One who was with God in the beginning..
this is how John chapter 1 goes on:
Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made.  In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.

I need to leave it there because this is what it says as well:

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. ( Isaiah 55:8 )
That's it.

..this is how love wins... The Story

"The Story"... I had heard about this great endeavour on "the" Cruise" almost 2 years ago... a musical in a way... His Story.. a powerful recounting of His Plan, from the Beginning to the End..

somehow I missed it coming out September 2011..

thankfully my sweet big sister Leslie, who I visited the last few days had the CD in her car... so I downloaded it from iTunes as soon as I had a chance... and my heart is gripped in the awe of how much He loves us.. again....

2 songs have made it onto my fav list already..

there is Abraham...

I see a star; You see the Milky Way

I see one man counting sand

but you see generations

who, but You, would ever choose

to dream Your dream in me?

tell me who, but You, would dare me to

believe what I can’t see

who, but You?

then there is the thief... hanging on the cross next to Jesus...

this is how Love wins, every single time

climbing high upon a tree where someone else should die

this is how Love heals, the deepest part of you

letting Himself bleed into the middle of your wounds

this is what Love says, standing at the door

you don’t have to be who you’ve been before

silenced by His voice, death can’t speak again

this is how Love wins

most of the time the people around me, those that care about me, misunderstand my tears... tears of deepest gratitude and love... it happens when I get a glimpse of who He is... music does that for me.. touching my soul through the tune and the words.. so skillfully put together.. inspired by the One who  the  the song is all about... what He has done for me.. for us.. getting a glimpse of His love, so immense that the only reaction is tears of joy and thankfulness...

my life has been enriched.. once again... I know which songs will be on repeat on my iTunes from now on...

...let the offender off the hook???

went to Harvest Bible Chapel today... or I should say, yesterday.. church on a Saturday afternoon... very interesting..
funnily enough the sermon was on a passage in 1 Corinthians, the book my pastor has been preaching on since the fall..
it was a good sermon, a good reminder about what the Lord Supper is really all about and what we, as Christ followers have to do in preparation for this very important celebration..
one of the things we need to do is to make sure that we have done everything to be reconciled to whoever we had any "beef" with...
made me think of the one person that I just have had enough of.... legitimately, I have all the right to feel the way I do.. and still.....
have had to forgive him so many times already... him who is the main reason for all the dysfunction in my family..
a man that for all anyone close to him can see has ever only cared about himself...
who has been mistreating all of us for all our lives... shucks... just over the last few years, culminating in everything that has happened since my mother got so very very sick last year, there have been so many things that need forgiveness... and obediently I have.. forgiven that is..
but I guess, once again not the last few things.... and the weight of the overall damage he has inflicted that has come more and more to the surface and has been so very very frustrating........
so this afternoon, in the few minutes the pastor gave us to silently search our hearts... I didn't have to search, because it was right there..... I forgave my father for the last few episodes of ruthless disregard of my feelings .....
all by my lonesome at home tonite, once again making the mistake to listen to a beautiful love song I got a little bit sad... ( the loneliness just gets to me sometimes) and I was thinking of how he never was there to break my fall.... and he should have been...
forgiveness.. the most difficult thing to do.. the most important one too, though... it needed to be done.. it doesn't change the past... but it changes the present and the future... once again, chains severed, baggage released... rights surrendered... laid down at the foot of the cross, where He paid for my sins... sins that in the eyes of God are no different from those committed against me...
remembering the forgiveness that was extended to me... how can I not forgive those that trespass against me.. even if they blatantly continue to do so again and again...

I just can't hold on to it... the price is too high... feeling rather beaten up right now but I know I did the right thing...

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins (Mark 11:25)


For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:14+15)

trusting that He will continue to heal the hurts... because He cares....

...a reminder of His faithfulness

have been busy getting stuff done for Hope for Life, very exciting ...

at the office early, taking some time with my Saviour.. my study bible has been my companion for the last 17 years, underlined everywhere, notes in the margins.. in it's carrying bag it contains all that is important in my life,  pages with meaningful scriptures written out, my testimony written down and letters and notes given to me with encouraging scriptures and such..

lately, over the last 3 years or so, this great bible has been falling apart... the hard cover is totally gone and it is really disintegrating now.. even the leather bag is not functioning properly anymore..

I do have new bibles, but I so far I have not been able to retire this one...
it seems there are so many meaningful entries and reminders of dear moments in there, all that God has taught me through these years has somehow been documented right in there...

at one point in time I started to copy all my notes and underlinings into a new bible... I gave up... I want to stick to my beloved old one... I might get it rebound.. someone said you can do that..
when I leaf through the pages of my old companion I am reminded how God met me in His Word, I am reminded of His faithfulness..

-like when the LORD told Joshua to have a representative of the 12 tribes to each get 12 stones from where the Israelites crossed the river Jordan with the Ark of the Covenant and take them as a reminder so that they could tell their children about how God had cut off the flow of the Jordan so that the Ark and the people of Israel could cross over the river of Jordan-

my bible is a reminder of the many times He, through His Word provided me with the needed encouragement, conviction and comfort... in the margins I recorded what it meant to me and I am blessed  when I read it again... I will stick to it, I will be loyal and not discard it, it might be old and tattered, but I love it... maybe one day it will be a reminder to my children and their children of who I was and what I stood for... a close and intimate relationship with my Jesus and His Word and a commitment to stick to it and all it stands for...

..till death do us part...

...one week from today the man who promised to love me until death would tear us apart is going to make this same promise again... even the best man is going to be the same one.... my daughters will be at this joyous event and many of the people that one day were friends of "us".....
as the day approaches I would be lying if I were to say that I am totally fine... the truth is, I am, in regards to him no longer being my husband, to him moving on so quickly, I am, I am fine with that... I am actually relieved that I am no longer in an "existence of pain" but rather in the process of moving "through the pain"  nearing the end of it... so, all this is good, but I would still be lying if I said it didn't make me sad ... I know that my girls are going to have an awkward time and it is going to be hurtful for them to have to be a part of a ceremony that will just manifest once again that the family that was their security and meant to be a strong foundation, no longer exists... no news for them but sharing in a day like this will bring it right to the surface... difficult to say the least... I wish I could be there for them but they will have to face this one alone, not alone, but without me ... love them so much , my girls ...
heading to Nashville on Wednesday and looking forward to it so much... so thankful to be blessed this way....
today some wonderful people painted the office of Hope for Life... so exciting , measured the Care Closet for the shelving we will get put in...I have boxes full of beautiful baby clothes in my basement waiting to be sorted and put out.... all is starting to shape up, God is so good... a year ago this was a thought that was starting to form, now it is becoming reality...
Prince Charming hasn't shown up yet, he might never, but right now that is a good thing I think, really need to be there for those that do love me and need me around... and for those that need encouragement and help that I haven't even met yet... what a privilege to be of use.. so thankful for the purpose God has for my life... for His continued love and support... His blessings and provision.... the abundant life that He has promised...  and the fact that He does keep them... the promises that is... #SoliDeoGloria