...broken but not useless..

....  after the meeting I had yesterday morning, as I was driving back, I was thinking about what the lady had said to me, how God had prepared me for what He has for me now my whole entire life.
That made me think about all that has happened and how I got to where I am today....


I have mentioned before that I have been on a Christian Dating Website or two  a few months ago, ( not in a while.... ;) I know, wrong, but at the time it was a very great need to know that someone would be interested in me...pathetic but like they all say, a normal response to the rejection and loss I experienced) anyways, what I wanted to say was on there, everyone makes it very clear that they are only interested in a partner that is "emotionally healthy"...hah...


So, as I am thinking about how God has prepared me for the purpose He has for the next phase in my life, I am wondering if that means I will really never be able to be in a relationship again... because, let me say this, what these men are looking for, I am for sure not...


I have had my fair share of bad stuff in my life, some self inflicted, some not.
 Fearful of an absent and volatile father and his outbursts, a sense of worthlessness because of his indifference, criticism and favoritism, someone ( a family friend) abusing his position of respect and authority in my life to sexually molest me, a first boyfriend and an unwanted pregnancy ending in an abortion, which catapulted me into a depression, that ( the need to find out if I could have a baby at all) and some occurrences in my family drove me to find security in a marriage far to early which had no chance because of my immaturity and lack of commitment. Jumping into the next relationship, now with two little children, on the rebound led to the 17 1/2 years of despair and difficulty that finally ended in December of last year with my husband walking out on us after cheating on me.... 


Emotionally healthy....hmmm, healed, by God's grace and healing power, letting me deal with one issue after the other, yes, restored and refined, yes...all healed though? I am not sure...so, no luck for me.....


The good part is that in the last 16 years I have not only been healed and restored, but I have also come to know my Maker and my Saviour, amazingly He is in the process of transforming me into His likeness  and  truly has prepared me to be a compassionate woman with a heart full of love and understanding to extend to women that are going or have gone through similar circumstances and also someone who has learned to be a godly wife and how to respect and love her husband. I have learned to forgive and it is easy for me, because after all, she who has been forgiven much is so much more willing and able to forgive...


I know that I am a sinner, lost without the saving grace of my Jesus dying on the cross for me, my heart is filled with gratitude and love for Him and for all His children. I have nothing to offer but my life and I am laying it down at the cross, He has redeemed me, I am His. 


So what am I? I am a broken vessel willing to let God use me...for His glory ..... I am rejoicing in the fact that He does .... what a blessing....so, really, I need no "luck" with guys on some websites, I am the daughter of the King, and, you know what? He loves me!

..... Him alone...

God is GREAT... it is Tuesday night and these last 2 days have just been amazing...He doesn't need to prove anything to me, but He cares enough to show me that no matter what the people around me are doing, no matter how much they are inflicting pain, "He is able, more than able to handle everything that comes my way" and not only this, He blesses beyond anything I could ever imagine.
He does not waste a minute of my day, around every corner is another amazing detail that He so obviously is working out.
We all know that He has a plan, I believed it in my head, I knew it, I even knew it in my heart, but I still was scared. Didn't quite trust Him...but 9 months after the final separation and a year after finding out about the affair I am now convinced without a doubt, that indeed, the plans He has are marvelous...
I am at a place where I accept pain as something that is just there, something that makes me focus on how wonderful it is that He is there, walking through it with me.
What a blessing that is. And in the meantime, while accepting this as a fact, He is leading me from one amazing detail to the next, opening my eyes every moment to just how beyond anything imaginable His plan really is, how big, how many people will be involved, how many will be blessed. I am humbled that He has groomed me all my life for such a time as this...when relying on Him like never before I am freed from anything that has had me bound and kept me from serving Him wholeheartedly.
Feelings of unworthiness, insecurities, fear of loneliness... He has been dealing with all of these. And I am more aware than ever that I am His child, chosen to follow and love Him for eternity.
I do not need anyone else to give me significance, he takes care of all of this.
I never thought I could come to a place where I could say that if this is all ( and I even feel bad saying this because it is so amazing) my life will be, serving Him in whatever way He has for me, that is MORE than enough for me... so I am putting it out there.... as much as I do have dreams, dreams to  for once being able to portray the amazing relationship between Jesus and His bride, the church, through a godly marriage, complementing one another and serving together, reflecting God's image to the world, I am no longer hung up on this..... He has been working in my heart and for the first time in my life I am feeling whole.... it blows me away.
This is something I thought I would never know.... so I thank you my wonderful Saviour and friend, you are the Lover of my Soul and you have restored me.
I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

... direction....

... my tiny puppy just tumbled down the stairs...again...is that a sign we should move... really, those steps are far too narrow, I am scared myself when going down...
... lately I have felt drawn to a new work, new place, new people... someone said something encouraging in this re to me today, an "insider"... now, is this a sign???
I have been praying for direction ever since my cute little, content train had been thrown up in the air, violently, without any regard to me liking the safety of my normal, the little train tracks leading me along a well known path.... it was scary at first, very scary, what was this "New Normal" going to look like? All of a sudden everything was possible,  everything could be changed...needed to be changed....  relationship status from married to single, lifestyle taken down a few notches.. friends, all of them married... social activities as couples not happening anymore, okay.. lonely in and now lonely without a relationship, children secure in a family, even though not all was so nice... but at least it was a stable environment... now.... a mother "thrown" by the hurt and abandonment experienced.... you get the picture...
God has opened many doors, new opportunities, exciting stuff... more exciting as the "scared factor" became smaller and smaller..
One thing I learned is that I NEVER want to do anything anymore that I am not sure God has for me... so, the way things are progressing... an answer to prayer? Do I pursue it or wait for it to land in my lap?
I am not sure... I will have to pray about that one.... I know that God has plans for me and my girls to prosper us and not to harm us...I am serving while I am waiting, I am drawing closer and closer... and still... not sure what I should do..so Lord, please, something obvious... like my puppy tumbling down the stairs AGAIN...

.... honor and glory...

.... Praise the Lord, oh my soul, Praise His holy name...
He , who has given us NEW LIFE in Jesus Christ, His son,
He who keeps His promises and loves us with an EVERLASTING love..

drawing near to HIM, my day starts by being filled with new purpose and love,
a renewed conviction, to honor Him and praise Him in all that I do..

because: even though I have not seen Him , I love Him, and even though I do not see Him now, I believe in Him and am filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for I am receiving the goal of my faith, the salvation of my soul.....

and furthermore...even though now, for a LITTLE while I have to suffer grief in all kinds of trials, I know that these have come so that my faith may be proved genuine and result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed...

I love Him with all my soul, heart and mind, and I will strive to honor Him and glorify Him in all that I do...today and every day... by His grace and in His power, a willing vessel of His grace and love..

AMEN

.... hardened hearts :(

... Thank the Lord for my sanctuary...wanna know what my sanctuary is?
My bedroom.. I LOVE my bed, this seems to be the only place where I can retreat to, where I can be safe, even in my own house.
I didn't want this. I didn't want to have another meeting. Because I knew it wouldn't work.
Because what is really happening is not even on this level, it is a spiritual battle.
There is bitterness and total disregard of feelings. There is selfishness that knows no boundaries.
There is betrayal and greed. Really, that's what it comes down to. Greed.
What they do not see is this is NOT what it is all about.
I thank God that He has allowed me 16 years ago to see the light, that He took the blinders off and let these ears grow on my heart. That I am not concerned with material things to the extent everyone else around me is. That He has shown me that we need to be proactive against bitterness and forgive... but that we also need to be wise about the boundaries we need to put up. Especially with people that have NO respect for other peoples feelings. (even when it is their own child)
What is that all about? why Lord, why the continued pain, inflicted by those that were in the beginning appointed to be the ones to keep us safe and nurture us.
What will it take for this to end? Total destruction? So sad, so very, very sad.
My heart breaks, again, the loss is tremendous... unbelievable. What if they won't get it?
The outcome will be even worse for them eternally... I do not want that, because, as much as I seem to be the enemy, they are not my enemies.. so I will continue to pray. not even for this situation to be resolved so much but for God to do for them what He has done for me... to take off the blinders and let them see the TRUTH.... to see Him, the One who is the Truth, the Way and the Life...
Because without Him all the striving is in vain. Like my pastor says, You will never see a U-Haul behind a hearse..rather then will come the moment of truth, are you a child of the Creator of this world because of what His son Jesus has done or are you not... pretty straightforward... do you believe that you need His saving grace and have you accepted it by faith.... This is all that counts, now and forever more..

So my prayer is : Lord , forgive them., for they do not know what they are doing, forgive them in your grace and call them, break through their stubborn, hardened hearts and make them your own,
so that, even if we cannot be reconciled here, we will be able to spend eternity together..
After all, what else would I wish for...

.....He is in CONTROL!!!!!

.....was reassured this morning in church  -  did I ever say how much I LOVE going to church?
Worshipping Him, I could do that all day long... preaching of the Word.. hearing from Him, speaking to me through a willing servant ( my favourite one ;)... God is soooooo good.. could do that every day.. yes, I know I am a little crazy - so anyways, today's sermon reassured me that I am on the right path:

God's plan is more wonderful than we can ever imagine... I am counting on that....

God's plan is more perfect than we can ever grasp...getting little glimpses of that once in a while.. thank you Lord..

God's plan is more precise than we can ever appreciate... His love and attention to the detail, mind blowing..how much He cares...

God's plan is more loving than we can ever comprehend... sang this amazing song this morning, something about God being like the infinite ocean, the bottomless sea, His affection and love for us unending.. I just opened my hands and relaxed into this, closing my eyes, receiving it.....

God's plan is more complete than we can ever understand.... he alone sees the beginning and the end.. he alone is wise , thankfully He is the one who is sovereign... can you imagine how we would mess it up... oh, my, I know I would.

Bottom line is: His plan is all that because of Who He is...trusting Him, opening myself up to His leading, seeking Him and pursuing Holiness ( like forgiving those who wronged me), accepting the momentary troubles..all this flows out of believing that He is just that: My Sovereign and Loving God...
There is no better place I could ever be , than in the presence of the One who lovingly calls the shots in my life, His plan and His timing are perfect and ultimately better than anything I could ever come up with!!!!!!!
Hallelujah!

Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.

  Worship the LORD with gladness; 

       come before him with joyful songs.

  Know that the LORD is God. 

       It is he who made us, and we are his   

       we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

 Enter his gates with thanksgiving 

       and his courts with praise; 

       give thanks to him and praise his name.

  For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; 

       his faithfulness continues through all generations.

...waves of turmoil...

...I dwell in the House of the Lord

all the days of my life...

.. striving for holiness....obedience...

....feelings of unworthiness....emptiness...

....grief and sadness.. old wounds, new wounds..

....losses, long ago, ....some so fresh....

...opportunities.....challenges...

... pathetic loneliness.....closeness, like never before..

...broken relationships beyond repair...

...the lost and helpless little girl.....

...a mother, keeping it together for her kids...

...overwhelmed ...bored...

....heart broken in pieces...

mending slowly....

...feeling the sadness in this world...

...so much compassion.. passion...

...ready to move on... not time for that yet...

... surrendered... whatever your will, Lord...

... I'm Yours and Yours alone...

...whatever it takes Lord..........

I  Love You Lord

and I lift my voice

to worship you, oh my soul rejoice

Be still and know that I am God

You are God

Stillness

Peace

Eternity

Now

Natalie Grant - The Greatness Of Our God

..waiting... what do you mean????

Waiting on the Lord... it comes up again and again.... scriptures, devotions, blogs, tweets, conversations, songs... I guess it's something the Lord wants to point out to me..hmmmmm

Patience.. but not only this,
Trusting...
Waiting meaning what? Doing nothing? Serving while I am waiting?
What exactly is it I am waiting for?
For the Lord's plan to unfold... am I waiting for Him to bring about what I am asking Him for?
Waiting for my "order" to be delivered?
Waiting to find out if my desires and wishes line up with what He has for me?
Why waiting?
For the time to be right?

Is it maybe that waiting on the Lord means resting in His presence?
By serving while waiting getting to know Him better?
Waiting and growing in the knowledge of Him..
Waiting and through drawing closer to Him His priorities become mine?
Him filling my voids, showering me with Himself and all of a sudden what I thought I was waiting for doesn't even matter anymore?

Maybe I am challenged to take my eyes off my wants and dreams and fix them on Him?
Be still and know that HE is God and that is all I need?
Might it be this????

Just a thought......

..letting go...

...another emotional day...after 3 days of learning about what women deal with after an abortion, this morning at RENEW  ( the Women's Bible Study at my church) I  "officially" passed  on the baton of the ministry that I had been heading up for 10 years.

Stepping down was my decision, one that I felt was necessary after all the changes in my life..the new path that I feel God is calling me to follow...

But then again, walking in there and not being the one in charge making sure everything is working the way it should...weird.... didn't quite like it.

Ten years is a very long time... giving up something that has been part of my "Normal" for so long is hard, harder than I thought... actually, right now, I am VERY sad, it seems this is another loss..... too many of those lately.

Had lunch afterwards with a great friend, and since we never get to spend any time together I basically gave her the story of the last 9 months..

As I was telling her of all the losses  I have suffered I realized that I should not be surprised that I am still so very, very fragile... basically, in regards to family, I lost pretty much everyone, but my kids. 

We need to grieve the losses, I learned ... allow the sadness, the anger, work through them and let them go...

The sense of betrayal that is connected to them makes it even more difficult for me... this really shouldn't be like this... I know that the sadness will never fully go away...

Coming back to today.. I am loosening my grasp... some of this loosening others violently made happen, against my will, loosening the grasp today, was what I needed to do, obediently following where God is leading me..

I am glad that I have gotten to know my Daddy in Heaven quite well over the last 16 years and that this is what I firmly believe:

Sometimes faith may feel blind, the dance unsure, as He takes the lead. But through it all, we must listen to the whisper that says, "Trust me."

And that is what with His help I will do, one step at a time....

...Hindsight...Take Five........Sep 14, 2009

.... September 14, 2009 ...... waking up with an urgency like never before... The Lord was prompting me... an answer to prayer...the sick feeling in my stomach that had been my constant companion for the last 6 weeks was getting worse.... the urgency: acting upon an idea I woke up with... a lightbulb moment.... the Holy Spirit opening my eyes... an answer to my fervent prayers for God to bring into the light what was hiding in the darkness.....
..the password for my cousin's e-mail account...I will never forget where I was...in my beautiful kitchen, on my beautiful PINK macbook.... trying to get to the bottom of things.. led by the Holy Spirit who was revealing to me the truth about the state of my marriage..
...I went on the website, I punched in the password that had been brought to my attention... and voila... there it was.
A whole folder of e-mails between my husband and the woman he was betraying me with...


Pain inflicted to an extend that I had never thought possible... reduced to the raw emotions of such unbelievable hurt and betrayal... all I could do was SCREAM... not cry.... but SCREAM...
My first impulse was to call him and confront him, but then I changed my mind and rather saved all those e-mails to my documents.. to have proof because I was fully aware that as soon as I would tell my husband what I found I would never get into this account again...


Called him then and told him that there was no more need to deny anything, that I knew and that I needed him to come home and make a decision.. either for us or against us but that he then would have to move out.
Called my mentor and went to see her at the church... on the way, in my car, with the music blasting I was just screaming again, letting out all the pain... I remember thinking that this must be what it means to share into Christ's suffering... because wasn't he also betrayed by the ones that swore to stand by Him???


The hurt was so magnified because not only my husband but also the relative closest to my heart, my confidante and companion since the day she was born, my cousin, had betrayed me and inflicted a pain I would have never been able to imagine beforehand and will never be able to forget... ever...
At the church I cried, we prayed.. I forgave... I did, I really did, oh the love I had for him, how God had changed my heart... the pain did not go away, but I was ready, ready to have that conversation, ready to trust God with whatever the outcome would be...one year ago today...learned something today, after a loss you will never be the same again, you will heal, and I have, it will not hurt as much anymore after a while, am there now most of the time... but you will never go back to who you were before...because when God allows the pain and the loss in our lives he uses it to transform us...to shape us and mold us and take us to a new level of awareness... more aware of many things... how fragile life is... how precious and not to be taken for granted... how much He loves me, that I can trust Him, and that people are just that, people, that will let me down, and hurt me.. just like I will let them down and hurt them... but that God is so much BIGGER and with His help I can overcome any hurt inflicted on me...


.....we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. ( Romans 5:3-5)


to be continued.....

... Divorce papers...

....so this what it comes down to..... the  "in sickness and in health.. until death do you part"... it is actually , in my case, a pink folder with a few papers in them... one of them is ... yup, the marriage certificate, signed by my husband, myself, my cousin... yes, the same one, and my husband's best man... oh, and the pastor... this is one of the papers in there, then there are a few "Affidavits" ...a receipt for some fees... and there it is now... the pink little file that contains our family... waiting for a judge to sign it and by this dissolve the union that we both promised before God never to break..
A little pink folder, looking so innocent and really not at all in any way significant... the consequences though  are monumental..a message to our children, that, if married, yes, you can still get betrayed and abandoned... and: at least one parent did not believe that God can work all things out and bless and honor obedience....a message to my parents and my siblings: I was wrong... I was going to prove to them that , yes, with God you can work anything out... a message to the world: Christians get divorced almost as often and easily as unbelievers...
... but then there is the message from God.. to everyone... He has given us free choice... the world is full of trouble, but He has overcome it... so even though my "kind of" and "then again not" Christian husband made choices that were not according to what God's "Don'ts" ( Don't get hurt) are saying... God is still much bigger than any sin could ever be. He has promised to work everything out for the good of those that LOVE Him..... so, in the brokenness there will be beauty, there has been beauty... the sweet aroma of forgiveness and blessing, new opportunities, new horizons because that's God's message to everyone as well: I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future...
He keeps His promises... He is always right there... no matter what kind of papers we are putting in a pink folder... Praise God

...as far as the East is from the West....

... love Him... need Him... can trust Him...love spending time with Him...
He is so meticulous.. has EVERYTHING planned out so well. No one cares as much as He does.

My children are such a blessing...they blow me away, one of them today exhibited such discernment, such an understanding of good and bad and how it all works out... it made my heart jump inside.
I think He did that to show me I need not worry about that, but that He is at work, even when outwardly they are not expressing their faith in the way that would make me stop worrying.
He alone knows how much I care about this... that my most consistent and fervent prayer is for my girls to love Him with a passion that is all consuming.. seeking Him every day of their lives.

The next 3 days I have the privilege to attend a Post Abortion Counseling Training Seminar..  For many years now my heart's desire has been to be able to walk alongside women that have had an abortion to help them find the forgiveness and healing the Lord has for them...

In the last few years I have attempted a few times to offer this kind of healing in my church, every time encountering that the stigma that surrounds this sin is still huge and women are too scared to come out...
Statistics show that the abortion rate of women in the church hardly differs from those outside the church..there are so many women feeling they cannot be forgiven and  hiding away with the guilt and devastation.

For many years my prayer has been that God would use me to lead women along the path that He has lead me.
In the months following the break up of my family the Lord opened the doors and made the connections for me to be able to attend this seminar and to work in a place where women can find help and direction when finding themselves pregnant and scared..I am so blessed...

I thank the Lord for each woman that will not feel that abortion is the only way to deal with this crisis and for each one that will be able to lay down the heavy burden she is carrying.

We serve an amazing God.... He continues to amaze me... He always will, of that I am sure.

.... to follow Him....

Picking up my cross daily...

...to follow Him... 

...dying to self... 

...to follow Him.... 

...putting others first... 

...to follow Him...

Surrendering my hopes...

... to follow Him...

...laying down my dreams...

... to follow Him...

...suffering willingly...

... to follow Him...

...quietly enduring...

... to follow Him...

... no wonder to the world all of this is foolishness....

To us though.. all of this flows

 from a deep abiding love for Him...

... a gratitude that cannot be put into words...

... a joy that is never ending...

To know Him more each day...

... to join Him in His sufferings..

... to find rest in Him alone...

... to draw close and gaze into His tender loving eyes...

A miracle too wonderful for words...

... communion of the hearts...

... a love story with no end...

... eternally connected...

... beyond anything ever imagined...

Thank You, Lord...who am I, that you are mindful of me...

I will always serve you with all my heart, soul and mind..

... with all that I am and all that I have...

...no greater joy.... I love You, Jesus...

... Amazing Grace.....

.... when we get saved and we finally arrive where we were meant to be all along, when for the first time we have the eyes to see and the faith to understand what the Word is telling us...that God loves us and he is the One who will walk with us through life's ups and downs, we experience His peace for the first time and it is an amazing experience.

as we are growing up in Him, as he entrusts us with more and more of the mystery of the life with Him, as He allows trials in our lives, as He disciplines as only a loving, perfect Father can, it sometimes is hard not to question were that first peace went and weren't we not promised something else...

sometimes we are blinded by the fog of taking things / blessings for granted...focusing on the hardship and not on the loving care of the Father.

Every morning when we wake up and there is light, the Lord has blessed us, every morning when everyone we love and care for is still breathing, ourselves included, we are blessed.

Every opportunity to smile at someone, every smile or friendly word we receive is a blessing from Him.
Every moment of hope, every thought of something that warms our hearts is an undeserved gift from the Maker of heaven and earth..

As I am walking through this unchartered territory, I am learning that every moment I can choose to be thankful rather than give in to despair, hopelessness or self-pity...
 Taking each moment and giving it to God, to surrender it to Him, leaving it at His throne... choosing to walk in His presence and lean on Him for every step if that's what it takes is what our walk is all about.

If ever we have observed another Christian going through a hard time we only have seen them being able to stand up tall and keep on going... anyone who is by God's strength and grace able to do this has practised just that, taking a new breath in the strength of the Lord every time, choosing to trust Him, not as a abstract concept but as a way of life... lived out every second of every day.

I am not taking for granted the fact that He is there for me for that, walking with me or carrying me through the rough spots, rather it proves to me that He indeed loves me...the misconception that this would mean there was no hurt and pain leads to disillusionment and frustration... it is in the pain of the moment that we need to decide to trust Him, again and again..

Lately I am waking up with this prayer in my heart, crying out to Him ... fill my heart with your spirit because you love me, fill me to overflowing with the understanding that I need to hold on tight to you every moment of every day..... to know you is to want to know you more... Thank you Lord for taking so much of my earthly security away...to make me realize how much I need you, every moment of every day and to be in awe about the fact, that you are really there...
Amazing Grace...  you are forever mine...

.... watching in awe....

... my daughter is making new friends....   figuring out High School life,  the location of her classrooms and her locker .... the anxiety about the unknown is evaporating and she very soon will feel very comfortable in her new surroundings and who she is growing into.... a young girl on the way to adulthood.., becoming stronger and more independent every day...
I am blessed to be walking alongside her for a few more years...the last 22 years of being a mother this is what I have enjoyed the most.. watching in awe how these little munchkins were growing and changing, the things they would say, the insight they would share, the joy they would have... what a privilege, what pleasure...
The miracle of life...
.. I am making new friends, I am figuring out my life as a single mother, a woman on her own, what it means, how it feels... the good things about it, and the stuff I do not like... as I am I am becoming stronger and wiser... I am growing up more in my faith and my understanding what life really is meant to be...
my heart feels nice and warm knowing that my Daddy in heaven is watching me with the same pleasure ... excited about every new insight I gain, proud of me for being able to keep on keeping on, loving me for who I am...cheering me on when I don't want to face the trials...faithfully walking alongside me.

Blessings everywhere,  new friends enriching my life, the joy of serving Him in new ways, stronger and deeper bonds with my faithful companions, the friends that are Christ to me every day, my children's love.....walking with the lover of my soul, my best friend and counselor... our relationship closer than  ever before... how sweet the fellowship with Him...

...living He loved me... dying He saved me, buried He carried my sins far away, rising He justified freely forever... one day He's coming.. oh glorious day....

... humble yourself...

remember Job?
he lost everything... he did not only loose everything but he also got soooo sick, we can't even imagine how he must have felt..
on top of it all his wife and his so called friends were giving him a hard time... talk about NO HOPE, NO FUN... total misery... and yet, he wouldn't curse God...eventually though he crumbles under the pressure and complains...
then at the end, when God shows up, God, the One who had allowed Satan to have his way with him,.. when God showed up, Job is humbled beyond compare....
listen to this...

Then Job replied to the LORD :
 "I know that you can do all things;
       no plan of yours can be thwarted.

 You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'
       Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
       things too wonderful for me to know.

 "You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak;
       I will question you,
       and you shall answer me.'

 My ears had heard of you
       but now my eyes have seen you.

 Therefore I despise myself
       and repent in dust and ashes."

Wow... talk about being put in your place.. Job, the most righteous man on the earth at that time...
But then, see what God did then... first of all He takes care of the "friends"... and then, this is what He did:


The LORD blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys.  And he also had seven sons and three daughters.  The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch.  Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job's daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.

 After this, Job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. And so he died, old and full of years.

WOW.... now there is a lesson for me...
Lord, give me the patience of Job, but most of all let me see you for who you are so that I may be humbled, falling to the ground before you...

so this is what I ask:
let me live my life following you  as good as I can by your grace, not worrying if what you have for me will satisfy me...because I know this for a fact:
You will satisfy me in the morning with your unfailing love, so that I may sing for joy and be glad all my days.....

... fill the void.....

.... wouldn't  it  be so great if we just could hibernate.... crawl into bed and hide and stay there until all wounds have healed and a nice new layer of healthy skin has grown over  the holes... no longer any evidence left of what has been ripped apart...
... if you think about it, had I been in a car wreck... and really for sure you can compare wrecking a family to a car accident... I would be in the hospital and then in rehab until all healed and ready to enter the real world again..
so, if I could just stay in the presence of the healing power of Jesus and not have to go on living my daily life, maybe I would be healing better, more consistently.
I feel pathetic and self absorbed to talk about the ongoing struggles, but then there are some that say it helps them, knowing that they are not alone in their troubles..
... just now, when driving to the church to pick up my little one from Youth group I had tears streaming down my face again and just pleaded with my Lord to please meet me in a different way... it's just not working, the up and downs,  so tiring and frustrating...

I need Him to permanently fix my lonely, rejected heart... my heart that is too vulnerable and so tossed  about like a little boat in a storm... I am pleading for His Spirit to wash over me and fill me in a way He never has... to transform my foolish, foolish heart that still falls for human attention instead of only relying on His love... so foolish, it sickens me...
So now, I am going to go to my bedroom and in the loneliness of it I am going to cry out until He meets me... I know that He will.... .......maybe I just need to stay there for a time....
...... maybe even  for a season...

... A Prayer for All the Children....

...You thought of them before the creation of the world...Thank you Lord
...You gave your life for them.... We can never thank You enough.
... fixing Your eyes on the joy laid out before You, You sacrificed yourself
... You formed them in our wombs...Oh Lord Thank You for the privilege of being a mother
...You put them together and made them into the unique and wonderful children they are, we shall forever praise You
...You have plans for them , Lord
Plans to prosper them and not to harm them
Plans to give them a hope and a future...
.... so Lord, as we let them go one step further away from us,
may You be their shelter and refuge..
may You lead them and keep them safe...
... We praise You because You promised you would never leave them or forsake them,
... we praise You because You love them more than we do...
We praise You because You are their Daddy and You will keep them close in Your embrace
when we have to let them go...
We bless Your Holy Name Lord as You bless our sons and daughters today and forever more.
May they draw closer to You each day of their lives and surrender themselves to You.
We praise You  forever and ever...
Love you Lord

.......One instead of Four.. August 3, 2010

..and here I am again... up in the middle of the night... not alone though, everyone is home..in my bed today 1 child, 2 dogs..... not lonely, rather crowded...she hasn't done that in while, wanting to sleep in my bed...not since we moved here anyways...but today

my little Bekkie needed her mommy... it is all just too much for her..the freaking out and crying for an hour this afternoon... a wise friend suggested maybe this was more than just a hormonal teenager not wanting to help... but rather a little girl finding an outlet to let all the emotional stress flow out of her.... it is good to hug her and just hold her hours later, when she has calmed down and I can just love her.

As I was lying in bed and communicating with my Father, I placed her once again in His arms, relieved to know that He cares for her more than even I do.... she gets me going, when this kind of stuff is going on and I am at my wit's end... I shouldn't be surprised that this is where He, the Lover of my soul, the Refuge, my husband,the Rock, my Eternal Daddy is right there for me... I need to take a step away when this happens, intentionally sink into Him and let His wisdom guide me.... I need His guidance in all areas of my life but find myself especially needy right now when it comes to my abandoned teenager... 

I found out today, that He really is not only wise and loving but also immensely strong...yes, He can carry me and my kids, all at the same time...My God is so good, so strong and so mighty , there is nothing my God cannot do....where there were 4 sets of footprints before, this evening, there was only one...

How marvelous, how beautiful YOU are!!!!!

.... Reality..... August 2, 2010

Today, as I was packing all kinds of stuff that is still at the old house, in the heat, as my youngest was hysterically screaming, lying on the floor... ( for a very long time) as I was looking through pictures and albums ..... it hit me again how this really is so wrong. 

The kids came back from the cottage last night.... they brought our sheets back.. and for a moment I thought am I now washing the sheets of my husband and his girlfriend when it dawned on me that thankfully they were still there and so their bed had not been stripped.... they are my sheets...I hope they will have the courtesy of not giving them back to me dirty...
As I was sorting the laundry the kids brought back there was a woman's PJ pants ( her's)....and a T-shirt of their Dad's... turns out Bekkie was wearing both... that's what she does... she always wears my stuff and her Dad's... or at least she did when he was still at home...
It breaks my heart, and I am realizing again that this is such a twisted, screwed up situation... there are so many reasons why God does not want us to have a divorce... the girlfriend is nice, they all had a great time... I am happy about that... it is what it is... and considering the circumstances God is blessing us... and let me tell you I prayed a lot about this all during this week...but it is all so complicated and everyone on our side is paying the price... big time..
Thankfully God is bigger than that and He loves my kids, He is able to heal all that is done to them by the brokeness and selfishness that surrounds them...
It seems unfair that I would be the one who has to deal with all the emotions of all of them, with most of the work of moving,the one that is left alone, with all the baloney.... makes me think of my favorite song again... by Natalie Grant... "Held"...... "it is unfair, but the promise was that "when" everything fell we would be held"... not "if", not, "oh, you are a Christian, this won't happen to you".... no : WHEN it happens, I am HELD... in the comforting, soft and strong at the same time embrace...in the arms of my Daddy... oh how I love Him..... Bekkie relaxed, we packed some more stuff... the laundry will be done tomorrow...
We had a great dinner and card game, just us girls... God is good, He is holding all of us......

........Lonely.....July 30, 2010

I never signed up for any of this... and as much as I am so much more aware that God in His love for me has allowed me to be basically alone and sad for the majority of my life ( loneliness in a marriage is no picnic either) and I am thankful for the closeness I have been allowed to find with Him... there are times, like right now, ( it is 2:17 am ) where all of this is just so very very sad...

2 of my daughters are up at the cottage with my soon to be Ex husband and his new girlfriend, one is staying over at a friends house... it's me and my fluffy little puppies and thank God for them... at least I have them snuggle up to me..

I have cried, and I just need to be open about this too... I am excited, and I am so blessed to know my Daddy in Heaven, but there is quite the price to be paid to get there ( and I know that the price I am paying is nothing compared to the price that He paid for me to have this relationship)... but really,  life "sucks" when this is going on..( I never used this word before all the garbage happened... sorry) 

I am longing for what I have been longing for all my life... and I am not giving up hope that there will be a real man in my life again, someone to care for and someone who will care for me..

I am no saint and I am not perfect yet...I have feelings and needs...

I am learning to be content in who I am, Miriam, the single woman... I am excited about what is going to happen in my life through the new opportunities.... but sometimes, at night, I am just alone. 

And I don't like it.....

That's when I am telling my Daddy that I really really wish for a man in my life when the time is right and I am asking Him to make it so that this will be soon...

I used to be afraid of the possibility that God, who is all about refining us, would not give me the desire of my heart... in the meantime I have learned that I am indeed God's favorite... that He wants to bestow His favor upon me and I am claiming this favor.

During my marriage there have been times when I resented my husband  that I needed so much of the energy I had to make sure my home was relatively peaceful that I didn't have enough left over to be at work for God... I love serving Him and I am so blessed to know that He has a specific purpose for me..

My longing now is to be allowed to experience the joy to serve Him together with a godly man, on fire for Jesus.....together!!!

I am sad and alone... I am feeling a bit sorry for myself.. I admit that... I know that I am not alone and that tomorrow is a new day with His mercies that are new every morning...

But right now... right now I am not enjoying where I am...

Thank the Lord for little Minnie snoring right next to me... :)

... Patience....in the excitement...July 29, 2010

If you know me, you know that I am a passionate, ( some negative and very mean :( people call me fanatic.. the nerve) enthusiastic person.... most of the time this kind of character trait comes with another , that is not quite that positive ( if you think it is positive to  begin with).... the not so good thing that comes with passion is often times IMPATIENCE...

So, God, my beloved Daddy, has had his hands full with me in that way... many times in my life I have just jumped right into situations that seemed so right at the moment but then turned out disastrous......

After 16 years of having the Holy Spirit living in me I am happy to say that the patience that is part of His fruit has also grown "a little bit" in me......

 As I am so very excited now.... you got it, I am also really struggling with impatience...

So I thought, why not try and get some wisdom from "THE" source of wisdom... so I did a little word study of the word patience in the bible.

As all good scholars ;) do, I first looked patience up in the dictionary and the thesaurus..here it goes:

Meaning: the capacity to endure what is difficult or disagreeable without complaining

Synonyms: forbearance, long-suffering, sufferance, tolerance

Related Words: acquiescence, resignation; passiveness, passivity; amenability, compliance, conformism, docility, obedience, subordination, tractability, willingness; discipline, self-control; submission, submissiveness

WOW....I knew it was a high calling...

Now, what does the bible have to say... interestingly enough patience, the noun is only found in the  bible 17 times, to be patient 27 times.... hmmmmm

 Does that maybe mean this is an action... something we need to choose to do, rather than wait for it to happen by itself... ( as an aside... to bad this site has no emoticons... I so would like to use some here and there)

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry. (Psalm 40:1)

But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. ( Romans 8:25)

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ( Romans 12:12)

And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised. (Hebrews 6:15)

These are only four of the verses that contain the word patient... there is quite a bit though that speaks to me and let's me know what the Lord has for me, if I wait patiently....

He will hear my cry, we will receive what is promised... it tells me too when to be patient... in affliction, and when I am hoping for something I do not have....this verse in Romans 8 reminds me of another one that sounds almost the same: Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. ( Hebrews 11:1) Now isn't it interesting the connection that can be made here..

If we hope patiently for what we do not have, and we are being sure of what we are hoping for, that's faith... after waiting patiently, we will receive the promises...so even though we cannot see them now, through faith, which is a gift from God, we do not loose hope, actually, like Romans 12:12 says, we are joyful in this hope...it is amazing.

I love the Word...it has answers for all our questions.... that's another proof that our Father in Heaven loves us so much...He has given us His word, so that we can find all we need, wisdom, hope, joy and faith..

So, once again,   I have the capacity to endure what is difficult or disagreeable without complaining, I have the willingness to be obedient...because, as I wait patiently, my God gives me joy as I hope in what I do not have, knowing that He hears me and will give me what He has promised  and He even provides and grows the faith that I need to be able to hold on to this hope.... AMAZING!!!!!!!!!

As the Spirit testifies to my spirit I can joyfully and patiently serve Him while I am waiting.....

So I am, today... and for however long I need to..because I am sure of one thing most of all, my Father in Heaven is GOOD ALL THE TIME... I know it because I know Him...after all, He is right here holding me... Hallelujah!

... My love letter to the man God has for me...July 26, 2010

I am so full of Joy and Love, I am ready... 

When God had His way with me last July, when He opened my eyes to how my pride and fear and selfishness had contributed to the horrible marriage I was in, when He spoke to me through the words in 1 Corinthians 13.... love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy it does not boast, it is not rude it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrong, love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth... It always hopes always trusts,always protects, always perseveres..... when in the gentle way of the Father He convicted me of how I had fallen short of loving my husband that way, as I repented, He changed my heart completely...

Even through the following 4 months, when I found out about the affair, when I trusted and forgave, when I gave it my all and needed to depend on Jesus for every moment I loved my husband like that... funny that even to this day, loving like this allows me to deal with all the garbage of breaking apart a family... forgiveness is easy, seeing the good in the husband that has betrayed and rejected me and my children... thank the Lord for that...without this change of heart I would have had a much harder time to live through this the way it brings glory to my Father in heaven... it is by His grace alone...

Why am I talking about this... well, I guess it explains that I am in a place where I am bursting with so much love and excitement...ready to love...whoever the Lord will put in my way...

I love all the women that I will meet as my calling ( the Pregnancy Center!!!!!) will manifest itself, everyone who God will put in my way... all the cracks and holes in this vessel that I am have the love of Christ pouring out of them... Praise God for allowing the hard times....no hard times, no cracks.. no love pouring out...it's a no brainer ;)

I am excited for the man I will get to share my passion for ministry with... I am excited for where He, the Lover of my Soul and Daddy in Heaven will lead me and take me.... I am held... I am where I need to be.....I am weak and vulnerable, but that's when He is strong... His grace is sufficient for me and I am  so thankful... eternally thankful....

Oh what a blessing to be used by God... what a tremendous privilege, to be part of what He is doing......... I love Him with all my soul, heart and mind....

so... whoever this letter is to... my prayer is that you would be on fire for Him, and that together we will be skipping along the path that He has for us....

I can't wait ;)

...Hindsight...Take Four........

...these 3 weeks with "her" here must have been the most trying and hurtful and scary weeks in my life.. you know the physical feeling when your stomach is in a knot and you are shaking inside..when I am scared I always feel the fear in my stomach.... it is not a nice feeling..

during these 3 weeks, (remember he had already told me he didn't love me anymore, just after the Lord had filled my heart with that totally unselfish  love for him..she, invited by me, her always supportive and compassionate cousin, was here because I wanted to provide refuge to her while her husband was cheating on her.. get that.... Satan definitely had his hands in this....oh... and she was my Maid of Honor)

okay so during these 3 weeks I fervently prayed every minute of every day.... he denied there was anyone else, but then I would find the two of them alone, him arranging for them to spend time together alone doing stuf, I wanted to trust him but also felt weird about all this, asked him not to do that. One day she sent pictures that I had taken of her to him, while sitting across from me, sitting on my couch, using my old laptop, to my husband... I didn't know.... it was a nightmare..

a week before she left I had some inkling and checked his laptop- I guess I should mention that throughout all this time I was trying really hard to show my love to him, no matter what, I also prayed that God would allow me to trust him but if there was something going on to show me, to bring to light what was hiding in the darkness-... so checking his laptop I found the e-mails with the pictures of her that I had taken ...

confronted him... he denied it meant anything... talked to her, she denied it meant anything.... so there I was...kind of wanting to deny it too... but at the same time my stomach was tightening up even more... the only release I found was when alone, praying and listening once again to my Michael W Smith CD... this time Healing Rain was the song for me....Healing rain is falling down, Healing rain is falling down, I am not afraid, I am not afraid...

oh how mysterious are the ways the Lord ministers to our hearts... He gave us music to touch our souls in the moments of greatest needs.. I was drowning in my circumstances, praying constantly, too frantic and frazzled to be able to do it on my own.. one of those times when we cannot even find the words but only utter "Help me Jesus".... this song gave me hope... and gave me the courage to live, minute by minute holding on to Him.... Oh Lord you are my only Hope...

going to New York like planned a while before with my girls for the last weekend she was here in Canada.... crazy, leaving them here, alone, going to New York where I had been many times with him, only ever with him, only by God's grace and His loving care for me was I able to not ruin this for my girls... my heart knew...my mind didn't want to know... my soul was grieving....God sustained me...His healing rain falling down on me, giving me what I needed not to lose it and to be able to hold on...to the hope that only He can give..

looking back, a year later, this doesn't send me in a panic anymore. I know that the Lord was in control even over the things that 2 people that were not only totally ignoring Him and His commands but also the pain they were inflicting on 4 people they supposedly loved and cared about were doing... He allowed them to take us all to a higher level of trust in Him.. because even then, we were Held by the God of the Universe, Almighty God, Our Redeemer and King... the Lover of our souls who will never let us down... Praise be to Him both now and forever more....... to be continued.....