Beauty from Ashes continued
... Making it through the days was hard, never has anything been harder before, but I was being showered in scriptures that spoke about the unfailing love that God has for us : Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Psalm 90:14, May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:22, Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love. Psalm 31:16... . there are many more and I clung to them and read them to my girls... then, I knew my husband was traveling to Germany to be with my cousin, and the thought of the betrayal was killing me...I took my eyes of Jesus and joined a Christian Dating site, not even 2 weeks after my husband left.. I felt I needed to see if there was ever in the future a man out there for me, just wanted to look... it seemed encouraging to see that there indeed were Christian men out there looking for a godly woman...I decided to get off the site, because that was all I wanted.. right????? I did, but only archived it, so I was able to go back on any day.. this was not a good thing. I know was periodically logging on to see if there was anyone interesting, so far I had ignored all attempts from men to talk to me.. I knew this was far too early. My birthday came , a little over a months after my husband left and this was going to be a very hard day.My girls did a wonderful job of making me fell very loved throughout the day. My oldest daughter and my wonderful friend planned a birthday party for me and 35 women from my church, that all loved me and who I loved came out that night and made the day the most special day I ever had... they all gave me a rose with some scripture or encouragement attached, all the roses together made a "bouquet of encouragement"... and each one of them gave me a coupon for some time spend with me doing something special... I felt surrounded by Christ's unfailing love that night when my girls and my closest friends read scripture to me and they all prayed over me...what a wonderful way to communicate love... I was blessed...A day later.. alone again and confronted with my "New Reality" I found myself online again... and there it was, someone IM me... for some reason I responded this time and met a man, who lived about 20 min away and had some friends I knew, many different connections that made this all of a sudden feel right...maybe even from God??? I was not really asking Him though, because deep inside, as I know now, I had stopped trusting Him and had started to take matters in my own hands.. ( we all know what kind of disaster usually follows when we think we can just lean on our own understanding...only fools do that... or people whose trust in God had been shaken to the core without her even realizing it).
I am sparing you the details of me getting romantically involved.. let me just tell you, the "taking the eyes of Jesus" thing is was happening and it was not a good thing. It was exciting, very exciting at first and it seemed to be what I really needed, a man showing his interest, expressing appreciation and affection... wow, I was sooooo starved for that because this had not been part of my life for so many many years. As it could have been expected, this relationship didn't last much longer than 2 1/2
months and left me once again sad... but now I didn't even feel I could run to God, because, hadn't I ignored Him and taken my eyes of Him? I had been disobedient and now the guilt of this was keeping me isolated. Not many of my friends knew about my involvement either.. I had even kept it from my mentor and counselor, because I knew she would have not approved..
Good Friday came and I broke down, I needed to confess and be forgiven.. at the same time my cousin came into town and was visiting with my husband, who was then living with his parents...everything was so broken and so complicated..the kids were having a horrible time, their father ditching them twice on the weekend for the new woman and little child in his life...lot's of tears that weekend..On the Tuesday I finally told my mentor about my relationship and finally was able to receive God's forgiveness... I went home that day and spent many hours in the scriptures and in prayer and felt an urge so strong, I couldn't hold back. I went before the Lord and forgave both my husband and my cousin for all the things their betrayal meant for us, letting them off the hook and accepting the consequences of their sin... no longer holding it against them.. I had done this for my husband throughout, but never to that degree and also never for my cousin... ...to be continued... .
I am sparing you the details of me getting romantically involved.. let me just tell you, the "taking the eyes of Jesus" thing is was happening and it was not a good thing. It was exciting, very exciting at first and it seemed to be what I really needed, a man showing his interest, expressing appreciation and affection... wow, I was sooooo starved for that because this had not been part of my life for so many many years. As it could have been expected, this relationship didn't last much longer than 2 1/2
months and left me once again sad... but now I didn't even feel I could run to God, because, hadn't I ignored Him and taken my eyes of Him? I had been disobedient and now the guilt of this was keeping me isolated. Not many of my friends knew about my involvement either.. I had even kept it from my mentor and counselor, because I knew she would have not approved..
Good Friday came and I broke down, I needed to confess and be forgiven.. at the same time my cousin came into town and was visiting with my husband, who was then living with his parents...everything was so broken and so complicated..the kids were having a horrible time, their father ditching them twice on the weekend for the new woman and little child in his life...lot's of tears that weekend..On the Tuesday I finally told my mentor about my relationship and finally was able to receive God's forgiveness... I went home that day and spent many hours in the scriptures and in prayer and felt an urge so strong, I couldn't hold back. I went before the Lord and forgave both my husband and my cousin for all the things their betrayal meant for us, letting them off the hook and accepting the consequences of their sin... no longer holding it against them.. I had done this for my husband throughout, but never to that degree and also never for my cousin... ...to be continued... .
No comments:
Post a Comment